New to the Office

Ladies, don’t forget to change the batteries in your dildo.

i was at my friends house last night, talking about the office dynamics, and rambling on about how im not trying to be an over-achiever, i just find eight hours to be a long time.

look, i realize i could slow down, but why? its a dead month, so, why not prepare for the year now? i was hired to focus on growth and profits- there’s always something that can be done in that regard, and, all i’m trying to do is get things in place now so that when our big events hit, nothing lags behind. also, i used to do 250 events a year alone while also being a general manager. i can’t help it that i’ve been conditioned to be hyper-focused and on all cylinders.

while going over this spiel, my friend had a very interesting insight that stopped me in my tracks. in a kind way, she said “well, you are intimidating at first.” 

me? intimidating? whaaaaat?

so i inquired further into this observation. “i know you now, but, you take a long time to open up, and when you’re around new people, you observe everything. and, in terms of work- you’re able to compartmentalize it, but, you’re the smartest person i know and you’re never afraid of taking chances. so, i’d imagine the people you work with are seeing that and are intimidated.”

and, i have to be honest, this isn’t the first time i’ve heard this. and, it hasn’t been from just females either. men don’t know how to read me and women think i’m essentially a power bitch. 

so, how do i change that? the truth is, i’m shy and on a Meyers Brigg- I’m always an INFP. I’m an introvert. Yes, through the years i’ve become more hesitant about people, but, that’s just because i’ve seen true colors. the truth is, i’ve always been quiet. 

It’s a week and a half into the new job and I have to be honest- I love it. Office dynamics and politics are interesting but I feel like I’ve been training for this like an Olympian. I can read people and situations, and there’s a power in being the outsider that I’m holding close to the chest. I think I’m going to make  some serious waves. So, I’m glad that’s going well.

The one thing I have found that happens now is how fiercely protective of myself I am.

Within a new office, I’m friendly but not over-indulgent. I’m hesitant about everyone. Is that maturity or is that damage? Maybe it’s one in the same.

Within my personal friendships and relationships, i’m holding everyone to a higher standard.

Look, it’s an old story, right? A person who does everything for everyone. A person who goes out of their way and overextends themselves for others. A person fraying at the seams hoping that one day a person who they’ve done everything for will return the favor.

I’m fucking over it.

If you’re not a reciprocating person, you’re moving down on my hierarchy. The freedom in this thought process is finally saying this to people, and not feeling guilty about it. If I’m having a bad day and you can’t carve out 5 seconds to talk to me, but, 30 seconds later you need me for a personal crisis, that’s not a friendship and it’s time you get downgraded.

I’ve made so many difficult choices for myself this past year and seeing that I can survive and even thrive is only more empowering. My expectations aren’t much. But, if ive given you a thoughtful Christmas gift, gotten you medicine, always been there when you needed to vent, and you can’t even be nice- lesson learned, it’s time for space.

Adjusting to new hours is way more difficult than I anticipated, and, the commute isn’t helping. I’m also essentially a single mom now- yes, to a dog- but, it’s a lot of pressure. My ex hasn’t helped at all in months. Even his stupid fish tanks in the basement have suffered. I’m feeding the fish, waking up an hour earlier than I need to make sure the dog gets his walk and play time for his eight hours alone. The plus side- I’m home by 6 and I’m home on the weekends. So, I’m technically spending more time at home, it just doesn’t feel like it right now.

I’m hoping to create a new routine for myself in the next few weeks- especially in terms of self care. Writing, working out, a good hair mask day- I know a million people do this a day, it’s just complete culture shock when your life has been lived opposite everyone for ten years.

the problem with being the person who does it all at a job is what happens when you’re not there to do it all.

there is no part of me that thinks i’m indispensable. there is no part of me that has an ego or is inflated about the job that I do. humility has always been a strong point for me, but, with that said- there is a lot that I do.

it’s the little things, too. like updating the pacing schedule in opentable, adding or removing tables, designing floor plans for events, designing menus for events, creating timelines, the specials, the social media, the photographs, the menu designs, cleaning the menus, going through and organizing random things, prepping the staff, checking the sidework, ordering, email marketing, website updates, the list goes on.

