what's on my mind?

good night!

I started the year with so much uncertainty without actually knowing it's gonna be more unpredictable than I can imagine, not just for me, but for the whole world. As I try to reflect what happened for the past six months, I'm....overwhelmed. At the beginning of quarantine, I thought, finally, I have the time to do all the things I wanted to do. And for the first few weeks, I did. I read all the books in my reading list, watch all the shows that I've always wanted to watch, journal, exercise, and all the other things that I've been putting aside back then because I'm too busy outside. My introverted self found peace in staying at home and having minimized interactions with people. But as days months passed by, I got tired of doing those things. Those free time turned into a lot of moments of overthinking. I got demotivated to do the things that I said I wanted to do, and I was just there - staring at the unknown thinking about things. It was overwhelming. The voices in my head were louder. And each day, as the situation becomes more uncertain, I can't help to think about what's next for me. What should I do? What's gonna happen?

I've always been a planner. I like having to-do-lists and future plans. But lately, I'm just letting the day pass by. It's like I lost something to look forward for. I'm not doing a lot of things but I’m exhausted. Like my energy is being drained out and I'm just waiting for all of it to end (the day, the pandemic or me).

It sucks because I feel like I don't deserve to be sad. It's harder for some people out there. I have A LOT of things to be grateful for. And I am. I really am grateful to be on the privileged side. (sorry bc I lost my train of thought ugh will edit nalang??????)

but hey, it will get better. :)

malungkot pa binabasa mo,

malungkot din pinapakinggan mo

“lonely eyes

she had those lonely eyes

I only know ‘cause I have them too

lonely eyes

no, you don’t have to hide

the things you feel inside, i feel it too”

//

Hey. I hope you’re not as sad and lonely as I am right now (coz it sucks). I’m waiting for you.

song on my mind 001

This song has been on loop not just in my spotify but also in my head for the past few days. The lyrics just hits differently. The sound is calming and it feels like it’s talking to me inside my head. The song was able to describe four seasons of my life and concluded how I’m feeling right now. Please listen to the song on my mind. 

When I was a boy just five years of age I picked up a fiddle and started to play Those were The best years of my life

childhood // I barely remember how I was as a child like what are the things that I do and the thoughts on my head. But I’m pretty sure it was waaaaaay easier back then. Yeah, one of the best years of my life. I was carefree. No pressure. No major decisions to make. No difficult feelings to figure out. I’ll play, I’ll watch TV, I’ll study, and all the other simple things in life. I was living at the moment. Taking each day as it is without worrying what will happen the next day...or in the future. 

Picked a guitar back in summer '09 I made my first tune and wrote my first rhyme It wasn't perfect But it was all right I wasn't perfect But I was all right

high school // This is where I’m both ‘chill’ but at the same time slowly figuring things out. Summer ‘09 2010 my parents separated. I’m not sure if I really understood the situation back then but I can still remember that day. My mom talked to me and my brothers to tell us that she’s ‘moving out’. It was only after a few months where i accidentally saw the annulment papers at home that I was finally able to understand that it’s real. They are really separating. But it was all right. There’s also high school drama. Petty fights with high school friends (which would still end up in reconciliation), crushes, and well, immature relationships. But as the song said, I wasn’t perfect but I was all right. 

It began to feel different when I hit 18 Made some new plans, set aside all my dreams and I Can't get away from the push and the pull Of the waves crashing over my body and soul

college // This is a big turning point in my life. It began to feel different when I hit 18 college. Made some new plans, set aside new dreams. This has been a very eventful season. There were so many things to do, expectations to reach, and people to please. It was the season where I learned to set goals for myself. This is where I learned responsibility and commitment. I grew so much in this season. But just like in high school, it wasn’t perfect. But it was all right. I wasn’t perfect. I had my own share of shortcomings and disappointments. But I was all right. 

