tc-neverevenalmost

I just want to talk to him all the time but when we talk I get nervous and stumble over my words, if I can even think of any. 

Since he got back we’ve spoken quite a bit. It has given me plenty of opportunities to embarrass myself. I love talking to him, I don't care what it’s about. It’s almost over though, and I don’t think he cares. He shouldn't and neither should I. I know that is it going to be really hard for me when I officially leave and never go back. Everything reminds me of him. I’m always thinking about him. Even when he was away for about 3 months I always thought about him.

I don’t think I want him to like me. There are so many reasons that it wouldn’t work out but I can’t help but wish we could try it. I am selfish and he deserves better. He deserves everything. He is such a good person and it annoys me that not everyone can see it, even him. 

He was seen in school on Wednesday and we managed to find out that he is back. It’s more complicated than that but he’s back and I've seen him and talked to him.

Yesterday (Wednesday), I saw him a couple of times but we didn't talk or anything. BUT in the morning I had an exam so I was sitting doing some last minute revising with some friends and WHO DO I SEE walking through the door? Oh, yes! Bare in mind none of us have seen or spoken to him for about 3 months; none of us knew (we still don’t) why he hadn't been in school. This motherfucker sees us and does a thumbs up! WTF?! It was so funny. Also, yesterdays exam was for his subject. Now, did he do that on purpose, or was it a coincidence or something else? I don't know and I probably never will.

Today, I was doing laps with a friend at lunch on the floor where his classroom is. We walked past him about every 5 minutes but he didn't see us because he was busy, but one time when we were going past he came out of his room and saw us but didn't say “hi” or smile or anything and I was like “fucking hell, okay then”. I didn't say that but ya know. After lunch I had to study for an exam that I have tomorrow so I sat in the study place in his department, I usually choose to sit there to study, even when he was away. He actually spoke to me. he kept on walking past and he came over to talk to me a couple of times. It wasn't anything too interesting but it was amazing and meant a lot to me. We joked a bit and he wished me good luck for my exam tomorrow.

I am so happy that he’s finally back but I wont see him much because I’ve technically left school. I will still be in a few days in the next couple of weeks and I need to get my leavers form signed but I don't have long. I'm hoping that he will come to see the school show so I might get to see him there. I’ll need to remember to ask him about that. 

It’s been about 3 months now since I last saw him. I just want to see him again, hear his voice, just talk to him. I do know that if that did happen I would still want more but this isn't fair. He just left. That’s how I know that he doesn't care about me, because he didn't even say goodbye.

I went into school to study today and decided (after much debating with myself) that I would study in the designated area in his department. I settled in- put my bag down, got my books and water bottle out- then I made my way round the corner to the closest toilets (that is possibly too much but it’s relevant). The toilets, for your information, are directly opposite his classroom. All it took was a quick glace through the window to see that he still hadn’t returned.

This was quite a shock, and I hate to admit it, but I hadn’t given much thought before to the idea that he wouldn’t be back today. I had been counting down the days for this. I had changed my outfit twice this morning and I had styled my hair differently. I miss him so much and I don’t think I will ever see him again and it’s killing me. There’s no one I can speak to about this and I will probably never tell anyone or admit it to them if they ask me. 

I think that I might post some past moments with him, some of the highlights. I hope it will help. I’m worried that I’ll never see him again but I’m also worried that if I do see him again it will be awkward and he will try to avoid me or perhaps it will be exactly like before and nothing will be said and I’ll leave and never see him again and my feelings will continue to be a part of my being. 

Hi, I’m new here and might delete this blog really soon but I need some advice or just someone to “listen”.

I don't know how long this message is going to be so bare with me?

Ok so, I have sort of already left school. I had my last day today because my year are going to the theme park tomorrow as a celebration. 

Anyway, I have a major crush on one of my teachers BUT I haven’t seen him in a few months. I don't know why but he’s been away since the start of February and none of the other teachers have said anything. There are plenty rumours going around but obviously nobody knows the actual answer for his absence. If you would like me to develop this (I won’t go into every detail) please let me know; I might write about it anyway. 

No one had been told when he would be returning but a few of my friends have heard in some recent weeks that he will be back next Monday as it is the start of exam leave, therefore all senior pupils will be gone. I will be in most of that week to study for my exams but I don't know what to do if I see him, I really want to see him and talk but I'm socially awkward and I don't want to somehow put him into a difficult position. There is a study area in his department that I sometimes go to because it is mostly quieter than other designated study places in my school. I was planning on spending most of my time there but I don't want to look like I'm stalking him or that I'm looking for answers because I really like him, and respect him and his privacy. 

If anyone reads this and wants to help it would be greatly appreciated. I can write more for some further information so let me know what you think.