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Hello friends we need to talk about this twitter account:
You might know him from a thread where he was getting wowed by free appetisers in a Mexican restaurant.
Firstly: He is doing a bit pretending to be a wandering samurai. It's a joke and his posts are all made up. This is very obvious if you actually look at his account and website:
He does purport to be Japanese but based on some of the other content he posts there's reason to believe he's British.
Which brings me to my second point: his Samurai content is interspersed with posts like this:
The chips and salsa thread went viral in June and his website seems to have gone live in July. This confirms what I suspected which is that said website with it's explicit disclaimers was made in response to the big viral hit.
Consequently, back when he first blew up it was potentially a bit harder to figure out that his stories are fictional. That said, the New York Times worked it out so I'm comfortable accusing outlets who ran the story describing him as a Japanese world cup tourist of legitimately terrible journalism.
Yeah this is also the guy from the truck thread going around. That's what prompted this post and in retrospect I should have said so explicitly.
He claims he just uses AI to translate his posts from Japanese. He also says the art on his website isn't AI generated. I think he is full of shit on both counts.
I only gave a couple of examples but even on a brief look through his twitter it was apparent that he posts a LOT about UK politics to the point where he's quite patently British. He is a Restore supporter which is a party that split away from mainstream far right party Reform due to feeling they weren't right wing enough.
It might not surprise you to hear he does not seem to know shit about Japan? Both the salsa story and the truck story failed the smell test for people who are familiar with Japan. There's also a story about going to a potluck where he seemingly couldn't come up with a single Japanese dish for the character to cook??
Yeah his whole bit is racist and it is troubling that so many people took a guy badly roleplaying as a medieval samurai to be a 21st century Japanese tourist.
reminder that ao3 does not recommend typing directly onto their site. the site doesnβt automatically save works for you. if the site crashes, if your wifi gets disconnected, if you lose power, if thereβs a glitch, you risk losing everything youβve typed down. type your work elsewhere. safe your work elsewhere. then copy and paste it onto ao3
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hey did you know??? that if you stop stretching and maintaining mobility in your body then it goes away?? things get tight and you can't move the way that you used to??? and when you decide to try getting a stretch routine going that the first week fucking sucks because you keep going 'damn i used to be able to do this no problem' and then you have to switch gears and be kind to yourself and just focus on getting better from here instead of berating yourself for dropping the good habits in the first place??? and your body never stops aging so you gotta keep taking care of it and sometimes you gotta take care of it extra in certain areas because of things that happened when you were younger and it's boring and sometimes hurts but it's so necessary???
i am yelling this at myself right now i am going through An Experience (trying to get into a routine of body maintenance again for my physical and mental health)
Summary: Sam and Max visit a luxurious party with the purpose of retrieving a mysterious document. However, things will change when suddenly a murder takes place! Sam and Max have to solve their first murder mystery case
Important Note
This is a fanfic written out of love for the franchise, I am NOT making any profit out of it. The characters belong to Steve Purcell. If there are any issues, the fic can be deleted no problem.
While it has a script format it is NOT intended for an actual play of any sort.
Format
Yes, it is a script format, it is definitely not the most ideal format for a fanfic. I totally get not everyone would want to read this silly story, but with how dialogue heavy it is, I genuinely think this is the best way to tell the story. It is also simply just made for fun.
Tumblr has messed up the format a lot, the text is all together now instead of centered, and it would take far too much time to edit everything, so i have chosen to make all text into a smaller format, since that seems to separate the text more than on regular format. I was considering not releasing this story at all and just keep it for myself only because the format sucks so much on Tumblr, but I have seen a bunch of people that were genuinely curious to read it, so I decided to post it.
The story is divided in 6 chapters, but the chapters are divided in two different posts due to lenght restrinctions on Tumblr.
Lenght
For the whole story, all chapters combined: 55k words
Content warning
The characters sometimes see and hear things that arenβt real, some sort of hallucinations, this could trigger unreality for some.
Hope you enjoy it! Or at least I hope it doesn't suck too much. It does but I had fun.
Extra note. Chapter 1 includes the most amount of images, the rest will be more script-heavy, but I hope the visuals of the first chapter gives you an idea of the look of the story.
-------------------------------------------
Chapter 1 (part 1-you're here-, part 2)
Chapter 2 (part 1, part 2)
Chapter 3 (part 1, part 2)
Chapter 4 (part 1, part 2)
Chapter 5 (part 1, part 2)
Chapter 6 (part 1, part 2)
-------------------------------------------
CHAPTER 1 (Part 1)
EXT. PARK. DAY.
