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@narusetami
People love to talk about others Why do you care so much about others lives Hey Iām sorry but could you leave me alone Itās none of your business I do my own business

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22.12.15 LondonĀ ā OsakaĀ ā Mount Koya
She was up at 5am. Sheād gone to bed the night before at 9:30, a time that hadnāt seen her in bed since she was about 14 and decided she needed way more hours in the day, but it had been made clear to her it was going to be a long day and she needed as much sleep as possible- an easy enough thing to accomplish when sheād had half a sleeping drought in a hot chocolate before bed. 5am in December, the world was well and truly dark when she was gently nudged awake by her mother. The process of getting dressed was done groggily, the potion still in her system and her mind lagging behind even if her body felt well-rested, but there wasnāt time to dawdle if they were to get to the Ministry for 6. After much discussion they had decided it was best to travel by portkey, a flight might have helped more with the whiplash she was bound to experience when they ended up in Japan but they didnāt want to waste time, apparently her motherās childhood home wasnāt exactly a taxi drive away. Luckily, everything had been set out the night before, thermal leggings, a comfy jumper, the toastiest walking boots she owned and an extra layer of winter essentials to match. She had her suitcase and a rucksack, her mother had assured her they wouldnāt need to carry both for long but the Ministry would require to see their luggage on both ends before they could get on with their journey, which was as reassuring as it was inconvenient.

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Draw This in Your Style for Aris <3
sugar, weāre goin down
casshasfangsā:
Cassā stomach was tied in knots. Heād never told anyone about his donors before- all of them older, all of them women he respected very deeply. The idea of even talking about them in a negative tone made him shift uncomfortably. His hands moved to grab a pillow from the lounge so he could squeeze it against his stomach when Tami said they were manipulating him- looping Shoshana into that category as well. No, that wasnāt how it worked. He drank from them and their end of the deal was gratification.Ā
He wanted to talk about it. He wanted to scream about it- how sometimes heād rather go without feeding than have a donor over- but it was just the way things were, it all wrapped up and added to his deep, intense desire to be anything other than what he was.Ā
And what he was was bad. Tami had pretty much said as much. She said he couldnāt listen, he didnāt understand his own situation, that he was stupid. Yeah. Sounded about right.Ā
When he stood to force himself to drink again, he kept one hand clenched in his pocket, hating every second. He didnāt want this. Sometimes Cass wanted to tear his hair out, throw shit across the room and yell about it. But he didnāt have anyone- not his father who was so proud of his vampirism, and certainly not Tami who would blame society for how much he hated himself. He needed to talk. He needed to be with his friend and word vomit but she was packing up her bag already, finished with her bad friend.
He took the package from her, gentle hands had barely managed to pry it open by the time she was already heading for the door. Cass looked up with wide eyes, knobbly knees bumping against the coffee table as he stood, following her out of the library and down the hall.Ā āYou- you donāt have to go.ā He said, shaking his head.Ā āWe were gonna talk about Japan. You didnāt tell me anything about Japan. Donāt-āĀ Donāt go. I need you. I need you even though Iām bad.
āPlease come back to the library,ā Cass begged, but didnāt make to follow her down the stairs. He wasnāt going to force her to do anything.Ā āWe donāt have to talk about me. We donāt even have to talk about Japan. We can talk about⦠Anything. Anything you want.ā He had to go back to the library soon. He had to finish his drink, heād only had a few sips so far, and the long nights prior were starting to wear on him.Ā
She didnāt think he was bad, not even a little bit, but he was her friend and he didnāt trust her- at least not enough to listen to her- and sheād done all of this before. Sheād done it all with Sol twice over. Sheād done the part where she noticed something wrong was happening, sheād done the part where she waited for them to realise it themselves, sheād done the part where sheād tried to talk to them about it and sheād done the part where sheād been shut down. Unsurprisingly, sheād done the part too where, twice, people fucked over her friend and her hurt and sheād just had to watch. She couldnāt do that with Cass, especially not right now when her head was still swimming from the past few weeks and everything felt just a little too much.
