Whatevs...

· · ─ ·✶· ─ · ·

It’d been five years since you moved. Since you started your brand new life, leaving the past behind you and never looking back. 

You’ve never been happier, but there were still the rare nights where you would think too much, where you’d wonder what could’ve happened if you did things differently. If you didn’t take the job offer and move away, maybe you and Noah could’ve found a way back to each other and work through things, maybe you’d bump into him at the gas station or a coffee shop and you’d fall back into each other's arms… 

But you knew that would never happen now. And still even now, you were still learning to live with that fact. 

You were reheating last night's leftovers when a text popped up on your phone. It was from Kat, an old colleague and good friend of yours from a few years back, the only person you stayed in contact with when you moved. She was going to be one of the bridesmaids at your wedding which never came to be, and she was the closest thing you had to a best friend during that chapter of your life. You gave her your new number when you moved away, and you would both send occasional texts, checking in with each other. 

But this wasn’t a message asking how you were doing, how your week was, or if you were excited for the weekend. It was an invitation… 

Kat: Hey! I thought I should let you know in advance that I’m having a party for my birthday! It’s going to be a big one, and I’d love for you to come. I’ll pay for the flights and everything, and if you’re able to take the time off work I’d love for you could stay a while. But there’s no pressure... I just miss my best friend <3

You caught yourself smiling at the message before the microwave started to beep at you. You quickly grabbed your plate out before returning to your phone, reading the text over again. 

You: Of course! Send me the dates and I’ll see what I can do, it’ll be great to see each other again. We’ve got so much to catch up on :)

… 

You were so glad your boss was laid back and liked you, because you managed to get the time off, and before you knew it you were landing back in the place you once called home. It felt a little weird being back, and you’d be lying if you said you haven't been thinking about Noah, wondering if he had moved, if he was still in the same city… if he was still alone. 

But you didn’t let the thought linger.  

You stepped off the plane with your headphones in, you never thought you’d ever come back here. You remembered how terrified you felt on the flight out of this place all those years ago, how you stared out the window the entire time, promising yourself you wouldn’t look back. 

But now you were here again, but it was for a good reason. 

The taxi ride into the city felt quite strange, not much was different- a few shops had changed, some trees in the park had been cut down, but your favourite coffee shop was still where it had always been, so you knew everything was fine. 

Kat was waiting outside her building when the car pulled up, bouncing on her heels as she waved at you through the window. 

You barely got out of the car before she wrapped her arms around you, squeezing you tight enough to make you laugh. You dragged your suitcase out of the car, then followed her up to her apartment. 

The moment you stepped through the door, it smelled like candles and something sweet baking in the oven. It was a lot different to the last place you remembered her living in, her old place was tiny, it had one little bedroom and one rather faulty bathroom- you remember having a call from her while you were working one day, telling you how the tap on her sink had come off and she didn’t know what to do, to which you replied “neither do I, but a plumber might!” 

The first night there healed your soul in a way you never knew you needed. You were both sitting cross legged on her couch with takeout containers spread between you, you had put a movie on but neither of you were paying attention to it, you were too busy catching up. You told her all about your new life, your job, the little friend group you made, the way you went to sip and paint nights every Thursday and the way one of the bartenders at your local bar always hit on you whenever you went in, though you had absolutely no interest in him. 

Then she told you about her life, her promotion, how moving to this place was so difficult because the elevator was broken so she had to hire some guys to bring all her furniture in. Then the topic changed to dating. 

“I hate all the men in this city.” She said confidently, “I swear they all share the same god awful personality.” 

You laughed, taking a sip of the hot chocolate she had made.

“Glad to see nothing's changed since I left then.” 

She shook her head. 

“What about you though? Other than the bartender, do you have anyone special over there?” 

“Nope,” you shook your head softly, “It’s just me.” 

She studied you for a second, her brows raising. 

“Really? Not even a casual fling?” 

You hesitated for a second, then shrugged. 

“I’m not really looking for anything like that. I’m happy by myself.” 

That was the most simple answer you could give, the easiest way to explain it. You could say you were too busy rebuilding yourself, you could say you liked your peace too much. But you couldn’t tell the truth.

That no one else was him. 

How could you? She didn't even know about Noah...

… 

The party was the night after that, and Kat’s apartment was now full of people. There were some faces you recognised, some you didn’t, old friends you used to work with who pulled you into hugs and asked you a million questions. 

