Nathan Misery Made Me

5:54 p.m

Number 8 is mine!!!!!! I woke up this morning at 4 a.m and my first thought was, "aye, aye, aye" with the beat from Macklemore, "can't hold us," and my second thought was, "ITS PULL UP DAY!!!! AYE, AYE, AYE" lol and i decided to take my second phone to record a different angle of a few of my sets bc you should always compare apples to apples but it would be nice to see what it looks like from a different angle lol what I didnt know was my body was ready for number 8 😀

I cant help but cry happy tears. I made it. 8 perfect pull ups. Shoulder to bar. The perfect set.

I worked so hard for it, I had to notice and accept that my camera angle on the curved bar was terrible and my ego had to be decimated and I had to give up and go to chin ups while I gave myself the courage to try again on the straight bar bc that was the only way it would count to me with a fair angle. A true angle that accurately represents what I was capable of.

And then I went to work and I had days where I only accomplished maybe 2 real pull ups in total per set. I struggled to get my ears to the bar.

I had to learn how to pull. I had to accept that I was gonna be really bad at something for a long time and that was the only way I would ever be able to achieve my dreams.

Today I did one set of 8 pull ups. And this is what never quitting looks like. Now imma set my sights on number 9 and maybe one day I'll get to 12 and I can throw a dumbbell inbetween my ankles 😝

I dont be liking this angle but this is what number one looks like

5:45 p.m

I'm basically batman now. I'm hanging upside down! I started doing inverted hanging. I am the bat man. I'm a fucking bat.

I officially named sunday, front lever sunday. And I had one good sunday three weeks ago. Last week was a miss but i did one good tuck front lever out of 4 attempts.

Today I was AWESOME. I DID 3 INVERTED HANGS FOR 15 SECONDS PER SET.

AND I DID 2 BEAUTIFUL TUCK FRONT LEVERS.

Guess what???? All of sudden I am good at the tuck front lever lol

And I found the hack to advance the front lever, this inverted hanging i can use it to slowly lower from it to the advanced tuck front lever... and eventually the full front lever.... thats my plan.

I'm still trying to learn how to pull into a full front lever bc you dont see other people going from progression to progression mid hang.... you see someone pull directly into a full front lever...

So I'm trying all sorts of things.

As for the planche. I am getting better at having straight arms... but idk if i will ever be able to progress to other variations...

But its front lever Sunday and I finally feel like I'm gonna make it to the full front lever and beyond that I did a beautiful 20 second hold for the tuck front lever.

Its weird how I went from being really bad to it being unreliable to now being really good at it..

All I know is i think this inverted hanging is the key to the progression.

6:16 p.m

6:26 p.m

I just dreamt that i was apart of cecile's family. That i moved back in. That we had family events and holidays together. It makes me sad thinking, if I could have held it together back then my whole life would be different.

I enjoyed the car rides with her dad. I enjoyed talking with her mom. I enjoyed watching movies with her brother. I enjoyed spending time with her

9:13 a.m

5:15 p.m

My dad doesnt want me to call. Or he wants me to call less. Its pretty depressing. I guess I wont call anymore but he told me directly and told lori to tell me. So I guess i did what I could.

Its pretty sad bc i just want to be there for him. The conversations dont have to be complicated or long.

But I guess he is becoming more himself bc he obviously remembered i am his least favorite child. I am hands down his least favorite child.... no questions asked. No contest.

I am the only one he prob wishes he never had.

I know he isnt 100% himself but tbh him rejecting me its like yea you remember, you don't want me.

And then I remind myself when I was in the hospital for my episode even though it was a 24 hour hold, he didnt show up, he didnt call aftet, he didnt write. He never did.

Its really sad bc I remember him saying at a family gathering, "just bc something didnt start when it should have doesnt mean it cant start today." Yea and thats what I was trying to do but i guess I wont anymore. It wasnt/isnt too late but i guess he doesnt want to hear from me.

And I also remember him saying at more than a few family parties while i was at the kitchen island and i could hear him, " the phone goes both ways." When I look at my calls between him and me, there are 14 calls I made to reach him, that he never picked up... 3 missed calls from him... and a handful of calls we made contact on.

It really sucks. I know I'm his least favorite kid but maybe we could be close if you didnt think I was such a loser and a failure. But hey at least he is more himself.

