Nicki Reads 'The Foxhole Court'

We made it, folks. We survived three books and one epic showdown finale with only minor damage to heart, brain, and supporting cast (sorry, Seth).

There is only one tiny epilogue tacked onto the end of this book, and as I glanced through it I noticed it’s only five pages long – what bad things could possibly happen in that?

Oh man.

Apparently this series was determined to show me how much of a sweet summer child I still was one last time.

             The Ravens’ outer ring looked much the same as the Foxes’ did except for the dated championship banners that hung from the rafters. Once a source of pride, they would now serve as a visible reminder of tonight’s failure.

That’s exactly the level of shade I like in my interior design.

After the game, Neil is led into one of the Ravens’ towers – by a guard that feels like he’s guarding the Queen of Fucking England, literally what level of extra – which unfortunately turns out to be a familiar sight.

             A short hall opened into a spacious room Neil recognized. Nine years ago he’d been here with Riko and Kevin while his father carved a man into a hundred pieces.

Ahh, shit.

This is bad, y’all.

And it gets worse – turns out Neil isn’t just here for a nice lil trip down traumatic memory lane, he’s here to meet some friends.

Or, well.

In the words of Glinda the Good, it depends on what you mean by “friend”.

             Ichirou was standing by the windows overlooking the court and Neil knew better than to ignore him.

Ichiboy! Long time no see!

How’s the fam? Did you just drop by to congratulate Neil on his win? Maybe pop a few bottles? Are we gonna be chill?

             At last Ichirou drew a gloved hand from his pocket and gestured. The stranger brought him a handgun.

Apparently not.

Well, Neil, my boy, it was nice knowing you!

             Ichirou started forward but he didn’t go to Neil.

Oh thank fuck.

Not that I would have really expected Nora to kill off her main character on the last three pages, but my heart did jump a little there.

             The brothers faced each other for the first time. Ichirou crouched in front of him, wordless and slow.

“Ichirou,” Riko said, so choked with emotion Neil almost couldn’t understand him.

Oh shit? Am I really developing feelings for Riko now, in the very last stretches of the book?

This can’t be good.

             Ichirou cradled Riko’s cheek in his free hand.

Yup, I really do have a very bad feeling about this.

             It wasn’t comfort, but Neil didn’t figure that out until it was too late.

Very, very bad feeling indeed.

             Ichirou put the gun to Riko’s temple and pulled the trigger without hesitation.

BAD FEELING CONFIRMED.

WHAT THE FUCK.

No, but seriously what the fuck.

This felt like one of the weirdest deaths I’ve ever read in fiction, and I still don’t quite know how to feel about it.

I don’t feel bad for Riko, he kinda deserved it for everything he did to our beloved Foxes, and they’ll definitely be safer off without him. The fact that he dies at all is not a bad thing, but the way it (or rather, he) is executed is what irks me. Just from a reading experience point of view, it feels very weird, and that’s because it’s so damn anticlimactic.

It feels weirdly tacked on at the end, like an afterthought – so very much not the usual epic slaying-the-dragon finale. It feels like we defeated the dragon in epic battle, and then a few days later some other random knight swoops in and calmly offs the dragon. It doesn’t feel bad, but it doesn’t feel good either – it just happens. It’s an extra info. It’s anticlimactic.

(A few linguistic notes on my choice of words here – I understand “anticlimactic” means “anti-climax; not building tension; not building suspense”. However, my dictionary tells me it can also mean “disappointing”, and because English is still not my first language I don’t know if this is also a usual meaning of that word. So just to be clear – I don’t find the execution of Riko’s death disappointing, I just find it lacking suspense.)

What interests me now, though, is why Nora chose to kill Riko this way. In the story, it makes more sense this way – killing Riko at the height of suspense would have meant killing him at the game, and that would have attracted way too much attention; and also the Foxes killing Riko themselves would have been too dark, even for them. But narratively? From a writer’s point of view? Why tack it on at the end?

