michelle

i sometimes post tmi things which are inappropriate for minors

stats !

age: 19

gw: 63kg

cw: 63.7kg (oct 28)

lw: 55kg (2021)

h: 164cm

i support and encourage recovery. this blog is a safe space for me and i am aware that it may be a trigger paradise for some other people.

the room i moved in is prone to spiders, so i went through all 5 stages of grief trying to cope with vacuuming them and with the thought of living with them. i'm okay right now (ish).

i got one of those smart scales that you can connect to your phone and it tells you your muscular mass and shit. apparently, according to the app, i need to lose 8kg to be at my "ideal weight for my age and height" so i'm going to set it as my gw for now (i think it was 57kg? or 58? idk i'm a bit tipsy rn, hence all the yapping in this post)

i've used this whole moving occasion to not buy any food for myself, except some mango and apples. i've had quite a big meal yesterday that i purged in the restaurant bathroom afterwards (at least as much as i could to stop the guilt). on monday i also celebrated my bf and i's anniversary with some takeout, but to be fair i managed to eat the meal i ordered over the span of 2 days so i'm pretty happy with that.

tonight was so bad with the cravings. there's this amazing chicken teriyaki pizza, and i probably would've given both my kidneys and my liver for a slice of that. i chugged a can of beer in the meantime and at least i'm not as hungry anymore (yay carbs). 100% the craving will be gone tomorrow but damn some pizza would hit rn. why does food have to have calories. god forbid i want to have something tasty without consequences

I miss my skinnier self. While packing i stumbled upon some size 2 clothes and it genuinely made me so sad that i can't wear them anymore (at least not for now). Also a bit depressing since now i sit at a very comfortable size 8.

I miss the cute outfits i used to have. Everything was so much more forgiving when i was skinnier, now if i want to look cute when i go out, i have to really put in effort.

I'm a bit drunk and i still need to pack quite a few things

It's funny how easy it is to trigger myself into starving again. I didn't really have an appetite a few days ago, i was pretty busy during the day, then i went out for drinks and spent the whole evening/night drinking while barely eating anything. I have barely ate ever since, and it's been 4 days.

I'm also moving out of my current apartment and it's stressing me out. There's so much to focus on that i barely feel like eating anymore, just smoking and pacing around panicking hahha.