Negation of the Negation

It's normal and good to work hard and be tired. What else is there to live for?

I'm not so old that I need to like conserve all my energy because I might die of exhaustion.

And it's honestly all people who don't do much who are critical of me. Like please consider shutting the fuck up before you judge someone for being busy and expressing that judgment to them.

I can feel my mother's stress growing in my body. The missbeating of my heart. The burning in my throat, the fluid in my lungs.

And this shit needs to stop here.

Now.

It's just weird how it's different from before.

Now I sit at my desk wanting to greedily gobble up some work tasks but I'm telling myself to relax and rest and I just... can't? I'm furiously writing and researching and I can't just like relax?

How could I, how could I, how could I

Have wasted all that, all that I have spent

When I have, when I have, when I have

Been living on a life that′s been lent

Their names coat the bathtub

Their echoes fill the drawers

I don't think there is much left for me to love anymore

How could I, how could I, how could I

You tell me

How I tell you such beautiful stories

And I want to rip apart your grin

But instead I just curl up my knuckles and wait

I′ll never have a child, no I'll never have a child

I don't trust any chin that′s been, that′s been born innocent

But if I were to, if I were to hold their hand

I'm not so sure I′d find a difference in our skin

But I am hit and burn and carve and slap and scrape

How could they know, they wouldn't know how pain can make a cave

In you

You tell me

How gentle I can be

How do I say my softness is just rage contained?

So I just smile and I thank you for the compliment

Can′t you hear them singing?

They've left this world and left behind this ringing

I block my ears, they bind my eyes

And tell me that they′re never leaving

What can I do to make you all go away?

They say you are in us as much they are in me

Bloodline, blood let, oh let me let this go and they say no

They say no

I sit you down, untie my tongue

And tell you how it feels

To be just an echo

In a cave that will never heal

You hold in your two hands

What you don't know how to say

It's alright, I didn′t expect an answer anyways

But then you

Take me to your silence

And for a moment things seem to slow

But I know

When that girl sang that evanescence song and Nathan deleted the message from his doctor about coming in for his diagnosis, that was so real

I guess I was 3O when I moved to SC.

I have to keep reminding myself that I'm not 40 yet. Even though I feel like it.

I feel more like I'm 50 to tell you the truth.

I'm not sure how I'm going to move into this new phase of my life. I need to be more relaxed and accepting. I need to stop adding more tasks into my life to create work for myself.

I'm just very afraid to be I the empty room.

The empty room is where I have to look at all the ways I hate myself and my life and I get overwhelmed and want to die.

I need to come up with a bunch of pen names to make zines under because the last zine I wrote was like.... too personal to have my name on it.

I need to come up with a bunch of pen names to make zines under because the last zine I wrote was like.... too personal to have my name on it.