Kid versions of Sam and Max meet for the first time. Kid Max carries a lunch bag and gives it to Sam.
MAX
This is yours, right? That dumb kid took it from you.
SAM
Uh... yeah, it's mine.
MAX
Well, here, take it.
SAM
Did you beat him up?
MAX
Yeah! He cried and begged for his mommy!
SAM
That's awesome, I wish I could have seen that.
MAX
I can beat him up again if you want to!
SAM
Nah, maybe another day, I'm tired.
MAX
Oh okay.
SAM
Do you want half of my sandwich?
MAX
Thought youβd never ask!
They sit to eat the sandwiches.
MAX
Wait, does this have tuna?
SAM
Yeah?
MAX
Oh, Iβm allergic to tuna.
SAM
Oh no!
MAX
I'm just kidding.
SAM
Oh.
Fades to black.
SAM
You crack me up, little buddy!
MAX
β¦ Thatβs not a good sign.
SAM
Huh?
INT. SAM AND MAXβS OFFICE. NIGHT.
Sam and Max stand in their respective desks. Itβs close to 8PM and they havenβt gotten a case all day. Or even all week. Theyβre both bored out of their minds.
MAX
You only ever say that after weβre done with our job for the day.
SAM
What? No, I donβt, I say it all the time.
MAX
But ESPECIALLY when we are done.
SAM
So what?
MAX
So it means we havenβt done anything all week! Itβs Saturday and weβre two men with no plans of any kind! Doesnβt that break your big little heart?
SAM
I suppose youβre right, itβs been a while since weβve gotten a case. I wonder how weβre not going to pay our taxes this month.
MAX
Weβll have to think of something new.
SAM
Letβs just go home. Iβm sure the phone will not ring just when weβre about to give up hope.
Sam and Max stare at their phone in silence for a few seconds. Anticipating for it to ring.
MAX
β¦ Iβm sure it wonβt.
SAM
Mhmβ¦
They keep staring, but nothing happens, so they just move on.
SAM
Well, letβs-
The phone rings. Sam and Max stare at each other.
INT. SAM AND MAXβS OFFICE. NIGHT. 2 SECONDS LATER.
Maxβs body lays inert in one of their windows, Sam has thrown him there to grab the phone. Sam answers the phone without a care.
SAM
Yeah? Oh hello, Commissioner! Yeah, we knew you would call, never lost faith.
EXT. DESOTO
Sam drives the Desoto, Max sits next to him. Theyβre going to an unknown destination.
MAX
Sam, I had a bit of glass on my ears when you explained the case before, so I donβt really know what weβre supposed to be doing.
SAM
You donβt need an excuse, Max, I know you werenβt paying attention.
MAX
Yes, it could be that too, but weβll never knowβ¦
SAM
Anyway, it appears that unlike you and I, a bunch of the biggest most powerful people of our city do have plans for tonight! They are attending a glamorous party at the ridiculously big mansion of millionaire Manny Money.
MAX
Huh, Iβve never heard of him. Then again, I donβt care about people richer than me.
SAM
You donβt have any money, Max.
MAX
Yeah?
SAM
Well, it seems that Manny has gathered more than inherited money, he has an important document that we need to retrieve! The Commissioner didnβt have much information, but it seemed important, too important for a millionaire to have.
MAX
Thatβs fair! It will definitely be safer with us. Letβs go!
SAM
You seem excited.
MAX
I havenβt crashed a party in a while! I can barely hold my excitement.
SAM
Aw, thatβs cute.
MAX
Can we switch sits? I want to drive there.
SAM
Youβre not cute enough to convince me to let you do that.
EXT. EXTERIOR OF MANNY MONEYβS MANSION. NIGHT.
Sam parks the night nearby the mansion. The sun is down and there is snow everywhere, itβs a cold winter night. We see Manny Moneyβs mansion in the distance. Itβs absurdly big and tall.
SAM
Well, here we are, at Manny Moneyβs mansion.
MAX
Sam, I canβt help but worry about the fact that weβre technically not invited to this wealthy get-togetherβ¦
SAM
Youβre worried?
MAX
I worry that we might have to THINK of a plan! Canβt I just fight the guard?
SAM
You donβt worry your cute little head about it, Max, Iβll think of something.
MAX
Can I fight the guard though?
SAM
We donβt know if there is a guard yet.
MAX
But could I fight them?
SAM
Not yet.
MAX
Alright, then, Iβm breaking a window.
