NatSaysMiaow

I'm really tired of being boring.

I miss being creative. 

When I was asked "What do you want to do with your life?wheredoyouseeyourself?whatareyoudoing?whereareyougoing?" I think I used to have an answer.

Now it's: 

gowiththeflow.

I used to write 

musicpoetryscreenplays good ones

Now I have no ideas.

My songs suckMy writing sucksEverything is clicheEven this.ESPECIALLY THIS Free verse? You wanker. Too much TV Too much binary entertainmentnot enough organic movement.not enough motivation. I need to go somewhere. Make something. ANYTHING. Instead of obsessing over whether or not it's shit. 

There are too many people in the world. Just, too many. People I will never know or meet and whose existence has had no effect on me or anything really whatsoever. There really is no point worrying about competing against others, or losing friends or gaining influence.

If it's what you need, you can find people anywhere, everywhere. People who will want, need, like and love you. The idea that there are plenty more fish in the sea is an outdated cliche, given that fish are fast disappearing from the oceans (due to all the people), but there really are plenty more people out there.

Let's clear up some things first. I love writing. I did my journalism degree (somewhat misguidedly) because I love writing. And because I'm good at it, or so I'm told. I feel like an egomaniac sometimes because I love reading my own writing. I'll even go back and read emails I've sent, over and over, and think "Damn, I'm fucking good. That is some good communication right there". 

But I'm very bad at starting to write. And even worse at finishing. The product may be golden, but the process is a chore. 

Some people can write, and words flow through them like water runs off your fingertips in the shower. Effortless.

Though I feel words flow through me, my psyche puts up internal dams, stopping the flow until at some point, the dam bursts. 

But even when that point comes, I stop after every sentence. I constantly ask myself, was that the best way I could have said that? Is that sentence perfect? Hilarious? Better than someone else's sentence? Add an extra 30 seconds to one minute after each sentence for self-loathing and insecurity. Stupid, I know. This perfectionist anxiety, this constant occlusion of thoughts and ideas, makes the writing process a long and painful one for me.  

In high school, we learned about different writing 'strategies' or ways that people approach writing. I'm a bricklayer writer, which means I have to be utterly satisfied with every sentence I compose before I can move on. 

A bricklayer doesn't draft, and tries, to the detriment of their sanity, to get it perfect the first time. There is only a final draft.

There are other types of writers, water-colour writers who just vomit word to page, then clean up the mess later. Oil-painters and architects who map out a blueprint of their work and construct according to plan. 

It's a good thing I've opted for short-form writing. I've never had the will to persevere with my own writing strategy, particularly not in the long-form. I don't know if I'm actually capable of pulling off something like NaNoWriMo, or actually getting through a novel length piece of writing. 

Sometimes, I'm really not sure what I'm doing any more. I've spent most of today killing time on Twitter, consuming, not creating. Squandering great opportunities,  or rather, only taking them for the title. There's a point you get to when you have to stop keeping your options open, stop being a Jack of all trades, and master one. What's more useful? Rather what makes me happier? I'm not sure any more. I'm not sure what I want, or why I've been working towards what I have. Because my course has told me to? Because I wanted to compete with my peers. Fuck it. This year, I've been so out of character I've forgotten what my character is. I've forgotten why I wanted to do what I'm doing. I've forgotten about the arts, my first love. I've tried to be on top of it all and I've lost myself in the process.

I'm obsessed with and driven towards achievement and I don't think it matters what I achieve, as long as people tell me I'm awesome, talented, whatever. I don't know if that psychologically dependent ambition is healthy. I'm feeling pretty mentally unhealthy at the moment. I want that achievement without knowing what it is I want to achieve. I feel like getting that job will make me feel better, but then I have to do that job.

So, what I need to do is take stock, calm down. Not everything needs to happen now. I want to be a person of enough prominence, for my voice to mean something. I want to run my own thing, I want the seniority before I earn those stripes.

I've lost a lot of confidence. I don't have something to take ownership of. My ideas feel amateur, juvenile, uninspired. I don't know what I want to make. I don't want to make for the sake of it. I feel like I don't have the discipline to freelance, but I want to do my own thing.