I don't know what I'm doing

Simon feels like type of guy whose internal monologue is "I've been hurt and betrayed enough times, I have learned my lesson, and I won't trust people so quickly next time", and then (accidentally) immediately takes a liking to new recruits and team members and doesn't realize that he's warmed up to them until later on and then goes "oh shit, I did it again".

It's like he wants to be cold to protect himself but there's an innate want to genuinely have people he cares about and who cares about him in return, that he ends up getting attached to people anyway (which does result in him getting hurt again from time to time because, ironically, he was too trusting and often gave them the benefit of the doubt if he noticed something off)

I don't think Simon keeps his face covered because he's insecure of his look (I actually think he finds himself attractive). I think he feels the need to wear the mask because having his whole body covered makes him feel safe. Exposing his face would feel too vulnerable for him be comfortable.

I don't believe Simon would be cold in a relationship, but I do think he would take things slow and that it would take a while for him to be comfortable around someone before being intimate with them (which doesn't just include sex but other stuff like normal physical affection and opening up about his feelings as well).

Relationships have a different type of intimacy than friendships so it would feel like a higher risk for him to fully trust someone in that scenario.

I don't think he'd skip that completely though. I think he would actually be patient with himself and try it out if he feels like he found someone he's really interested in.

Simon seems like the type to be loyal to a fault (in general, not just in romantic relationships). If he respects you, likes you and gets emotionally attached to you, then he's 200% in.

I don't necessarily think him and Keegan would hate each other if they ever met, I think it would be more on-sided. Simon feels like the person who values skills very highly, so even in the case he gets annoyed with Keegan, he would still respect him and act civil. Keegan, however, would probably be a brat (I feel like he would enjoy messing with Simon).

Author's Note: I would love to know what you think of my headcanons, but only as long as you keep it respectful. It's okay to have different opinions, and it's more than possible to have a peaceful discussion about it.

Now you were grown ups, and unfortunately for you, you had to live together. You both had to move to Seoul to live your lives, but since your family didn’t have much money, they forced you to share an apartment. Jongho went there to become an idol, while you moved to Seoul to go to university. 

You were currently looking for a job to be able to pay the rent, and also because you were trying to save up money to buy your own car. You had gotten your driving license literally one year before, but you never got the chance to buy a car. 

Jongho had a car that he bought with his own money, but in one year of you trying to ask him to let you drive it, he never let you even once. The only times you actually got the chance to drive, were when your friends let you borrow their cars. 

That day you had an important interview for a job that you really wanted to get. You had heard about that job a lot, and you knew it was really nice and the pay was high. There was only one problem. The public transports that day were on strike, and your friends all needed their cars.

Desperate, you ran to your brother, ready to put aside your pride and beg him for his car.

《Jongho!》 you screamed

《What do you want》 he replied, already annoyed 

《I need your car》

《No》

《Let me explain the situation-》

《No》

《I need to go to a job interview!》

《Ask for a friend’s car》

《They need it!》

《Take the bus》

《Public transportations are on strike today》

《Then go on foot》

《The interview is in 30 minutes and to get there by foot it’ll take me more than one hour!》 you whined 《Please I really need your car. I need to get this job. I’ll do whatever you want but please let me drive it for at least this once》

He looked at you, then sighed.

《If you scratch it, or dirty it, you are dead to me》 he said

《I won’t, I promise》 you said 《It’ll get back to you like it’s new》

He took the key and reluctantly gave them to you. You thanked him and ran out, hoping to get to the job place in time. You were so nervous about finally driving his car, that on the road you drove slower than usual, and when you arrived at the place, you made sure to park somewhere where there was a lot of space, so that no one would hit it accidentally. 

You managed to get to the interview in time and when it was your turn, everything went perfectly. When everything was over, you felt super happy. You were almost sure the job would be yours, and you couldn’t wait to get home to celebrate. 

Before getting in Jongho’s car, you checked it to make sure there were no scratches, and then you got in, to drive home. You were waiting at a traffic light, when you heard a loud screech, and widened your eyes at the sigh of the car that was coming your way. You didn’t manage to start your car, that the other one violently hit the back of yours.

You must have fainted for the shock, because when you opened your eyes again you were in the hospital. The doctor came and explained to you what kind of injuries you had. Fortunately for you, you had nothing serious, but you hit your heard and bleed a lot. You could feel your whole body hurting, but at least nothing was broken.

You reached out for you phone, and almost started crying even before you could make the call. You took all your strength in you, and dialed his number.

《What do you want?》 answered Jongho

《Jongho I have a problem》

There was a couple of seconds of silence on the other side, then he spoke again.

《What happened?》

《I was in a car accident…》

《With my car??》 he yelled, angry

《Jongho, please listen-》

《I told you to be careful! I told you to not scratch it!》 he kept yelling 《And what do you do? You get into an accident! I knew I shouldn’t have given my car to you, you only cause trouble》

Jongho hung up and you started crying. You took your phone again and called someone else.

《Hello?》 said Seonghwa

《Seonghwa, can you come here?》 you asked, sobbing

《Woah, what happened? Where are you?》 he asked, worried

《I’m at the hospital》

《What happened? Are you okay?》

《I’ll explain later, can you come here first?》

He promised you he would be there as soon as possible, and in 10 minutes you saw him running into your hospital room.

《What happened?》 he asked, out of breath

You explained to him how you were driving Jongho’s car, and how, when you were going back home, another car lost control and suddenly hit yours.