It could be in order to show the extra cruelty of the Moriyamas (although we’ve had quite enough of that already, in m opinion). It could be a matter of realism – people don’t die when it’s narratively convenient in real life as well (although this is fiction, after all, and we’ve had plenty of stuff happen because it’s narratively convenient already). I’m kind of at a loss here – I would love to hear what you guys have to say about this, come hit me up in my inbox.

             Ichirou stopped in front of Neil. “You have cost the Ravens their coach and their captain. Are you satisfied?” (…)

             Neil was suddenly wide awake. “Your people are safe, as are mine. Yes, I’m satisfied.”

I’m not.

Don’t get me wrong – it’s not that I’m unsatisfied, either. I just didn’t need Riko to die, and especially not to die in this backhand, anticlimactic way.

I was perfectly satisfied with the awesome victory in game last chapter, but then again I guess I’m not Neil, nor am I Riko or Kevin or Andrew.

I don’t need murder to feel safe at night, and I don’t think I’m in a place to judge here ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

             “What’s so funny?” Nicky asked when he spotted Neil in the doorway.

             Neil hadn’t realized he was smiling. “Life?”

Possibly the lamest response anyone has ever given to that question, but given recent circumstances the absence of Sassmaster McSavage shall be excused.

             His good mood seemed to inject a little life back into the room. Dan sat up a bit straighter, and Matt managed a grin. Kevin pressed his fingers hard against his new tattoo.

Yeah, should probably not be doing that. Has no one taught this boy proper tattoo aftercare?

             Aaron and Nicky exchanged triumphant looks, and Allison reached out to squeeze Renee’s hand.

GAY.

             Wymack’s nod was approving; Abby’s smile was proud.

My supportive Fox parents being supportive!

This entire description feels like the end-of-the-game camera pan around the room to emotionally highlight each of the team’s faces at the end of every sports drama, and I’m so damn here for it.

             “Your close calls are getting old,” Andrew said. “I thought you knew how to run.”

             Neil affected confusion. “I thought you told me to stop running.”

Nevermind you guys, Sassmaster McSavage is back!

             “Survival tip: No one likes a smart mouth.”

             “Except you,” Neil reminded him.

DAMN FUCKING RIGHT.

RMS ANDREIL REPORTED TO BE SAILING SMOOTHLY, MORE NEWS AT TEN.

             A year ago Neil had been a scared nobody, hating himself for signing the Foxes’ contract. (…) Tonight he was the starting striker for the first-ranked team in the NCAA. (…)

             Better than that bright future was what he already had: a court that would always be home, a family who’d never give up on him, and Andrew.

Homie.

Don’t do this to me.

I can feel the fucking tears coming do not do this to me.

             This was everything he’d ever wanted, everything he needed, and Neil was never letting go.

And here we fucking go, I’m crying.

Our boy has come so far, so goddamn far, has battled his demons and found himself a family. These Foxes have fought tooth and nail for their victories, and I can’t think of anything more deserving of anything ever than this dumb team of sportsball nerds.

If there ever was an appropriate time to be emotional – now would be it.

“Nicki, you’ve been missing for half a year”, you say.

“Nicki, our poor souls have been hungry for more funny Fox content”, you say.

“Nicki,  get your ass back here and give us the finale we DESERVE”, you say.

You would be correct in all of those things.

But none of those things matter now, my sweet sportsball-loving ever-so-patient friends.

Because it’s time.

It’s FINALLY.

FUCKING.

TIME.

Ravens vs Foxes.

Death match of the century.

Three books, 47 chapters and one and a half years in blog posts have been leading us up to this.

I don’t use this phrase lightly, my friends, but dare I say –

It’s time to make the chimi-fucking-changas.

             [The Foxes’] all-consuming hatred of Riko helped smooth out the jittery edges of their nerves.

Literally me writing this.

