I Am Heaven Sent

I been putting this off way to long but I wanted one posted I can go back to and remind myself what I have survived and how I am strong in the end.

Year I am pretty sure I started off alone, for a man that had what he thought was a GF/partner he been supporting her and her home business. Pretty sure you were off watching the fire works with your art friends and came home much later that night. I knew something was off to start. Then jump to April, my dog that I had since before the start of our 8+ year relationship. Got very sick and was in and out of the vet. I did put myself into a finical hardship trying to get him better. That Friday before April 20th, I got that call from my partner at the time telling me Neo blind and was crying. That was the hardest drive home and I know we got in a fight trying to take him to vet. I am sorry for how I acted it was right for me to yell I was frustrated. Then that when took him to emergency vet and they told us they think it was tumor. No one wants to ever make the call about having to put down there dog. I know they said there was option of surgery and that is what you wanted but finical I had to do what was best. That day I lost a big part of me and I don't think I will truly heal. Yes I am glad to have had you there and yes you did help out some with the vet bills.

Yes I will even admit you came through with giving me cash towards gas bill to get it turn back out because I was that behind on things. But also I was paying mortgage, utilities, Car insurance(" Which you kind of paid what you could but that month I paid the majority to keep it active") Your home business took up 2 rooms and I later to come to find out you used a lot of utilities. I know I tried many ways to have you pay your fair share of the bills, but it was a struggle. Yes during this time I did push for you to start helping out more then just the "supplies" for the house.

So then lets move to June my birthday month. You leave your phone playing some stupid tick tok video on repeat and I got to turn it off and of course cant help but wonder and find you been talking inappropriate with your X. Which thinking back of that time you even asked me what I found, I should of know there was probably worse :/ Which you then slept on the couch that night, couldn't even talk to me about it.

Then next day we broke up because I was too emotional over Neo break up? What because I wanted to be held and be able to cry? I should of told you to work on moving out that day. But you told me you still "loved me" and that there was a future. Then just the next fucking month, July. First it was this guy was helping you with the tent I bought you and fixing it and it was just a date to say thank you. Then he had to come over again because wrong part!? And you showed him the basement you had him in my fucking house while I was at work. Then 3rd worst day of the month I came home and you just told me it was an art friend and I was being over protective. Why did you have to hide the pictures of me in the basement? Why did you move one of my cameras? Then you waited I think 3 days on my way to the office to call and tell me that he was just a gay friend? Which we know is a lie.. Then that awkward fucking "date" you went on with him to shakespeare in the park. You and him said it was just for that art studio you volunteer your time at. You packed a lil snacks and what not for him and you had him in the house again. Yes I did wait at the front steps of my house and yes I still do think I saw you and him kiss that night. Honestly I should of made a bigger scene of it, but your not worth the energy and I was exhausted.

Fuck I don't want to look at that specific day, Then shortly after you called and asked if you could have him over. I trying to still be an adult and was like agreeing if I could hang out and be part of this session. Then when you admitted you wanted a private hang out with him!? Which of course ended with us just fighting you storming out.

Then you called later to see if I changed my mind and that you still wanted him over. Who the fuck does that to someone that was there partner someone that they still fucking shared a bed with? I honestly am made that I had a panic attack that night. Why did I let myself love you that much, when clearly you had 0 fucks about me. You never answered my calls and yes you "said" you were at your lady friends house but we both know the truth was you were at his house. I come to learn of that silly incense like smell that he and you had that morning of the next day you came home. How could you come home to the bedroom of the man you share a bed with and look him in the eyes after all that and expect me to want to share a bed or even share future with a women like that? I knew that day that I was having you move out, honestly I should of just packed your shit and changed the locks that day and let you try and take me to court. But honestly I scene how crazy you get and I just didn't need all that drama. Also what about that stupid fucking conversation you tried to have saying how you felt like you could have him over and be alone since we are not dating anymore and just living together. lol, roommates pay there share of the fucking bills. I did say that much nicer and reminder her that she was sharing a bed with me.

You said how you wanted to know how much to rent out my apartment in the basement, too little to late to start helping out with bills.... So I did my deep dive and look into the legal laws and best way to approach this, I reached out my family for support. August 1st the day I started taking back my life. I gave you those papers 90 days with a bunch of rules and yes we did adjust them but the main things was you lived in the apartment but you didn't have right to just have guest over. that this was for a transition phase so she could move out.

Yes I even went and tried seeking legal help but the free support is super hard to do and after wasting 2 days of PTO. I gave up. Luckily you did agree to move out at that point and to most of the terms. We adjust as time went and that was a rough 90 days no man wants to have to do that to who they once thought they could marry? Sad truth is I come to realize that most of the good in the relationship was in my mind.

During those 90 days you did his wash at my house. Omg lets talk about those stupid fucking mornings were you would have to knock on my bedroom door at like 3AM I think was the time because we didn't share a bed at this point and you would be wearing lil booty shorts and dressed up and sprayed with perfume and make some dumb fucking excuse "OoO can I let the dog sleep with you I have to go to lady friends house she dealing with her crazy X again" Fucking lies, like just be honest your going to his house. and you could of just texted and left the dog out. Sadly she didn't sleep with me poor dog spent most her nights waiting for my X. Luckly my mom came that last week of August/ start of October and was there. OMG you were at the house till October 1st like 4AM or something crazy.

Part of me died that day too, and luckily I had my mom around for a bit to distract me but the rest of that month was hard.

I be honestly I been kind of all over with my feelings and emotions. I spent time thinking about it.

One day I will love again, I will not let this chapter of my life completely close me out. I am spending some time learning to love myself and find out what it is in life I want out of it. I also know that I do one day want to marry the right women and build a future but the key is finding the right one!? :)

One that we have dinner and just talk together no screens just human talking. One that have weekly showers together time for us to be completely open with each other. Someone I can look forward to coming home and being able to cuddle and watch movies with. Someone that okay with being held or touch, something about the touch of the right women that just is the most calming feeling, better then any drug........ I spent ALOT of time over thinking everything about and my X. I have come to realize that I lost myself trying so hard to make my X fight into my future but she never was about that life style and I should of saw the signs long ago. Communication and being honest, is the best. I often just let me feelings be set assigned or felt like she would fight about it? I honestly think she was tap out of it long time ago but like the fact I paid/ "took care" of her.

Just makes me feel used, like the shit you put my through. Really sad truth was the relationship in my mind was better then the way you treated me and I come to realize I deserver and want better for my future!

I am going to take time to find myself and catch up on movies and video games. Arc raiders has really taken over my life though! :)