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The hyena biologist that arranged for Disney animators to come sketch captive  hyenas for The Lion King film (Laurence Frank) was so incensed when the animals were depicted as villains in the movie that he later included boycotting the film on a list of ways the average person could help hyena conservation.

Though it’s commonly known that Charles Darwin’s distaste for parasitic wasps played a role in his development of evolution theory (since he felt no loving God would create animals with such a disturbing life cycle), the biologists who study these wasps find it an unfair characterization. When they were tasked with coming up with a common name for the family of parasitic wasps (Ichneumonidae) that old Charles so disliked, they proposed the name “Darwin Wasps” to spite the famous naturalist who had insulted their beloved family of insects.

Parasitologist Tommy Leung was so frustrated with the way people write about parasites to evoke horror and gore that he started writing a Parasite of the Day blog, that specifically avoids inflammatory or unsettling language to describe them. He also illustrates different species in colorful anime art on Twitter in a series called Parasite Monster Girls—which he calls his “love letter to parasites.”

Whereas the reality is far more like

now i cant do anything. i just have to block his number, keep doing survival sex work and pray i dont get hurt anymore.

People ignored this shit for so long. I don't remember very many people actually trying to defend it (the few that did failed miserably), but it was something you just didn't talk about. Even when Rowling started making cringe additions to the lore (god, remember when that was why she was controversial?) and it became fashionable to rag on her worldbuilding, it was still considered in poor taste to pry too harshly into the house elf thing. Or the goblin thing. Or the squib thing. Or any of the other things. Because everyone still liked Rowling back then, and so they excused it. Sure, if you thought about it it wasn't great, but it was hardly considered a fatal flaw with the series.

And then Rowling went off the deep end and everything changed overnight. People blew right past acknowledging the dodgy aspects of the series and started declaring them evidence that the books had always been trash and Rowling had always been evil. Suddenly, it was the good aspects of the series you'd get backlash for bringing up.

[ID: Detailed drawing of a sperm whale with shading, eyes, and a spout]

[ID: Wobblier drawing of a whale with no shading and no detailed features]

ever-jovial barnaby

the great archibald

shrewd percival

timid constantine

Poirot alone is a bastion of justice without any buttressing to hold him up against the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune.

he has someone kick in the doors for him. and then he pays for the damage. and gets a better more sturdy door as a replacement.

also what the fuck did he do to my girl ariadne oliver? poirot and her are besties. their friendship is literally so important in the books. put some respect on her name.

He makes poirot this agressive brash detective when thats the exact OPPOSITE of what he was in the books. He left a strange impression sure, but his manners were impeccable and he rarely, if ever accused someone to their faces. The Hastings erasure? The random killing of Bouc?

The Good Things:

Gal Gadot gets murked

Lesbians! (but wtf is this time period? Poirot, you’d get decked for being that confrontational about it with them)

“He accuses everyone of murder!” / “It is a problem, I admit.”

Sophie Okonedo’s portrayal of Salome Otterbourne is *chef’s kiss* ♡ (she is quite attractive)

I like that random-ass CGI crocodile that eats a bird for no reason in one of the loading screens

Okay so that was the good, now let's talk about the… everything else…

HOLY SPINNING CAMERA, BATMAN. The camera could NOT hold still and it was so distracting. Nothing would be happening. A basic conversation would be happening. You could just have a still shot or a shot-reverse shot but nope. The camera has to whirl around and around nonstop. It was so distracting I couldn’t even pay attention to the details of the mystery. It was making me feel motion-sick, like this entire story was some theme park ride and bOY, CLAUDE WANTS OFF THIS RIDE.

MUSTACHE ORIGIN STORY. Did… did we really need that? Did Poirot really need like, an entire arc about his mustache? …w-why? Why is that a thing? It doesn’t do anything to humanize him as a character, it’s just… bizarre. I go into this film and suddenly it’s the Great War and I’m so confused.

ON THAT NOTE, Kenneth Branagh himself uh. Sure has an… interesting take on Poirot. He feels kind of broody and holy jeez why is he yelling at everyone why is he firing a gun and holding everyone hostage whAT IS GOING ON? It feels like he copied Bendick Cumdoodler’s homework from Sherlock. In a bad way.

The whole movie felt… very fake. So fake. Like it tries really hard to distract you with all the spinning camera shots, but it just looks bad. And the cgi animals for no reason? Why? It was bad. It was made in 2022 and looked so bad next to the film made in 1978.

I love that each scene is followed by a loading screen a la The Room. No, really, check it out. There are so many pan-out shots of the ship between the major scenes and such they feel like loading screens. Once it was pointed out to me, I couldn’t unsee it.