《Have you told Jongho?》 he asked

《I tried to talk to him but he yelled at me for breaking his car》 you sobbed 《He really hates me now》

《He doesn’t hate you, he’s just angry》

《He didn’t even ask me if I was okay》 you said 《He never cared about me》

Seonghwa held you while you cried. It hurt him to see you like this, especially because he knew how much your brother’s behavior hurt you on a daily basis. When you finally calmed down, and the doctor told you that you could go home, Seonghwa helped you check out of the hospital and brought you home. When you found yourself in front of your house door, you froze in fear. 

《It’s okay》 Seonghwa 《I’m here with you》

You opened the door and Seonghwa helped you walk inside. As soon as you got in, Jongho was standing in front of you, furious. Suddenly, he looked twice as big as usual, and his muscles made him so much more intimidating. You were seriously scared of him in that moment. 

Before Jongho could even open his mouth to yell at you, Seonghwa stopped him

《Not now Jongho》 he said, with a stern tone, glaring at him

He helped you to your room, and you tried to ignore your brother’s eyes on you.

《He hates me》 you said, once you were in your room

《I’ll talk to him》 said Seonghwa 

You laid on your bed and hugged your pillow, crying some more, while Seonghwa walked out of your room and went to the living room, where Jongho was.

《We need to talk》 said Seonghwa

《I have nothing to talk about with you, I want to see my sister》 Jongho replied

《I know you are angry now about your car, but we need to have a serious conversation about your behavior》 Seonghwa said 《I’ve been listening to Y/N worries all this time, trying to get her to change her mind, but she won’t believe me》

Jongho looked at him, confused.

《I know you two have this weird love-hate relationship, but from your party, hate is the only thing that comes out. You are always making fun of her, or scolding her for everything. She really admires you as her older brother, and having you talk to her like that all the time is destroying her. She is seriously convinced that you hate her, and I’m starting to think it too》 Seonghwa said 《I know you were worried about your car, but when she called you to tell you what happened, did you even bother to ask her how she was? She was in a freaking accident! For what you knew she could have been badly injured》

Jongho looked away ashamed.

《She said you didn’t let her explain, so I’ll do it》 Seonghwa added 《She wasn’t the one that caused the accident. She was waiting at a traffic light, and a car lost control and hit her. It wasn’t her fault that your car got hit》

Jongho was too embarrassed to talk.

《She cries so much thinking about how you always mistreat her, so if you actually care about her, you should fix this》 the older said 《Go to her and tell her you’re sorry. Be nice to her for once, for god’s sake》

Jongho nodded and looked at your bedroom’s door. He slowly walked there and knocked on the door. You didn’t reply, so he just opened it and got in. As soon as he entered the room, and saw you crying on your bed, his heart broke. 

《Y/N, can we talk?》 he said, softly 

You jumped at the sound of his voice, and turned to him, anxious.

《I’m really sorry about your car》 you quickly said 《I promise I will save up the money and pay to get it fixed. I’m so sorry, I swear》

《Y/N, please stop》 he said, sitting next to you 《Seonghwa explained what happened. It wasn’t your fault, so stop apologizing》

You looked at him, shocked. Never in your life you got the chance to hear such a soft and calming tone come out of Jongho’s mouth. 

《I never noticed that I was so rude to you》 he said 《I thought it was normal for siblings to act that way, but I might have taken it too far. I didn’t know you thought I hated you》

《It’s okay if you do》 you replied, weakly 

《But I don’t hate you》 said Jongho 《I really care about you. I’m just too stupid to know how to show it》

《You don’t hate me?》 you asked 《But I broke your car》

《I don’t hate you, and the accident wasn’t your fault》 he repeated 

You felt like crying harder. You were not used to seeing Jongho like this.

《I’m sorry if I didn’t ask you how you were earlier. I can be really insensitive sometimes》 he said Jongho 《Are you okay?》

《Yeah, nothing’s broken》 you said

《I’ll try to be a better older brother from now on, okay?》 he said 《I don’t want you to feel like this ever again》

You did end up crying harder and he took you in his arms, hugging you, He patted your back and kept telling you it was okay.

Is this what it feels like to have an older brother? You thought. Well, it wasn’t that bad.

-

You thought you had time. You thought you could wait to retire and go there on holiday when you were older. You didn’t know you actually would have had so little time. 

One day you went to the hospital for a normal check up, but when you got the results, you felt your whole world crumble. When the doctor explained to you what kind of illness you had, you didn’t even understand what he was saying. All those specific words and terms you never heard of, were only confusing you. The only thing you understood, was the fact that you couldn’t be cured and that you only had two months left. 

You cried for the first two days, then you realized you couldn’t do anything about it and chose to live what was left of your life the best you could. You didn’t want to tell anyone about your illness because you didn’t want to be treated differently. You wanted to live a normal life till the end.

You didn’t even tell Mingi what was going on, but one day you talked to him about to aurora borealis. You looked on the internet and found out the aurora would be visible from mid September. From the day you met with the doctor, to that date, it was exactly two months. You knew it was risky to go there when you were so close to your last moments, but exactly because of that reason, you couldn’t miss the opportunity. 

Mingi agreed to come with you, even though he found it weird that you wanted to go now, when you always told him you wanted to wait. He promised you he would take some days off, and that night you booked the flight and the hotel.

You lived your life normally for those two months, trying to spend as much time as you could with your family and the people you loved. It was hard keeping that secret from them, but also knew that it would hurt them more if you told them.

The date of your flight was getting nearer and nearer, and you were feeling sicker. You took all the medicines the doctor gave you, and tried to hide it. You illness, though, wasn’t the only problem. 

Ateez was so eager to spend time with atinys, that they decided they needed to have another comeback. Since they had to prepare for that, they got busier by the day, and you ended up not seeing or hearing from Mingi for days. You were starting to get worried, because the day of departure was near, and he was nowhere to be seen. Two days before the flight, Mingi finally came home at a decent time.