“You look amazing!” “Wow, it’s really been five years?” “Are you back for good?”

You shook your head at the last one, insisting that you were just visiting. Because even you had to remind yourself of that. 

But throughout the night, the questions seemed to get a little more intense and personal, and Kat could sense you were getting a bit uncomfortable. Then, before you knew it, she was at your side, handing you another drink. 

“Hey, she’s off limits for heavy life questions tonight!” She announced. “This is my birthday party, not therapy.”

You mouthed a little thank you and then before you knew it, the conversation had already shifted.

As the night went on, you found yourself relaxing more than you expected to. You danced with Kat in the living room until you were both breathless and giggling, you sat on the balcony wrapped in a blanket while listening to old coworkers gossip about names that sounded very familair.

By the time everyone finally left, Kat’s apartment looked like a disaster zone. Empty cups littered every surface, someone had somehow lost a shoe near the couch, and Kat groaned as she assessed the damage.

“We are absolutely not cleaning this tonight… it can wait ‘til tomorrow.”

You laughed tiredly, kicking your heels off near the table. 

“Oh, definitely.”

The two of you changed into your pyjamas and collapsed onto the couch with water bottles and whatever snacks were leftover from the table, too exhausted to put the tv on, but not quite ready to go to bed yet. 

You were in the middle of having a conversation with her when you suddenly realised she wasn't even listening. She was grinning at her phone. 

“Hello? Earth to Kat?” You waved your arm, “What’s- or should I say who- got you smiling like that?”

She snapped her head up at you, a mischievous smile spread across her face.

“Okay…” she began, “Don’t hate me.”

You narrowed your eyes, immediately realising this could be going.

“That’s never a good start.”

“This guy I’m talking to just said happy birthday to me… and he wanted to know if I was free tomorrow night- at first I said no, I told him I had a friend staying over and I didn’t want to be rude.” 

“Okay?”

“And…” she continued, her grin only growing wider, “He told me there was no worry, because he has a friend he could bring… if you wanna come with me?”

You stared at her blankly.

“No.”

“Oh, come on.”

“Kat-“

“You’ve been single for years!”

“And?”

“And maybe it would be nice for you to talk to someone!”

You shook your head, laughing softly in disbelief. 

“I don’t even know how to do that anymore.”

“Yes you do,” she argued. “You’re hot and funny and emotionally mature. You’ll survive one date.”

You sank deeper into the couch cushions. 

“But I don’t want a relationship right now.”

“I know,” she said gently. “And I’m not trying to force you into anything serious. It’s just dinner. A double date… do it for me?”

For a moment, you thought about it. You weren’t the same person you used to be. You weren’t desperately clinging to someone who consumed your entire life anymore. You were happy by yourself now. For the first time in your life you felt stable and whole…

Surely one harmless dinner with a stranger wasn’t going to unravel all of that.

“…What’s his name?” You asked cautiously.

“The guy I’m seeing? Davis.”

“And the friend?”

She shrugged. 

“No clue. Davis just said he’s nice- and cute apparently. He said he barely leaves the house, so he’s dragging him along no matter what he says.”

You huffed a laugh. 

“Well that’s reassuring.”

“Please?” She asked, nudging your knee. “If it sucks, we’ll say one of us got our period and leave early, then go get drunk somewhere else.”

You pretended to think about it longer than you needed to, before finally sighing.

“Fine. But if this friend's weird, I’m not talking to him.”

Kat let out a loud squel, making you wince.

“You’re gonna thank me one day, y'know.”

You very much doubted that.

By the time you finally crawled into bed that night, you were so tired you could barely keep your eyes open. You plugged your phone in to charge, curled up beneath the blankets, and stared sleepily at the unfamiliar ceiling above you.

A blind double date… surely it wouldn’t be too bad?

…

You slept for most of the next day, and woke up just a few hours before you were supposed to be at the restaurant. You didn’t really care too much, you put very little effort into getting ready- but Kat on the other hand…

She was nervously pacing around, trying on different outfits before throwing each one down on the bed, declaring she had nothing to wear, despite the growing pile of clothes suggesting otherwise. Then once she found something she didn’t hate, she moved into the bathroom to do her makeup. You sat on the closed toilet lid, trying to calm her nerves, though it wasn’t working. 

You never quite realised how much she liked this guy. 

“You’re being rather calm about this,” Kat said, glancing your way before sticking one of her lashes on, “Especially since this is probably your first date since Mike.” 

