Still Untitled... @namesnotlain - Tumblr Blog

Ate very little the past few days. On my drive home today I was consumed by hunger, I ate two bags of jerky in a ravenous fashion. They’re from the farmer’s market, so no cal info is on the bag. This was triggering to me, because I felt I had messed up for the day without knowing the cal total.

I was ready to go to the store and buy b/p food. I resisted. I chugged water. I told myself I can eat all the safe foods I want that I already have at home.

I immediately had a can of beans, the quickest thing I could cook. Still feel hungry but I think it’s mental hunger now. I’m not sure. Really struggling to decide whether or not to cook vegetables and rice.

#Lains disordered brain

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I might stay at this guy’s place over night tonight.

Pretty severe anxiety rn.

What doesn’t kill you makes you….. stranger…..

I bought cinnamon sticks to chew on, in hopes that it will deter me from chewing on the inside of my mouth constantly.

This bad habit is ruining my teeth. If I shine bright light on them, I can see they’re all cracked. And the inside of my mouth is a crazy texture. And it’s causing me to get wrinkles I think.

So yeah, hopefully the cinnamon sticks help.

Down 1.5lbs from the last time I weighed which was Friday. That doesn’t seem correct. Whatever.

Today I ate a few raw vegetables from my garden while checking on the plants, that’s all so far. I really have no appetite today. I should make myself eat something soon.

#Lains disordered brain

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I ate a lot of cottage cheese. No longer a safe food. I’ll need to get the stupid single serving containers.

#Lains disordered brain

YEA I’m “locked in” but what’s the fucking point? It’s not like it will make me happier. Not for any extended period of time. The short lived dopamine of the scale showing a lower number is not worth the suffering.

Ready to feel exhausted, lose sleep, lose a part of my personality, lose my mind over numbers. Day in and day out.

It’s a coping mechanism but I’m not even sure anymore what it is I’m trying to cope with. There’s a comfort in it, but it’s fleeting.

The only positive is that it’s better than a mia phase. The out of control eating and purging. But that will soon return, it’s inevitable. It always does.

So what’s the point?

#Lains disordered brain

Woke up at least 4 times last night. Sleep has been getting worse and worse, this has been happening more frequently. I’ll at least wake up 2 times every night, minimum.

Having to go pee is surely a factor, but I don’t know why I am waking up otherwise. So I don’t know how to fix it.

Having the urge to buy a scale again.

I won’t do it, I can’t do it. It would just make this so much worse.

#Lains disordered brain

Dating this guy is so fucking difficult.

The mental somersaults, emotional rollercoaster, what a whirlwind.

I’ve cried more in the past two weeks than the entirety of last year.

(Not specifically from him, just due to past trauma/PTSD)

#Lains crush

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My friend pointed out the metal bread box thing in my kitchen, said it was cute, asked what it is.

I told her it’s my dry food storage. And opened it. Like a dumbass.

She said, oh, that’s it?

I have a few food cans in there, spices, rice, a winter squash. Yeah, that’s it.

Embarrassing.

#Lains disordered brain

My friends gave me leftovers, I ate them as soon as they left, then threw up.

Sorry friends.

#Lains bully

Watch me race out of the house as soon as they leave to get b/p food from the store. Uggggh this sucks.

#Lains bully

Change of plans, friends are cooking food at their place and bringing it here to eat. Still have no idea what the food is.

Trying to be ok with it. I’ve only had a protein bar so far today. Good amount of physical activity, too. But I’m worried that eating a “normal” amount of “regular” food prepared by someone else will trigger a binge eating episode.

#Lains disordered brain

Reading The Martian by Andy Weir now :)

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Wow I’ve been trying to read this one book for nearly a month, and I’ve still only read 100 pages.

I thought it was my brain, idk rejecting the activity, couldn’t focus on the book, I tried so hard to read it.

Started a different book this morning and already read 20+ pages, can’t wait until I have time to read more.

It was the dang book all along.

I’m going to have dinner with my friends at their place tonight. And I have no idea what the dinner is going to be. Nervous.

Trying to stay calm, it’s going to be a fun time otherwise.

Going to try to eat as little as possible today before the dinner. Should have enough energy from eating a “normal” amount of cals yesterday to get my work done without struggling.

Why does everything have to involve food, urggg

#Lains disordered brain

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