Landslide

I’m glad you are, too.

Jaemin’s eyes lit up at the mention of Maverick, his brows shooting up playfully. “Oh, yeah, definitely meet Maverick. He’s… he’s nice. Hard to miss. I didn’t know he was sort of your step dad, though”, his lips twitched into a small smile, but a smile nonetheless. “I mean, that’s fair. Where are you going off to?”

“Well not quite. They’ve only been together a few months. I hope they don’t rush into marriage like that.” In all truth, his mom was his first best friend, and he doesn’t want to see her get hurt. “Winston-Salem. I got a job there. I’m supposed to start in March.”

Good! That’s good. *a little line appears between her brows at his pause, but she smiles all the same, offering one little nod* I’m doing okay. One day at a time and all.

I do not but I write a lot of papers so I’m good at researching stuff! I can have a look?

Maybe I can help?

… I’m glad. I’m really glad. Does Annie like him? Is she okay with him? *smiles, ‘til he goes on, and her head tilts to one side, surprised* Me?

Then... I definitely think you should try and just do your very best.

She does? That’s great, Nate! Is he nice? Do you like hi— congratulations! Where? Doing what?

Oh god. My mom tried making green smoothies once… [shudders] Tasted like pure grass… So, uh, how’ve you been lately?

Originally posted by mviamitchell

Oh, no. Kale with a side of cilantro green? Or cloudy apple green? That … yeah, I’d give that a hard pass. I thought she had good taste! 

Then I think it’s worth a try. Even if you don’t like it and come back, at least you’ll know.

None! Maybe there was a chance before the kale smoothies, but … no. They blew that.

Oh god. My mom tried making green smoothies once... [shudders] Tasted like pure grass... So, uh, how’ve you been lately?

Jaemin blinked slowly as he listened to Nate, the surprise in his eyes painfully obvious. He pressed his lips together, gave the other a little nod as he processed the new information. “I… Well, yeah. Of course I would. I’m still an asshole like, ‘m’not a saint, I know that. But I was downright despicable to you… Not many things I’ve said or done have kept me up at night, but this has.” Holding Nate’s gaze suddenly became too much, his eyes casting downwards. But then, the strangest thing happened. He spoke up again, and a hand came into Min’s field of view. He glanced up at the other, eyebrow quirked in a silent query. But the hand remained there, and it was with hesitance that he took it. “Yeah… ‘truce sounds nice”, his voice cracked on the last word, making him bring a hand up to pet his throat as he cleared it. “Um… were you, like, volunteering tonight? Or are you just attending?”

He shook the other’s hand and felt a weight come off of his chest. Granted, this wasn’t going to instantly cure all of his anxiety and trauma, but it was a starting point. Some people would never change, but others... well, there was still hope for others. “My mom’s boyfriend is here. His name is Maverick Jones. You’ may have met him. Brown hair, about a foot shorter than you, usually wearing some sort of hat... I told him I’d stop in, and I wanted to support the cause. But I don’t think I can fully commit to being on the team because I might be moving soon.” Maverick was truly a good guy. Probably one of the only good guys Nate’s mom had ever been with. The fact that he was also a trans guy didn’t hurt either. 

“I didn’t… expect anything different, I had just hoped I didn’t completely fuck your shit up. I don’t wish you ill now, so of course it, uh… Fuck, I mean, it stings. I’m mad that I did those things. I regret them, but I can’t take them back. If I could, I would. In a heartbeat. But I can’t, so wallowing in self-pity doesn’t serve me any purpose, and it certainly doesn’t give you back the years I took from you. Besides, I’m not the victim here, so I don’t even, like… I don’t know, man. It’s difficult to explain, just a lot of cogs turning up there”, Jaemin tapped his temple with his index finger, but his hand quickly fell back down to hang loose by his side. “And I know saying any of that doesn’t… erase what you’ve been through: what I put you through. I don’t need you to forgive me, I don’t need you to like me. Hell, it’d be really fucking weird if you did all of a sudden. I just needed you to know that I was sorry. I am sorry. There’s… not much more I can offer apart from that. Unless you wanted to hit me or something, that I can do. ‘Could be, uh… therapeutic…” He shook his head, his voice growing quieter and quieter until a quiet whisper of ‘fucking hell’ slipped under his breath, clearly aimed at himself.