His name alone made you recoil. You tried your hardest to forget about him, the poor man whose heart you broke.

“It’s just dinner,” you said with a shrug, “I’ve just gotta talk to this guy for an hour then we’ll go our own ways. It’s not like this is gonna become a thing.”

Kat smirked as she leaned towards the mirror, sticking her other lash on. 

“Yeah, that’s what people say before they accidentally meet the love of their life.”

You scoffed. 

“I think I’m past all that now. Nothing's ever worked out for me before, has it?”

You pretended not to see the way that made her frown slightly. 

By the time the two of you finally left her apartment, the sky outside was a pretty pinky-orange, and the uber was already waiting outside the front. You both climbed in the back, and as she fixed an earring, she turned to you. 

“Okay, we need to set some ground rules.” 

“Oh god…”

“If either of us feel uncomfortable, we go to the bathroom and call the other.”

“Agreed,” you nodded, “And if either of them says anything misogynistic, racist, homophobic- if we think anything's even the slightest a red flag- we put them in their place and leave.” 

“Oh obviously,” she nodded too, “And if Davis’ friend just happens to be insanely attractive-”

“Kat!” 

She just laughed, reaching into her bag for her phone. 

“I’m just saying! Keep an open mind.” 

You rolled your eyes, smiling despite yourself, then turned your attention towards the passing streets outside the window. And for some reason, you had butterflies in your stomach. You couldn’t let yourself believe it was because you were excited and nervous- because that was stupid. You told yourself it was because it had been so long since you’d been on a date. 

The only reason you were doing this was so you could say you’d been on both a blind date and a double date- and also so that Kat wasn’t meeting this guy for the first time by herself. You weren’t looking for something, but if you actually liked the guy then you weren’t opposed to maybe going on a second date before you head back home...

When you got to the restaurant, you were quite glad the two of you got there before Davis and his friend. You stepped inside, and once Kat gave her name, you were being led to your table. The two of you sat next to each other, and you looked at the drinks menu while Kat checked her phone for the 50th time since leaving her place.

“Okay, they’re on their way!” She whispered excitedly, “I’m so nervous.” 

“You?” You laughed, “At least you know who you’re meeting tonight.”

“Yeah, but I’ve never seen him in person before! What if he doesn’t look like his pictures?”

“What does he look like?” You asked curiously, and she went straight to instagram. 

Your heart dropped the moment she turned her phone to you. Sure, he was handsome, but in the picture on her screen, he was wearing a certain band’s merch… 

You tried to tell yourself it was just a coincidence, Bad Omens were pretty popular… but now a part of you was cautious. 

Before you could say anything, a waiter came by to take drink orders, giving you just enough of a distraction to tell yourself to pull it together. To not overthink. 

Everything would be fine- and even if it wasn't, you’d be flying home soon anyway. 

…

You were halfway through telling Kat a story about something that happened to you last month, when she suddenly stopped listening. Her eyes drifted over your shoulder, towards the entrance, and her entire face changed. 

“Oh my god…” She whispered. 

You frowned a little. 

“What?”

She grabbed your wrist hard enough to make you laugh instead of listen. 

“Davis’s friend is hot!” 

“Kat-”

“No seriously, look!” 

“I can’t!” You laughed, “Wouldn’t they be a little creeped out if they saw us both staring-”

“Shh!” She interrupted you, quickly turning back around, “They’re coming.” 

“Hi,” a voice suddenly appeared, and before you knew it, Kat was standing and being pulled into a hug, “Wow... you look amazing.” 

“So do you.” She grinned as she sat back down. 

“And you must be the best friend I’ve heard all about… I’m Davis.” 

He held his hand out, and you took it, shaking it as you smiled politely. 

“Nice to meet you.” You said. 

Then, as Davis went to sit down, he glanced over his shoulder. 

“Hey, you coming?” He called out, before turning back to you two, “Sorry, he’s a little nervous. He hasn’t been on a date in years.” 

“Neither has she!” Kat laughed, talking about you as if you weren’t sitting right next to her. 

But then somebody stepped into view, and the entire world around you stopped moving. 

Because you recognised that build, the broad shoulders, the tattoos... and when your eyes finally lifted to look at his face-

Holy shit.

For a moment, your brain genuinely refused to process what you were seeing. Because it couldn’t be him. Not here, like this. 

You swallowed hard, the entire world around you still a blur as he looked up from his phone and froze. Then you watched in real time as the realisation hit him. 