6:15 p.m

I miss my dad. I am not even remotely prepared to lose him. I wish I had picked up the phone and tried more often. Regardless of the outcome.

Something like this, doesnt even seem real. I love him so much. I need him to come home. I cant cope with this.

7:53 p.m

I called him today bc its father's day and i wanted to hear his voice. We didnt talk long but he said he loved me. He also said hi nate.

I didnt call often before this, bc he never picked up. We had no relationship for awhile bc of my transition but he came to terms with it and accepted it. But we always had problems when it came to me being disabled so there was alwsys unresolved turmoil between us. That we put away at family gatherings.

Nonetheless I wish I called more. There were a lot of times I thought, "I am done with the gym. I ate. I showered. I have nothing to do why not call him?" And then I thought, "ehh not today. There is a lot more time, he wont pick up anyways." And then I thought, "there is gonna be a day you regret this." The Last time I called him was august. I really regret it. I should have picked up the phone more. I mean i have 14 calls that were never picked up from him and never returned... but I wish I had hundreds, I'd feel better.

But he isnt dead, and I can call him still. There is still time. So I am gonna call him every single day cause you dont know how much time you have left and I can beat myself up for not calling but he is alive. I can call now.

I almost didnt call him today and I thought, you have a dad, its father's day and you regret not calling him, pick up the phone and call him.

6:07 p.m

I am 100% panicking about my living space being invaded. I hope this situation will go away without me having to go nuclear... I am def gonna try the peaceful resolution first. I hope that solves it.

I finally talked to my dad. He thought I was connor. He was rude. He was confused. He doesnt sound like himself at all. He only gets that rude with me when he is really angry with me...... I mean he could be angry with me.... bc i havent been there but idk if he even knows what state he is in.

I was so overwhelmed when I finally got him on the phone. And he said hi connor. And realized he is very confused. I told him I wasnt connor and I was nate. But idk if he processed that. He was rude.

I am worried when I finally do see him which i can only see him once....... bc i have no way to get there but spend ass loads of money on a ride...

I am worried he will use my deadname.

I am worried he isnt the same person and will never be.

I am worried he wont walk again. I am worried he won't ever come home and he will end up in a nursing home.

I am worried he wont recover and he will end up dying from the infection becoming resistant....

I am worried that even if he does recover.. he wont be the same person.

10:18 a.m

This is why I stopped believing in her showing up for me. I suppose that semi colon meant nothing.

5:36 p.m

Compassion and human connection is essentially non-existent nowadays.

All we do is stare at phones. "Liking," and "following," people and pages.

Humans do not connect with eachother anymore.

4:52 p.m

I hate my sister for putting me and my mother through this. Calling the police on her is not what I want bc I know shes gonna get taken in handcuffs but she leaves me no choice if she forces us to share our apartment.

My mother is losing her mind. If i have to call the police i will but i really dont want to. I am hoping he doesnt move in or if he does she just lets him use her bathroom and kitchen. Then nothing will happen.

I think its incredibly selfish of her to put us both through this. Its more then selfish. Its disgusting. But I dont have much to lose in retrospect, so I wont allow her to take away my privacy and my home.

Thats the thing, I dont have a gf. I dont have friends. I dont have anything but my fitness journey.... and I mean it when I say I dont have much to lose so calling 911 for extortion the day he enters our apartment isnt a big deal really bc I dont have much to lose.

I just hope she doesnt put me in the position to do it bc i will... and I wish I didnt have to.

I should only be thinking about and worried about father.

He should be my only concern. I cant even see him. You think its easier for me to be detached and unable to see him but its harder. He could just pass. And the last time i saw him... I was traumatized. I cant imagine that being the last time I see him and then seeing him gone... I keep getting Intrusive thoughts of a funeral home and how he was the last time I saw him.

He should be my only concern. Skye should be there for me emotionally. And I should be there for her emotionally. We should be seeing him together, holding eachothers hands.

But instead she leaves from the same house I live in with her and drives to see him. And I cant see him.

I dont even know if he will ever be the same person.

Idk if he will be able to walk. Have conversations. Remember things. Have the same personality.

5:14 p.m thats how I will get this stranger out of my house if shes gonna force my hand.

Shit I didnt realize bc i am so overwhelmed but i have evidence that shes blackmailing/extorting my mother with scare tactics.

I have evidence that she threatened to sell the house and make us homeless if she doesnt let her new tenant share our living space.