I woke up this morning in a cold sweat: “ will my parties no longer receive the personal touch we’ve become known for?”

in case I haven’t mentioned this, I do work for my dad. sure, I could have found another job sooner, but i’m grateful for my time here because it led me to my dream job. I wouldn’t have the capabilities for it without my time here.

but, working for your dad adds another layer of anxiety; what will happen to him?

I stayed too long at this job, not only because I loved it - well, I loved parts of it- but, because I always worried about him. even with help this place is a lot, how is he going to do it by himself?

Oof, I worry. 

and, while that anxiety can be suffocating. I also can’t help but think that I am free. I am free to start over. if there ever was a gift from the universe, from god, and from myself, it’s that i’m giving myself this chance. 

From the divorce files

Hey.

once upon a time I was an avid blogger. oh man, those were the days. you just documented your life, and made it look all cute and buttoned up, only for complete strangers to come around, comment and ask where you got your sweater.

that world became too filtered and contrived and required too much sharing. how much sharing do we really need to do? honestly. it’s like the followers wanted to join us in bed at night- well, that was done... by my now ex-husband... so, here we are.

I don't really want to come here and discuss “growth” and “change” because we all have our favorite quotes-a-gram for that. fuck it, right? no one wants to hear about it. aren’t we all quoted out by now?

in about two weeks i’ll be starting my first OFFICE job in seven years. ooof. 

you see, I've worked in a restaurant for the last seven years. first as a happy go lucky waitress, then as a sex-appeal bartender, and now as a worn down general manager. as luck would have it, on a day where I just wanted to blow my brains out and serve it as the soup du jour, an opportunity presented itself. after many interviews, a little bit of politics, and a lot of belief in me from others, I have landed my dream job.

in the same breath, I filed for a divorce from my husband. why walk to change when you can run? even if you haven’t run since you were a varsity athlete. and even then you hated running. 

but, now, i’m new to the office. 

to be honest, no one is more excited for this change and shift than me. 

“the universe aligns us when we ask for it.”

gag.

look, I actually do believe in synchronicity and the universe. I also believe in hard fucking work. you cant just “ask” the local indoor plant for something. you have to fucking work. you have to follow through. you have to chase it. you have to sweat it. dream about it. AND THEN AFTER ALL THAT YOU STILL MIGHT NOT GET IT BUT YOU MIGHT GET CLOSER.

put that in wordswag and quote it. 

I thought with all this change I could re-enter the writing world on my own terms. with anonymity (ish- lets be honest, the internet can figure out anything). and with something to finally discuss.

my goal? just to write. 

I have a feeling i’ll finally start sharing all the horrible experiences I've had in the restaurant, now that I cant lose my job for it. 

I have a feeling i’ll discuss the different lifestyle pace (you mean I wont be eating dinner at midnight? what are weekends off?)

and, I have a feeling i’ll talk about re-entering the dating world. 

it’s all new to me.

so, just so we’re clear moving forward:

1. I misuse commas. fucking deal with it.

2. I curse. I work in a high pressure atmosphere. I like cursing! I love the word “fuck”! i’m going to curse. take your jesus prayers and find another tumblr if that's offensive to you. 

3. i’m not going to bother proof reading this too diligently. i’m also not going to bother capitalizing words. I don't want to, okay?

4.i’m sarcastic and I've never been able to really write in that voice. my old blogs were watered down versions of myself because my mom read it. my think pieces that are floating around on the interwebz are a stylistic version of my writing. I want this to read like we’re talking! 

5.im new to tumblr, too. ive used WordPress, blogger (let’s all laugh at that together) but ive never entered the tumblr world. I feel old saying that (i’m not old- just have lived a few lives the last ten years) but hopefully i’ll pick up on the cool, hip, lingo soon. is 

5a. i’m really fucking excited. i’m excited to start new. I know that's unusual! but, it’s all been a blur and i’m excited to be present again. to be reinvigorated again. 

here’s hoping this works! 

cheers,