Nerdy Bird Knowledge

The beginning of the end, or the beginning of hope?

Maybe a little of both. 

I started my own version of John Green’s 100 days to match up with the first 100 days of the new regime in America we’ll be facing - I’m terrified of the future, and so I decided to do this so I would at least have one thing positive. 

I’m going to be honest. This first 5 days have been a bit of a bust. While I have (for the mostpart) been eating better, the exercise has not really been happening - It’s been raining and I’ve used it as my excuse.

I have been wearing my fitbit and I’ve reactivated my MyFitnessPal accounts (you can find me on FitBit at [email protected] and on MyFitnessPal under the username NerdyBirdAsh).

I guess I’ll start with some beginning numbers, starting today.

Weight: 291 (Which was surprising in a good way - I had previously weighed in at 310)

Bust: 55″

Waist: 48″

Hips:58″

Upper arm (L): 19″

Upper arm (R): 18″

Thigh (L): 37″

Thigh (R): 37″

Here is a relatively recent picture of me:

It will be used as something to measure against to see what changes may occur over this journey. 

As you may know if you’ve read my post I’m Fat? I Had No Idea! (Said No Fat Person Ever) I’ve worked very hard to accept myself at the size I am. This is not an attempt to lose weight, though if I do that’s a thing that happens. I’m doing this because I feel the need to do something good for myself. Exercise is good for you, so if I’m physically able to get exercise I guess I should probably do that for the benefits it would bring to my physical and mental state. 

I’m planning on being better about logging things. I want to maybe vlog some exercises, and keep a log of what I eat via photos (which might be rough with my broken phone, but I’m certainly going to try)

If you’re so inclined, please follow me during this journey. Get involved - message me. Tell me your favourite exercise methods, a particular recipe you find delicious and nutritious. Motivate me to get my butt moving. Cheer me on. Whatever. I’m a fan of interaction, so I’d love to have you join me and make a connection. 

Let’s talk bodies. Specifically, let’s talk about bodies with a higher percentage of fat on them. Fat is one of these few “anomalies” left that is socially acceptable to comment on, to shame, to make fun of. Though progress is being made through body and fat positivity movements, there is still a long way to go before people (both fat and thin) can feel accepted an any size. 

What qualifications do I have to speak on this matter? Let me introduce myself. This is me:

I’m 5′5″ and roughly 290 lbs. I am fat. In fact, there is no period in time that I can remember that I wasn’t. That’s 25 years of fat experience you’re looking at. Most of that time was spent absolutely hating myself for it, wondering why I had to be built this way. 

You know what people think of when they look at me? They think I’m lazy. That I eat nothing but fast food, or that I eat constantly. When’s the last time I went out for a walk, got some exercise in? Maybe if I ate a salad every once in a while I wouldn’t be in this predicament. My body shape screams diabetes, high blood pressure, high cholesterol. It is assumed that I just don’t take care of myself, period. These assumptions cost me in real life. Being fat makes it harder for me to get the job offer, to get the promotion. Being fat costs me extra money, in the clothes I sometimes have to go to specialty stores for, and for the big one: medical care. 

I have had to switch doctors twice so far, and it’s looking like I’m going to switch a third time. I’m tired of my medical issues being overlooked because of my weight. Every time I have seen the doctor, and spent the $60 copay for the appointment, the reason I made the appointment gets skipped over and goes into the “You know, you’re fat and should look into losing weight” conversation. Like I didn’t know I’m fat, like it’s some sort of surprise, like it just appeared overnight and I can get rid of it just as quickly. The first doctor skipped all other suggestions, going straight into surgery. The reason I was in the office? I suspected I had strep throat. Instead of confronting that issue, he shrugs it off as a cold -- and asks if I’ve ever thought of getting the lap band. He was convinced I had diabetes, that my cholesterol must be high and he might need to put me on medication for it. I had to fight to get the step swab, but allowed him to charge me almost $200 for blood tests to appease him. The results? My glucose levels are normal -- I’m not even prediabetic -- my cholesterol is low, and the blood pressure they had taken? 102/66. A damn near perfect pressure to be at. You know what came back positive? The strep test. The second doctor didn’t lead straight into surgery, though he did try to pitch his Liquid Diet program to me. At least he was honest about the insane costs of it, and did mention that aside from being fat in frame I was healthy. 