             The Ravens had little to say about the Foxes, but that was probably because they were dealing with the fallout from Jean’s abrupt transfer.

Serves the assholes right. Come for them, my hordes of reporters and crazy fans, my pretties, come for them.

             [Jean’s] silence did the Ravens no favours so soon after Kevin’s bold interview, and the speculations and rumours were starting to get a little wild.

Popular theories include:

Jean was embezzling big, big Raven money and the Moriyamas found out. The Trojans are taking him in because said embezzled money bought them a new shrine to keep their friendship bracelets in.

Kevin, Jean, and Riko were living in a polyamorous relationship that ended badly. Riko broke Kevin’s hand in a BDSM scene involving ropes and dubious consent. Their safeword was “emotional wellbeing”.

Jean is Jeremy’s secret twin brother. He’s now being taken home to a loving family with meaningful conversations and roast dinners every Sunday night.

They found a folder with pictures of female presenting nipples on Jean’s laptop.

Jean was physically and mentally tortured by Riko for years, as was Kevin, as is probably everyone else on that team. Ha ha, come now, guys, let’s not get crazy. -5k downvotes on reddit.

Jean is the zodiac killer.

Feel free to send more “Why is Jean transferring to the Trojans” theories my way, please and thank you.

             Wymack passed around a clipboard. Edgar Allan was going to reserve a “friends and family” section right behind the Away bench.

So like… a single empty bench with a tumbleweed blowing across it?

No, not to worry, because apparently Dan is dragging all her available stage sisters to this show. Hells yeah.

Did I mention how much I love the positive attitude towards voluntary sex work this book series has? Did I? Did I?

In preparation for the Big Game™, something happens that in my most humble (and correct) opinion should have happened weeks ago:

             That night Nicky and Aaron showed up to evening practice uninvited. (…) On Wednesday the upperclassmen tagged along too. A week and a half wasn’t enough time to make anyone an expert on Raven drills and scrimmages, but Kevin tried his best.

Yeah, NO SHIT HONEY.

Maybe your elitist ass should have shared your wisdom as soon as you knew there was even the possibility of facing the Ravens, instead of whining about it for multiple chapters.

Just a thought.

             Bringing all the Foxes along made it harder for Neil to get Andrew alone afterward, since it was more obvious they weren’t heading straight for bed.

Boys, you’re not heading straight anywhere.

             It would have been completely impossible if not for Nicky’s interference. (…) He dragged Kevin with him whenever he could.

Hell yeah. Wingman!Nicky is the best Nicky.

             [The Ravens] had destroyed the Foxes with their tricks last October. Kevin had spent months teaching Neil how to play like that, but that meant nothing now. It didn’t matter if Neil and Kevin could score if their defense couldn’t hold the line.

Hmm, maybe you should have let them in on your secrets a little earlier then? Just like? A thought?

I don’t wanna blame it all on Kevin’s elitism, and neither on lazy writing, but I also genuinely can’t think of any other reason why he didn’t share his Mighty Anti-Raven Secrets with the team earlier.

Not just at midnight practices (I can see why no one was invited to that all semester long, not everyone wants to spend precious snooze time for Sexy Exy), but at regular training? Why didn’t someone, at some point, just go “hey Kev, remember how you know literally everything about the Ravens’ play style? Care to teach us how to play like that? Maybe?”

(And before anyone comes along with “wah, but they were doing that all along, just not hard enough” – then why complain so much about it now?)

I don’t quite get it.

             Kevin skipped Thursday night’s practice (…) and he left Neil in charge. (…) The Foxes asked a lot of questions [about the drills] but didn’t push back, and afterward Dan murmured, “Nicely done, captain,” at his ear.

HEEEEELLS YEAAAAAAH.

Captain Neil Josten is the beautiful Pokémon evolution of Responsible Neil Josten, and as we all know – Responsible Neil Josten is the best Neil Josten.