《Mingi》 you called him 《Can we talk?》

《Not today》 he replied 《I’m too tired》

《I know you are tired but we need to talk》

He rolled his eyes and looked at you.

《About what?》

《About our trip》

He scoffed.

《You’re still thinking about that trip?》 he said 《You know I’m busy right now. I can’t go with you》

《But you promised》 you said 《You promised you would come with me. You promised you would take the days off》

《We are having a comeback, I can’t do that》

《Why couldn’t you ask Hongjoong to postpone it? We agreed about this trip before you decided to have the comeback. You could have waited a couple of weeks》

《Why are you so sensitive about this trip? It’s not like you won’t have another opportunity to see the aurora. Just wait a bit more and maybe when I’m free I’ll go with you》

《I don’t want to wait》 you lied

You couldn’t wait. That was the sad truth.

《Then it’s your problem》 he replied 《If you really want to go, then go on your own》

He walked to the bedroom and slammed the door. That night you cried yourself to sleep. You didn’t know when you were going to die and you also knew you wouldn’t be able to do the only thing you always wanted to do. 

When you woke up the next day Mingi was already at the company. You didn’t even got the chance to meet him in the evening, because he never went back home. You still didn’t want to miss the chance to see the aurora, so you decided to go on your own. You packed your things and the next morning you went to the airport. 

You were queueing up to get your luggage checked, when your whole body started aching and your head started spinning. Before you could understand what was going on, you fainted. 

The only emergency number in your phone was Mingi’s number, but of course he was too busy to answer the call. The nurse, thought, didn’t give up and kept calling him until the eventually answered.

《What do you want?》 he said, annoyed 《You know I’m busy》

《Hm, is this Mingi?》 the nurse said, embarrassed

《Yeah, who are you?》

《I’m a nurse at Seoul’s hospital》 she said 《Y/N was brought here a couple of hours ago and she’s in intensive care. I think you should come here as soon as you can. I don’t think she has much time left》

《What do you mean she doesn’t have time?》 he asked, confused and worried 

《Did she tell you? She’s ill》 the nurse said 

Mingi felt his heart break. He hung up without saying anything and ran to the hospital. He demanded to know in which room you were and entered it with force, since the doctor wouldn’t let him in. When he entered your hospital room, he saw you laying on the bed, unconscious, with multiple machines attached to you. One of them was helping you breath. He sat next to you and held your hand.

《Why didn’t you tell me?》 he asked 《Why didn’t you tell me you were dying? If only I had known, I would have spent all my time with you. If I had known I wouldn’t have treated you like that. I would have gone with you to see the Aurora》

The tears wouldn’t stop coming down on his cheeks.

《I’m so sorry for being insensitive and telling you to wait. I didn’t know you had no time. You should have told you didn’t have time》 he cried 《Why did you keep it to yourself? Why did you hurt on your own? I know I don’t show it enough but I’m here for you. I’m here to help you through anything》

The sound of the machines were getting to his head. He thought he was going crazy.

《Come back to me》 he begged 《You can’t die now. The last time I talked to you I was horrible. That fight shouldn’t be our last conversation. Please, come back to me. I love you》

Right after he said that, the main machine emitted one single, constant, noise. The one that said that your heart stopped beating. 

Mingi froze and his eyes widened. The doctor and the nurses rushed to the room and pushed him away, controlling you. When the doctor told the nurse the day and hour of death, Mingi went crazy. He started screaming, crying, trying to get near you again, trying to hold you hand one last time. The nurses tried to keep him back but he pushed them away. He had to get dragged out of the hospital by the security.

You were gone, and that fight had been, indeed, your last conversation with him.

-

There you were, two months later, at a restaurant waiting for him. He entered the place and you waved at him to make him notice you. He came to the table and kissed you on the cheek and sat in front of you. You smiled at him and chose what to eat.

You were waiting for the food to arrive, when you noticed that Hongjoong was nervous. He was looking at everything but you, and he was anxiously patting on the table with his fingers.

《Are you okay?》 you asked

《Yes, I’m perfect》 he replied, quickly

《You seem bothered by something》 

He looked at you and he seemed hesitant, as if he was holding something back.

《What are your feelings for me?》 he asked 《Are you serious about this relationship?》

《Of course I’m serious about this》 you replied 《I wouldn’t have waited for you so long if my feelings weren’t sincere and serious》

Hongjoong nodded.

《I really like you, Y/N》 he said 《But there is something I haven’t told you》

Now you were curious, and even a bit scared. He looked so nervous that you thought it was going to be something bad.

《What is it?》

《I… I have a daughter》 he said

You stared at him, surprised.

《A daughter?》 you asked 《As in, a child?》

《Well she’s not a child anymore》 he corrected you 《She’s almost 14》

《Wow》 

You were surprised and you were trying to process the information in your head.

《I know I should have told you about her when we started dating, but I thought you wouldn’t want to be with me if you knew》 he said 《But I guess telling you now it’s even worse. I understand if you want to break things off》

《Wait, calm down》 you told him 《I haven’t said I want to break up》

He looked torn.

《Look, I know a child is a big responsibility and all, but I really do like you and I don’t mind that you already have a daughter》 you said 《I’d like to meet her, actually》

《You want to meet her?》 he asked

《Yes》

《Are you sure?》

《I want to be part of your life and I’m ready to accept every part of it》

He finally smiled, relieved. During the rest of the dinner you asked him what was of the mother and he explained that she had died when their daughter was 6 years old. He hadn’t been in a relationship since, and you were the first girl that caught his attention after everything that happened. 

The next day, he asked you to meet him at a cafe, and when he walked in, he had someone by his side. Hongjoong and the girl walked to your table, and you got up to greet them. 

《I’m Y/N》 you said, reaching out your hand for the girl to shake it

She just glared at you and scoffed at your attempt of introducing yourself.

