naikaniimi

There’s something wrong with me. 

I can’t really describe it, but when I look at you, I just think of how I’ve changed. There are days when I go home and stare at the mirror, only thinking of how unworthy I am. I cannot write, read, or dream without feeling the pain that pulses through my stomach and lungs. I am hungry, but I don’t want to eat. Tired, but I cannot sleep. Cold, but there is nowhere to go. 

I’ve often pressured myself at times like this. I like to smile when I’m around others, to give the notion that things are okay. I want to be there for others but at the same time, I feel like it’s denser than that. There has always been a whisper that tells me that I need to be happy, or else those around me will not like me. It’s small things like the fact that my name means happiness or the fact that I’ve been told that I hardly frown. Smiling is an action which is simple and easy to execute, and I guess it says a lot more than frowning. 

When I see you these days, I’m not happy. You walk by from afar and unlike the last few years where I’ve looked up with excitement, nowadays, I just bow my head and look away. I can’t bear to think of what you see in me, even through a mere glance. I know I’m not enough for anyone right now, so I’d rather just let you walk by and not see me like this. 

It must just be the daily blues. I know I don’t need help, or can’t afford to ask at the least. The best I can do is just breathe and take a few steps ahead. Appreciate the smell of books and coffee, sip water from a yellow mug, and pretend I have a hand to hold when I’m alone. 

It’s nothing really.