messing around with brushes in procreate again

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@nicepuppet
messing around with brushes in procreate again

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back at it again
here's one of the things i added to my shop this month that i'm really proud of. if you have procreate, can spare 2 bucks, and you want to help me afford to survive, please consider buying and trying out the fruits of my effort! (:
Celebration Confetti & Sprinkles Brushes for ProCreate
(if $2 for some brushes seems a bit much, you can add on the matching confetti calendar templates for no extra charge with the code CONFETTI50)
two little landscapes i painted on cardboard this morning (:
(curious monthly ko-fi members can see the full resolution version of this photo, if they do so desire.)
may as well let A or N take over my life. at least men think im worth something alive when I'm A. at least i have something worthwhile as long as im warm and breathing. at least when I'm N im fucking normal and not a fucking freak and as long as i disappear forever and never come back he could live a normal life instead of me.
i may as well never front again. i hope i never wake up. i hope you blink before i do. i hope i never get sober

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it doesn't matter how trapped and scared and terrified I feel. it doesn't matter how fucking much it hurts. it doesn't matter how triggered I am. I don't need to expose people to the ways I feel because the way I feel is bad and people hate it when other people make them feel bad. I don't understand how people think that I'm supposed to express myself to be healthy when all I feel when I express this stuff is that I'm a massive inconvenience that upsets everyone and that it would be much much better if I just shut the fuck up
it's been happening more and more. like realizing that cave is taller than me. or that I am at Salem's house. or that I am 25. I don't understand many things in my life. I wish I could express the depths of the confusion there.
it's like if you took a piece of a puzzle from some other picture and deposited into one where there was one missing. I fit there. I am the right shape. but I do not line up with the rest of the picture and stand out. I can fill the space accurately but in a puzzle of stars at night I am a piece with a speck of cloud on it. I just don't understand.
it's really weird occasionally finally understanding that there's someone in my head who experiences such horrible negative feelings and emotions and like. i can't relate to anything they say or talk about. they exist in the holes of my memory, holding on to pain I can't really see.
I have no idea what the person who holds those things look like. I know that he reminds me of me, but he hurts so much more in ways I can't even understand.
I have factual knowledge, most of the time of what trauma I was experiencing. Mostly. but as for feeling those things? they are pieces of pain I have to fend off, or else they'll over take me. Which is a weird feeling.
I describe it as the Pressure Behind My Eyes, that threatens to push the inside tears to the surface.
I didn't know that it's not normal to not remember hardly any interactions with your parents whatsoever. Or hardly any of your childhood whatsoever.
I just thought it was normal.
you people really have no idea how little I experience in my own life
that's the thing, isn't it?
that's the thing, isn't it?
psychotic break? break down? misplacement of reality? dissociative disorder? I don't think you'll get an answer searching in those ways. I don't think you'll get an answer if you insist the one you keep getting is wrong.
you are going to feel pain tomorrow, I think. you're going to feel pain about the things I've said, I think. I feel like you will. that is the pattern you exist in. you try to ignore what is painful to you if you think you can't uphold what is expected or needed. if you feel you do not have what is needed, you just try to exist in ways that do not ask that of you.
it's going to cause pain. it will hurt. we will do this a million times over and you will continue to tumble thoughts in your head hoping to round their sharp points into things that you can hold in your hands.
what are you going to do about it? can you do anything? will you try? will I continue to exist within the walls of your brain, watching you and keeping the structure sound?
every moment is like jumping off of a cliff. every moment for you is a moment that you could spend in the air. every moment is uncertain and you would stand on the precipice forever if you were allowed to, and I don't think I can give you the shove you need.
I wish you would exist more in your own life. it is hard to be a ghost, you know. it is hard to be something tangible when others are expecting someone that acts more like that of flesh and blood than of memory and automation.
the routines continue. the programming goes on. all of the code is in order but something is missing and you don't
know
quite
what it is.