《Hyejin, be polite》 Hongjoong scolded her

You told him it was okay, and you all sat at the table. You tried to start a conversation with her numerous times, but she almost never replied, and the times she did she was always rude. You didn’t take it to heart, because you knew it might have been difficult for her to see her father with another woman. You kept trying to get to know her, while you tried not to get hurt by her behavior.

A month passed and she was still not giving you a chance. You also bought her a couple of small gifts, hoping to get her to open up, but she never accepted them. After a while, Hongjoong noticed that Hyejin’s behavior was getting to you.

《I’m sorry about her》 he apologized 《She’s just really reserved and it takes her a lot to like someone》

《It’s okay》 you told him 《I understand where she comes from》

《Maybe you can try to go out, only you two》 he suggested 《Do girly things, you know》

It wasn’t a bad idea, so you asked Hongjoong to ask Hyejin if she was alright with going to the mall with you, to go shopping. Strangely, she agreed right away. You took it as a win, and maybe a sign that you could get along. The next day you picked her up and you went to the mall. You were excited, while she had her usual stone cold face on.

You went in different shops and every time you tried to show her a dress or a shirt, she said she didn’t like it, or that your taste in clothes was horrible. Since you didn’t want to irritate her more, you tried to suggest that she choose something for you, but she refused. 

After hours of walking around without actually buying anything, Hyejin announced she needed to go to the toilet, so you went there together. Since you were there, you thought about using the toilet too, so you went into one of the stalls. When you came out of it, the stall next to you, where Hyejin had previously went in, was currently open. You looked around but Heyjin was nowhere to be found. You walked out of the toilet, and looked everywhere, but you couldn’t see her. You asked around and no one seemed to notice her. She disappeared and you were about to panic. Was she okay? What are you going to tell Hongjoong? How do you find her?

You ran through the whole mall again, and asked the security for help too. In the end, seeing there were no results, you called Hongjoong.

《What is it?》 he answered the call

《Hongjoong please don’t freak out》 you said, freaking out yourself 《I lost Hyejin》

《You what?》 

《She’s not with me anymore and I can’t find her》 you explained 《I looked for her in the whole mall but she’s nowhere to be found》

《I’m coming》 he said, hanging up

You waited for him at the entrance of the mall, and in 10 minutes you saw him quickly parking his car and running to you.

《What happened?》 he asked 《Where did you see her last?》

《We were in the toilet and when I came out she was gone》 

You searched for her in the mall together, and every minute that passed, Hongjoong became more and more upset.

《How the hell do you even lose a teenager?》 he asked, angry

《I’m really sorry, Hongjoong》 you apologized 《I didn’t mean to lose her. I don’t even know how it could happen. We were just in the toilet and then-》

《Stop it》 he cut you off 《Just stop talking》

You felt so bad, and you were still worried about his daughter. You were hoping she was fine and that you would be able to find her soon.

Then, Hongjoong seemed to notice something behind you and his eyes lit up. He ran past you and you turned around just in time to see him hug his daughter. You ran to them as well, relieved.

《Where were you?》 you asked 《I was so worried》

《I told you when we were in the toilet that I was going to the fast-food we walked past earlier》 she replied, hardly 《I waited there for an hour and you never showed up. How could you leave me there alone?》

You were taken back. She never talked about going to a fast food. Actually, she never talked about anything with you. Why was she lying?

《So, you didn’t just lose her, you also forgot about her?》 Hongjoong asked, angry

《No, I didn’t-》

《Maybe I was wrong all along》 he said, cutting you off once again 《I thought you were a serious person and that you were ready for this responsibility, but I guess I trusted the wrong person again. I shouldn’t have let you in my life》

He glared at you, then looked at his daughter.

《Let’s go home》 he told her

He walked away, with Heyjin by her side, but before she walked away with him, she looked at you with a smirk on her face. 

That day you went home and cried by yourself, letting out all the built up frustration you had. You didn’t feel good enough for Hongjoong, you were angry at yourself for upsetting him, and you were annoyed at his daughter’s behavior. You wanted to call him, but you knew he didn’t want to talk to you, so you held back.

Days passed and Heyjin noticed the change in her father’s mood. Since he met you, he had been more energetic and positive, but now that you were gone he was back to being too serious and melancholic. She also found him staring at his phone a couple of times, and she knew that he was thinking about calling your or not. In the end, he never called, and Hyejin started to see that it was making him sadder. She started feeling bad, so one day she tried to open the subject. 

《Did you like Y/N?》 she asked her father

《She wasn’t the right woman for us》 he replied

《That’s not what I asked》

He sighed.

《Yes》 he replied 《I liked her. No, actually, I was in love with her》

Hyejin felt even worse. She failed to see how happy her father was when he was with you, and only in that moment she realized all the times she had been rude to you or all the things she did to get you to break up.

《Dad..》 she said 《It’s my fault》

《What is your fault?》 he asked, confused

《That day at the mall… Y/N didn’t lose me nor abandoned me》 he explained 《I ran away while she was in the toilet》

《Why would you do that?》

《I wanted you to believe that she was irresponsible so that you would leave her》 she said 《I didn’t want her to replace mom and I didn’t want her to be with us, so I tried to separate you two》

Hongjoong was so shocked that he didn’t know what to say. He never thought his daughter could do that.

《I didn’t notice how happy she made you and only though about myself》 she said 《I’m sorry》

Hongjoong walked to her and hugged her, which only made her confused.

《I forgive you this time》 he said, knowing she was sincerely sorry 《But if you do something like this again, I will ground you for life》

《I’m sorry》 she repeated 

He let her go and looked at her. 