What really gets me is when people, especially my doctors, think that because I’m fat, I must be inactive. That’s a fun one. What they don’t know is that I did softball in my childhood, was a cheerleader in middle school, leading into high school, and that even now, after working a job where I’m on my feet for 8+ hours a day I go on runs at night and I go hiking on my days off. Fat people have lives, too. We can actually do stuff and be active. I used to go to the gym every day until I got told to stop keeping the machines to myself, and let people who actually make progress use them. Now I work out alone, away from people with that mindset. I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life. 

And neither do you. 

It took me so many years to be alright with myself. I had to fight through hate, not just from those on the outside who bullied me, but from the inside from believing what they had to say. I used to think that I wasn’t beautiful, that I’d never be successful, and I’d never be loved. I was wrong all on three counts. I finally see the beauty that is me. I’ve had brilliant opportunities to work in companies that I loved and became immensely successful in, and I learned to love myself... and in the process, found the love of a man who proposed to me a few months ago. It’s an uphill battle -- I still have days full of doubts, but I know that I’m not just fat. I’m flabulous. 

Reminders:

You are beautiful at every size

No, really, you’re super beautiful

Look in the mirror

Do you see it? You’re AMAZING inside and out

Today is a great day to 

Breathe in, breathe out, and let it go

Make a plan

Take action

Apologize

Love those around you

Love yourself

Speed up

Slow down

Invite a friend out

Go out on a self-date

Guys, I have a Sad. This is what my fiance and I call when I go through one of my depression slumps. [This is the point where I’m going to mention that I have never officially been diagnosed as having depression, nor any other psychological/mental ailment. Mostly because I’ve never really lived in a world where I could afford seeing a doctor for something that isn’t physically hurting.]

When I get like this I lose feeling. This all encompassing numbness sucks, but having dealt with it since I was a wee youngin’, I know that it’s not forever and eventually passes. [One of the reasons I have not saved up to see a doctor is this realization. I solemnly swear that if I ever get to the point where I think it will never go away I will seek help immediately.]  But in the meantime, it’s butts to deal with. I mean, I feel bad for complaining because it could be so much worse, but at the same time I’m entitled to my feelings, or lack there of. 

I get this weird melancholic numbness every year about this time because May 11 was my Grandfather’s birthday. 5-11-41. I’m both ashamed and amused to say that the reason I can remember it so well was that was his code for anything. If he forgot his password to something I could instantly try his birthday in some format and it probably would have worked. During his last few years he tried to be “hip to the jive” with us young folk. He got a desktop and not one, not two, but three cellphones for some reason. He barely knew how to operate them, but he had them and that’s what counts. 

While I’ve always had sporatic Sads, nothing activated it so thoroughly as his passing. Once he died my Sads have split into different personalities, so to speak. Having a Sad regularly is just numb but now I have a secondary Sad, something my Mom and I term a “Grandpa Moment”. It’s a deep, dark feeling of sadness, the kind that makes you cry out in anguish with loud moans of despair. It starts simple enough -- one thought leads to another, and eventually something comes along that reminds me of him, or perhaps I hear a voice with a similar lilt, or see an old man with a passing resemblance. The next thing you know, all  can think of is how much I miss him. 

