The Wander Keeper

In law school, they will warn you to be very extra careful about a “friend.”And it’s very important that you listen to them. A few days ago, several people sent me a message asking if I knew a certain person. Without hesitation, I replied, “Yes, he’s a friend.” Because that is what I always do. I assume good faith. I give people the benefit of the doubt– even at the expense of my own…

I married the love of my life.My best friend.My favorite plot twist. Ours is not the grand, cinematic type of love story people expect when they hear about falling in love. It didn’t start with fireworks or confessions or reckless spontaneity. Instead, it began with spreadsheets, project engagements, and shared work calls — the universe quietly doing its job in the background. We were teammates…

Exactly three weeks ago today, I left the job I loved. I remember it vividly—it was a Tuesday morning. The day before, I made the difficult decision to voluntarily leave Project NOAH. The inconsistencies at work had grown heavy, and the future felt too uncertain. The very first time I entered DOST-ASTI, I walked straight to the Research and Development Department, looking for Ma’am Jeng. A…

I quit my job with no backup plan. No next gig lined up. Nothing waiting in the pipeline. I quit because I was tired—and maybe my brother was tired too. Tired of hearing me cry, of watching me juggle law school and a full-time job like my life depended on it. (Because it kind of did.) Don’t get me wrong—I’m incredibly grateful. These days, I no longer worry about work deadlines. My biggest…

It has been a constant battle of “what wolf wins?” lately, and it came to a point tonight that I realized the one I feed is taking the victory by storm. I call it rage. Sometimes it’s pain, other times it’s anger. I hadn’t felt this familiar nudge for a long time. Or maybe I had but I was so used to keeping it hidden at the far back of my chafe closet that letting it out was a waste of time…

You know every time I come home to Ilocos and visit your grave, I always ask you to come and visit me even if it’s just for a quick hello? It took you 17 months. I can’t tell if it was my bottled-up anger, disgust, and frustration or maybe some subliminal emotions that finally brought you around, but after all this time, you’re still the only person who can tell me the right words at the right…

I get silent when it hurts a lot

Have you ever had those days when you don’t know where the sadness comes from so you stare at your walls and ceilings trying to pinpoint what’s causing your dread? Or those days that people are inviting you over for gatherings, but you chose to stay alone at home? How about those days that you don’t feel anything at all, but there is this intense pain that’s eating you alive? Yes, those…

I have been lying a lot about my life lately to avoid people being concerned. It’s dreadful, isn’t it? Having a heart full of dreams and aspirations in a body filled with dread and frustrations. I don’t want to lose, but I don’t want to live like this either. It’s draining. It’s overwhelming. It’s overpowering. It’s more than the most negative thing we could ever imagine. Because everyday is…

Not okay, but nevermind

The sadness tonight is a little too much. I am trying to be okay by forcing myself to be with people I am comfortable with, but I still feel so… lifeless. It has been this way for so long, and it seems as though I can no longer save myself from the rubble that has been building up since I can’t remember when. I don’t even want to live anymore. Every day feels like just another day of trying to…

An Open Letter to my Best Friend in Heaven

Hi, I miss you. Perhaps a little too much. I have been crying a lot lately because even the little things trigger my anxiety. I cannot even function well enough that I always end up contemplating quitting law school or flying abroad to stay there for a while. I have been going out a lot at night, too. I am drinking with our friends which I never did when you were still alive. I need the beer…

That July 17, 2014 story

It has been seven (7) years today, which means, this blog post has been sitting on my drafts that long. A long time coming, it is, but I have to finally say it: I’ve moved on, but the memories and sounds of gunshots sometimes still hunt me in my dreams. (more…)

But God said No, and that’s okay

My close friends, family, and prayer warriors know that I have been praying for a permanent government position for the longest time, so when the opportunity presented itself, I fervently prayed for that position to be mine. I prayed and wait for it everyday. But God said no; and oh, boy, was it firm. (more…)

Go and Pursue the Dream You Paused

Dear Beloved, May you finally have the courage to pursue the dream you paused. No matter what it is, I pray that you never dismiss it. It may take a long time for you to realize that dream, but all it takes is a baby step towards its fruition. One step at a time, yes? Continue reading

2020 is the year when everything that could go wrong, went wrong. Life has been very static and fragile– and every waking day was another day of discovering things I didn’t even imagine existed. It was supposed to be a good start, coming with a 2020 vision and all, but everything came crumbling comes the second week of March. Suddenly, the world was on standstill. (more…)

This year has always been about reminding myself that if I was brave enough to start, I’ll thrive. Photo by Luis Dalvan on Pexels.com I oftentimes push myself to the very edge of my capacity whenever I wonder if I am worthy of the paths and tracks I decided to take in my life. My choices are endless, they are available at every turn, but I tend to take it all for granted and give in to…

This is What it Means to be Hungry

I finally understood what it meant to be hungry.. of our goals, aspirations, and dreams. Stay Hungry.Jackson Wang When I started following and looking up to the had work and passion of Jackson Wang (GOT7 x Team Wang), I knew I was up for more than an idol ride. He always ended his greetings and social media posts with “Stay Hungry. Let’s Make History“, and I contemplated what he meant on the…