《Will you call her now?》 she asked 《Will you get her back?》

《I don’t know if it’s a good idea》 he replied, hesitant 《Maybe it’s better if things stay like this》

《But you loved her, and I know she loves you too》 she said 《You can be happy if you get back together. You can start again》

He knew she was right, and he took his time to think things through, to be sure it was really the best choice. A couple days later, he showed up at your apartment and you were more than shocked when you opened the door and saw him.

《What are you doing here?》 you asked

《Hyejin confessed that she ran away from you to get you in trouble with me》 he said 《She wanted us to break up》

《She hates me that much?》 you asked, hurt

《She realized her mistakes and she wants to start over》 he said 《And I’d like to start over too》

Your eyes shot up, looking at him surprised.

《I’m sorry for getting angry at you, and I’m sorry for what Hyejin did》 he said 

《It’s not your fault》

《I perfectly understand if you don’t want anything to do with us anymore, but I’m in love with you, and I’d love to have you back in my life》

《Are you sure you both want me there?》 you asked 《I don’t want Hyejin to hate me if I come back》

《She’s ready to let you in》 he reassured you 《She said so herself》

You smiled and sighed in relief. Hongjoong took a step forward and cupped your cheeks with his hands. Then, his lips finally touched yours in a sweet kiss. 

《I missed you》 he said

《I missed you too》 you replied 《Only you make me happy》

Knowing that you felt the same away, it made his heart melt. Maybe this time it could work. 

-

《Welcome home, love》 Seonghwa whispered lovingly 

You only hummed back.

《Hey》 he said softly, making you turn around to take a better look at you 《Is everything alright?》

You tried to force a smile and nodded. In that moment, San and Wooyoung entered the kitchen, all ready to go out. When they saw you, the came closer to greet you with a kiss on the cheek. 

《You’re going out with the boys?》 you asked

All of them frowned at the sound of your weak voice.

《Baby, what wrong?》 Seonghwa asked

《I’m fine》 you replied 

《Don’t lie》 Wooyoung said, making you sigh 

Seonghwa turned to the two boys and said 《I’ll call Hongjoong and say we’re staying home》

San and Wooyoung nodded, while Seonghwa left the room. 

《What? Why?》 you asked, confused 《You should go out and have fun》

《We won’t go out when you’re clearly not okay》 San said 《You’re our girlfriend, our priority》

《I said there’s nothing wrong》 you repeated, exasperated and annoyed 

Wooyoung walked closer to you and took your hand in his.

《It’s okay if you don’t want to tell us what’s wrong, but don’t lie to us about how you feel》 he said 《We need to take care of you. It’s our job as your boyfriends》

《I’ll prepare you a hot bath》 San said, leaving before you could reply

Seonghwa came back and Wooyoung, who was still holding your hand, took you to the bathroom. Once you all arrived at the door, you looked at your three boyfriends.

《Could you… keep me company during the bath?》 you asked, hesitant

《Of course》 Seonghwa replied

You nodded, embarrassed.

《Can I keep my clothes on?》 you asked 《I’ve never undressed in front of you…》

You all had been dating for quite a while but you hadn’t had sex yet, and suddenly thinking about them seeing you naked and vulnerable was making you anxious.

《You can keep them on if you want》 Seonghwa replied, smiling softly 

《You know we would never judge you, right?》 San asked 《You’re beautiful to us》

《I know, but I don’t feel like taking them off》 you replied 《Not tonight. Not yet》

《It’s okay》 Wooyoung replied 《Do you want one of my shirts to wear?》

Wooyoung left, going to look for a shirt you could change into. In the meantime, the tub was slowly getting filled with water, and San began throwing in the salts he knew you loved. Wooyoung came back with some clothes: a shirt to wear in the tub, and a pair of sweatpants and a hoodie to wear after the bath. They left you alone in the bathroom while you changed, remaining only in underwear and Wooyoung’s oversized shirt. You opened the door again, letting the boys in. You felt awkward and out of place in that moment, and the boys could see you were feeling uncomfortable. They wanted to take your worries away but they had no idea how, since you didn’t tell them what the problem was yet.

《Can I get in with you?》 San asked

You slowly nodded and he started taking off his clothes, keeping his boxers on so you wouldn’t feel uncomfortable. He slowly got into the tub and looked at you, gesturing you to come in.

《It’s warm in here》 he said, smiling 《Come in》

You slowly entered the bathtub, welcoming the warm feeling. Once you sat down, you felt San’s arms wrapping around your waist and pulling you closer to him, making you lean your head on his shoulder.

Wooyoung sat on the toilet and Seonghwa sat on a stool, both of them right next to the tub. 

《Would you tell us what’s bothering you?》 Seonghwa asked

《It’s just… everything》 you replied, looking at the water 《School is so difficult. I’m failing most of my classes and I don’t understand how. The more effort I put in studying, the worse my marks get. I’ve gotten to the point where I don’t want to wake up because I only that I will most certainly cry or be disappointed in my own skills. I literally start to panic as soon as I see the school’s building. It’s so difficult to get up every morning》

A tear escaped your eyes but you didn’t bother wiping it away. San’s arms tightened a bit around your waist. 

《We can help you out with your study and your homework》 San proposed 《We probably know nothing about the subjects you’re studying, but working with someone could be of help. You could explain the lessons to us, or show us what you learned at school, so you can memorize them》

《As for the panicking when you see the school… that’s something you can only work on, on your own》 Seonghwa added 《You need to try to see the positive side in what’s around you, because that’s what will keep you going. Even if it’s a little thing, even if it feels stupid to you, if it’s something you think it’s nice, then focus on that. Think of those small things to forget the bigger, negative, ones. It works, but it needs time and effort》

《How did end up with you guys?》 you asked, sadly 《How did I get so lucky?》

《We are the lucky ones》 Wooyoung replied 《It’s not easy to find someone who can keep up and handle all three of us》

You softly chuckled and Wooyoung smiled, glad he could cheer you up a little. 

