My brain feels like it’s tumbling down a hill into a swamp below.

Lately, the SH thoughts are entering my brain more and more again. I know I’m unwell, I’m just begging myself not to break again. Like, brain, you can be depressed all you want just don’t do anything that will land you in the psych ward again.

I might take a shower more often again and wake up before noon and I may have cleaned my room the most for the first time in years but my head is still a depressed b*. I’m starting to function more again but I still hate myself and feel like a failure and an embarrassment to my loved ones...

I got almost a week but I already feel the grey settling in again...

I feel okay right now and that terrifies me. Because I’m not sure if this energy is just that my sleep is mildly normal for the first time in a long time or if my brain is building to a hypomanic episode. And whilst I’ve not had a manic episode yet, I wouldn’t put it past my brain to try one of those in my future either. And then there’s the inevitable fall from normalcy I always have. This, right now, is what I imagine it feels like for “most” people just living the day-to-day. But my day to day is normally dimmer, and starts later and ends later. There’s a type of depression called dysthymia, which is where you kinda live is this “mild” depression most of the time and I think that’s me. I have times where I want to spend all day in bed in the dark and I have times where I just want to get out of the house at live life. But most of my time is spent able to get up (just to stare at my computer all day) but not until noon and I haven’t been able to work in a few years now. So yeah, feeling “normal” is scary to me because it feels inevitable I will fall down again and I have no idea how long I get to feel “normal” for or for how long the new low will last or just how low I will go...

Here’s the thing about being told to journal when you’re in the pit of depression or whatever mental illness is claiming point at the time... you keep those journals and from time to time you reread parts of them and suddenly you remember things you once forgot. Not necessarily highly traumatic things but more like oh right spring break that year at uni I just hid in my dorm in the dark 90% of the time or oh right I have no memories for most of sept/oct that one year because of whatever my brain was doing then. And it’s like oh glad I’m not in that same pit anymore but also like the pit just changes as you do. This pit of depression, I’ve had going for 10+ years now (probably closer to 17+) and it’s just evolved over those years. Yeah that spring break it was deep and dark and quiet and lonely. But only just a couple years ago it was, with the help of BPD, a medium pit made to look infinite in depth. At the moment I’m not sure if it’s a large pit masked as shallow or visa versa but its confusing at the least.

I have this image in my head of myself sitting crisscross in a comfy chair on the psyc ward right by a window and just dissociating and/or being lost in thought for hours on end staring out into the garden. And it feels oddly comforting. But also because that sounds comforting I think I might be sliding. But I’ll be fine because I literally have no time for a breakdown.

Ya know the BPD diagnosis is correct when your brain is annoyed and irritated that you have strong protective factors.

Time to play minecraft for hours on end again so I don’t yeet myself from the planet. Stupid bpd.