I mean, obviously.
Mood stabilizers were made to stabilize your mood, right? I mean, obviously.. what else would they be taken for?
Maybe I should’ve kept taking them. Maybe when I saw my psychiatrist last, I shouldn’t have lied and told her I was taking them. Maybe if I told the truth like I did that other time, she could actually help me.
Well, I learned my lesson. Or did I? I told myself this before and yet i find myself in the same situation except this time I’m like / r e a l l y / telling myself “Fuck, dude. You just had to take them and we wouldn’t be writing this blog post right now.” I feel like no one would know what I’m actually feeling unless you’re in my shoes. And if you are- please just take the damn meds.
The thing is, I’ve been taking pills for the past 16 years of my life. Not a day goes by where I didn’t swallow a (prescribed) drug. It’s got to the point in my life where 0.5mg of Xanax twice a day won’t calm me down all the time, 300mg of Trazodone won’t put me to sleep, 1,000mg of Tylenol won’t cure my pain, and I can still write an essay and get an A while induced with Hydrocodone. Besides that boring, sad fact, I really am just tired of pills. With the amount of pills I have to take daily, I just wish it could all be in a shot for my to drink and I’ll just chase it down with something.
I’m honestly scared that as I get older, these medications will stop working. Especially my “brain medz”. What if I get so use to them that the mood stabilizers stop stabilizing my mood, the Xanax and anti-anxiety pills stop giving me peace, the sleepy meds don’t put me into R.E.M. anymore, my stimulants won’t keep me from being depressed? What if it all stopped instantly working? How would I ever feel that euphoria feeling ever again? My therapist would probably say something like, we have to internally work on it ourselves or something. That’s true. She has helped me with some of that stuff, not gonna lie. But that doesn’t take away the fact that I am in fact, so fucking tired of medication.
Okay Natasha, just take your meds. You know what’s crazy about mood stabilizers? It’s that if when I do take them as prescribed, I do start to feel A LOT better, but then that’s the thing. I start to feel so much better that I start to believe I don’t need them anymore. THEN that’s when it hits. I start to fall down into an emo version of myself (I’m not suicidal anymore, though) and I start to overthink everything. Life starts to feel pointless even with everything I love and strive for in front of me. I start to become numb at one point, still reminded of why I’m living, the thought of me still wanting to live, yet just not knowing what I’m doing with my life anymore.
At moments I just want to quit my job, stay at home, and be dependent on someone keeping a roof over my head, food on the table, and clothes on my body. But then I tell myself that that’s not how life is suppose to be. As much as I want to quit everything and just wait for my boyfriend to come home so I can cuddle and bug him, my anxiety strikes and that’s where it becomes so contradicting. I start getting so anxious that I won’t find the opportunities that I have now so I can’t just stop and quit everything because everything I did to get where I am now will just vanish and go to someone else! I honestly can’t even think of being depressed without getting too anxious. And yet it has happened before though, so fair warning- if you sense it happening.. CALL MY PSYCHIATRIST (or tell my boyfriend so he can try to talk to me?).
Here’s the thing that’s different about me, I am / v e r y / aware of my symptoms and actions. If I’m not, then that’s another story to tell.. If I’m not aware of my symptoms and actions then I’m in a manic state which is MAYDAY MAYDAY SOMEONE CALL MY PSYCHIATRIST AND TELL HER I’M NOT TAKING MY MEDS. No seriously, especially because I have money in my bank now.. you’re gonna have to do that if I am in my bipolar manic state. Where was I? Oh, right. I’m aware of my symptoms and actions. Which really help my psychiatrist and therapist figure me out when I’m having a session with them. Siiiiiiiiiiigh,
I just need to take my meds.
Or I can hold off until Thursday since that’s when I see my psychiatrist and possibly talk to her about what I just wrote on this blog post.
Wish me luck,
I don’t know how to end these posts anymore.
For whoever reads this, please just know that I know I’ll be okay. It could be seasonal depression, it could even just be the rain, but trust me when I say that I still want to be alive. I just mentally (and physically) need the world to pause, let me do my thing, and then resume.


