《But seriously, we are the lucky ones》 San said

《We are always busy and when we’re not we’re probably moody because of the stress from work, but you’re always there for us when we need you and you always take care of us》 Wooyoung said 《We can’t spend much time with you, but you never complain about it》

《You are taking care of us all the time》 Seonghwa said 《You’re what keeps us going. You’re what makes us smile when we wake up in the morning》

《You’re making me cry》 you replied, covering your face with your hand

San gently took your hand away. 

《Don’t hide》 he whispered softly 

《We love you》 Seonghwa said 

《I love you too, so much》 you replied 

The tears stopped and you were feeling a bit more relaxed, thanks to your boyfriends’ presence and words.

《We should probably get out》 San said, looking at his wrinkled fingers.

Seonghwa and Wooyoung took two towels and they wrapped them around you two when you got out of the tub. 

《We’ll let you change》 they said, leaving the bathroom

You took off your wet clothes and changed into the comfortable clothes that Wooyoung gave you earlier. You looked at yourself in the mirror and unconsciously smiled at how his clothes looked on you. When you got out of the bathroom, they were waiting for you in front of your bedroom’s door. 

《We do have a big bed, but sadly it won’t fit all four of us》 Seonghwa said 《Woosan, here, wants to cuddle with you, so I’ll have to sleep on the couch》

He took a step forward and kissed your temple.

《I’ll see you tomorrow, love》 he said 《Good night》

《Good night》 you replied, looking at him as walked to the living room

You followed San and Wooyoung to the bedroom and laid down under the covers. Wooyoung got in next, laying facing you, and hiding his face in your chest while wrapping his arms around your waist. You hugged him back, putting a hand in his hair and playing with it. San got in the bed, laying behind you and wrapping his arms around both you and Wooyoung.

You loved this. You loved how they made you feel loved and important. You loved their affection. You loved them. 

《Good night》 you said, slowly falling asleep with a smile on your face

-

You were exhausted because of work too, and because you had to care of both your boyfriends, and the fact that San wasn’t listening to you, made you stress even more. Because of that, Yeosang promised you he would take care of San instead of you, especially during practice, so that you could breathe for while. This resulted in Yeosang coming home later than usual, just to keep an eye on San. You were glad that they were together and that they could take care of each other, but you couldn’t deny that you felt lonely. Yeosang seemed to notice it so, when he could, after practice he always made sure San made it to the dorms and then he left to come to your apartment and spent some time with you. 

In the last few days, San seemed to be avoiding you. You always called to make sure he was okay, but recently he never replied to your calls, and the few times Yeosang forced him to answer, he was cold and short. You thought it was the stress at first, but you felt uneasy. 

That day was the last day they had to work so hard. They would have had a couple days off after that and then the comeback. Yeosang and San were supposed to come to your apartment to finally eat dinner together like you used to do. Luckily they were going to get off work before you, so you were excited to come home and find them already there. When you opened the door to your apartment and saw the two pairs of shoes at the entrance, you couldn’t hold back your smile. The first one you met was Yeosang, who was walking towards the kitchen. You hugged him and kissed his cheek, then you turned around and went to the living room, where San was watching the tv. You sat on the couch next to him and leaned in to kiss him, but he pushed you away without even looking at you. 

《Are you okay?》 you softly asked, worried

《Yeah, sorry, just tired》 he replied, with no emotion whatsoever in his voice

You nodded and sat back right, to give him his space. You weren’t going to move away though, because you wanted him to know that you were there for him if he needed you. He just had to reach out.

After a while you ordered the pizza, and set the table. When the pizzas arrived and you sat down to eat, you noticed that the mood was weird. You tried talking about your day, then you asked them what happened at practice or if anything interesting happened during the time you didn’t manage to see each other. You and Yeosang were having a normal conversation, chuckling from time to time while telling stories, but San kept picking at his pizza without eating properly and without ever joining the conversation, even when the questions were directed at him.

You noticed that Yeosang and a piece of pizza stuck at the corner of his lips, and since you knew how messy of an eater he was, you reached out to clean it for him. As you did it, you heard a loud sound from the other side of the table, and you both looked at San with wide eyes.

《Are you two done?》 he asked, annoyed

《What’s the problem?》 you asked, confused, remembering how he also acted when you wanted to greet him earlier

《You! You are the problem!》 he snapped

You were taken back.

《What did I do?》 you asked, softly 

《Did you forget that you have two boyfriends?》 he asked 《It seems like you only see Yeosang!》

《That’s not true》 Yeosang replied

《Of course you would say that, you’re the one getting all the attention!》

《You’re stressed, you don’t know what you’re saying》 you told San, but he scoffed

He got up from his seat, glaring at you.

《You don’t ask me how I’m doing anymore, you don’t come to the company to see me, you don’t even try to ask me to come home anymore》 he accused you 《And you think I didn’t notice how Yeosang’s coming here all the time and how you two keep spending time without me? You stopped caring about me when we started preparing for this comeback but you’re too coward to say it to my face》

You stood up and walked to him, trying to take his hand in yours. 

《Don’t touch me》 he said, pushing your hand away

《San, please listen to me》 you begged 《It’s not what you think, I still love you》

《Do you really?》 he asked scoffing 《You sure have a shitty way of showing it》

He walked towards the door and you ran after him, begging him to listen to you, but he walked out slamming the door in your face.