The day the tenant moves in, if he so much as comes into my apartment, I am calling the police bc my sister is extorting my mother. Making money off of her new tenant and making threats to force us to be the ones to share our private apartment.... or we will be homeless.

Thats actually extortion. And elder abuse.

She thinks I'm stupid. But I have all the proof I need.

6:06 p.m I say all this as my profile picture has a guy in the background with his mouth in a wow face 😮 as he watched me swing out of a tuck planche. He stares at me sometimes at the gym and if you watch the video he was 👀 but i want my athleticism to be praised.... why? Bc i feel average. But I tell myself you don't see other people doing this shit, I'm extraordinary even if no one says anything... but I love my profile picture bc it was a ROM expansion and LOOK AT HIS FACE 😮😯😯😲

I'm not even gonna lie, i will never be loved again or make love but if I'm wrong, she better just once call me pull up king.

I wish people showered my athleticism with admiration. I cant lie. Its hard work.

That guy with the big smile, staring at me, pulling his shirt insanely fast multiple times (my eye sight is bad and he was far away enough) he could have been hiding a hard on idk.... I just know the way he was pawing at his shirt was insane and his smile. The intense staring. Right after my L-sit to tuck planche, no one has ever been so happy to see me.

5:11 p.m

I woke up this morning to my transphobic/homophobic ex-drug addict (herione) cousin sleeping on the couch and once I opened my door, it REEKED of pot. So he is also still a drug addict.... it triggered me.

I hate him. He scares me..I am worried my mother will let him stay with us. He is dangerous. He has robbed people before for drug money.

He is incredibly transphobic and homophobic. My sister and I are freaking out.

We are trying to make it so he cant come back.... but we are both scared of him.

He is a hot head. She's afraid he will rob us. I am too. I'm afraid he will slash my tires or cut my brake line if I protest him staying here.

I really hope this doesnt turn into a problem... one night is one night...

But i dont want to smell nasty pot.

I dont want him homeless, sleeping in a car, shooting up either... I care about his general well being as he is a person..

4:46 p.m

So its like, "i ate approximately 23 pieces of popcorn and drank 3 sips of juice," up in here...

I was wondering why i was seeing progress on my pull ups and then my progress turned into a decrease in performance....

And now I'm seeing progress again...

Why? Bc its like, ""i ate approximately 23 pieces of popcorn and drank 3 sips of juice."

I want to thank my sleep tracker. My diet tracker... what i was eating before the gym makes a huge difference in my performance... and I want to thank my warm up tracker bc now I know the PERFECT warm up and what to eat before for the gym..

Its fucking crazy but i actually perform better if I eat protein bars before the gym rather than real food. I ate half a chicken before the gym once and my pull ups were terrible.... I've eaten other clean foods before the gym and my pull ups were shit.

Protein bars it is. Idk why but once I started analyzing every facet of my decrease in performnace and my progress and I turned back the dial and did everything like I was doing diet and warm up, we are making progress.

I mean 10 explosive pull ups in one set could be accomplished by august!

Today I did approximately 32 full rom pull ups. Last time was 28... my last best before I changed my diet was 26...

So I'm def making improvements and finally my hindsight pulls ups arent better bc my new sets are getting better and better!!! I'm so excited.

Who would have thought eating fucking chocolate bars before the gym would give me better performance than a half pound of chicken??

Today was amazing, I wowed myself.

Watching my progression from the last 2 months, boy i got it. I got this. I will be pull up king.

When i achieve 10 explosive shoulder to bar pull ups in one set, I am giving myself the title of pull up king 🤴

6:03 p.m

I truly wonder if there is someone out there for me or if I'm actually doomed to be alone forever. I don't get it.

There is like no one out there. If youre miserable in your relationship, dont leave unless they are abusing you, why? Cause it has nothing to do with me being trans. They dont know.

It has nothing to do with me being disabled, they dont know.

I'm pretty good looking. I mean if I looked like this 10 years ago I would have had endless options but whats available now are either two types of people.

1) CHILDREN under 30....... if you go for under 30 there are loads of CHILDREN.

2) just straight up essentially bots or ugly people. Bots like those women trying to sell you their private cam videos.... or like really ugly people like one girl I've seen countless times on dating apps has BROWN TEETH. She's been single as long as me..... there are others....

But if you're in a relationship do not leave unless they abuse you. Even if you arent happy. Unless you are willing to date children...