(That’s a lie, Sassmaster McSavage Neil Josten is the best Neil Josten, but Responsible comes a close and dear second.)

But what’s even better than the emergence of Captain Neil Josten is the reason our dear Mighty Exy Overlord Day (All Hail) was absent from practice.

Oh boy.

OH BOY.

Y’ALL ALREADY KNOW WHAT’S COMING.

             It felt a bit like falling and a bit like flying; Neil’s stomach bottomed out a second before adrenaline flooded his veins. (…) Kevin’s number was gone, covered up by the jet-black image of a chess piece.

…

HELL.

FUCKING.

YEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

MY BOY HAS FUCKING FINALLY COME AROUND FOR GOOD.

BOOK ONE KEVIN IS SHAKING IN HIS FUCKING PANTIES.

TRAUMA WHO?!

             “Let Riko be King,” Kevin said, with the exaggerated enunciation of the thoroughly sloshed. “Most coveted, most protected. He’ll sacrifice every piece he has to protect his throne. Whatever. Me? (…) I’m going to be the deadliest piece on the board.”

             “Queen,” Andrew said.

It’s (almost) the last one off the Overused Tumblr Edit Quotes Checklist, folks!

Although when I read this online before, I didn’t imagine the epicness of this line delivered while being sloshed as a fucking bucket.

Kevin, I love you. I completely and unequivocally love you.

We’ve come such, such a long way since Kevin “Riko Will Murder Me If I So Much As Breathe His Name” Day.

I, for one, welcome our new overlord, Kevin “Riko Is A Little Bitch And Can Suck My Entire Ass, Check And Fucking Mate” Day.

             “Fuck him,” Kevin said, sliding a little further down the door. “Fuck all of them. Waste of time to be angry. They should be afraid.”

             “Hell hath no fury,” Andrew said.

FUCK YES.

ANDREW, MY MAN.

KEVIN, MY MAN.

I can’t even begin to put into words how much I love this fucking scene.

Can it get better than this?

It can.

             At length Andrew smiled, slow and cold. It was the first time he’d smiled since coming off his drugs, and Neil couldn’t help but stare.

             “Now it’s getting fun,” Andrew said.

FUCKING!!!!!!!!!!

FUCK!!!!!!! YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ANDREW IS SMILING, IT’S FUCKING OVER FOR YOU BITCHES.

I’m buzzing in my seat. Who’s scared of the match, I’m not fucking scared of the match, this is going to be glorious.

Andrew is smiling, Kevin is free of his brand, and Neil has stopped giving any remote fucks chapters ago.

Now go out there, my sons, and destroy them.

             Andrew pushed Neil up against the wall with heavy hands and hard kisses. “Junkie.”

             “I’ve been waiting for that since June,” Neil said. “You’ve been waiting longer.”

And a very happy Christmas to us all.

Phew.

Alright.

Pre-match banter, preparations and late-night plot twists done and done, we’re more than ready to get down to business.

Let’s play some fucking Exy.

They go to Evermore, and as absolutely unwilling to be there I was last time, as excited I am this time around.

Much like my man Kevin, apparently.

             Kevin had committed; there was no going back. He faced Castle Evermore now like it was just another worthless stop on his way to glory.

Fun drinking game: Take a shot every time I’m proud of Kevin in this chapter.

             There was a chorus of boos on all sides as the news [on Kevin’s tattoo] swept through the crowd, but breaking through that vicious disapproval were a few scattered shouts of “Queen!”

I’m sorry, but all I can imagine is Kevin’s fans seeing the tattoo and going:

“Queen? Queen? Queen! Queen! Queen! Queen!”

Once in the stadium and settling in for the game, we finally meet some faces that have been a long time coming, and I seriously can’t tell you whose presence I’m more delighted by.

First up:

             How Erik Klose heard Nicky over the noise from the stands, Neil didn’t know, but he turned away from the guard immediately and leaned over the security railing to give Nicky a fierce hug.