《I’ll try to talk to him》 Yeosang said

He kissed your forehead and took his jacket, walking out to try and catch San before he ran away. You sighed, letting the tears fall from your eyes. All you wanted to do was care for your boyfriend without suffocating him, and it ended up with him thinking you wanted to have nothing to do with him anymore. You sat on the couch, crying in your hands. Time passed and you ended up falling asleep there.

In the meantime, San and Yeosang were in the dorms. Yeosang was following San around the place trying to explain the situation, while the others looked at the from afar, confused.

《It’s seriously not what it seems》 he said for the millionth time 《San please stop for a second!》

He grabbed his arm and San finally stopped, glaring at Yeosang.

《You kept staying at the company to practice and she was always worried about you, but because of her work that was stressing her out, worrying about us, about you, was getting at her》 he explained 《I promised her I would keep an eye on you so she could relax for a bit》

《She stopped reaching out at all》 San replied

《She didn’t!》 Yeosang snapped, upset 《She kept calling you and sending you texts but you always ignored her!》

《Every day you dropped me off at the dorm and then you sneaked out to go to her》 he accused him 《Never once you told me you were going, or asked me if I wanted to come along. She’s my girlfriend too but you act like you’re the only two in the relationship!》

《I was going to stay at the dorms with all of you but she needed comfort as well》 Yeosang said 《She is stressed and tired from work and I wanted to help her. And by the way, you could have gone to see her too, you know. As you said, you’re in this relationship as well, you don’t need a fucking invitation to drop by her house. Every time I walked in her apartment I could see she was disappointed because I was always alone. She always hoped you would come too, but you never did. Don’t drop all the blame on her, or me, when you shut everyone out in the first place》

Yeosang didn’t mean to get upset, but San’s behavior was really annoying him. Before San could reply, he walked away to cool off.

In the following days San kept ignoring you. You tried to contact him and even went to the dorms to talk to him, but he blocked your number and locked himself in his room so he wouldn’t have to see you. Yeosang kept coming by your apartment to make you feel better, but the situation was making you miserable and after a while you asked Yeosang to stop coming. You felt weak and sad, and you just wanted to stay home and cry, without Yeosang having to see you in that condition. He tried to talk to San a couple more times, this time trying to be calmer, but he always refused to listen to him so in the end Yeosang gave up.

It had been a week since the argument and that day in the dorms there was only half of the group, since some of them had other schedules. San was locked in his room, and Yeosang was in Seonghwa’s room, talking about the situation. 

Since they knew San had no intention on going out of his room, they decided it was safe for them to call you on the phone. Yeosang already told you that he wanted to ask Seonghwa for advice, so you didn’t take long to answer the phone, already knowing what it was about. You were greeting Seonghwa, when San came out of his room to get something to drink. He heard your voice and walked closer to the older’s room, to eavesdrop.

《How is San?》 you asked

Everyone could tell from your voice that you had cried.

《He’s still locked in his room》 Yeosang said

《Have you tried to call him today?》 Seonghwa asked

《I did, but he still has my number blocked》 you replied

《What about you? How are you?》 Seonghwa asked

《I’m fine》 you replied

《You don’t sound fine》 Yeosang replied 《I really think I should come to your apartment》

《Yeosang don’t》 you begged 《I just want to be alone》

《Be alone and cry all day?》 he said, upset

《Yeosang, let her be》 Seonghwa said, understanding how you felt 

《I just want to comfort her but she’s shutting everyone out just like San did》 he said 《What’s gonna happen to this relationship if everyone acts like this?》

《I already feel like shit on my own Yeosang, I don’t need you to remind me that I’m doing yet another mistake》 you snapped. Your voice broke and Yeosang softened again.

《I’m sorry》 he said, calmly 《You did nothing wrong》

《We need to find a way to fix this》 Seonghwa 《All three of you are hurting and I don’t think any of you can take it much longer》

《I don’t know what to do Seonghwa》 you said 《I love San and Yeosang more than anything in the world but if San doesn’t feel loved than I clearly did something wrong. I though I was being supportive. I though he knew I was there for him always. I apparently I can’t do anything right. I’m a terrible girlfriend and I broke our relationship》

San stood there next to the door, hearing you cry, and he felt himself tear up as well. He didn’t want to listen to more of it. He quickly took his jacket and left the house. You had just gotten off the phone with Yeosang and Seonghwa when you heard a knock on the door. You got up and went to open the door. Once you opened it, you found San in front of you. The sigh was so unexpected that you took a few steps back out of shock. 

《Can I come in?》 he asked

You couldn’t find the words, so you just nodded and let him in.

《I was jealous》 he said 《You were trying to give me space to not over stress me, but I was struggling with myself and I felt it as if you were trying to push me away. I wanted your comfort but I was too proud to ask it, especially when I noticed that you were acting differently with Yeosang. I felt left out and as a result I pushed everyone away, even the one person I wanted more than anyone》

He was looking everywhere but you, too embarrassed to look you in the eyes.

《I’m sorry for how I acted and for holding a grudge for so long》 he said 《It’s not your fault, you’re not a bad girlfriend. I had self doubts and I took it out on you and on our relationship, and I’m so sorry about that. Please forgive me》

You couldn’t help starting to cry again.

《No please don’t cry》 he begged, panicking 《I already made you cry enough》

《I love you San, so much》 you sobbed

Before he could reply you wrapped your arms around him, hugging him tight. He hugged you back, hiding his face in the crook of your neck.

《I’m sorry》 he said again

《It’s okay》 you replied 《Stop apologizing. I’m just happy I can hug you again》

He hugged you even tighter, blaming himself or being so stubborn. 

《Will you take me back?》 he asked

《You never went away San》 you replied 《You may have shut us out, but you’ve always been with us, in our hearts》

《I don’t deserve you》 he mumbled

《Don’t say that》 you scolded him

He stepped back to look at you. 

