Untitled

I have no idea what the person who holds those things look like. I know that he reminds me of me, but he hurts so much more in ways I can't even understand.

I have factual knowledge, most of the time of what trauma I was experiencing. Mostly. but as for feeling those things? they are pieces of pain I have to fend off, or else they'll over take me. Which is a weird feeling.

I describe it as the Pressure Behind My Eyes, that threatens to push the inside tears to the surface.

I didn't know that it's not normal to not remember hardly any interactions with your parents whatsoever. Or hardly any of your childhood whatsoever.

that's the thing, isn't it?

psychotic break? break down? misplacement of reality? dissociative disorder? I don't think you'll get an answer searching in those ways. I don't think you'll get an answer if you insist the one you keep getting is wrong.

you are going to feel pain tomorrow, I think. you're going to feel pain about the things I've said, I think. I feel like you will. that is the pattern you exist in. you try to ignore what is painful to you if you think you can't uphold what is expected or needed. if you feel you do not have what is needed, you just try to exist in ways that do not ask that of you.

it's going to cause pain. it will hurt. we will do this a million times over and you will continue to tumble thoughts in your head hoping to round their sharp points into things that you can hold in your hands.

what are you going to do about it? can you do anything? will you try? will I continue to exist within the walls of your brain, watching you and keeping the structure sound?

every moment is like jumping off of a cliff. every moment for you is a moment that you could spend in the air. every moment is uncertain and you would stand on the precipice forever if you were allowed to, and I don't think I can give you the shove you need.

I wish you would exist more in your own life. it is hard to be a ghost, you know. it is hard to be something tangible when others are expecting someone that acts more like that of flesh and blood than of memory and automation.

the routines continue. the programming goes on. all of the code is in order but something is missing and you don't

know

quite

like the box I live in gets smaller and smaller everyday. the things I am allowed to say or express get smaller and smaller everyday. within my brain is a list of rules I cannot even hope to understand that dictate my functioning in nearly 100% of my everyday life and it's fucking killing me.

I can't say x because I think about it from the other person's perspective and I can't do that to them. I can't say y because then I would be a hypocrite and my feelings would be used against me and would cancel out any critique I have because I have done whatever it is they're doing too. I can do x, that's the wrong choice, because it's not a good use of my time. can't do z, because it would be suspicious of me to do that behavior.

can't watch this video can't say that thing can't do this activity can't think those thoughts.

something lives within my brain that does not hate me; it just hates every aspect of my existence. it exists to keep me within ever narrowing lines.

if I could just be someone who is not me I think that I would be able to escape it, just for a moment, but I don't think that's how it works, that something that could not be seen by the overseer within my brain would be able to function better. we are all bound to the same rules and we are all watched over by the same parts that want to keep things within the realm of allowance.

no earrings that you want to wear even though they were purchased for you. no dressing in this way. no dressing in that way. no speaking about this. no asking about that.

me: these earrings I got earlier are cute but they're not really my style, im glad i got them though and i think shuffle will really like them. im trying to acknowledge that some parts of my brain want different things

brain: you actually thought that they would be good for pretending to be shuffle

me: um. did i? i don't think i did

brain: well i guess you better figure that one out because if it's true it's incredibly fucked up and needs to be acknowledged so you can get better

me: um

brain: clearly the solution here would have just been to a) accept that YOU like the earrings and intend on wearing them yourself 'but i really don't want to wear them' b) just not buy them at all and ignore the temptation to do nice things for the rest of your brain under false pretenses.

brain: if you could just accept that you want to wear these earrings it would have been perfectly fine

me: i really genuinely don't want to wear these, i just know later that some part of my brain probably will

brain: hey I crushed this thing down for you so you can survive like you always have without really understanding what's going on

me: okay cool but uh. its still affecting my life and i have to know what it is to determine if its mine or not

brain: ok then, decide

me: what

brain: go ahead, decide whether it's yours or not. also if you don't choose correctly i will eat a baby seal

me: um. well like idk bc you crushed it down so idk if it's like, i have no idea if I owned this object originally or not

brain: no no, i understand. but if it doesn't belong to you and you keep it instead of letting its rightful owner have it you're kind of an awful person. you'd be keeping someone from something that they have a right to have.

me: h