The way his eyes widened slightly, how his entire body froze, how he suddenly stopped breathing for a moment. It was like he had seen a ghost. 

You felt exactly the same. 

This was Noah. Noah who has seen every part of you, the good, bad and ugly. Noah who loved you so much that in the end it became poisonous. Noah whose voice you’d still hear sometimes when you couldn’t sleep. 

The man you once thought you’d be with forever. The only man you ever loved, though you weren’t sure whether you could call it love, when it felt more like dependency. 

Kat and Davis were talking to the both of you, though neither of you heard a word they were saying. 

But then you watched as Noah straightened up, you thought maybe he’d excuse himself, turn around and walk away… but he didn’t. He took a deep breath in, putting on a neutral expression like a mask. And you tried to do the same, because what else could you do? 

You couldn’t exactly say Hey Kat! Funny story! This is the man I spent most of my life loving even though I never said a word about it to you and it ruined me so much that I had to move away and restart my life!

Noah took another step closer until he stopped by the chair opposite you. Up close, he still looked the same as ever- and he had certainly aged well. He was still heartbreakingly beautiful, so much that it made your heart ache to just look at him. 

Davis smiled between the two of you, blissfully unaware of the bomb he’d just detonated. 

“This is my friend Noah,” Davis said casually, “Noah, this is y/n.” 

Your heart was racing now, especially as Noah was looking directly at you. Not at Davis, not at Kat. You. 

And with the smallest shift in his expression, the two of you made a silent decision simultaneously, like even after all the years apart, you could still read each other's minds. 

Pretend. 

“It’s nice to meet you.” Noah said, holding his hand out towards you. 

Your fingers trembled as you placed your hand in his, like you had done so many times before. And the moment your skin touched, it was like every memory came rushing back at once. 

The screaming matches late at night that ended with the two of you tangled up in bed together. Crying in each others arms while you tried to work out what the hell was wrong with the both of you, why you ended up like this. Late night drives, wrapped up in his jacket, laying in the back of his old truck, staring up at the stars. The lies. The cheating. The unanswered calls. The exhaustion.

Noah's fingers gave your hand the smallest squeeze before letting go. 

“It’s nice to meet you too.” You replied softly. 

He sat down beside Davis, opposite you, and you couldn’t let yourself look at him. Instead, you picked up a menu and stared down at it without reading a word. 

It seemed a bit awkward for a while, until the waiter came back with Davis and Noah’s drinks, and took your orders. After that, the menus were collected, and you no longer had a distraction. 

Kat must’ve thought you were just nervous, that there was a cute guy in front of you and you had no idea how to talk to him since it had been so long. So she perked up, sitting up a little straighter. 

“So,” she beamed, “Ice breaker time! Tell us about yourselves!”

“Hey, this is your date.” You said, shooting her a glare, but all she did was shrug. 

“Yeah, but I’ve been talking to Davis for weeks now. You two have only just met!” 

Oh, Kat… if only you knew.

You lifted your head and met his eyes for a moment, then he looked away. 

“I’m Noah,” he said, as if that hasn’t been the very name you’d been cursing for over half of your life, “Uh... I work in music.”

You nearly smiled, same vague answer as always. 

“Like… in a band?” Kat asked. 

“I guess you could say that.” He replied.

You could’ve scoffed. You remembered sharing a tiny bunk with all 6 foot 3 of him on the tour bus, trying to sleep while he was humming away, writing down lyrics at three in the morning. You remembered their first show, how you were the one who even got it booked for them. You remembered the call when their record label wanted to know if they were interested in signing with them. 

And now you had to sit here pretending you were just learning this about him. 

“And what about you?” Davis asked when Noah didn’t say any more. 

“I work in marketing… I actually moved overseas for work a few years ago.” 

Noah’s head lifted when you mentioned the word overseas, and looked back over at you. 

“Do you like it there?” He asked suddenly. 

The question sounded normal enough to everyone else, but you heard the real meaning underneath it.

Are you happy now? Did leaving save you?

“Yeah,” you said softly, “I really do.”

Noah’s expression softened in relief, and it almost hurt to see. 

“She loves it over there,” Kat said with a big grin, “I swear it’s made her cooler.”

You laughed. 

“That’s not true.”

“It absolutely is!” She insisted, “You do all these artsy classes with your new friends and get free drinks at the bar when you flirt with your mysterious bartender admirer.” 

Davis laughed. 