SAM
Wait, Max-!
Max grabs a nearby rock and throws it at a window without much thought and a lot of strength. Instead of hitting a window, he hits a bat that was flying around.
SAM
Oh jesus, Maxβ¦
MAX
(Alarmed)
Itβs not my fault! It was on the way! ...Is it breathing?
SAM
It seems so.
The bats is not moving, but it is breathing. Sam notices the bat appears to be purple, for some strange reason. But Sam has seen weirder things, so he doesnβt question it too much.
MAX
Do bats breathe?
SAM
For the last time, Max, bats are just regular animals.
MAX
Iβm not convinced yet, nothing that cool can be normal.
SAM
We better take care of this creature until it wakes up.
MAX
Or as long as itβs convenient for us.
SAM
Well, obviously.
MAX
May I keep the bat in my own inventory?
SAM
Where is your inventory?
MAX
None of your damn business.
SAM
I think itβs best if I keep the little bat until it gets better.
MAX
Whatever.
SAM
Letβs just find the entrance for now.
EXT. MANNY MONEYβS ENTRANCE GARDEN
Sam and Max have been walking for a few minutes, due to the extensive length of the garden. Sam is shivering.
SAM
Brr my hands are freezing.
MAX
(Smiling tenderly)
Saaam, you donβt need an excuse to ask me to hold hands!
SAM
You want to hold hands?
MAX
(His smile drops)
No way. You know I hate that.
SAM
Can I at least hold you until I feel warmer?
MAX
(He smiles widely again)
Sure!
Sam notices they have finally reached the entrance of the mansion. A security guard stands on the door. The duo approaches him.
SAM
Hey there.
The security guard looks them. Sam is holding Max like a plushie, while Max smiles, neither of them considering this might be a strange first introduction.
SECURITY GUARD
...
MAX
See, Sam? I told you there would be a guard!
Sam ignores Max and speaks to the guard.
SAM
Sorry for the waiting, fashionably late and all of that, but weβre here now.
SECURITY GUARD
...Oh of course, sirs, welcome to- Hey wait a minute! You almost fooled me for a second, you two are not on the list!
Sam tries to think of a good excuse.
SAM
Uh... yes we are.
MAX
Nice plan, Sam.
SAM
Quiet, pinhead. Look, I think you might want to check your list again, preferably for a while so you donβt look when two guys try to sneak behind you.
SECURITY GUARD
Nice try but I have studied this list enough to know youβre-... Hold on a second.
The security guard proceeds to rapidly check all the pages on his list. When he finishes, he looks back angrily at the duo.
SECURITY GUARD
...That youβre DEFINITELY lying!
SAM
Oookay...
MAX
Sam, heβs reminding me of painful high school exams memories, can I break his kneecaps yet?
SAM
Not yet, little buddy.
MAX
Also, maybe you should let go of me for now.
SAM
Oh yeah, sorry.
Sam letβs go of Max. Sam goes back to trying to convince the guard to let them in.
SAM
You said we fooled your for a second, do we really look that much like millionaires?
SECURITY GUARD
Of course not.
MAX
Phew, thatβs a relief.
SECURITY GUARD
But the little rabbit looks awfully close to one of the guests of the list. Here, take a look.
The guest list includes pictures of the guests. One of them looks identical to Max, except he wears a fancy suit and has a mustache.
MAX
He does look freakishly similar to me.
SAM
Youβre way creepier though.
MAX
(smiles tenderly)
Aww!
Sam quickly thinks of a good excuse.
SAM
Mhmm⦠Oh, Max! That must be that uncle of yours that you told me about!
MAX
What? I donβt have-
Sam throws him a glare.
MAX
...Oh yes! That must be him! Thatβs why we are here! He invited me to finally meet my partner!
SECURITY GUARD
(Confused)
I didnβt hear anything about that.
MAX
Yeah, we keep getting re-married, itβs hard to keep up.
SECURITY GUARD
I donβt knowβ¦
SAM
Well, you canβt deny they look identical, can you?
SECURITY GUARD
I suppose not⦠Sigh, fine. You can go in. Talking to you two for any longer sounds exhausting.
MAX
(Smiles evily)
Thanks, sucker!
SECURITY GUARD
What?
SAM
(Nonchalantly)
Thanks, sucker.
INT. MANNY MONEYβS MANSION (ENTRANCE HALLWAY)
SAM
Alright, for now, letβs try to blend in. Talk to the guests to find any important information. But keep it casual-
Max runs to the first guest he sees.