His spider gay senses were tingling.

Erik bby! You made it at last!

Shamefully, that’s about as much Erik/Nicky interaction as we get. If anyone has any cute fanart to offer, please direct it my way stat, thank you very much.

Next up:

             [Dan’s stage sisters] wore white sundresses they’d altered so three spelled out FOX. The fourth sported a fox paw that was already starting to lose a toe pad.

… Literally me in my Renee cosplay.

(If anyone is interested in the Very Funny and Very Dumb Saga of Renee’s Uniform Print Fuckup, hit me up.)

I was so delighted by Dan’s cheerleaders that I even made up an impromptu haiku:

            we stan a female

            support network that dresses

            to impress. fuck yes.

I loves ‘em.

And third, but certainly not least:

             Matt’s parents had the next seat. His mother’s braid was dyed orange and she’d come in equally bright overalls.

WHAT A WOMAN.

             we stan a mom that

             values her son’s team more than

             healthy hair. fuck yeah.

Again – fanart, @ me, please and thanks.

             “You two could at least say hello,” Wymack said, somewhat aggrieved.

             “There’s no point,” Kevin said. “All they are is a distraction.”

             “It’s called a support network. Look it up.”

Sassmaster Wymack at it again! #dicksoutforwymack makes a glorious return! Get rekt, K-man!!

             “Thea is watching from South tonight,” Kevin said (…) “and my father comes to all of my games. That is enough.”

Uhm, WHAT.

These feels hit me out of fucking nowhere.

“MY FATHER COMES TO ALL OF MY GAMES”, ARE YOU SHITTING ME.

             Wymack’s jaw worked for a moment before he could say in an even tone, “Your mother would be proud of you.”

Nora Sakavic just came into my house uninvited and roundhouse-kicked my feelings square in the face.

No big deal.

             “Not just of me,” Kevin said in a rare bout of humanity.

I said it was NO BIG DEAL.

Moving on, because I really have to move on from this or else my heart is going to combust from the Dadmack feelings –

             Matt’s father skipped a simple “hello” to offer Neil his services as a plastic surgeon, if Neil wanted someone to clean up his face a bit.

             “Dad,” Matt said, horrified. “The fuck?”

Bwahahahaha.

Of course this is rude to the max, but the thought of this grown ass man trying to imitate genuine human compassion by going “… discount plastic surgery?” just sends me.

Oh yeah, amongst all the supportive friends and family, Good Ol’ Uncle Stuart is here too. They talk for a bit, bla bla, Nathan’s goons are trying to mend the pieces that are left of his empire, bla bla, Neil is still being constantly watched, tell us something we don’t know, bla bla, thank u, next.

And next is – more pregame shenanigans, because we’re really taking our sweet time on this one.

             Palmetto State’s traveling band Orange Notes had found their spots at some point, and they blared the fight song with unabashed pride.

I would like to take this opportunity to offer my own version of what this fight song sounds like. Ahem.

             Josten is our King

             Josten is our King

             Orange Sportsball is his thing

             Josten is our King

             Josten is our King

             Please punch Riko in the chin

             Hit him good and make it sting

             Josten is our King

Coming soon to an iTunes store near you.    

I would also like to take this opportunity to point out what a ridiculous and boring name Orange Notes is. Just for the record.

             Edgar Allan’s fight song sounded as malicious as always, and the drums continued in a heavy beat long after the rest of the band went quiet.

Heya, so remember a while ago when I ranted about this German children’s book/film series Die Wilden Kerle, the football team that combines the Ravens’ and Foxes’ colours?

They have a song for that – literally called “Evil” (“Böse”): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=thhh3BgviFQ

This is the most fucking niche humour, but I know at least one lone German nerd out there will get it, and I have no regrets.

