Nicole X

For a star to be born, there is one thing that must happen: a gaseous nebula must collapse. So collapse. Crumble.This is not your destruction. This is your birth.

Surround yourself with people who help you look at the world differently.

And kid, you’ve got to love yourself. You’ve got wake up at four in the morning, brew black coffee, and stare at the birds drowning in the darkness of the dawn. You’ve got to sit next to the man at the train station who’s reading your favorite book and start a conversation. You’ve got to come home after a bad day and burn your skin from a shower. Then you’ve got to wash all your sheets until they smell of lemon detergent you bought for four dollars at the local grocery store. You’ve got to stop taking everything so goddam personally. You are not the moon kissing the black sky. You’ve got to compliment someones crooked brows at an art fair and tell them that their eyes remind you of green swimming pools in mid July. You’ve got to stop letting yourself get upset about things that won’t matter in two years. Sleep in on Saturday mornings and wake yourself up early on Sunday. You’ve got to stop worrying about what you’re going to tell her when she finds out. You’ve got to stop over thinking why he stopped caring about you over six months ago. You’ve got to stop asking everyone for their opinions. Fuck it. Love yourself, kiddo. You’ve got to love yourself.

at 17 or even 32, nobody is worth stressing over, like move on, leave people behind, go find yourself, the world is yours, life goes on.

I love like it’s the only thing I know. My lips swear up and down that I am ready, but my body rejects trust; it is a parasite, crawling up the spine and looking for a place to fester. It has been in my system before and it nearly killed me. My body says No you can’t No you can’t No you can’t. I say, okay, okay, but maybe this time is different. There has to be a time that’s different. Trust is a virus and like any virus, it never truly leaves the system. I tell my body that perhaps I can learn to live with the sickness the next time it manifests and maybe the next time it manifests we won’t have to fight it, we can keep it. My body says No you can’t. My heart says I can hold the trust and make it pure. My soul says we can let the infection consume us. My spirit says we can smoke the trust to cloud our aura and exhale it. He says he can show me the love I deserve, he says he can be everything I need. My body says No, by God, You Can’t.