āI canāt do this right now, Cass,ā She said simply, taking a breath. He couldnāt unload all of that on her, leave her hanging for days worrying about him, and then just expect her to brush it to the side and pretend it didnāt matter. It did matter. His welfare had and always would matter to her, his future did too, and someone else taking both so lightly made her want to scream. Especially when he just agreed with them about it. She paused a few steps down, half-twisting on the step, her shoulders pulling up uncomfortably when she spoke,Ā āWere we? You say that but youāve had days to contact me and talk to me about Japan and you just didnāt because you were clearly too busy here- and thatās fine, or itās whatever, but letās not pretend thatās why Iām here because it just isnāt. You wanted to talk about you-ā she released her straps, throwing her hands up in frustration before pushing them back through her hair,Ā ā- and the stupid thing is that is actually absolutely fine, Cass. I want to talk about you. I want to hear when something is bothering you and when you ask for my help I am always going to give it but right now you donāt actually want to talk about anything you just want me to tell you what it is you need to hear to go back to school like nothing happened. People are not treating you well, Cass, and if you canāt see that or choose to ignore it then there is nothing I can do about that but I just canāt brush it off like that and pretend itās alright because itās not. People treating you badly is never going to be alright with me.ā
Japan felt a million miles away right now, as though the whole experience had been some kind of dream, parts of it still surreal to her and feeling more so every day she surrounded herself with other people again. It had been beautiful at times, crushing at others, overwhelming from the start to the end. She had missed the quiet every second since sheād been away from it. Tami really wished sheād been able to talk to him then, she couldāve been consoled more than once just by hearing his voice, knowing that when she got home sheād still have Cass and things with him made sense. She wished sheād been able to talk to him then because she didnāt want to talk about any of it now.
āI need to go home, Cass.ā Softly, her voice was so quiet she barely heard it herself but once the words were out of her they solidified in her head anyway. She needed to go home.Ā āEverything went fine, there isnāt really much to talk about.ā She shook her head, dismissive of the topic, not interested right now in sharing with a Cass who casually shrugged off her other concerns like they werenāt real. Which was fine- or it wasnāt, it bothered her but there was nothing she could do about it- and he could form his own opinions about other people, she just couldnāt stay here right now where so much had happened, so many bad things to her friend, and pretend it was nothing when it was everything. His whole life. Wrapped up around people who took advantage of him. It upset her to think she had never noticed before and it upset her to think his dad was allowing this to happen- did she tell her dad? She wasnāt sure what any of this fell under, if this was anything really to do with them, and even if it was sheād been told in confidence and it made her chest tight to think how Cass would feel if she broke that. Regardless, she couldnāt stay here and chat like everything was alright because it wasnāt. Sheād ask him to come with her too but what kind of option was that? Drop everything, pack your things, come to my house and weāll figure all of this out. Would he even take it? He didnāt think anything was wrong, after all. Even if she marched right back to the top of the stairs, took his hands in hers and told him that he needed to trust her on this, that she was right and she knew it so he just needed to trust her and come with her- she wasnāt sure itād make a difference. He didnāt want to hear her, not about Shoshana and not about any of the others either. She steeled herself and took another step, crossing her arms across her chest and willed herself to take another.Ā āItās only a few days,ā She assured, partly to him and partly for herself.Ā āYou can text me if you need anything but Iāll see you soon anyway, on the train, ok?ā Gaze on her feet she half-skipped down the remaining stairs, she knew how to let herself out and knew he wouldnāt follow her further than that on a whim, so when she made it outside and the sun was on her skin again she released the shaky breath sheād been holding and ran down the drive to try and release some of the anxious energy that had built up in her system.
So much for a better year.
[ monday blues ]
peace-love-piperā:
Well, Tami didnāt immediately pull away from Piperās touch, and that was at least something. Piper watched the other girlās reaction as she spoke closely, how she seemed haunted by the experience, unable to put the feelings sheād felt into words but she didnāt have to; Piper understood. Hatred. When sheād felt it it was brief, only one person but heād been so close and touching her and Piper remembered every detail as if itād lasted for hours. It had burned, white hot and unbearable like all the blood in her body had been heated to boil. She knew there were people in the world that hated them. āIt hurtā¦ā Piper offered, her voice barely above a whisper. āā¦the worst feeling imaginable.ā She went quiet for a moment and worked to steady her breathing before she added, āAresā¦he told me that itānone of what we feel, is supposed to feel good. Do youā¦dāyou believe that?ā
Tami took a while to respond to her questions and Piper absently ripped off little pieces of the paper napkin, anxious, feeling nervous even talking about this as vaguely as she was. She pressed her hands flat on the table when the other girl started talking again and tried her very best to listen attentively. Tami mentioned the troubling aspects of the history of their species and Piper flushed, knowing and guilty even though it wasnāt her whoād committed the awful crimes carried out by her grandparents, Piper still felt the weight of remorse on her shoulders.
