sideblog.

We're all well aware with how he views himself. He's posh, clean and his fashion sense is there. He understands the taste of alcohol and how cheap it is, understands on what looks good on others and what doesn't. He even knows which perfume smells dreadful and which ones do not. Despite how he holds himself, it's best to know that deep down under that façade. There isn't a single drop of love for himself and that love doesn't come to reunite itself until after the death of Cazador. When you say that you love him? It is quite shocking to him. Because what is there to love about him, why him out of all people? He views himself as nothing more but a monster. Even before his death. And you have to understand, Astarion was simply 39 when he passed. That is quite considerably young, especially for a man who hasn't earned his name yet. Love in general? Does not exist to him. It isn't a real thing. For him to say it, it's a tactic. He's told us this before, it's the only way he knows how to survive. It's the only thing he knows. But Vamp? Why are you saying that he doesn't reunite with his love for himself until after Cazador? Because now, he understands that he's free. He doesn't have to lurk around every corner to be met with the face of someone who had crushed every little thing about him. Erased such unique details about him. But it takes time. It takes time to wake up and tell yourself that you are something wonderful. It takes time to hug yourself because that self hatred stains so much more than you can understand and or realize. But when you say that you love him? In any sense from something familial or romantic, he won't ever believe it. Not yet anyhow. You either need to be patient and understand. Or you will learn to use those three little words wisely until he's truly ready.

I also would like to point out... that the bite mark on his neck is very jagged. As if this action was merciless. Despite him already at the brink of death, feeling his pulse slacken; Astarion was still in so much pain. There's a sign of struggle with how unclean the marking is.