MAX
Hi! Weβre rich just like you!
SAM
Sigh.
The guest is a young woman (mid 20s) with a confident smile and a glamorous dress. The duo will soon find out she knows a lot of gossip.
SAM
Hey⦠This sure is a nice party, huh?
GOSSIP GUEST
Oh, you bet! I canβt believe how fast Manny Money has organized it despite the short time! And the divorce, and his company crashing and burning as we speakβ¦ I guess he really needed this party, huh?
Sam and Max stare at her in silence.
SAM
You know, normally my partner and I go through a dialogue tree and a tedious amount of object hunting to get the information we need, but youβre just giving us those unfortunate news about Mr Money like an old classmate in a highschool reunion.
GOSSIP GUEST
What can I say? Thatβs my job. By the way, did you know Mr Money is actually 46 years old? A whole. year. older. than what he says he is!
MAX
(In shock)
Scandalous!
GOSSIP GUEST
I know right?
SAM
You seem to know about this stuff, do you happen to know why Mr Money organized this party?
GOSSIP GUEST
For his birthday, of course!
MAX
(Looks at Sam, mockingly)
Of course!
SAM
Hush.
GOSSIP GUEST
(In a more serious tone)
Although there are rumors of courseβ¦
SAM
Do tellβ¦
GOSSIP GUEST
Some say this is his way to try to achieve a more positive public image. I mean, he invites B-movie stars here, thatβs how you know heβs generous. But others sayβ¦
SAM
Yeah?
GOSSIP GUEST
Wellβ¦ some people say itβs to get rid of his toys.
MAX
Are they bothering him or something?
GOSSIP GUEST
It could be his way of doing a bit of publicity, maybe try to sell the company to someone else, maybe even selling a couple of toys to his own guests! Kind of pathetic, isnβt it? Iβm not sure if I believe this rumor, but itβs certainly possibleβ¦
(Back to a happier tone) I personally believe Manny Money simply has a depressing obsession with spending as much money as possible to fill the void of his existence. At least thatβs what I wrote about him on my blog. But anybody that is anybody knows this already, donβt tell me this is the first time he invites you?
SAM
Wellβ¦
MAX
We USED to get invited but then we stopped being relevant for a while, he invited us once we became famous again.
GOSSIP GUEST
Oh⦠yeah, that happened to his mother too.
SAM
(Awkwardly)
Umβ¦ Excuse me if this sounds rude, but I donβt think Iβve ever seen you in my life and we watch A LOT of television.
GOSSIP GUEST
Ohoho, not to worry, I didnβt become famous thanks to old people.
MAX
Hahah!
SAM
(Frowning)
She called you old too, balloonhead.
MAX
I choose to only hear the part where she mocked you.
GOSSIP GUEST
I am a very popular influencer on anything related to celebrity gossip. Podcasts, blogs, videosβ¦ everything! YOUNG people love it. Anything that has to do with famous and rich people, I know about it. Usually not very positive things, but thatβs not my fault.
SAM
Well that might be helpful, we donβt know anything about famous and rich people.
MAX
We barely know anything about our own neighbors! We just donβt care.
SAM
Okay, see you, we might come back later.
GOSSIP GUEST
Always happy to help the elderly!
SAM
Weβre not- oh nevermind.
Sam and Max walk through the hallway. Sam notices a couple of portraits of Manny Money alongside people he doesnβt recognize. He gets interrupted by a butler.
BUTLER
Jacket, sir?
SAM
No thanks, Iβm already wearing this one.
BUTLER
I meant if youβd want me to keep your jacket.
MAX
(Angry)
Hey buddy, IβM his partner.
SAM
No thanks, I keep my jacket at all times.
MAX
I saw him without it once and I didnβt recognize him, it made breakfast time pretty awkward.
BUTLER
I see.
MAX
Can I leave my jacket?
BUTLER
β¦ You appear to be naked, sir.
MAX
Thatβs a relief! I was worrying no one at this party would realize that.
SAM
Hey, do you know where we could find Manny or any other important guests?
BUTLER
Mr Money is currently at the Main Party room.
SAM
Got it, thanks.
Sam and Max make their way to the stairs and elevator at the end of the hallway. Sam notices a big poster next to the elevator. The poster has big letters and a happy cartoon mascot.
SAM
(Reading)
βElevators should be more fun and inventive, like toys!β
The poster showcases how the elevator is unnecessarily interconnected to all the rooms of the mansion, even in ways that wouldnβt make any sense.