We’re almost ready for the game, but there is one more grand, beautiful thing to get done:

Wymack’s Regularly Scheduled “Oh Shit, I Have To Give A Pep Talk” Pep Talk.

             “This isn’t about the Ravens. This is about you. This is about everything it took you to get to this point, everything it cost you, and everyone who laughed when you dared to dream of something big and bright.”

Plot twist – Wymack rules at pep talks, and he is coming straight for our wigs.

             “You’re here where they all said you’d never be, and no one can say you haven’t earned the right to play this game.”

Chills. Literal chills.

I can practically hear him saying this in my ear, earnest and fierce and proud.

             “This is your night. This is your game. This is your moment. Seize it with everything you’ve got. Pull out all the stops and lay it all on the line. Fight because you don’t know how to die quietly. Win because you don’t know how to lose. This king’s ruled long enough – it’s time to tear his castle down.”

Tattoo this speech onto my heart. Paint it on my walls, bright and big and orange. Inject it into my veins and make me never forget it.

I don’t even want to make a joke about this. This is one of the best motivational speeches I’ve read in a long time. There is a very good chance I’ll be printing this out and hanging it somewhere in my room as personal life motivation.

Wymack, I love you. I love you so much.

And now that that very last one of the Overused Tumblr Edit Quotes is crossed of the checklist – let’s fucking go.

Actual footage of the Foxes facing this match.

             [Riko] let out a slew of vicious Japanese. Kevin (…) answered. (…) Pissing Riko off right before such an important match was as stupid as it was exhilarating.

Josten, you’ve got a danger kink as big as Riko Moriyama’s ego.

Fucking idiot.

             It’d been almost seven months since the Foxes and Ravens last faced each other on the court, and it didn’t take the Ravens long to realize they were facing an entirely different team.

Hells yeah they are.

Seven months of character development, teamwork building and gay crisis resolutions will do that do you.

             Their fans’ attack on Palmetto State and Kevin’s veiled accusations had brought a lot of bad press down on them. There were rumours Edgar Allan wanted to close the nest and reintegrate the team with the rest of the campus for their own psychological safety.

GOOD.

Finally, someone in charge in this goddamn book series possesses some goddamn sense.

Take care of these Raven children, y’all – that cave of darkness and daddy issues can’t be healthy.

             The game didn’t start off violent, but it took no time at all to get there.

No one saw this coming.

The first half of the  game goes about as well as expected – which is to say, really fucking horrible.

             There wasn’t a sure comeback like they’d had against the Trojans. The only way to go was down.

Title of your sex tape!

Sadly, the Foxes aren’t taking this with quite as much humour as I am. I’d recommend a healthy Brooklyn Nine-Nine group binge session, known to cure cancer, acne, depression, and acute cases of Failing At Showing Riko Who’s Boss.

However, once second half rolls around, Kevin employs a different, yet equally as effective strategy to combat the latter:

             Before he stepped on Kevin tapped the butt of his racquet against the floor and passed his stick to his other hand. He strode to half-court head high and left-handed, and the crowd went wild.

AS DID I.

FUCK YES.

             Even if [the Ravens] had known this was coming they wouldn’t be ready, because Kevin was no longer afraid of showing Riko up.

FUCK YEEEEEEEES.

MY BOY.

Kevin going full Fuck You, You Fucking Fuck mode on Riko is my sexuality.

             Without Jean around to overhear, he used French to call warnings across the court to Neil.

Mon petit ange fortiche! Je suis trop fière! Mon joli fin baguette!

I want to learn at least three languages more just so I can cheer on these boys in them as well.

And not just them – a certain five foot nothing murder kitten has decided it has had enough of general Raven fuckery, too.

             Neil had never seen him play like this, so intense and fast and determined but Andrew had promises to keep and a goal to defend.

And my feelings to punch.

My three favourite boys, against the Ravens, against the world, the Foxes at their back, I’m fine.

And it gets better.

