aerial

even my soft sunshine isn't bright enough to warm this disappointment blooming inside of me i am tiny twigs breaking/ snapping underneath thundering feet, there and fragile but i don't try to hide because there's nowhere to go even though i don't know where i went & i can't play this child's game anymore regression, progress, what difference does it make when your lungs can't seem to hold your voice when you've wasted it talking to people who will never tell you it will be alright for once stupid, quiet, dumb i have sorry on my mouth more than anyone i've ever known & i can't cry about it because you're watching

when he calls me remind me that his heart felt like big fists remind me that his voice pulled the trigger remind me that his hands caused a house fire inside of my body remind me that when he listened, he only heard his name remind me that his eyes were always closed when we fucked because he never wanted to look at what he had done dear god, Please make me brave, please make me brand new again

i'm the white rabbit

Now- Hair growth but a heart preserved in infancy He put me in a small jar for the night & Killed all the lights, used matches from last Christmas to ignite the puddle of oil i keep Swimming in, again & Again He reaches over me & I wonder when god will take me back I Know that little girl he wants to ruin but she holds me at night & gives me kisses that make My eyes open wide, a big kite, a mockingbird, a soft-lashed hound that picks favorites, a sun that sinks without a goodbye It swallows me & I pretend No one can touch me now, But Touching happens & it takes the stitches out There's nothing left there, I dont think, i don't know I kept you in the darkest part of me, you can Push deep & twist like you did before & then I'll take your knife & I'll show you how pretty that blade looks when I use it Only calling So i can tell you that love is always lying & I am bleeding still Daddy isn't real anymore & Mama's soul is gold like mine forever I want to play with her in a field, underneath time, snow in between white knuckles Across the bay where she knows she'll be Safe inside of me & the secrets we chose to be born with Are All There too, angel daughters with candied thoughts & Sticky fingers I wish for stars & to fall apart My sisters in my arms like wedding flowers A Beautiful & frightening blue Blooms slowly & teethes on every memory, Watches everything, angry-pure Humming hatred, impatience, The doors are blown now & Every second that passes is a girl like me Something from a dream Bright & pitted peach ripe, a violent prayer that still leaves me warm

pure like a child. all milk. blushing black and blue. growing teeth. flywheel. the crying sky that wants you back. "love you but i don't know why". my tiny runaway. holding my body by the ocean. girl who crystallizes when your eyes are on her. life despite god. birth & death. "i took too much". forgetting what lungs are meant for. cleanliness. fucking where the world can watch. no goodbye kiss. mean-nothings.

the worm in my heart, Maybe it wouldn't hurt so much if i learned how to be still again it eats and eats and Eats me, angel whore, darkest in the casket cheap company he wears a star on his shoulder & I touch it like it's really on fire I didn't mean to break you honey, but i still would if you'd let me.