《Can we call Yeosang and ask him to come here?》 he asked, shy 《I want to cuddle with both of you. I missed you》

《Of course we can》 you replied 《But expect some scolding from him. You made him pretty mad》

《Yeah, I deserve it》 

You tiptoed and pecked his lips, then you went to pick your phone to call Yeosang, as San followed you like a lost puppy.

-

Unfortunately for you, this time their comeback was right around your birthday. When they told you they were having another comeback, you expressed your worry about your birthday being on one of those busy days before the D-day, but they all promised you that they would prepare in time so that they could take the day off and celebrate with you. Right in the moment, they all seemed so confident about it that you felt hopeful and happy. On the day of your birthday, however, you felt everything but happy.

You woke that morning and you were alone in the dorm. You thought that maybe they were going to surprise you, so you waited for them to show up, which they never did. You waited until noon, then decided to send a text in the group chat, asking simply “when are you coming home?”. Since no one replied, or even read the text, you decided to get dressed and go out to have lunch. You ate alone, then had a walk around the city, then went back home and waited for your boyfriends. You spent the rest of the afternoon watching tv and checking your phone every two seconds, only to see that the text hadn’t been seen by any of them. You realized that they might be busy because they were trying to get some free time in the evening, so you decided to welcome them with a homemade meal. You cooked all evening and set the table, sitting down and staring at the door from the kitchen. 

As time passed, you felt more and more exhausted. You felt sad and disappointed. Since you had no one to spend your birthday with, you were looking forward to spending it with the people you loved most, especially since they promised they would be able to be with you. It was almost midnight when you gave up and decided to eat dinner without them, even if it was now cold. At around 1 am your sadness started to be replaced by anger. You threw out all the decorations you had prepared, and put the rest of the food in the fridge. You took a cold shower then finally went to bed in your room, hugging the plushie that San one bought you and silently staining it with your tears.

Half an hour after you managed to fall asleep, the front door opened and the boys dragged themselves in the apartment, exhausted because of the busy day. They all looked around, surprised to see that all the lights in the house were still on. It wasn’t uncommon that they came home when you were already asleep, but you usually just turned all the light off and went to bed. The boys shrugged it off. Some of them went to their rooms, others went to take a bath. Yunho, instead, went to the kitchen to get himself a glass of water. He was drinking peacefully, when he noticed something poking out of the trash can. He went to push it in, but when he opened the lid and noticed the “happy birthday” writing on it, his heart dropped. He took his phone out and checked the date, only to confirm that they did, indeed, miss your birthday. He ran, as quietly as he could, to the other members and told them to gather in the living room. Once they were all together he told them what day it was.

《We missed her birthday…》 San whispered, in disbelief 

《We promised her we would be there for her》 Hongjoong said, groaning

Seonghwa checked his phone, and showed the group chat to the others.

《She texted us only once》 he stated 《She didn’t even try to get us home. You know what it means, right?》

The others nodded.

《She probably feels like a burden》 Yeosang replied 

They all got up and walked to your bedroom. They opened the door and peeked in, only to see your tiny figure wrapped around the big plushie, sleeping peacefully. They closed the door again and started thinking of a plan to make it up to you.

When you woke up the next day, you realized that there was something blocking your movements. You opened your eyes and noticed you had an arm wrapped around your wait. You managed to turn around enough to notice San hugging you in his sleep. He woke up because of your movements, opening his eyes to meet yours. The first thing he noticed was that your eyes were still a bit puffy, sign of the fact that you cried the night before, which made his heart clench. You looked at him trying not to show the fact that you upset, but you found it hard, because looking at him reminded you of the day before, and that memory only made you want to cry.

《Why are you here?》 you asked, without any kind of emotion in your voice

He glanced at the clock and noticed that it was around the time that he had agreed with the members, so he got up and looked at you. 

《Before you ask or say anything else, please come with me》 he said, reaching out his hand

《Why?》 you asked

《Please?》 he begged 《You’ll understand after you come with me》

You sighed in defeat and took his hand. As soon as you stepped out of your bedroom, your were attacked by a strong smell of cookies. You followed San to the living room which was full of birthday decorations again. The boys were all standing around the little table in the middle of the room, where there were cookies, candies and a big cake with candles on it. You were so shocked that you couldn’t move nor speak.

《We’re so sorry about yesterday》 Hongjoong said 《We promised you we would celebrate with you, but we ended up forgetting about it》

《We really didn’t mean to forget》 Wooyoung added, pouting 

《I feel like I don’t even have the right to be upset》 you confessed 《You’re busy working and I feel like I’m doing something bad by asking you to give some of that time》

《You have all the rights to demand our time, and you have all the rights to be upset when you can’t have it》 Seonghwa replied 《We’re often too busy to be able to take care of you properly and trust me when I say that it bothers all of us》

Mingi approached you and wrapped his arms around your waist. 

《We’re always worried that you’ll feel neglected and realized you could do better than us》 he confessed 

《I could never find anyone better than you》 you said to him, caressing his cheek 《And I wouldn’t break up with you for this. It’s not your fault that you’re so busy》

《It is partially our fault》 Jongho said 《We will try harder to spend time with you from now on, and we won’t forget another important day again》

《We’ll do our best to be the boyfriends you deserve》 San added 

《To start, we called our managers and begged for a day off》 Yunho said 《I hope we can still celebrate your birthday, even if it’s one day late》

《It doesn’t matter if it’s late》 you replied, finally smiling 《You’re all here with me, that’s all I care about》

They all rushed to you and squeezed you in a group hug, making you chuckle. For the rest of the day, you ate what they cooked, watched tv, cuddled and played games with them. Even if it didn’t happen on the right day, you knew that this birthday was the best one you had ever had. 

-