It’s been over 4 years since we lost him, and it has gotten easier as the grief softens and you get used to your new normal. You begin to forget things. This year, his birthday almost slipped by unnoticed. Almost. Fate intervened. A friend gave me a whole pie from his work out of the blue. This morning I had a slice with ice cream for breakfast (because I’m an adult now and it’s my turn to decide what that means) and the flood gates released. My grandpa loved pie, and we would often share a slice of pie and ice cream for breakfast. It was one of the few treats he would give, being the mature man he was. But I digress -- My whole point of this writing was to talk about grief and depression and how they co-habitate and how we can deal with them, and live with them... At least that was the idea when I sat down to type this out. 

Maybe I just wanted to admit that I’m sad and I’m grieving. And that it’s okay for me to do so. 

Maybe I just miss my grandpa and wanted to share his memory -- because if I don’t, who else will? 

This is some heavy stuff, and it can be hard to deal with. I’m lucky to have a pretty strong support system, and I have a whole bunch of people I could turn to for emotional support if and when I need it. I’ve also learned how to cope with my feelings during the times that they’re the strongest. 

Here are my recommendations for when you have a Sad:

Read a book. Reading was my escape mechanism when my Sads were at there worst, when I had no friends and nobody to turn to, my books were always there for me. It can be super cathartic to space out and just drop yourself into this literary world.

Spa day. This doesn’t have to cost a bunch of money. If you can afford it, hit up a spa and get yourself a massage. I was given my first professional massage as a Bridesmaid gift right in the middle of a pretty bad depression spike, but that massage relaxed me so much all my troubles melted away for a few days (and just a few days can be a great reprieve if you’re going through a lengthy Sad) If you can’t, the most relaxing part of the massage was the mood set in the room. Put on your favourite YouTube relaxation music (I prefer ocean and rain sounds personally), dim the lights, and light some aromatherapy candles (such as lavender). Maybe take a hot bath, if you have a laptop you can set down somewhere to play the music. Just take a deep breath, let it all in, and relax. Focus on the music, close your eyes, and drift. 

Talk or Write about your experience. This blog is my means of this, and it’s helped so much. Even though I know it’s not being read by a million people, and even though no one is talking back, it helps to get it down in writing. Don’t want to blast your personal feelings to the world? Find someone you can talk to one-on-one. A friend, a colleague.... me. I’ll listen. You can contact me through my inbox if you don’t mind being published, and if you want to keep it private you can email me here and I’ll respond within a few days (barring life events).

Arts and Crafts. I can zone out and leave my issues behind when I’m working on a project. I like to make comic paper flowers because it’s an activity that doesn’t take too much brainpower, but also distracts me from the Sad. 

And don’t forget that if you’ve fallen down the rabbit hole and feel like you’ll never get back up... there are places that will help you. Here are some other links that have helped me and countless others when they’re in a bad place: 

learnhowtoadult‘s video - What if Depression Followed you Online

Emotional Baggage Check - Leave what’s bugging you anonymously to get it off your shoulders, or read what other people are going through. 

When was the last time you congratulated yourself on a job well done? I feel like we’ve been trained to not believe we deserve kudos unless we make some big, unmistakable change in our lives. Did you take the stairs today? Go to bed an hour earlier than usual? Eat at home instead of going out? Good job. I’m proud of you. Truly. Yes, it is a small gesture -- but if you keep walking those stairs, going to bed earlier, eating the food you bought at home, it will become a good habit. And isn’t starting a healthy habit an amazing achievement? It only takes once to get the gears turning, and the next thing you know you don’t know how you lived before getting that extra hour of sleep or eating the food you prepared yourself. 

A habit I’m going to congratulate myself on is this: I started running about a month ago. Now, for some background information, I am a 5′5″ 295lb lady. I am a round little butterball of awesome. I am great at cooking and gaming. Not so great at that whole being fast thing. I was never much of a runner, not in elementary school, not in middle school or high school let alone now, at the age of 25. 

