Proud Parent Of 2 Cats, 4 Mugs, & Too Many Problem

I’m calling this segment

But I feel like people often gloss over how… quietly traumatising it is to grow up being told that there is only one way to be happy— and that everybody who doesn't conform to that norm is secretly miserable and just doesn't know it— and then to gradually realise that, for reasons that you cannot help, that is never going to happen for you.

You're not going to find a prince/princess and ride off into the sunset. Or if you do, then it's not going to look exactly the way it does in fairytales. You're not going to get a 'normal' relationship, because you are not 'normal', and everybody and everything around you keeps telling you that that's bad.

You see films where characters are presented as being financially stable, genuinely passionate about their work and surrounded by friends and family, but then spend the rest of the plot realising that the real thing they needed was a (romantic and sexual) partner, to make them 'complete'.

You absorb the idea that any relationships you have with allo people will ultimately be unfulfilling on their side, and that this will be your fault (even if you discussed things with your partner beforehand and they decided that they were a-okay with having those sorts of boundaries in a relationship) unless you deliberately force yourself into situations that you aren't comfortable with, so as to make uo for your 'defects'.

You grow up feeling lowkey gaslighted because all the adults in your life (even in LGBT+ spaces. In fact especially in LGBT+ spaces) are insisting that it's totally normal to not be attracted to anybody at your age, and then you go to school and everybody keeps pressuring you to name somebody you're attracted to because they can't imagine not being attracted to anybody at your age.

And then you get older and realise that one day you're going to be expected to leave home, and that one day all your friends are going to be expected to put aside other relationships and 'settle down' with a primary partner and you don't know what you're going to do after that because you straight up don't have a roadmap for what a 'happy ending' looks like for someone like you.

(And the LGBT+ community is little help, because so many people in there are more than happy to tell you that you're not oppressed at all. That you're like this because you don't want to have sex, and/or you don't want to have any relationships, that your orientation is some sort of choice you made— like not eating bananas— rather than an intrinsic part of you that a lot of us have at some point tried to wish away.)

Even if you're grey or demi, and do experience those feelings, you still have to deal with the fact that you're not experiencing them the 'normal' way and that that's going to effect your relationships and your ability to find one in the first place.

If you're aiming for lifelong singlehood (which is valid af) or looking for a qpp, then you're going to have to spend the rest of your life either letting people make wrong assumptions about your situation (at best that your relationship is of a different nature than it actually is, at worst that the life you've chosen is really just a consolation prize because you 'failed' at finding a romantic/sexual partner) or pulling out a powerpoint and several webpages every time you want to explain it.

This what being aspec looks like for most people, and it is constantly minimised as being unimportant and not worth fighting against— even in aspec spaces— because we've all on some level absorbed the idea that oppression is only worth fighting against if it's big, and dramatic, and immediately obvious. That all the little incidents of suffering that we experience on a daily basis are not enough to be worth bothering about.

I mean, who gives a shit if you feel broken, inherently toxic as a partner, and like you're going to be denied happiness because of your orientation? Shouldn't we all just shut up and thank our lucky stars we don't have to deal with all the stuff some of the other letters in the acronym have to put up with (leaving aside the fact that there are many aspec people who identify with more than one letter)?

So you know what? If you're aspec and you relate to anything I've said above (or can think of other things relating your your aspec-ness that I haven't mentioned) then this is me telling you now that it's enough. Even if we got rid of all the big stuff (which we're unlikely to do any time soon because— Shock! Horror!— the big stuff is actually connected to all the small stuff) we would still be unable to consider our fight 'over' because what you are experiencing is not 'basically okay' and something we should just be expected to 'put up with'.

The Bone People by Keri Hulme (Adult, Asexual Rep)

Perfect Rhythm by Jae (Adult, Asexual Rep)

Let’s Talk About Love by Claire Kann (YA, Asexual Rep)

Radio Silence by Alice Oseman (YA, Demisexual Rep)

Loveless by Alice Oseman (YA Asexual Rep, Aromantic Rep)

Before I Let Go by Marieke Nijikamp (YA, Asexual Rep)

Summer Bird Blue by Akemi Dawn Bowman (YA, Asexual Rep, Aromantic Rep)

This Song is (Not) For You by Laura Nowlin (YA, Asexual Rep)

Belly Up by Eva Darrows (YA, Demisexual Rep, Grey-Ace Rep)

Rick by Alex Gino (Middle Grade, Asexual Rep)

this is meant to be a comprehensive list (to the best of my limited abilities) of aro-spectrum and ace-spectrum identities. all the posts I saw had like 3 choices or a hundred, and I wanted something that was accurate and had a lot of research behind it…so I made it myself. I wrote the definitions, based on preexisting ones, for additional clarity and context.

anyone a-spec, questioning, or simply wanting to know more about our community is free & encouraged to reblog!

*”romantic/sexual” is in the definitions because the labels apply to both spectrums unless -romantic or -sexual is in the name

Asexual : not feeling sexual attraction to any gender(s)

Things that are completely separate from being asexual (but can be related): libido, sex drive, being a virgin, having/had sex, being sex positive/neutral/repulsed, and platonic, romantic, & familial love

Apothisexual : asexual that is sex repulsed

Aromantic : not feeling romantic attraction to any gender(s)

Things that are completely separate from being aromantic (but can be related): shipping, fantasizing about relationships and love, wanting a close relationship, been/being in relationships, being romance positive/neutral/repulsed, and platonic, sexual, & familial love

Apothiromantic : aromantic that is romance repulsed

Apath- : romance/sex neutral, regardless of orientation or attraction felt

Cupio- : not feeling romantic/sexual attraction but still desiring a relationship of that nature

Gray- : feeling romantic/sexual attraction weakly, rarely, only under certain conditions, or all of those. also an umbrella term for between allo and asexual/aromantic. may or may not desire a relationship.