“Mysterious bartender admirer?”

“She’s exaggerating.” You shook your head. 

“I’m not!” Kat argued. “Apparently this guy is obsessed with her-”

You glanced toward Noah without meaning to, and you noticed the way his jaw had tightened. How suddenly his expression had changed. Nobody else had caught it, but you did, because even now after all these years apart, you still knew exactly what he looked like when jealousy hit him.

“Wow, sounds like someone’s popular.” Davis grinned. 

“Mm, she doesn’t like him though,” Kat informed him proudly. “She says he’s not her type.” 

Noah looked down at his glass for a second before speaking.

“Yeah? So what is your type?”

Your heart thumping so heavily in your chest that it almost made you feel faint. 

“I don’t know… tall, funny… not an asshole-” 

“Check, check… and I’m not so sure about the last one.” Davis nodded at Noah with a smirk. 

You tried to not make your laugh sound so awkward, but Kat clearly noticed the switch up, so she was changing the topic again. 

“Okay, Noah. What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?”

You physically felt his panic for a split second, because both of you knew the answer to that. And you were both thinking the exact same thing, you could tell by the way his lips pressed together, as if to stop himself from laughing- and you were doing the same, biting the inside of your cheek.

But surprisingly, he composed himself, and looked over at Kat as he spoke. 

“Well,” he chuckled, “It wasn't a first date or anythig, but I left my girlfirend at the gas station once.” 

More than once, you wanted to correct him. 

“What?” Davis laughed, “You never told me about this.”

Noah shook his head. 

“We had a date planned, we were gonna go to the aquarium. I stopped off at the gas station to get some snacks for the road, because it was a pretty long drive… and my girlfriend at the time, she was using the bathroom and I might’ve forgotten that I already picked her up. So after paying, I got back in the car and went to her place to pick her up. I waited there for about five minutes-”

“Where was her phone?” You asked suddenly, trying not to smirk, “Did she not text you?”

Noah’s eyes darted towards you. 

“Well, I called her.” He said slowly, “And I only realised what had happened when I heard her phone ringing on the passenger seat.” 

“No way!” Kat laughed, “What happened after that?”

Noah let out a long sigh. 

“I went back to pick her up, she was pissed. We’d argue a lot anyway, it was just… a part of us I suppose. It wasn’t a healthy relationship in the slightest, but we always knew the fights would blow over, that we never really meant anything we said. Nothing could break us... or so we thought. Anyways, we rescheduled the date and went the next weekend.” 

“Dude,” Davis chuckled, “You make it sound like you’re still in love with her.” 

You swallowed hard, and you watched as Noah thought it over in his head. But then he shrugged. 

“She was my first love. You never really forget that, do you?”

Softly, you shook your head. 

“I know.” 

Before you could say anything else, the waiter appeared beside the table carrying plates balanced carefully across his arms.

“Perfect timing!” Kat grinned.

You let out a breath you hadn’t realised you were holding as everyone moved about to make room for the food, and after that, the conversation dissolved. 

Well, between you and Noah at least. Because now Kat and Davis were talking to each other, instead of focusing on the two of you. She asked him about work, he asked her about how her move went. 

But you and Noah stayed quiet. It almost made you laugh, because there was once a time where you two were always the loudest people in every room together. Constantly talking, touching, teasing, interrupting each other mid sentence, arguing over the stupidest things. 

Now the two of you barely spoke.

A few times, you caught him looking at you when he thought you weren’t paying attention. Once when you laughed at something Kat said, once when you tucked your hair behind your ear absentmindedly, once when you reached for the water jug at the exact same moment he did, both of your hands pausing instinctively to avoid brushing.

You wondered if he was feeling the same awful awareness you were, the constant ache of remembering, feeling like every tiny interaction felt much bigger than it actually was. Because every time you looked at Noah, another version of him flashed through your mind.

Eighteen years old and grinning at you from the driver’s seat of his first car. Twenty three and furious, pacing your house during another pointless fight. Twenty seven and sobbing silently into your shoulder because he thought loving you was ruining both of you.

And now here he was. Much older, much more mature, and dare you say it, still as pretty as ever. 

“So,” Davis said eventually, pushing his empty plate away once he had finished his last bite, “You guys want another drink?”

“Yes!” Kat perked up immediately. “You guys want the same thing?” She asked, already standing.

You nodded, and so did Noah. 

“Cool.” Davis said as he stood up, reaching for his empty glass. 