The fact that I started running is a fluke. Drunk!me made a deal with some of my closest friends that I would run a 5k with them by the end of this year. Sober!me is keeping that promise. Sober!me is also not the type to half-ass something,  so when I say I’m running a 5k I don’t mean what High School!me would have done and just mosey-walk the whole thing. I want to run it. If not the whole thing, most of it. My goal is to be able to finish the course in 30 minutes. At first it was a pipe dream. I never thought I’d be able to do it. I went for a walk to get used to being outside. I slowly started walking more and more. Then I bought the Zombies, Run app, and started running. It still seemed impossible,until I looked at my time for tonight’s run. In the 4 weeks I’ve been training I’ve gone from 21 minutes/km to 11/km. That’s a 10 min/km difference. All because those little bits add up to bigger successes. 

Motivation. What a thorn in our collective sides, right? You pick something to do and for whatever reason... you don’t do. You do the opposite of do, you don’t and then you get absolutely nowhere and you just blankly stare at the thing and nothing changed because you still haven’t gotten up, you still haven’t started, and eventually it all snowballs. 

So you ignore it. You give up. You think about it from time to time, shaking your head in disgust at yourself because you couldn’t do something as simple as start the thing you wanted to do in the first place -- if you would have started it when you originally wanted to, you’d have been done with it by now! The snowball keeps rolling. The frustration and anxiety gets worse. How can you even think about starting it now, because all of a sudden it’s not so simple. You’ve made a metaphorical mountain out of a metaphorical molehill (unless you really are dealing with a molehill, in which case I am sorry for your yard). 

Breathe, friend. 

I have been down this terrible path before, and I’m sure I’ll go down it again. In fact, I’m facing similar thoughts when it came to making this blog. I really wanted to create a blog where I could share my knowledge, and learn more from those around me and generally have a safe space for everyone on their life journey of becoming a better person. It took forever for me to just stop thinking and start doing. I’m still trying to just keep doing. Let me try to help you do the same: Do. 

So you want to do a thing. 

Well that’s the first step. Saying “Hey, I want to organize my room” or “I think it’s time for me to clean the kitchen” is a great way to start. Recognize what it is you want to accomplish in your end game. 

However, don’t get overzealous. “I want to organize my room” can become a daunting task if you try to do it all at once. A good tip is to make it a project -- trying to finish it all in one go is a good way to get burnt out before you even start! Instead make a list and check it off as you go. 

Example:

Make the bed

Clear off bookshelves

File away desk papers

Dust the corners

Fold the laundry

Vacuum the floor

A list like this seems a lot more manageable mentally than just saying “Organize the room” and as you check things off you’ll feel accomplished, which helps your motivation to continue on your project. 

Be proud of any bit you get done. Managed to clean off one of your shelves? Good job, you! You’re that much closer to finishing that task! Which means you’re practically almost done with your project! It can be really motivating to feel like you’re getting closer to your end goal. 

Sometimes we all need a little push in the right direction and maybe even a little company. Invite a friend over and tell them what your goal is. They can help by giving you a hand and maybe assist by directing you where to go. Surrounding ourselves with people who have a good directional skill can help lead the effort. 

Putting on entertainment as background noise can also help. I personally like to listen to one of the Crash Course series (Right now I’m on Anatomy and Physiology) or to Mental Floss videos while I work because it gives my brain something other than the ever increasing list of to-dos I face to think about. It’s hard to stress about stuff I don’t think I’ll ever be able to get done when I’m too busy listening to videos and then... what do you know, I’ve completed half my to do list without freaking out about how much I had to do!

It can can be hard to just motivate yourself to get out of bed, let alone take on any other sort of project aside from the act of being alive. Just know that you deserve a gold star for waking up, double gold stars for getting out of bed and triple gold stars for even glancing out the window. Some days are better than others, but no matter what it is you want to accomplish... you can do it. I know you can. 

For other great resources to help with your motivation, check out the following links:

How to Adult -- Procrastination/Getting Things Done

Lifehack - Ways to deal with Motivation Loss