Some time later, a Raven player deems it a good idea to body-slam our murder kitten into the stadium wall, and well – we ain’t having that.

             Neil closed the space between them like it was nothing. He didn’t remember dropping his racquet but suddenly he had both hands free. He planted them against Williams’ shoulder blades and shoved as hard as he could to throw him off his feet.

In the everlasting (albeit slightly altered) words of Molly Weasley – get away from my boyfriend, you bitch.

Neil’s absolute readiness to fight absolutely anything at all times never ceases to delight me.

And it gets better.

             Andrew lifted a finger from his racquet to point at Neil. “We’re subbing Dan for Neil and Neil for [Matt].”

Yup, you read that right – backliner!Neil is back!

I don’t know who suddenly made Andrew executive head of decision-making in this team, but I’m honestly not complaining, because this is awesome.

             “You’re crazy,” Neil said to Andrew in an undertone.

             “This is news to no one,” Andrew said.

Damn right it isn’t! Fuck it up, my boy!

God damn, I’m so pumped for this fucking game.

Backliner!Neil is back, and he’s back with a fucking vengeance.

             What Riko forgot was that Neil hadn’t stepped onto the Raven court until after Tetsuiji beat him unconscious. (…) Tonight Neil was in perfect form, and he was mad as hell at the Ravens for hurting his Foxes.

His Foxes. His fucking Foxes.

I am buzzing in my seat, you guys. I have literally never been this excited for a game of Orange Sportsball in this entire series.

FOXES!

             Allison gave it to Kevin, Kevin to Dan, Dan to Kevin,…

And that’s how you get an STD, kids!

…and Kevin scored. Just like that they were tied eight-eight.

             They were going to a shootout, Neil realized.

Because of fucking course they are, because this is a goddamn series finale and we don’t do things with comfortable time margins.

But. BUT.

BUT THEN.

             The buzzer went off again, and Neil’s heart stopped. (…) Ten-nine, Foxes’ favour – Kevin had scored in the last two seconds of the game.

FUCK.

YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES.

Absolutely everyone saw this coming, because what fucking sports series ends with the lovable band of misfits not winning whatever championship in the end, but I’m way too pumped to even remotely care.

MY DUDES YOU DONE DID IT!

             It was the first loss in Edgar Allan’s history, and they’d fallen to the unlikeliest of opponents.

             Neil sucked in a deep breath that ripped him open on its way down. “I’d ask you how it feels, but I guess you’ve always known what it feels like to be second, you worthless piece of shit.”

………………………

Oh.

My.

F U C K.

GET FUCKING R E K T RIKO

Hello 911 I’d like to report a COLD-BLOODED AND VICIOUS MURDER.

SASSMASTER MCSAVAGE HAS RISEN ONCE AGAIN AND BLESSED US WITH HIS GOSPEL, GREAT IS HE WHO DOTH DISTRIBUTE THE BURN

… aaand then Riko tries to legit kill him, no big deal.

Emphasis on “tries”, of course.

             Riko’s racquet got close enough that Neil heard wind whistling through the strings, and then a second racquet came out of nowhere, big and bright and orange.

I’m afraid I have to repeat myself, but: Get away from my boyfriend, you bitch!

             [Andrew] caught Riko across the forearm. Bones gave a sickening crunch as they shattered.

Break that shit, boo, he won’t be needing it anymore.

Sickening, damn right.

             Neil tuned out their frantic demands, more interested in listening to Riko’s endless, agonized screaming.

Same, baby, same.

Didn’t think I’d ever do a happy dance about a fictional emo edgelord getting his arm broken, but here we are.

             “Neil,” [Dan] said, so desperate and afraid Neil had to look at her.

             “Hey,” Neil said, hoarse with exhaustion and heady triumph. “We won.”

             Dan threw her arms around him and buried a choked laugh against his padded shoulder. “Yeah, Neil. We won!”

And boy, did the world turn upside down.

I need a nap, or five.