23 and I'm not going back All I carry with me are these memories intact It's hard to move on when I'm stuck in the past It's hard to move on when I'm stuck When I'm stuck When I'm -

adulting // 23 22 and I’m not going back. All I carry with me are these memories intact. I miss it. I miss it every single day. I did a lot of things, made a lot of memories, achieved and struggled so much in that season. It’s hard to move on when I’m stuck in the past. Most of the time I just wanted to go back. Less than one year in this ‘adulting’ season and I feel like I’m just overwhelmed most of the time. Always feeling inadequate and afraid of messing up. Sometimes I think the reason why I don’t want to face adulting is because I’m still stuck in the past. And maybe I am. College was one of the most meaningful years of my life. It was hard but it was damn fulfilling. It was such a good season that I don’t want to let it go. 

Still haven’t found what I’m looking for Still haven’t found what I’ve lost Still haven’t found what I’m looking for Still haven’t found what I’ve -

Two days ago my aunt and I were talking about work/career. She asked how am I, and well if you’ve read my previous post, you know that I’m not really feeling positive about work lately. I was conflicted if I should give a default ‘okay naman’ answer but I know it’s a big lie to myself. It’s not even close to okay these past few days - my existential crisis was at its peak. I’m filled with dread as I wake up in the morning knowing that I have to do work that I don’t enjoy. I keep on telling myself that my job is something to be grateful for especially in this time of crisis but...how do you even force yourself to like something you can’t find meaning on? 

I tried to answer her honestly but with a mix of humor so it doesn’t look serious but deep in my heart I just want to say how much it has been sucking every positive energy I have in me. They’ve always known me as a positive and determined person. Whenever I try to give them a glimpse of my low energy, my struggles, my hurts, they think it’s not that serious. I’ll get over it. Of course I appreciate them believing in me, but sometimes it makes me wonder if they really understand how bad I feel or how much I’m hurting on certain days. 

“Kaya mo ‘yan.” 

Kinakaya. Kasi sabi niyo eh. 

Part of our conversation was when she was telling me that I should still stay in my current job for at least 2-3 years, build my career, and then find a good company like where she is working right now. I’m not sure if it’s just because of all the bottled frustrations I have for the past few days that I blurted out that I don’t want to be an accountant anymore. Well, I don’t really mean it in its entirety, not really. It’s not like I regret everything I did just to get that CPA title. I just mean that I don’t want this kind of job anymore. And that I don’t see myself being in this field in the long run. I just want to pursue a different path. 

She was a bit surprised. Then she asked me, what’s my dream? What do I want to pursue? I haven’t really told a lot of people that I want to be a lawyer. Even if I’m already planning on applying to law schools next year, I haven’t really shared it to them (my family) except for my dad. I may have mentioned it a few times but not really on a serious and certain tone. For a second there I know the answer to her question, but I got scared. 

I’ve been hesitant on letting them know that I want to pursue law because I’m scared. I’m scared that they won’t understand or that they won’t see how sure I am that I really want it. As a people-pleaser, I’ve always valued their opinions. And I’m scared that they will doubt me on this, or that they will be disappointed with me since I’m pursuing a different thing. I’ve seen it. 

Before I started my job, I’ve been updating them on which firm I’ll be working. But when I revealed to them that I’m not pursuing Audit and that I chose Consulting, I’ve seen it. 

“Ay.” The disappointed tone was very evident and it crushed me. I doubted myself and I even thought of retracting my choice. Whenever I make decisions I’ve always considered other people’s opinions. I’m quite indecisive. Most of the time, I second-guess myself. And when people make you feel as if you’re making the wrong choice, it hurts. Choosing Consulting was my own choice. I may not be enjoying it now but I still don’t regret making that decision. 

So the question is: Who do I want to be? Do I want to be the person that I dreamed myself to be or the person that they want me to be? 

For others, this is simple. Do what makes you happy. Don’t let others stop you on pursuing your dreams. It’s your life. But hey, they are part of my life. Their support has always been a source of encouragement. There may be days where I’m hurt and struggling on meeting those unsaid expectations, but they’re family. I can’t change that, and even if given a chance, I don’t think I would. They’re still one of my biggest blessings in life. 

So what’s on my mind? When I first thought of the question of who do I want to be, I’m so torn. Should I pursue what I really want to do - the path where I know my heart will be fulfilled and be genuinely joyful? Or be the person that they want me to be - one that they can be proud of? But, what if I’m just overthinking? I haven’t even shared to them a slightest idea of what I want to pursue and my reasons because I’m scared of the response I’ll get. I already assumed that they won’t understand. I haven’t even asked: What kind of person do they want me to be? 

