This is me.. now.

My mom and i arrived to the funeral home about half an hour early. I was extremely nervous sitting in the car till the point that my stomach was upset. We went in about 10 minutes early and waited in the hallway for his family to arrive. They arrived and I saw his mom. I’m assuming it was very surreal to her that she was going to her sweet, handsome son’s funeral.. She got closer to the chapel and she started crying. Then I started to cry... everyone began to cry. I can’t tell you the most agonizing, hurtful cry is a mother’s cry after losing her baby. I think it will be a sound, especially of someone I know so personally, I will carry that with me for a very long time, if not, for the rest of my life.

I couldn’t bring myself to walk up to his casket because I did not know whether I could stand it literally. I did look at him from my seat and he didn’t look like himself. I began to wonder if it was a mistake, if it really was him? Does he have the star tattoo on his hand? I couldn’t see. I didn’t want to..

I did feel a breeze on my right side that I would like to believe was him saying he was here, as the heat in the entire facility was blasting and no doors were open on that specific side.

My mom and I followed them to the cementary and it was extremely hard to see something so final occur. I got to hug his siblings and his mom. It broke my heart even more that she was hugging me and she didn’t want to let go. 💔

It still feels very unreal and I will probably read our conversations and stare at his social media accounts like “no way” this isn’t real.. it can’t be.

Ronnie,