(ﾒ` ﾛ ´)︻デ═一 CUTE HURTS!

MY TWO WISHES:

I'm so bad at keeping in touch with people - I am sometimes one of those people who is always on their phone but doesnt reply. I get frustrated because I used to reply to things so fast as a teenager, so many people. I don't understand why it's such a painful task. But i think sometimes I just dont remember how humiliated I always felt when my attempts to reach out failed. Like at a basic level I forget social media is for socializing because both my posts and comments on other people's posts dont get interaction and never have. And with people I know irl - I remember switching schools my sophomore year of HS and thinking 'wow my friends dont message me if I don't message them' so i just stopped messaging first which lead to me basically not talking to them anymore because they never reached out lol. and I think from that year on it's always been incredibly difficult to reply to people (even tho it was like 12 years ago!!!!). The only people I really talked to consistently since are people that wanted to sleep with me - since nobody else really ever expressed interest in me or spending time with me outside of that. I think part of the reason I've endured so much sexual trauma is due to my desperate attempts to convince myself that others genuinely want to spend time with me instead of it all being a means of getting to my naked body. And so that makes it all difficult, too. My only other experience actually getting to talk to people online is joining some kind of community or forum (I never really had discord. It intimidates me). I was vaguely involved in a few communities via tumblr and forums but I never really found any real connections or felt a part of something. It was all pretty short lived and meaningless in the long run.