I’ve been trying to keep myself busy and do a lot of things so that I don’t have to deal with my negative emotions. And I’ve been doing it so well for the past years. I’ve been juggling myself between academics, org responsibilities, and other extra-curricular. I was doing so well there (or at least I think I did).

Then that season ended. I graduated, passed the board exam, and enter this new season most people would call “adulting”. I have to go to the next level, the next playing field. And everything was so damn unfamiliar. 

More than six months in my first job and I’ve always felt like I’m walking on eggshells -- trying to get through each task and waiting for the other shoe to drop. And the more I get through it, the more anxiety it gives me. And the more I feel like I’m gonna mess up the next time around. And I don’t want this feeling....and this job. 

First of all, it’s not so bad. Everything is so flexible, my officemates and superiors are very nice and casual, work-life balance is being practiced, and the work itself is...interesting. I just feel like it’s not for me. This is so hard to explain and I keep on telling myself that maybe it’s too early to tell, but I can’t really find myself enjoying it. I can’t feel a sense of fulfillment. Is this wrong? 

This leads me to wanting another path: to be a lawyer. It has always been an option but I used to doubt whether I really want it. But since the beginning of the year, I feel like I’m becoming more certain that I want to pursue it. I’ve been spending time trying to understand about the profession, the people in it, the process, and all other things related to it. The more I look into it, the more the dream grows in my heart. When I aspired to be an accountant, I can’t really remember exactly when it started and why but I still ended up pursuing it and I appreciated it more along the way. 

The dream of becoming a lawyer excites me. It gives me something to look forward to. In my six months working, it’s like I’ve been living day by day without any sense of direction and purpose. I just need to get through the day, through the week, through the month, and so on. After I passed the CPA Board Exam, I was caught off guard and didn’t know what to do next. 

A tweet from @payformycoffee perfectly explains how I’ve been feeling: 

“lately, it’s been feeling like a really long day that doesn’t really end; you wake up to find yourself living the same day you did yesterday; staying at home and knowing that tomorrow will be exactly the same”

But the dream of becoming a lawyer, a lawyer for someone who needs one, inspires me. It pushes me to keep going. But I just want to say that I don’t regret being where I am right now. I don’t regret this current job that I have. And while I am still here, I guess there is still so much for me to discover and learn. I can’t enter law school yet since I have a bond with my current employer but hopefully, if the Lord wills, I'll apply next year. I’ll be waiting.  

I’ve been trying to write here for years but I always end up abandoning it then deleting everything when I get back (which is obviously what I did again). I wonder when will I really be able to commit to this?

So why am I back here again? 

Lately, I have a lot of things in my head. Personal issues, thoughts on the things that are happening in the world (particularly, in our country), dreams, and some other stuff that I can’t put into words. And I’ve always kept it to myself ever since. 

As years pass by, I feel like I’m becoming more and more introverted than I ever could be. I don’t want to question my relationship with the people around me. I genuinely appreciate them as family and friends but I just can’t find myself sharing with them how I feel, my thoughts, and everything that I want to get out of my head. I overthink A LOT and I feel like it might be too burdensome, or they can be uninterested, or their too busy, and some other excuses that I can think of. Is it bad? 

That’s why I’m here. I need an outlet. I’ve always struggled on putting my thoughts into words because as ugly as I have to admit, I’m insecure. I admire people who can write their thoughts well. I’ve read blogs, subscribed to newsletters, and only wish for myself that I hope I can express myself too the way they can. In our language, sana all. 

But why? Why do I want to be good in writing? The answer is because I want to write for the people around me. I want to write because there will be people who will read my thoughts. That’s why I want it to be good. That’s why I always overthink what I write. So why do I write for them? 

I want to write because I want people to know me. I want them to understand what’s on my mind, how I feel, who am I. Keeping everything inside my head for years has been a lonely journey. I want to be found.

No one understands because no one knows. No one knows because no one asks. How am I? Sometimes I would give you my usual “I’m okay” because it’s the easier answer even if I’m not. And in case you find here how I really feel, please ask me again.