Bouc? Uh. He wasn’t in Death on the Nile, if I remember correctly. Why is he here? Also his inclusion makes the whole conclusion really fucking awkward when Poirot loses it. Like sir please stop yelling at us please put down that gun why are you holding everyone hostage what is happening??

Anyways, I find Ustinov’s portrayal of Poirot by far the best (okay I’m a little biased, he was the first actor I saw playing the part, but he does it sO DAMN WELL, can you blame me??), and Finney also did a fabulous job in the ‘74 adaptation of Orient Express, but man I just can’t get behind Branagh’s version of Poirot. He has his moments, but there are just as many other bits that have me raising a brow like “yo why does he feel like a parody of the BBC Sherlock instead of Poirot?”

It’s wild how fake the effects are in Branagh’s adaptation, and how many bad film choices there are. I don’t think the cast is bad at all (and honestly I really don’t mind a colorblind casting decision, things don’t need to be a 1:1 recreation to be good), but the direction. The distracting backstories (of POIROT), the weird tangents, the extrEMELY disorienting nonstop spinning, trying to make things feel INTENSE and SERIOUS. We even have a crazy chase scene where Poirot is running after the killer who’s just out of sight, the final confrontation has the crew of the ship dramatically lock all the suspects in while Poirot has his mental breakdown. 

Uh. This attempt to make things more CINEMATIC and EXCITING actually had the opposite effect.

I wasn’t more engaged or excited. I was actually… kind of bored??

Like these were all weird distractions, and I had to stop myself several times from just scrolling on my phone during the film. They were distracting me from the actual point of the story: Who are these people, what are their motivations, and what happened? Who’s responsible for the murder? THAT’S the important thing that gets your interest in a mystery, not uh… chase scenes and violence.

Sir, why do we need to make the dramatic reveal even more dramatic with you having a mental breakdown, locking everyone up, and waving a gun around??

Meanwhile the 1978 adaptation had me hooked. Still has me hooked on rewatches. The characters are memorable, the scenes are deliberate, and the details important. It focuses on the mystery, the clues, the characters, and the dramatic reveal. It doesn’t feel like there are scenes wasted to make trailer shots.

Oh yeah because that’s what the 2022 film felt like. Almost every scene felt like they were done the way they were to look good in a trailer, and it was really obvious. All these unnecessary overhead shots of the ship, the weird fucking introduction of Jackie on the ship, these awful one-liners and quips, these severe angles and closeups when nothing is happening. Just trailer-bait.

Ustinov’s Poirot was charming and likeable. Branagh’s Poirot feels… confused. Like he kind of gets the character, but feels like he needs to dramatize him up to make him “interesting”, and that, if anything, makes him less interesting.

Ustinov’s Poirot just looks like he’s having a chill time

Branagh’s take felt like he saw some movies (or worse, Sherlock), copied their homework, and did it badly. I came out of Death on the Nile barely knowing who was who and what was going on, and I’d already seen the 1978 film and knew the story! It’s a shame, because Branagh did have some moments. There were some bits here and there that felt charming and likeable, but it was buried under odd mannerisms, an out-of-left-field backstory, and an air of doom and gloom.

He really didn’t need a backstory. He can just BE. The main purpose is for him to piece together the clues and then reveal the killer. The other characters are the central focus, not Poirot. Poirot facilitates the mystery. He doesn’t need to weave in some continuity across three stand-alone stories and have a heavy backstory thrown in.

Just.

Mustache origin story.

The mustache had a character arc.

Wow.

In the books and the BBC version Poirot has darkness and sadness to him, he's cunning and ruthless and some of his cases affect him deeply but up until Curtain he lives his life with great joy and zest. His eccentricities aren't a milestone around his neck, they're his greatest weapon. Everyone around him knows his weaknesses but they don't know the degrees to which he exaggerates them. Branaugh's Poirot is a sad cold man who below than mask is an even sadder man but everyone treats him like he's an annoying arrogant little bastard. He's not and that's the problem.

In the books and the BBC version Poirot has darkness and sadness to him, he's cunning and ruthless and some of his cases affect him deeply but up until Curtain he lives his life with great joy and zest. His eccentricities aren't a milestone around his neck, they're his greatest weapon. Everyone around him knows his weaknesses but they don't know the degrees to which he exaggerates them. Branaugh's Poirot is a sad cold man who below than mask is an even sadder man but everyone treats him like he's an annoying arrogant little bastard. He's not and that's the problem.