This was... weird, to say the least. Jaemin wasn’t the only person to bully Nate in high school, but he was the first and only one to apologize for it. “You know, we can’t change the past... but the fact that you would take it back if you could... actually does make me feel a little better.” Nate was-- and still is-- a holder of grudges. He knew that wasn’t a good thing, but it was hard for him to let go. Maybe that was why he was struggling with the decision to take the job offer in Winston-Salem, because he hadn’t let go of anything that happened to him in the town. “I’m not gonna hit you, but, uh, how about a truce?” He extended his hand out to Jaemin. 

“To be fair, even if it was me, I wouldn’t hold it against you. I deserve it”, Min shrugged, clearly no offense taken as he followed Nate outside, grateful for the brief silence that allowed him to gather his thoughts. “I mean, that’s actually sort of a nice segue… I wanted to talk to you about the past. Um, there’s no, like, fun way to talk about it. No half-assed way to bring this shit up either, but I’ve been in a really weird place, lately. I don’t mean to make this a pity party because frankly, I don’t deserve one, but everything I’ve ever known is just crumbling down and it’s so fucking dumb, but I feel like a newborn or some shit. It’s like I’m back to step one on most things.” Jaemin’s hesitance was as clear as day, a sigh slipping from his lips as he stuck his hands in his pockets. He tried to stop swaying left and right, maybe to even look Nate in the eye, as he deserved if he was to be subjected to his presence, but in vain. Something churned in his stomach; warm, uncomfortable. His brows furrowed together. “…I’ve been in therapy for a few months, and one of my most recent… well, I guess, accomplishments, has been just… being a decent human being? Not that I’m… decent in any way, but what I meant by that is that I realized that who people love, who people are or who they just want to be doesn’t fucking matter. To me personally but also to anyone but themselves. That this shit is never a choice, because I don’t think anyone on Earth would willingly choose to be persecuted for being who they are. And I hope my past actions haven’t plagued your life the way they’ve plagued mine recently. N- Not- Not that a few months of harboring guilt equates to years of constant bullying, because it doesn’t. But now that I see things more… clearly, I just… I was really hoping to see you and get the chance to tell you how… h- how truly sorry I am. For being a dickhead. I’ve been thinking about this a lot, about you. I can’t shake away the guilt… I don’t think apologizing would fix it, but at least then I’d know I’ve done what I can… So, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for the things I’ve said and done to you, especially at a time when you were still transitioning, if I’m not mistaken? That must’ve been… so fucking scary, and I’ll never be able to take that back or make it right, but I’m hoping an apology’s a good place to start. And I… I mean, I don’t expect you to forgive me, I don’t think I deserve forgiveness, either. I just needed you to know I was sorry and that it is haunting me; all those people defending you were dead on about that. About lots of things, come to think of it…” He trailed off, gaze blanking out in the distance. A silence fell upon them both, which he then shook off with a nod, eyes darting back to Nate. “Sorry, that was a lot.”

What came out of Jaemin’s mouth was... unexpected, to say the least. “Can’t say I saw that coming... Fuck, I don’t even know what to say to that... God, it’s been... it’s been almost four years since I graduated high school. That shit still fucking haunts me.” That last part definitely wasn’t going to make Jaemin feel any better, but it was something Nate had been harboring for years, and it was something he had discussed with his own therapist. ‘What would you say to your high school bullies if I had them sitting down in this room?’ was a question he’d been asked a lot. Now instead of saying it to a 40-something white woman named Jackie who would never hurt a fly, the person before him was actually one of his high school bullies, and he was terrified. Even though he was stronger now, physically and mentally, he was still scared to go back to that place when he could barely defend himself. 

Then I think it’s worth a try. Even if you don’t like it and come back, at least you’ll know.