nonsense&words

why don’t you just stop?

that’s so gross

doesn’t that hurt?

so you harm yourself?

you should wear more makeup

can’t you just go to a dermatologist and get that fixed?

it’s just a bad habit

you look so pretty, why do you do this to yourself?

–

Now I had trichotillomania as a child and I was partially bald from it. I’m glad that that is no longer a problem, but ever since I started getting acne and having keratosis pilaris, I would pick at it. 

At first I thought it was just a bad habit. Then I started trying to clear up my acne, to get rid of it so that I wouldn’t have anything to pick at. That didn’t work.

For those of you who don’t have dermatillomania, imagine that the  world comes to a screeching halt and time stands still. There are no thoughts in your head, you are moving with one goal in mind, to make your skin uniform almost. Any bumps? Squeeze them. Dry skin? Pick at it. Scabs? Get rid of them. You’ll come out of your daze minutes or hours later and see that you’ve ruined your skin. Then comes the shame of having other people see you.

I can’t wear open back dresses or V neck tees or tank tops or swimsuits because of the scars I have from picking. I can’t wear shorts because they show my stretch marks and keratosis pilaris. 

I wear my hair up because it prevents me from scratching at my scalp. I wear jeans year round to keep me from scratching at my legs. My nails are almost always manicured and kept short and polished to prevent me from picking. When I’m at home, I’ll wear rubber gloves to keep myself from picking. I took the mirrors down in my room so that I wouldn’t be tempted. I write to keep my hands busy so they aren’t on my skin and picking and I twirl a pen in my hands during class to keep me from touching my skin. I wear a necklace to play with instead of touching my face. I wear rings to turn on my fingers instead of picking. I wear scarves to hide the damage on my chest when I wear shirts with lower necklines.

This is a problem. A problem that I’m learning a lot of people have. I’m trying to get better in any way that I can, but it’s hard and what makes it even more heartbreaking is that I will have these scars for the rest of my life and people will always brush it off as being the results of a bad habit.

Even my doctor (yes, my doctor, someone who went to medical school) says that this is a bad habit and that I’d look so much better if I’d just let my skin clear up and stopped picking. Yeah well, that’s much easier said than done.  

There isn’t much awareness for this, so I want to encourage everyone who is going through this with me to be brave, reblog this post, share your story and spread the word because there could be other people out there like me who are scared and feeling alone because nobody talks about these things.

If you are one of these people, you are not alone. I am with you. 

If you are working to overcome this, then I wish you the best of luck.