Demi- : feeling romantic/sexual attraction only after an emotional bond is formed. the bond strength and time before attraction can vary between the demi person and the person they’re attracted to.

-Flux : (aroflux or aceflux) their orientation fluctuates, but always stays on the aromantic/asexual spectrum

Lithro-/Akoi-/Akoine-/Apo- : feels romantic/sexual attraction and enjoys relationships in theory, but don’t need/want those feelings reciprocated or to be in a relationship. (there are several labels because the original, from litho, is argued to be appropriated from lesbian butch culture, so wouldn’t recommend using it.)

Recipro- : feeling romantic/sexual attraction only to people who feel it for them, they reciprocate the type of the attraction

Fray- : feeling romantic/sexual attraction when less familiar with a person, but it fades as they get to know them better (sometimes described as the opposite of demi)

Aego- : enjoys the idea of romance/sex, but doesn’t wish to participate in it or related activities (based off autochoris- : a disconnection between the person and a romantic/sexual target or fantasy)

Quoi/WTF- : feeling unsure if romantic/sexual attraction is being felt and/or if they experience it. feeling as if the concept of that type of attraction is inaccessible, inapplicable, and/or nonsensical. (Another commonly used definition that isn’t correct is for the term below, so use that instead.)

Platoniromantic : feels no distinction between platonic and romantic attraction

Idemromantic : feels romantic and platonic attraction similarly so they are not particularly distinguishable from each other. categorizes platonic and romantic relationships based on external factors such as age, compatibility, closeness, etc. they mean different things and can be categorized, but feel the same.

Requies- : little to no romantic/sexual attraction due to trauma, possibly caused by bad past experiences with the type of attraction, or mental/emotional exhaustion

Caed- : used to feel romantic/sexual attraction, but doesn’t anymore due to trauma

Apres- : feels romantic/sexual attraction after another form of attraction is felt, and the original may or may not fade/be replaced by the new attraction

-Vague : (arovague or acevague) their a-spec status is uncertain or affected by mood

Burst- : romantic/sexual attraction comes and goes, may or may not have a reason

Nebularomantic : difficult or impossible to tell romantic and platonic attraction apart because of their neurodivergency or they’re platoniromantic

Novi- : feels complicated romantic/sexual attraction so it can’t be described in a single label

Quasiromantic : “someone who identifies as quasiromantic may see their attraction as non-traditional or may feel it differs from crushes, perhaps a mix between platonic, romantic, aesthetic, or somewhere completely different and/or it involves other non-traditional aspects, such as rare attraction, or attraction but non-physical, non-platonic but romantic, etc.” -general def

Vocab

S.A.M : split attraction model. most used in the a-spec community, it means that romantic and sexual orientations are different and separate. for example, someone could be homoromantic asexual, or aromantic bisexual. in the case of someone who is, for example, panromantic and pansexual, they can just state their orientation as pansexual, as there is no need for the SAM. however, it’s totally optional! if you feel, for example, asexual is your orientation and doesn’t need other labels, that’s fine!

Q.P.R. : queerplatonic (or quasiplatonic if the participants are not LGBT+) relationship. this is a type of relationship created by aro people for aro people, but anyone of any sexuality can be in one if they wish! it is defined as “a relationship that is not romantic but involves a close emotional connection beyond what most people consider friendship. The commitment level in a queerplatonic relationship is often considered to be similar to that of a romantic relationship. It may include any romantic or sexual elements the people in the relationship feel they want, or none at all.” -Aven Wiki

Peach Fuzz : qpr partners (known as zucchinis) pretending their relationship is romantic to avoid questions and explanations

Positive/Neutral/Repulsed : labels used to describe how someone feels about sex or romance in relation to them. positive: willing to be in that kind of relationship and/or do related things; neutral: indifferent, almost apathetic to the idea of sex/romance, doesn’t care too much if they give and/or receive it; negative/repulsed: actively disgusted by the idea of sex/romance. can also describe a person’s attitude about sex in general (not used in this post).

Amatonormativity : society treating romantic relationships as more valuable/better than non-romantic ones, and generally that a romantic and sexual relationship is the end goal and necessary (it’s really not)

Nonamory : doesn’t want to be in a romantic relationship, regardless of orientation

Aromate : a platonic soulmate, aka an aromantic partner

Lush : sensual attraction crush

Plush : queerplatonic crush

Smush : sexual attraction crush (can be considered lust if applicable)

Swish : aesthetic attraction crush

Squish : platonic attraction crush, usually more intense than “want to be friends”

Soft Romo : subdued romantic attraction

Post Rubor : gets quick crushes (of any type of attraction), but once the initial excitement fades, their feelings do too

Aplatonic : as platonic attraction is on a spectrum just like every other type of attraction, this is being on the lack-of end. not experiencing platonic attraction

Placio- : little/no desire to receive sexual/romantic acts, but wants to perform them on someone else. not specifically an a-spec term but is used more in the community

Alterous : attraction that isn’t completely platonic or romantic, somewhere in between, but still a desire for emotional closeness. used as -alterous, like -sexual or -romantic. can also experience romantic and/or platonic attraction, but feel some level of discomfort by categorizing it as fitting in those labels.

*remember, even for people who use the same label, it’s different for everyone, as are most things here! if you’re questioning and looking at this list to try and see where you fit, there’s no rush. take it slow and think about it.

Me, an asexual: