CATHARSIS

we made eye contact for half a second, but you looked away. i didnt mind. i was still in awe. it was weird because both of you were wearing our school uniform.. while entering the bar. I thought the feeling was like falling again. but I differed. I and my friends partied upstairs, and you both below us. We were having fun, i actually forgot about you that time while having fun, but i got curious, wanted to talk to you. wanted find out how youve been. but only just that. I was just happy, plain happy. i got to see you again. just happy.

I opened the door to go to you, as i had my first step down, i saw you, you saw me. The bar lights were red, i searched for my next step, and as i looked up, you were nowhere to be found. Confused, i looked at elen. she didnt look so pleased. and She revealed to me, “Not now, she still has so many hurt”.

i wanted to first ask if you and ali are a thing now. beacuse i saw her playing and cuddling with your hands. but i know you will think that im still hoping. so i went for 'how are you na?' you smirked and looked away. your eyes started to show crystals. you couldnt hold it in anymore. it was where  i finally saw that you were really hurt about what happened to us. for almost half a year, all i knew is that i was nothing. that you didn t even care about me. that it was okay if i go, that you will not be hurt. but those tears that i saw, i know, i know that s true.

while your tears were falling, you asked me, 'hindi ko talaga alam kung bakit mo ako iniwan bigla...' tears burst, you were catching ur breath. naawa ako sayo non, because i though u were doing fine, and youwere handling everything well. Yet there u were, crying about me, and hurting. i pulled you closer to me, and hugged you. i wanted to answer your question but no, not this time.

it all started on a street full of bars and night clubs. i was alone wandering. you were with some other friend that time, somewhere in that place. then theres this close friend of yours, which i chose to blind myself that she really was. she was alone. i was alone too. i looked at her and she looked at me too. i came up to her and asked to hang with me in a bar. she decided to come with me. i smiled at her, she smiled at me too. then there, we spent a short time inside a bar, we didnt drink any. we left after a while. when we were already outside the bar, we saw you. she saw you. and you saw her. you both were happy to see each other. you both were happy.

...we were in a dam...

the bond was okay. we were now in a mall. we were with our friends, she was there with us also. we were wandering around the place. then she kneelt down on one knee and proposed. to you. she said that she realized you were the only one who has always stayed with her, and she was happy. i was looking at you. god knows that time how i was hoping hard for you to answer no. but then, you said yes. i cannot take it. i cant breathe. i cannot take the pain. i went to a store near by, my tears falling. i went to the comfort room to let it all out, but when i opened the door, there was somebody lying on the floor. i dont know if he was dead or just sleeping. but he looked so dead to me. so i went to the staff of the store and told them that there might be a dead body inside their comfort room. they panicked and checked it immediately, only to find out the guy was just sleeping. deep.

I didnt know what to do. so i sought help from a friend. my friend thought that you were falling in love for the wrong person. that you were falling for the feeling she was giving you and not to her herself. so i did something. i wanted to get you back. i approached you. sweet talked you. until i held your hands. the moment was great for me. suddenly, she appeared from nowhere. so we had to break away. it was always that way. whenever i go to you, whenever im starting to have a great time talking to you, she unknowingly cuts the moment off. i couldnt do anything because you guys were together.

i had enough, i confronted you. i begged you to think about what you have decided. to really think about you and her. i told you that i still love you. so bad. yes, i still love you. so fucking much. and it hurt, it fucking hurt whenever you were with her. it killed me that you were happy with her. it left me dead that i was not the one anymore. i tried so hard to convience you that you shouldve been with me, so hard that it left me in tears. but all i could see was you, and your not so serious face. you just laughed at me when you saw me crying. i dont get it. you even shouted and tried to get everyones attention just to broadcast that im crying. i dont get it. why? you were just laughing. you seemed like you didnt even care. "i'll think about it", the last phrase i remembered you said. you smiled and giggled, as you turned away from me, like all i said was a joke.

thats where it hit me. you were finally happy. you were decided. i was too late. i cant do anything anymore. i cant, and its so painful to face that i cant have you anymore. no chance. not even a little. i cant stand it, it felt like that world was going to collapse on me.

the pain was so strong that it clung to reality. i had to take deep breaths when i woke up. i had to tell myself that it was just a dream. it was just a dream. just a dream.

sabay ang higpit ng hawak mo sakin, sa kamay ko. natuwa ako kasi hindi mo naman ako ginaganon pero kasi naisip ko, ayaw mo na ‘sakanya’ dahil sa nalaman mo, so pumupunta ka sakin, kasi ako nalang yung meron ka. ampangit din kasi non in some way. tas binibigay mo na sakin yung phone mo. pinapahawak mo na sakin. hindi mo naman yon ginagawa'

ataw mo na, kahit may pinagdadaanan sya sabi mo, ataw mona, sobra na, tatanggalin mo na lahat ng bagay nya sa baahy nyo.