SAM
Huh, looks like this mansion has only 1 elevator that is able to traverse the whole building.
MAX
That seemsβ¦ cheap, actually. And potentially dangerous. (Excited) Cool! Letβs go!
INT. MANNY MONEYβS MANSION (MAIN PARTY ROOM ENTRANCE)
Sam and Max come out of the elevator a bit disoriented.
SAM
That was wholesome.
The elevator behind them leaves, it seems someone else has already called for it.
MAX
Yeah! I feel horrible! I liked it too.
The elevator comes back and a man gets out of it. He is not exactly a human man though, he is a pig in a fancy suit. He looks like he is in his 50s and like he already looks down on you. He immediately pushes Max out of the way, making Max fall to the floor.
MAX
(Angry)
Hey watch it!
SAM
You okay, Max?
MAX
I will be when I break that guyβs legs!
The pig stops in his tracks, but he doesnβt look impressed.
CAPITALIST PIG
Mhm? Oh Iβm sorry, Iβd say that was an accidentβ¦
(Smiles evily) But it wasnβt! I like pushing people inferior than me! Ohohohohoh!
MAX
(Stands up, he is even more angry)
Well how about I push YOU down the stairs?!
CAPITALIST PIG
Hah! Iβd never use such a commoner thing like the stairs! Good luck trying to push me off a high class elevator, though. Now, I must leave, I hope you think about this experience tonight, crying helps you fall asleep easier!
MAX
Grr!!
SAM
Just ignore him, Max, Iβm sure that guy will get enough punishment in the afterlife.
MAX
Iβll gladly help him get there as soon as possible.
INT. MANNY MONEYβS MANSION (MAIN PARTY ROOM HALLWAY)
Sam and Max make their way to the main party room. On their way there, they encounter a little kid playing with a mic and an electronic toy car. Max finds the car cool and approaches it.
MAX
Hey cool!
RICH KID
Move, grandpa!
MAX
(Offended)
Iβm STILL young! Just older!!!
SAM
Hey kid, do you know where we can talk to the man organizing this party?
RICH KID
You mean my uncle? Maybe I do.
SAM
But�
RICH KID
(Smiles evily)
But Iβm not going to tell you! Pff!
MAX
(Angry)
Well! Maybe we donβt want to know!
RICH KID
Then why did you ask, nerd?
MAX
(More angry)
MAYBE WE WANTED YOU TO LOOK STUPID!
SAM
Alright, Max, calm down.
MAX
(Calms down)
Whatever.
Sam tries to calm the situation.
SAM
Thatβs a pretty cool car you got there, is it a gift from your uncle?
RICH KID
Heck yes! He has an entire company of toys and he always gives me whatever I want!
MAX
He seems like he only gave you half a gift, where is the controller?
RICH KID
This toy doesnβt need a stupid controller, stupid! Forward!
When the kid says βforwardβ into the mic, the car goes forward and hits Max on the knee.
RICH KID
Hahah!
MAX
(In slight pain)
...Sam I normally love kids who are massive jerks, why do I wish for this kid to fall down the stairs?
SAM
Heβs rich, Max.
MAX
(Pensive)
I guessβ¦ doesnβt he remind you of someone?
SAM
Now that you mention it⦠kind of. But hey, do you think we could play with your cool toy for a minute? Maybe it will be useful for a puzzle later-
RICH KID
No way! Itβs mine!
MAX
Havenβt they taught you that sharing is a nice thing to do yet?
RICH KID
Yeah, but I donβt need to be nice, I have a cool toy car!
MAX
He makes a good point.
SAM
Well, be good, kid.
RICH KID
You canβt tell me what to do!
Sam and Max are about to enter the main party room, but next to the door and close to the kid, there is an old lady sitting on a couch. She appears to be asleep.
MAX
Hey, are you related to that kid? Can you tell him heβs awful?
OLD LADY
*Snooore.*
SAM
Letβs leave her alone, Max. She deals with enough by having that kid for a grandchild.
INT. MANNY MONEYβS MANSION (MAIN PARTY ROOM HALLWAY)
The main party room is full of guests, all wearing elegant clothes. Sam and Max look around the room, until they notice Manny Money. Manny is a man with bright blonde yellow hair and a bright yellow mustache. He carries a forced big smile on his face.
Next to Manny are two other guests, coincidentally they are two of the people Sam saw on the portraits at the entrance hallway of the mansion.
SKULL, a big strong-looking man in his late 40s. He wears a fancy purple suit, but his most peculiar feature is his face, because he has a skull for a face. A floating skull on a capsule. Definitely not a supervillain.
