i’m leaving for church camp today and i’ve never felt more anxious. i’ve been in a really bad depressive state lately, having episodes and shit. well, i’m agnostic leaning towards atheist. i’m only going because my bestfriend wants me to. she’s the reason i’m gonna stay sane there. i don’t wanna meet anybody else, talk to anybody else, or feel pressured to speak up about what i think is going on in a chapter of the bible. ⬇️⬇️
i went to church camp in 2024, and in 2025. the first year was only to fit in and have a good time. in all honesty? it was not fun. the second year, i have no clue why i went. i had lost most of my friends and thats when things started to get bad. maybe i just thought that if i turn to god as everyone says, maybe everything will get better. but my prayers weren’t answered. what if there’s no god? anyways, that week in 2025 was the worst fucking week of my life. i pretended like my sobs were from worshipping and feeling like god is touching me. the biggest lie ive ever said. i was overwhelmed from the music, how loud it was, homesick even though i hate being home, and how hot it was. and it felt like everyone was all up on me (that’s what i get for going to a camp with 2k people).
this camp is different though. or so i hope. less people, closer to my house even though its in a different state, and i’ll be with my bestfriend. so maybe ill have a better time.
also let’s keep in mind that where i live, the deep south, it’s considered controversial / problematic to be an atheist 😭😭😭😭
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