Nicole Lee

I love you. With all of my heart. It doesn’t always seem like it, but I do. The depths of my soul cry out for You, like in a dry and weary land, like a deer thirsting for water. You are the living water. You never run dry. All others are broken cisterns. You are the living water that flows forever, and quenches my thirst, my ever lasting thirst.

God I pray that I stop neglecting You, that every day I wake up knowing full well how needy, desperate, and dependent I am. I pray I’d wake up every day depending on You like a child. Because You are the good father and I know that depending on You will not fail me.

Faith does not put us to shame.

You do not disappoint, and You do not fall short. You are more than enough. You satisfy. You are the only one who satisfies my soul.

“You go before I know that You've even gone to win my war Your love becomes my greatest defense it leads me from the dry wilderness and all I did was praise and all I did was worship and all I did was bow down and all I did was stay still”

- Defender, Rita Springer

This captures so well how truly truly nothing that I have or feel or know is from my own strength. Any striving of my own is in vain without God’s will. I know I won’t always feel it this strongly, and there are upcoming seasons where I will feel like God has taken things from me, but note to future self, remember that the things I do have and have had in the past and will have in the future are all because He gives, and because He is on my side. He gives faith to believe, willingness to pray, desire to read the Word, a passion for His people. He gives jobs, health, family, friends, relationships, a home. He gives understanding, wisdom, love, hope, peace, rest, sleep, food, literally... everything.

It’s a weird feeling sometimes – I feel bad when I feel like I didn’t do much but God gave me something. Like I should have worked for it harder, or I should have contributed more. What did I do to deserve this job? What did I do to deserve this life? What did I do to deserve bliss when I’m happy and the ability to recover when I’m in despair? Seriously God what have I done to deserve the outpouring of Your love and kindness to me?! But over and over again, God reminds me that it is He who gives and me who receives. He is God and I am not. Sometimes I feel bad when I whine and complain, ask for things, and blab to him about my feelings. Sometimes I feel bad that I feel like I’m just closing my eyes, opening my hands out to Him, and being like, “okay God, whatcha got?” But what have I got to offer anyways? I have nothing close to Jesus’s righteousness, His graciousness, His kindness, His perfection. I have nothing to offer but worship. My worship, my heart, my love, my life.