chloe

Y’all, my dad, who’s only Star Wars knowledge comes from what’s said and done in the movies, thought that Poe and Finn were gay and in a relationship. I just had to break the news to him. He’s very confused

I wish I could say that today was better. I decided to reach out to someone. I wasn’t expecting much. Just to feel like someone legitimately cared. I wasn’t expecting much, but I wasn’t expecting to get fully ignored. I don’t know why I even bother anymore. If I stopped talking to them, fell off the face of the earth, they wouldn’t fucking notice. I’m the only one putting effort into our friendship and it makes me feel fucking worthless. I wish I could bring this up to them without feeling annoying and manipulative. But then again, would they really fucking care? Probably not. They’d probably use it as an excuse to leave my life for good. And while it might be a good thing, I’m not ready for that. I can’t handle that mentally right now. I need them in my life even if it’s hurting me. I’m so fucking tired of existing to someone only when they need something or want to use me. I’m so tired.

I feel like I have no one to turn to. Like everyone I’m “friends” with is just annoyed by me. If it weren’t for me being the one to text first or ask to make plans, I’d never hear from them, or see them. I find myself constantly ready to make time for them or drop what I’m doing to help them if they need it. But I could never count on them to do the same. I could disappear and they’d probably be better off. I only exist to them when they’re bored. And the day I decide to stop trying, to stop putting effort into our friendship is the day they leave my life. They wouldn’t even notice. I decided to reach out to one of them tonight. Because holy fuck am I struggling. I’m so tired. I’m so fucking tired of being lonely and feeling like I don’t matter. They haven’t opened my message and I know it’ll get ignored in the morning. Or I’ll be told some bs because they really don’t care. They don’t want to put up with me. I don’t matter. They say they’re there for me if I need it, but it’s really just an empty promise. Something said to be nice, but there’s a silent understanding that it’s not meant to be taken seriously. I want to matter again. I want someone to care.