curiosity killed the kitty.

Mood stabilizers were made to stabilize your mood, right? I mean, obviously.. what else would they be taken for?

Maybe I should’ve kept taking them. Maybe when I saw my psychiatrist last, I shouldn’t have lied and told her I was taking them. Maybe if I told the truth like I did that other time, she could actually help me.

Well, I learned my lesson. Or did I? I told myself this before and yet i find myself in the same situation except this time I’m like  / r e a l l y /  telling myself “Fuck, dude. You just had to take them and we wouldn’t be writing this blog post right now.” I feel like no one would know what I’m actually feeling unless you’re in my shoes. And if you are- please just take the damn meds.

The thing is, I’ve been taking pills for the past 16 years of my life. Not a day goes by where I didn’t swallow a (prescribed) drug. It’s got to the point in my life where 0.5mg of Xanax twice a day won’t calm me down all the time, 300mg of Trazodone won’t put me to sleep, 1,000mg of Tylenol won’t cure my pain, and I can still write an essay and get an A while induced with Hydrocodone. Besides that boring, sad fact, I really am just tired of pills. With the amount of pills I have to take daily, I just wish it could all be in a shot for my to drink and I’ll just chase it down with something. 

I’m honestly scared that as I get older, these medications will stop working. Especially my “brain medz”. What if I get so use to them that the mood stabilizers stop stabilizing my mood, the Xanax and anti-anxiety pills stop giving me peace, the sleepy meds don’t put me into R.E.M. anymore, my stimulants won’t keep me from being depressed? What if it all stopped instantly working? How would I ever feel that euphoria feeling ever again? My therapist would probably say something like, we have to internally work on it ourselves or something. That’s true. She has helped me with some of that stuff, not gonna lie. But that doesn’t take away the fact that I am in fact, so fucking tired of medication.

Okay Natasha, just take your meds. You know what’s crazy about mood stabilizers? It’s that if when I do take them as prescribed, I do start to feel A LOT better, but then that’s the thing. I start to feel so much better that I start to believe I don’t need them anymore. THEN that’s when it hits. I start to fall down into an emo version of myself (I’m not suicidal anymore, though) and I start to overthink everything. Life starts to feel pointless even with everything I love and strive for in front of me. I start to become numb at one point, still reminded of why I’m living, the thought of me still wanting to live, yet just not knowing what I’m doing with my life anymore. 

At moments I just want to quit my job, stay at home, and be dependent on someone keeping a roof over my head, food on the table, and clothes on my body. But then I tell myself that that’s not how life is suppose to be. As much as I want to quit everything and just wait for my boyfriend to come home so I can cuddle and bug him, my anxiety strikes and that’s where it becomes so contradicting. I start getting so anxious that I won’t find the opportunities that I have now so I can’t just stop and quit everything because everything I did to get where I am now will just vanish and go to someone else! I honestly can’t even think of being depressed without getting too anxious. And yet it has happened before though, so fair warning- if you sense it happening.. CALL MY PSYCHIATRIST (or tell my boyfriend so he can try to talk to me?).

Here’s the thing that’s different about me, I am  / v e r y /  aware of my symptoms and actions. If I’m not, then that’s another story to tell.. If I’m not aware of my symptoms and actions then I’m in a manic state which is MAYDAY MAYDAY SOMEONE CALL MY PSYCHIATRIST AND TELL HER I’M NOT TAKING MY MEDS. No seriously, especially because I have money in my bank now.. you’re gonna have to do that if I am in my bipolar manic state. Where was I? Oh, right. I’m aware of my symptoms and actions. Which really help my psychiatrist and therapist figure me out when I’m having a session with them. Siiiiiiiiiiigh,

I just need to take my meds.

Or I can hold off until Thursday since that’s when I see my psychiatrist and possibly talk to her about what I just wrote on this blog post.

Wish me luck,

I don’t know how to end these posts anymore.

long time no see. i know it’s been a while. a LONG while. who even uses this platform anymore? genuinely curious.

anyway, i was looking for a specific email in my inbox but what popped up with similar words were a handful of blog posts i wrote on wordpress. i had them sent to myself just in case i ever forgot my password to that site. luckily, i’ll never forget this account. after deleting my tumblr account like what, three times? i decided to keep this fourth one and surprisingly, i didn’t delete it- i just let it sit here. 

reading those wordpress blogs made me realize how much i use to pour my heart and soul into writing. because physically, if i wrote everything on pen and paper my hand would fall off. it started in middle school from what i remember. from writing in a journal, to blogging on xanga, to blogging on tumblr, to blogging on wordpress because i didn’t want to be judged on tumblr for starting to cuss, drink, and talk about my mental health issues, and then back for a few moments on tumblr again. i get it now, why i loved to write- it was because i felt like i had no one to talk to about how i felt about these situations i’m in. not like it really mattered though, since i didn’t really give much thought about who would even see my posts.

i went through my tumblr posts too, even my drafts. i have so many entries in each! i was not too shocked, but the way i wrote triggered some deep emotions, traumas, anger, confusion, love, and hell- some of them i don’t even know who the fuck i was talking about anymore lol. i guess that’s a good thing, from what i could sense i was hurt in those posts anyway.

now, three years later from the last time i was actively on tumblr, i craved my way back into writing. my last and most recent post on my page is about a boy i met, completely fell in love with, and still am in love with today. he is everything i ever prayed for. he treats me right, he respects me, he supports me, he doesn’t run away when i’m at my worst, my family and friends absolutely love him- and so much more. at times, i catch myself crying tears of happiness at because i have never felt this kind of love before. someone who genuinely loves me for being me, not wanting to change something or influence me to like what he likes (except for being a clippers fan lmao). someone who wants to grow, experience, and explore things with me. someone who doesn’t mind all the physical and mental conditions i have, and would rather help me find my way through it even during my darkest days. he hasn’t left me. we are, indeed, in a very healthy relationship.

shit, sometimes (very often, actually) i wish i wrote every significant moment that touched my heart with him to turn this blog around to an epic love story. lol.

and lastly, hoping i haven’t dozed you off yet, for the past 4 years i’ve been going to therapy. which probably explains why i haven’t been blogging on here as often. no more posts about crushes, boys, and heartbreaks- because as mentioned, i have met an amazing partner. no more anger or sad posts- because i verbally do all of that in therapy. therapy saved me, honestly. but that’s for another story. maybe i’ll come back to tell you that one.

if you read this far, just know i am thankful that you’re someone in life who cares about be.

When you’re not looking for someone, everything comes naturally. Never have I felt so comfortable, safe, secure, beautiful, happy, and cared for as much as he does for me. Never in my life have I thought that this could happen so fast. Years of brick walls and a closed mind, I let him in and was not afraid to feel vulnerable. Even with the situation we’re in, we keep finding ways to make all of this stay. Patience is a virtue.

I’ve just been feeling pure bliss. ✨

I haven’t been this content with my life in a while. I feel genuinely happy and free. I am seeing and embracing everything that people have sworn they see in me, and I can’t believe I was so blinded by it all.