Tami kept talking and Piper teared up, her throat constrictingāshe couldnāt help doing it, overtly emotional is just who she was, Veela powers or not. āYou think Iām ignoring what I am? Iām not, Tami, IāI donāt even think that would be possible. I feel everything, all the timeāitās been that way for so long that I canāt even distinguish anymore between whatās mine and what other people just project into me. My mum used to tell me that itās beautiful, what we can doāthat it makes me special and that people would love me without ever knowing why, but you know what? Iāve never felt like any of it was really mine, like anything I am belongs to me. I donāt feel empowered by being different, Tami, I feelā¦I feel like this thing to be used, a pretty shiny thing that just distracts people by showing them what they want to see and heightening the things they were already feeling, anyway. Like my own thoughts and feelings are just meant to be drowned out. And the way I see it, there are only two ways to exist if youāre one of usāyou can either use people, or let them use you. My grandparents used peopleāVeelas, both of them, and they used their power to fuck with peopleās heads and get them to do the things that they wanted, and their god-complex got them exiled from our family and then it got them killed, by people who were even more powerful and afraid of what we can do with too much power, and now my mom and my aunt and my cousin and I have to either keep ourselves anonymous or risk facing the consequences for actions we didnāt even commit. My Ministry registration paperwork is fake, Tami, IāI couldnāt come out now even if I wanted toā¦ā Tears had long since started spilling down Piperās cheeks and as she took a breath, she wiped at them fruitlessly with her fingers. āā¦so the way I see it is that my only other choice is the other optionāwhich is to be used. I donāt want to be used as some pawn by people like us with political agendas, fighting some battle that existed long before I was born, where the Beings in charge of it all use us to hurt each other andāand kill each other, and kill innocent peopleā¦ā Piper swallowed back a sob and rubbed her hands against her eyes, trying to calm herself and not draw attention to them. āIā¦refuse, to be used in that way, so whatās left? If Iām not being used by people like us then Iām resigning myself to being used by everyone elseāat the mercy of other peopleās desire because Iām too weak a person not to want that feeling, of being wanted and being liked and being lovedāeven if I know, deep down, where it comes from and what it meansāor rather what it doesnāt mean. Whatās so wrong with that? Iāve tried doing what you do, I really have, but I justāI canāt block out everything everyone else is feeling without shutting off my ability to feel any emotions, at all, in the process, I donāt know how and I justāI canāt live like that, Tami, what kind of life is that? What is the point of existing at all if youāre numb to everything? Iā¦I would rather allow myself to be tossed around, powerless, in the ebb and flow of human emotions and risk drowning in the tide than to float above it all, frozen and isolated and really, truly alone.ā
Hurt didnāt seem enough. It had hurt her but she had been hurt before and it had been nothing like that, there werenāt words for it and so she had struggled to talk about any of it- how did you explain to people who werenāt like them that a feeling could sink under your skin and infect you from the inside out? You couldnāt. She could certainly try, it wasnāt as though she intended to shut herself away from the help other people offered, it was just tedious for people to tell you how they understood when she knew they didnāt- couldnāt. We understand the experience must have been very distressing for you, theyād said, but anything you remember could help us find the people who did this. Clinical. Thatās how she felt the rest of the world was sometimes, she had to wonder if they had any true understanding of feelings at all when they rarely understood their own where she had the ability to understand everyoneās.
