griffin we gotta fight some weeds at floor-twenty!

i bet using your body as a human shield feels kind of good before it really doesn't

at some point in your life you will be boiling fruit, water, sugar, and lemon juice in a pot to make a syrup or jam. the instructions will tell you to simmer for a certain amt of time. your timer will go off and you will look at the pot and go, "hm, this doesn't look thick enough. maybe i'll let it go for another 10 minutes." this is the devil speaking. it's only so liquid right now because it is at boiling point. it will thicken when it cools down. learn from the follies of my youth and do not let this happen to you

at some point in your life you will be making a sauce or a stew in which you need to add cornstarch to thicken it. and you will prepare a slurry of starch in cold water and think "this looks like way too little starch to thicken this amount of liquid." this is the devil speaking. cornstarch instantly polymerizes at 95°C and if you add too much it will turn into an impossibly thick goop.

at some point in your life you will be making some sort of cream based dessert that requires gelatin to thicken it. and you will soak some gelatin sheets in water and think "this is too few gelatin sheets for this amount of cream." this is the devil speaking. it will thicken in the fridge and if you add too much you will end up with milk jelly

at some point in your life you will be baking cookies. you will take the sheet out after twelve minutes as the recipe instructs and the cookies will still be glistening and soft. "these don't seem cooked enough," you will think to yourself, "i should place them back into the oven until their edges are nice and golden." this is the devil talking. this is how you get dry, overdone cookies. the cookies will continue to bake on the warm sheet for several more minutes and then harden up after sitting on a rack for a while. trust the process. trust the process.

at some point in your life you will be adding a small pasta to a soup and you will think "that is not enough small pasta." this is the devil talking. the pasta will absorb the stock and expand. this is how you end up with a soup that is a solid mass of soggy ditalini.

everyone eat more vegetables NOW!!! and mention the last vegetable you ate in the tags so we're all on the buddy system. I'll start: bok choy

Daily affirmations for tesla owners: your car is ugly as hell and everyone hates you

speaking of adam driver his bootboy photos still make me cry i cannot believe those are real

transandrophobia isn't real <3 bc no one has ever discriminated against a man for being a man <3 transphobia/cissexism/every social justice movement always already assumes the victims of oppression are men <3 which is literally what patriarchy is <3 and has been a problem in every social justice movement <3 so transfeminists coined a separate word for when cissexism interacts with misogyny <3

I'm sure all my settings are set to "yes show me mature content no don't filter anything" what are you TALKING ABOUT

the posts are ON THE WEBSITE. I can't search dirty words?? am I five??? is this club penguin??? when I get you

I genuinely believe that the new SW trilogy wouldn’t have flopped out into irrelevance like it did if they hadn’t dumped Finn on the side of the freeway like a new pet rabbit the week after easter

Anyway in my heart Finn became a Jedi alongside Rey and inspired a Stormtrooper insurrection and Kyle Ron went back to his mom like he should have day fucking one and that angry redhead dude blew up with the star destroyer and Poe got to make it happen and at the end Rey doesn’t give a shit who her bitch ass non-palpatine parents might have been because she gets her new family like she needed and palpatine stays dead at the bottom of his musty hole like he should have and Finn and Poe give each other approximately 130% the amount of lingering meaningful looks and then one of their run-together-to-reunite moments results in a heat-of-the-moment make out like it should have and Luke and Leia meet in person a minimum of once so she can sibling slap him at least once for being a useless dramatic old hermit for a billion years and tell him to get the Chanel boots back on and stop being a sad hobo and then for no reason at all there is an ewok style moon of Endor forest party at the end like God intended

free my girl she did all that and that’s what makes her such a compellingly complex character. that’s her essence

I’m so pro abortion I feel insane hearing any other take on it

Even lefties I know will eventually concede to some situation where they think it’s right to force someone to carry a child against their will as if that’s not one of the most inhumane and cruel situations to put someone in regardless of any other factors

Not proud of what I turn into when several mangos are put in front of me. The lack of self restraint is shameful. I would compare it to how fiction describes werewolves, or newly turned vampires. Everyone who has had a good mango understands, though.

last time I got a bunch of mangos I went into a sort of mango induced bacchanal madness, ended up eating the skin too because it was so thin, and the next day I ended up with my face swollen to hell because it turns out that mango skin has the same chemical as poison ivy, and eating that is bad. I did an interview on a reckless amount of antihistamines, got the job, and ate the last two mangos.

update: it happened again