ジュリエン

i am no god. just a human being

isn’t that the reason humans created their own gods? to seek apology from a higher being without taking accountability of their actions.

i don’t believe that forgiveness will set you free nor it makes you a bad person not to forgive someone.

it’s already not fair that you have to deal with your broken parts that you didn’t break yourself, but torn apart by other people.

i couldn’t find the reason

can i ask you a question?

why is my mind out of my possession

am i punished for my own transgressions

can someone just give me an answer

the trees i’ve tend to and watered

leaves falling down, withered

the water is pouring mercilessly

i thought i have outran the storm for years

but the gray skies has caught up to me

as i go through with my life i can't help but find it so funny that i feel so cursed. like i'm the only cursed person in this family.

only one who have allergies, wasn't allowed to pursue what i want, trauma from parents, and the list just goes on.

i also can't help but look back on the reasons whyi feel so stuck. i wasn't allowed to pursue what i want or at least switch to anything but tech in uni. now i have to struggle working with something i don't even give a shit about. it takes up so much of my soul. my dad never allowed me to shift in uni, because he believes that tech is only the in-demand role, like there is always a sure slot for you. but it's too saturated now. and look at me, almost a year unemployed.

sometimes i can't help but think how my dad saw me. did he even look at me as a person? as his daughter? other that not allowing me to choose for myself, i was always invalidated back then. e.g during the senatorial elections, i suggested it to the family to vote for the lawyers, the candidates who i know are capable and have the credentials to serve the country, but nah i was told to vote for who they want as they will pray for that. but of course, (those shitty ones lol) i didn't listen and voted the ones i wanted. another was when i wanted to switch to iPhone, it was XR or XS season but I just wanted 6s, a friend helped me get 6s+, and he saw it as me tryna fit in with my classmates when i wanted it because i was able to compare phone qualities from my friends. aaand i was the one who paid it anw.

idk but all those years i wasn't believed nor heard. and sometimes i can't help but blame it on my dad, for the things i've been going through. and for being stuck with this unemployment that's taking a toll on my mental health.. haaays just when i feel like i was getting better..

i thought this one’s gonna be great. but was only going well until february. got the things i dreamed of. then things started going south.

i lost my job, the client did cost cutting measures, my company is shit in finding projects for me.

then we lost 5 cats, then 2 dogs.

this year isn’t even over yet, can i at least have something great before it ends?

i feel like i’m turning to a cold heartless person. i started thinking about it when out of boredom, i retook the mbti test. the first time i took in back in uni, i was an infp, when i was about to graduate i turned to an infj, then few days ago i got intj. there’s a question there that made me think about how much i’ve changed

When making decisions, you focus more on how the affected people might feel than on what is most logical or efficient.

i got a hard time answering that, and questions alike. old me would’ve selected focusing more on how the affected people might feel. but i got stuck. am i losing my heart and using my brain too much? also this made me think of seeing a shrink, i’ve been thinking of seeing one for answers if i have adhd but now i feel like there’s more to it.

also i used to give delivery riders a tip because their job is tiring, but i turned to thinking ‘that’s their job anyway, they’re getting paid anw’. and there are other scenarios where i think ‘i’m not the government, go rely on them’. now i’m getting a headache for being self aware.

i’ve been thinking about how possible it is for me to turn insane. like you know those old artists or authors who lost their shit because of thinking too much. i feel like i can go spiraling down to madness, if i rewire my brain incorrectly or if i go through another life changing events. i can’t even understand why am i so into music and arts, like i know in my soul that i can pursue that and be excellent at it given that i can focus to it and leave tech behind.

why do i have a brain like this? i wish i have someone in my life who could anchor me to reality so i don’t go spiraling down. who could remind me not to think way too complicated, not to ponder about the complex questions. i feel daunted of myself. it’s like there are a lot of possible versions of me to turn out in the future, and what if it’s the worst one? i don’t know.

i’ll try to change since i’m so aware of it, hope i can actually do it. or is my heart already lost in the process of staying alive through all of it?

exhaustion encapsulates me. i am no people pleaser but why do i have to appease you? there is peace whenever you think i’ve given enough but already have my fair share of money, of traumas, and yet i can’t get a hold of peace? what can i do when i have nothing left? screaming at my face to do something when there’s nothing i can do? when it should have been you. i am so sick of this generational bullshit i never asked to be a part of. it’s a mistake coming back to you. why do i keep coming back to people who has made me feel like shit? why am i allowing them to throw knives at me over and over? why are you like that? why are you asking me too much? for this family? when all i got was endless scratches, and bruises which i may never heal from.

what are you gonna do if your own brother is at the top of the list of people who envies you?

i’m saving up to go to japan as i will watch my favorite artist and also go to the country that is on my bucket list. two birds in one stone eh? already secured my concert &plane tix, and hotel. visa is the last thing i have to secure so i could finally be at ease about my travel. last friday, before going on a local trip at my favorite place in the country, i planned on applying for a visa, but i wasn’t able to come until their cutoff time, it was 1 hour earlier than what’s on their site. anyway i took my time to breathe as i was pissed and i don’t want that to ruin my trip. i know that a trip with my bestfriend will always be a good one, no matter how many shitty stuff occurs, we can turn the table around, so i thought of focusing in the trip first instead, eat dinner then meet up at the bus station.

while i was at the place i love, a specific spot in the city where it feels home for someone like me, where there’s beauty in chaos, i received a message from my younger brother. he told me what our older brother said about me not being able to submit my files… he said ‘what do you call that? deserve??’ and my younger brother just cursed him, idk if jokingly tho but maybe.

i always felt it in my bones tho. that he wasn’t happy about the things i am able to do. things i can do with my money. it’s not my fault that i earn more than him. idgaf on stepping out of my comfort zone, give 6 hours of my life for travel time, 2x a week in office work, as long as i am paid well and be able to live comfortably. am i at fault for still having money after giving my share at our house? dude if u want to do what i am capable of then maybe step up your game. he always thinks that it is unfair that all of his money goes to house expenses, but he’s building a motorcycle without hearing any word from me. i totally don’t care since that’s his money, he can do whatever he wants. but i couldn’t understand why is he so envious??? is he going to be satisfied if i pour all of my money at home? i stopped pushing him to work in tech (which is his degree) as he doesn’t like working outside of his comfort zone. if he has always been in tech, he would’ve been earning my more than me.

i always try and comprehend what’s wrong with me or if my actions affect others negatively. but idk what’s up with my brother. it actually hurts to know that he said that. i always tell people how responsible he is as an older brother, and always care about us and yet…. :( i really don’t know. i guess i was wrong… i’m still pretending that i didn’t know he said that. also jokes on him, why would he tell that to our younger bro when he knows that my lil pooper would tell me. or did he think he wouldn’t?

anw, it’s disappointing. i knew it, when he saw my bank account, he kept asking me to treat them, or to buy stuff for the pets etc. that was 18k and was swept just as he wanted. i am really fucking confused as hell. why would you act like that to your own blood? because i’m second born? i’m not even asking mom for anything when she goes abroad, my mom’s plan was to buy me a house but i told her to give it to the older instead since he’s spending so much for us and he might not be able to save for his own since he ain’t into taking risks, can’t even try to work in tech.

after japan, i’ll save money so i could purchase my own home or start whatever ,without them knowing and take my pets, and lil pooper if he wants to. because of course, mom is on his side, as always. first born complex perhaps?