OMG MAYKINISS ‘SYA’, NATANDAAN KO NA. NAKITA NATIN ‘SYA’ TAS NAKITA KO NAMAY KINISS SYA SABI KO, OMG NAKITA MO YON? SABI MO HINDI. TAS SABI KO MAY KINISS ‘SYA’. SABI MO, SINO? YUNG GIRL, SABI KO. TAS KISS TALAGA SA LIPS. TAS BIGLA KANG LUMUHA NA. NASAKTAN KA. ALAM KO NASAKTAN KANON. KITANG KITA SA MUKHA MO. TAS TUMAKBO TAYO, HAWAK MO AKO. SABI MO AYAW MO NA ‘SAKANYA’. TAS PINUNTA MO AKO SA MOA EYE, HINDI KO ALAM KUNG PARA HALIKAN AKO AT MAKAGANTI SAKANYA O PARA MAKALAYO, EWAN KO. PERO NAFEEL KO NAGAMIT LANG AKO. WALA NA KASI ‘SYA’, KAYA PARANG AKO KAPALIT NYA. RESERBA MO ATA AKO NON EH.

They were on my other bed, and you were alone in my bed. While entertaining other guests, I cant bare to look at you alone, and sad at the side. I left whatever I was doing and went to you. I laid next to you as i heard my friends whispering things. But I dont care. I dont care anymore. I dont care whatever they want to think or say. I then cuddled you. As we lay next to each other, you murmurred something. "Im sorry." You were starting to tear, " I'm sorry, they see you differently now, because of me. Im sorry..." I comforted you as you eyes pour tears. "Its okay.", I said. "It's okay, I dont care. I dont care what the hell they think. I love you."

1 See that little spoon? Probably the happiest moment with you. See that little spoon? I didn’t know i could sneak that out of the restaurant for you until i did. It was a good rush. I’m still thankful that you stayed the night. I love you. 2 I should’ve held your hand. It was all unexpected. I’m still thankful you went with me, given the short notice. Finally, you met some of my friends. While we were watching the lights together, oh gosh, i think that was my first ever regret in love. I should’ve held your hand. I know I should’ve. It felt so right. How I wish i can do it again. Someday, next time. I’ll do it right. I love you. 3 I should’ve kissed you goodnight. If you’re wondering, that was my view when you had your first sleepover in my house with our other friends. I slept on the floor and we stayed up until 4 am just throwing a blanket at each other. Sorry, i just dont want you to be cold. We were just so silly that night. I should’ve kissed you goodnight when i had the chance. Now every time I’m awake at 4 am, I can’t help but think of you. I love you. 4 I didn’t gave it to you because you said it does not look like it. I told you i can do it! Well, almost. Doesn’t it look like a full moon? I think so haha. I didn’t gave it to you because you said it does not look like it. It’s still here with me though. But hey, I tried okay? Lol. I love you still. 5 You’re always on my thoughts and i couldn’t help but think of what you said. I remember you always wanted to see ‘why’ vadals on the streets. You’re always on my thoughts and i couldn’t help but think of what you said. So, i drew one on my notebook. Nothing much. I just thought you liked it. I know it’s not perfect but i tried. For you. I love you. 6 I doesn’t hurt now but still saddens me. Ah. That picture. It doesnt hurt now but still saddens me. I miss you so much that day. I couldn’t get enough of you. I wanted to surprise you outside your classroom but i didnt know where it was. And so I asked your friend. She gave me the room and so i went. Only to find out that it was an office and not a classroom. Soon enough you and your friend told me that there’s no professor and you left. I was just standing there, looking stupid with something prepared for you. Nevertheless, I love you still. Really. 7 I got you on every sign in and sign out. We were so bored that time. We were just killing time. I think i’ve already perfected your signature. How I wish i could say i got you on every sign in and sign out, but i guess i can’t now. That makes me miss you even more, every single day that passes. Never forget that I love you. 8 The letters and unsaid things. If only you knew how i managed the happiness, the pain and everything in between. It’s all in here. It goes all in here. These are my letters and unsaid things about you. Whenever my mind wanders, it always go to you. I’ve always wanted to write when I’m alone. But then, maybe I shouldn’t be left alone. My mind is a very tricky thing, you know. But but but, all in here really doesn’t matter because I love you still. 9 Let’s collect more. You never recieved this letter, if you are wondering. I wrote it in the library when I was with my favorite couple. I was suppose to give it to you, along with the ticket from the movie we watched, but you entered and nearly saw the letter i was making. So, i just gave you the ticket without the letter. I remember you were rushing with your friends. I didnt even had the chance to talk to you that time. I just said take care and i love you, in my mind. Let’s collect more and let me say it to you well the words, take care and I love you. 10 “This is not the right time to answer you.” Of course, you didn’t think I would come and ask you to be my girlfriend unprepared, right? Haha. I kind of felt rejected at some point but to be honest, in the long run, I’m thankful that you gave me that answer. Maybe it’s for the better. You made me realize that maybe I was going too fast. Maybe I, too, was not ready yet. Maybe I was just scared of losing you to another person. Maybe I was just asking in the spur of the moment. In time, I will ask you again. Yet, maybe our love doesnt require any labels. As long as we continue to give our pure and whole love and trust to each other and no one else, that we never stop to understand and make things work, it is more than a label. it is more than to be called as a couple. We have us. You will constantly have me, only me, as i hoped i will to you. I love you and I will always love you. Always.