foddrforfiction

striving to be that light that i want to see in the world. always soft, always optimistic, trusting, vulnerable, never jaded or cynical. sometimes i wonder why i can still psych myself to still be this but others can’t seem to reflect it back to me. maybe i feel everything too strongly.

this year is going to be good. this year is going to be good. nothing will break me or wear me down because reality is just how you perceive the world and you can make your own reality.

One day panic stricken and moping in bed all day; the next giddy with joy.

I feel all my emotions so strongly it’s worrying.

when i’ve had something to drink, i think of…

my heart is at its weakest, all i can do is spiral out

of

wishing

wanting to

be

wanted.

-

hi. how are you?

5 drinks later we’re

tucked in the corner seat of that

dimly lit bar, your hands crept

towards me, broken, bleeding

different night, different light

but for now, so warm and inviting

“how was it?”

“he was warm”

“like a mammal?”

-

“I’m kind of done with hot girl summer.”

hey, why did you find yourself staring at stars on the ceiling while lying on the floor of a strangers apartment at 3am on a wednesday night?

“I bought a house.” “Huh????? When???” “We just exercised the option today.” “Wait when did you look at the house.” “A few weeks ago.” — Okay, happy, but also sad at how we were best friends and used to share everything with each other and now updating each other on big life milestones is a delayed kind of thing 😢 But I get it, adults live very separate lives and that’s the nature of adult friendships.

7/8 of my friends own their own homes now and the last 1/8 is on her way to moving in with her partner. it’s a weird feeling for me to feel like i’m on the outside looking in and if i’m being completely honest with myself i’m deathly scared of losing my friends as they move on with adult things and adult lives. i feel like it’s already happening.

but these days i’m kind of just focusing on taking care of my mother and building a good relationship with her and absolutely willing myself to take things at my own pace (and not fall back into some crazy shit again). time spent being anxious is time wasted not enjoying the small things in life and not treasuring time with my aged parents.

I’ve been actively putting off dating. I’m not even sure what’s a good amount of time to wait before dating again. i feel like i’m waiting for some mythical level of healing before i even start. I realised i treat dating apps like a vending machine for relationships. like the moment i unpause my profile i’ll end up in some multi-month entanglement (do you like my use of this phrase) with a rando (but hey one of my friends bought a house with her rando). i guess i’ve never really had to wait that long or go through that many bad dates back then, i just kinda ended up in long relationships with the first person i met on the app and the two i’ve met turned out to be decent guys who really liked me and wanted committed relationships and i’m not so sure i’ll be that lucky three times lol. kind of cringe to think about. but as someone told me a long time ago, “you’re quite prone to doing cringe things”.

today was good. this month was good. it was heart wrenching, but i’ve also tended to relationships that i had neglected (although, on the friendship front, i still feel a bit disappointed sometimes). but after the initial days of bleakness that filled the home, it also sometimes feels like there’s a beam of light pouring out of my home that has filled my heart with what i’ve felt i missed for a long time - a sense of familial love and bonding. my mum even hugged me voluntarily at the hospital the other day. i could weep.

yeah, okay, i’m not ready to adult and move out. my people need me.

funny interaction recently:

“hey what do you think about— what are you doing why are you sitting there not moving”

“i’m practising to see if i can keep my head completely still during the surgery”