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i don't feel empty, i feel like something wrapped around something that has so much that the only way to survive has always been to be the insulation that this body needs, a vacuum devoid of anything that heat can use to escape, devoid of anything that heat can use to join the inside
hi future guy. im kind of confused because i supposedly have disorder? which doesn't make sense. i go to therapy for this stuff every week but I guess it's just confusing because I don't get that or understand that. I don't feel upset and I'm watching a show with my friends but it's just like? 'apparently' I have some kind of disorder that causes me issues but it's just.
it's all so very far away from me. idk about all that stuff
genuinely just fucking upsetting sometimes that it feels like everyone else in the entire world is allowed to say things how they want but not me.
like the box I live in gets smaller and smaller everyday. the things I am allowed to say or express get smaller and smaller everyday. within my brain is a list of rules I cannot even hope to understand that dictate my functioning in nearly 100% of my everyday life and it's fucking killing me.
I can't say x because I think about it from the other person's perspective and I can't do that to them. I can't say y because then I would be a hypocrite and my feelings would be used against me and would cancel out any critique I have because I have done whatever it is they're doing too. I can do x, that's the wrong choice, because it's not a good use of my time. can't do z, because it would be suspicious of me to do that behavior.
can't watch this video can't say that thing can't do this activity can't think those thoughts.
something lives within my brain that does not hate me; it just hates every aspect of my existence. it exists to keep me within ever narrowing lines.
if I could just be someone who is not me I think that I would be able to escape it, just for a moment, but I don't think that's how it works, that something that could not be seen by the overseer within my brain would be able to function better. we are all bound to the same rules and we are all watched over by the same parts that want to keep things within the realm of allowance.
no earrings that you want to wear even though they were purchased for you. no dressing in this way. no dressing in that way. no speaking about this. no asking about that.
its just tiring.
its just. like. i survived because of the way when im upset i lock myself into a psychological corner of my brain where I can't do any actions that make things worse because im not ALLOWED to do things that make things worse. i force myself into corners and against walls and inside boxes and I just lock myself up until im frozen and i can't do anything.
there's nothing to say. nothing to do. there's no where for any pain to go. it just sits inside me and it hurts and there's nothing I can do for it because I know that if I express distress about the fact that I am messed up that is not what I am supposed to do
last thing for the night but a typical thought process for me goes like
me: these earrings I got earlier are cute but they're not really my style, im glad i got them though and i think shuffle will really like them. im trying to acknowledge that some parts of my brain want different things
brain: you actually thought that they would be good for pretending to be shuffle
me: um. did i? i don't think i did
brain: well i guess you better figure that one out because if it's true it's incredibly fucked up and needs to be acknowledged so you can get better
me: um
brain: clearly the solution here would have just been to a) accept that YOU like the earrings and intend on wearing them yourself 'but i really don't want to wear them' b) just not buy them at all and ignore the temptation to do nice things for the rest of your brain under false pretenses.
brain: if you could just accept that you want to wear these earrings it would have been perfectly fine
me: i really genuinely don't want to wear these, i just know later that some part of my brain probably will
brain: yes, and that's just you. stop pretending that it's not. just accept that its completely you looking for an excuse and pretending you're not yourself.

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my brain is like.
brain: hey I crushed this thing down for you so you can survive like you always have without really understanding what's going on
me: okay cool but uh. its still affecting my life and i have to know what it is to determine if its mine or not
brain: ok then, decide
me: what
brain: go ahead, decide whether it's yours or not. also if you don't choose correctly i will eat a baby seal
me: um. well like idk bc you crushed it down so idk if it's like, i have no idea if I owned this object originally or not
brain: no no, i understand. but if it doesn't belong to you and you keep it instead of letting its rightful owner have it you're kind of an awful person. you'd be keeping someone from something that they have a right to have.
me: h
brain: but ALSO if it does belong to you and you spend all this time trying to find it's owner that will be a lot of wasted time you could have spent on working on putting it back together.
i'm barely a person. i'm a husk. i'm not much. i don't know how to live in a world in which i am supposed to be a human. there is something missing from me which is vital- and i do not know what it is i lack, only that it is gone. that i do not have it.
i worry that what i am missing is consciousness. i don't know what to do about that.