Suddenly I was crying. It was already love.

I’ve cried so much this past year, I just can’t cry anymore.

My grandparents divorced 22 years ago. My grandma has remarried three different times and my grandfather hasn’t even looked at another woman. When I asked him what went wrong, he said, “You can love someone with everything inside of you, but you can never make them love you forever. I was a fool to think she wouldn’t leave me.”

I often see how you sob over what you destroy, how you want to stop and just worship; and you do stop, and then a moment later you are at it again with a knife, like a surgeon.

Today I have died. It is not the first time I have died, but this time I died more profoundly, and the agony was the bitterest I have ever known. I cannot bear life. Up to this point I could bear it. Tonight I cannot. I think of death, of my death. Death would be sweet. Especially because my mind is no longer lucid. I cannot bear the pain.

Her beauty drowned me. As I sat in front of her I felt that I would do anything mad for her, anything she asked of me. She was color, brilliance, strangeness.

Life is such chaos, And I am so tired –

Sometimes, when I sit like this, quiet, all the dreams of my blood and all outrageous divisions of time seem ready to leave, to slide out of me.

Every morning I walk like this around / the pond, thinking: if the doors of my heart / ever close, I am as good as dead.

Today I am gone and for good. It is done now. I can never retrogress. The basis of reality has been blown away by the very pressure of my imagination–other regions, other air to breathe, no boundaries. I tried for many years to fit into the actual world; I starved. I am ready to give myself to the other.