“Behave while we’re gone.” Kat grinned before following him to the bar. 

You laughed weakly, watching as the two of them disappeared. 

And then it was silent. You stared down at your hands for a second, suddenly hyperaware of how close Noah was across the small table, and how long the two of you had really been apart for.  

Noah exhaled softly through his nose, staring down at his hands. 

"Hi." He said simply, breaking the silence, but still not looking up.

"Hi." You said back quietly.

“This feels weird.”   

“I know.” You laughed, though it came out shakier than you intended. 

His eyes lifted to yours then, and you couldn’t begin to describe the feeling it gave you. There wasn’t that intensity in the way he looked at you anymore, instead his eyes were gentle. Something soft in them that almost looked like sadness. 

“You look happy.” He said after a moment, and the sincerity in his voice almost hurt. 

“I am.” You said carefully. 

His expression softened instantly at that, and you watched his shoulders relax like a weight had suddenly been lifted from him. He looked relieved- and that was the moment you realised that Noah had probably spent all these years wondering whether leaving him destroyed you, or whether you came out of it stronger. 

“You do too.” You said quietly.

He looked surprised by that.

“I don’t know about that.”

“No,” you said softly. “You do.”

For a second, he didn’t say anything back. He just looked at you, like he was still trying to process everything. 

“I really never thought this would happen.” He confessed.

“You mean tonight?”

He nodded his head.

“I used to think about running into you all the time- hypocritical of me I know, after telling you to leave,” he admitted with a small, almost embarrassed smile. “But I always imagined it like some stupid movie scene. Randomly seeing you one day in a grocery store or the gas station or a coffee shop somewhere.”

Your heart physically ached, because you’d imagined it too. More times than you could count.

“And then after a while,” he continued quietly, “I figured if it hadn’t happened yet… maybe it just wasn’t supposed to.”

Suddenly, you could hear his voice in your head, from all those years ago. 

But if one day our paths happen to cross again, then maybe. If that’s the way life takes us and we find each other, then we’ll see. But if not, then we’ll know. 

“I guess the universe finally got bored.”

Noah laughed softly, and you felt your heart melt. 

For a moment you just watched him, taking in how different he looked once more, yet he was still that same boy you fell in love with all those years ago. You wondered what he thought when he looked at you, which version of you he saw.

Noah glanced down at the table, choosing his words carefully before speaking again.

“There were a lot of times after you left where I wasn’t sure if I did the right thing.”

Your breath suddenly caught.

“Noah…”

“I mean it,” he said quietly. “That night- telling you to go, telling you to leave, to find yourself…” He gave a small shrug, eyes fixed on his glass. “I knew it was what you needed, it was the right thing to do, but that didn’t make it hurt any less.”

Your heart ached, because you hadn’t properly thought of that night in a while, you never let yourself. Though you could still remember it so clearly, the screaming, the crying, the begging. Noah telling you,

“If I love you as much as I think I do, then I’ll get through this too. Even if it destroys me all over again, I’ll go through it just to know you’ve finally found peace”

At the time it felt so cruel, but now you see it for what it was, and it felt unbearable selfless. 

“I hated you for it at first.” You confessed quietly, earning a weak smile from him.

“Yeah, I knew you would.” 

“For a while, I thought it was because you hated me for leaving you-”

“No,” he said, immediately cutting you off, “I could never hate you. I was trying to save you… and honestly, probably myself too.”

You looked down at your hands, because he was right. You’d loved each other so intensely for so long that eventually there was nothing left outside of it. No individuality, no balance, just Noah and you and the constant cycle of hurting each other and patching it back together before you even had the time to process it all.

Neither one of you were to blame- well, maybe one more than the other- but only now after all these years you realised you were both hurting each other by not helping each other. He was struggling to adjust to fame and the new life it brought, but you didn’t always see it that way. You were struggling with feeling like you were losing the one thing you had, the person you loved, but he saw it as you being too overbearing. 

“You know,” he said after a moment, his voice softer now, “I used to check your socials sometimes.”

“What?” You let out a quiet laugh, and his expression turned almost sheepish.

“Yeah… I think I just needed to know you were okay.” He said, his smile turning smaller and softer, “I saw pictures of you smiling and I hoped to god it was real… you looked happy, so I tried to tell myself we did the right thing.” 

You swallowed hard. It was the right thing, you both knew that from the moment he told you not to stay. But just because something is the right thing to do, doesn’t mean it’s easy, it doesn’t mean it’s not painful. 