āAres is dramatic,ā Tami replied, a hint of a smile.Ā āAnd a boy. Most of them have issues with their feelings whether they like it or not, it doesnāt surprise me that heād hold such an opinion on it.ā She was teasing... partly... she did think that their gender gave them a different perspective on things from the beginning because they were encouraged to feel so much and boys were often encouraged to feel not enough. She didnāt think he was all wrong though. Sighing, her shoulders pulled up into a shrug when she added,Ā āI donāt think itās meant to be completely one or the other, feelings arenāt all one or the other, some things feel good and some things donāt... I just donāt think itās all ours to feel. Some of it must feel good or it wouldnāt be so tempting but just because it feels good doesnāt mean it should be felt, thereās a difference between noticing someone elseās joy and taking it for yourself.ā
This was a lot. What they were, how they felt, what all of it meant. It was complicated enough to be part of a minority that, for the most part, could be invisible when they wanted but still had to worry about the reactions of other people if they ever found out. It was more complicated when that minority hadnāt always been in the right- it would be a lot easier if they had been. She often looked at history, muggle and magical, and some parts of it were so clear-cut that there was no true debate to be had. People had been persecuted in the past for all sorts of reasons but most of them were imagined, the fear of the collective was imagined, they were all just people. It was complicated to know people judged you- some even despised you- for what you were and know that was wrong but also recognise that in their case the fear was not imaginary. They had done terrible things- for all she knew some of them still were- and every day took recognising that and still deciding that she had nothing to be ashamed of because they were not her mistakes and she refused to make them.
She let Piper finish because sometimes you just needed to say it all at once or risk not saying any of it at all. She let her finish and then she released a slow breath.Ā āFeeling everything, letting those abilities control you like that, is not the same as accepting what you are.ā The words left her cautiously because that was the only way to handle any of this. Cautiously but bravely. She released her cup from her hands and with an intake of breath peeled her gloves from her hands, flexing out her fingers before she reached across the table and clasped them around Piperās, gentle but firm.Ā āI know- I know it looks like I have everything figured out and you must think that itās so easy for me but itās not easy... I donāt find any of this easy... Not what we are, not what we can do, not the constant vibration of everyone else in a room trying to push their way into my head without even knowing theyāre doing it. Itās fucking hard. Every day it is hard. I wake up every day and have to make the conscious decision to block everyone else out, I enter every room mentally prepared for the shifts it will bring in the air around me, I canāt touch another person without knowing doing so could completely overwhelm me. It is tiring and it is hard work, all I know is that it gets easier with time, it is so much easier now than it was five years ago... all I know is there is something powerful about feeling something and knowing it is yours, even if it hurts and even if sometimes that means feeling nothing at all. Itās still mine, all of it, and it isnāt for anyone else to take. Itās not just about them, Piper, itās not about everyone else having the right to their own feelings- itās about us. We didnāt ask to feel for everyone else and we deserve to feel things and know for sure that theyāre ours. This, right now, this is you. We are not a vessel for other peopleās emotions to pass through, we have our own will and our own wants, accepting what we are means accepting that we can do these incredible things- and those things can be a gift- but at our core we are just people.ā
Tami released one of Piperās hands so she could take hold of her unused napkin and offer it to the older girl, offering a weak smile as she did so.Ā āIām sorry to hear that about your family, itās not an easy thing to learn about your past. But my family are not all good either, Piper.Ā As hard as I fight for us, thatās not without recognising that for every one of us who is working hard and doing their best, there are people like us out there who are going to hurt and manipulate people and thatās who the world is going to focus on.Ā But Iām not fighting for the idea that weāre all good, Iām simply fighting for the idea that we're not all bad. People are complicated, humans as a species are capable of doing a great many terrible things, but other people are not judged by what they might do, theyāre judged by what they have done. Iām fighting for our right to deserve that too. Not to ignore what has been done in the past, not to assume we are all making the right choices, but to be judged as individuals and not as a collective.ā She paused, gave a gentle squeeze to Piperās fingers before she continued, reassuringly,Ā āI donāt think that means we all need to do the same things, it doesnāt mean we should all be rallying at the Ministry every other week, not everyone wants to move mountains... but just because not everyone wants to be involved like that it doesnāt mean the responsibility isnāt theirs, unfortunately that isnāt something we have a choice in. Every single one of us is important. Youāre a good person, Piper, and if you do good things as a person you may make the world a little bit better for the handful of people you come across in your lifetime... but if you do those same good things, just try your best every day as you already do, as an unashamed veela? You could make the world a better place for all of our kind. Thereās power in being proud of what you are, Piper, and I know you probably think itās easy for me to say that because of who I am and the changes I want to make but itās not really about everyone else... None of us should live in shame of what we are, I think we all deserve to feel proud of ourselves.ā

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You would turn someone in for doing something you think is wrong, even if that person is your friend
True & false.