“I checked up on you sometimes too.” You said, which clearly surprised him. 

“Yeah?”

“Mm,” you nodded, “Every now and then I’d search your name, see what the band was up to, watch some interviews…” 

“Why?”

You hesitated for a moment, unsure of how much of the truth you wanted to tell him. That you never stopped loving him and wanting the best for him, that no matter how much time passed, forgetting him was impossible.  

“I think I needed to know you survived too.” You said with a small smile. 

You watched as his face softened, and the two of you just sat there looking at each other for a long moment, almost unable to believe how much pain the two of you had caused each other over your lives… and instead of sitting across from him feeling angry about everything he had once done to you, it just felt sad, and rather tender. 

“When are you going back?” He asked after a moment. 

“...Next week.” You said quietly, almost like you didn’t want to go home. 

He gave you a slow nod of his head, like he was trying not to show his disappointment. 

“That soon?”

“I’ve got work.” You explained. 

“Right…” He nodded again, tapping his fingers against the table- an old nervous habit he’d had for years. 

You studied his face for a moment while you sat in a slightly nervous silence. You could tell he was thinking something over in his head, and before either of you could lose your nerve, he spoke. 

“Do you think that maybe... I can see you again before you go?” He asked carefully, like he was afraid you'd say no.

You were taken back a little by that, and your brows raised in surprise. But as you opened your mouth to answer him-

“We’re back!” Kat announced with a big grin, passing you your drink, “Sorry, the bar was kinda busy. Did you guys talk much? Did we miss anything interesting?”

“No.” You and Noah both answered at the same time, making it seem slightly suspicious. 

The synchronicity of it made Davis laugh, and when you looked back over at Noah, he was already looking at you, bringing his drink up to his lips, giving you a look that told you he was still waiting for your answer. 

…

It wasn’t much longer until dinner was over, and the four of you were all walking out, Kat and Davis were ahead of you and Noah as you walked to the parking lot, but then she suddenly turned around to speak.

“This was fun,” she announced happily before turning back to Davis, “I guess we make good matchmakers.” 

You nearly laughed, if only she knew.

Davis then turned around and smiled towards Noah. 

“I think we should do this again.”

Noah glanced over at you for a second before answering. 

“Yeah. Maybe… if you ever find yourself back here.”

You silently nodded your head, and carried on walking side by side with Noah for the first time in years. And somehow, it felt oddly normal, but you tried not to think about that.

You looked down at the pavement for a second, trying to calm the nervous butterflies fluttering in your stomach before finally speaking.

“So…”

Noah glanced toward you softly. 

“So?”

You laughed quietly, then before you could overthink it, you pulled your phone from your bag and held it out toward him.

“...Can I get your number?”

Noah suddenly slowed his pace, watching surprise spread across his face before something else replaced it- something almost boyishly happy. God, it almost made your chest hurt. 

“Yeah… yeah of course.” He said quietly.

You smiled softly, suddenly nervous yourself as he took your phone carefully from your hand. 

“But,” you added gently before he could start typing, “I need you to know something first.”

His eyes lifted to yours immediately, and you swallowed hard before continuing. 

“I’m happy now, Noah.” The words came out softer than you intended. “I’m happy in myself, by myself. I’m not doing this because I think… I don’t know. That this has to turn into something.”

He softly nodded his head, and let you continue. 

“I just want us to catch up properly.” You said quietly, “I don't know if you remember, but before anything ever happened between us, you were my best friend. And I’ve really missed you.” 

For a second, Noah just looked at you. He didn’t know what to say, how to tell you he was proud of you, that he was more than happy to just talk as friends. The two of you had spent almost your whole lives afraid of losing each other, and here you were setting boundaries, telling him how you really felt. 

He gave you a small, soft smile.

“Yeah, I’d like that… I’ve missed you too.”

Your heart gently skipped a beat, then he looked down at your phone again, typing his number in before handing it back to you.

The second your fingers brushed his, Kat’s voice called from ahead of you.

“Oh my god!”

You looked up suddenly, to see Kat was staring at the two of you with absolute delight while Davis laughed beside her.

“I knew it!” She squealed. “You two totally hit it off!”

You felt heat rush to your cheeks, and beside you, Noah ducked his head slightly, smiling to himself.

If only they knew that this wasn’t the beginning of something. 

This was just the continuation of a story that had been unfolding your entire lives.

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