BELLA, a beautiful woman on her late 40s. She has a long fancy black dress and long dark hair. She has a neutral look on her face, seemingly bored with her surroundings.
Manny seemed to be talking to her two guests, until he notices someone approaching him, the capitalist pig that pushed Max earlier. Manny greets him with a smile.
MANNY
Itβs about time you show up, Capitalist Pig. I was starting to get excited you were not coming!
CAPITALIST PIG
(Angry smile)
Ohohoho, Manny, your attempts to embarrass me in front of so many people are pathetic... even if itβs working.
MANNY
Forgive me, old friend, I know youβre not good at comebacks. Before you interrupted us, we were having a bit of a predicament. I was wondering if someone else would like to give a speech by my side.
BELLA
And again I will ask: Why would you want that?
MANNY
Itβs a yearly event, dear! We are all busy important people, when was the last chance weβve gotten a chance to all meet together?
BELLA
(Annoyed)
Donβt call me βdearβ.
SKULL
I would love to give a speech! You know I love a good audience. I give speeches all the time to my enemies- That is to say, to my business clients.
MANNY
(Annoyed, but trying to hide it)
Right. That is⦠so kind of you-
Suddenly the conversation is interrupted by a new guest. HOPE, a woman in her late 20s, carrying a camera and a little cute smile on her face. She wears a dress with vibrant pink and yellow colors, heart-shaped sunglasses and a rose next to her afro puff.
HOPE
Mr Money hi, can I have a few questions?
MANNY
Oh! Is this an interview? Iβm great at those too! Gossip blogs love me, Iβm great at creating conflict, right Mr Pig?
HOPE
(Nonchalantly)
No, not gossip. Fashion. So, what are you wearing? Tell us.
MANNY
(Awkward)
Ah. Well, a⦠beautiful expensive suit.
Hope looks at him, unimpressed, but still carrying her little smile.
HOPE
Mr Money do you know anything about fashion?
BELLA
He doesnβt.
MANNY
(Smiles)
Ah! Hahahah! You got me! I suppose this old man knows more about kids toys.
HOPE
It seems he does, yes.
CAPITALIST PIG
Not well enough if his company is in bankruptcy.
Everyone stares at Pig in silence.
CAPITALIST PIG
What? He was rude first and I canβt be rude now? Being a jerk is my whole personality!
MANNY
(Irritated, but still smiling)
Hahah. We know that well.
BELLA
And being passive aggressive is yours.
MANNY
(Laughing)
Ouch! Bella! That hurts!
SKULL
We all know Manny being passive aggressive is one of his main character traits, which while making him rather unlikable, it also serves as a way to-
MANNY
(Snapping)
ALRIGHT! You guys want me to be honest?! Sure! How about if I told you this was my last party?!
Everyone stares at Manny in shock and confusion.
CAPITALIST PIG
Huh.
SKULL
What?
BELLA
Excuse me?
MANNY
(Nervous)
Ahβ¦ That escaped meβ¦
Hope leans the mic closer to Manny.
HOPE
Do tell.
MANNY
I thought you said you worked in fashion.
HOPE
I do, Iβm just curious. This is good.
Everyone starts to demand Manny for answers, all speaking over each other.
CAPITALIST PIG
What do you mean your last party?!
SKULL
Did something happen?
CAPITALIST PIG
Are you dying???
BELLA
Mhm.
SKULL
I must say this does make the night more interesting!
SKULL
PLEASE tell me youβre DYING!
Suddenly, a new guest shows up, Sam also recognizes them from the portraits. VAL, an anchovy in their mid 20s wearing a fancy blue suit. They look nervous and awkwardly tries to say something, although immediately regrets it.
VAL
Um, hi everyone I-
Manny sees this as a good opportunity to get out of this situation. He runs to Val.
MANNY
My good friend! There you are! Why donβt you join us in our interview?
VAL
(Panicking)
Oh umβ¦ I-I-Iβ¦ Iβm not good at that or at talking that muchβ¦
MANNY
Hahah! Hilarious! Anyway, it was a nice talk, young lady, but I must be going to give my speech now-
Manny reaches for his mic but notices something. His forced smile drops slightly.
MANNY
Ahβ¦it appears the mic is brokenβ¦ right, of course, everything tonight is going perfectlyβ¦ You wouldnβt mind sharing your microphone?
HOPE
Yes I would.
MANNY
Okayβ¦
HOPE
Well, thanks for the interview, bye!
Hope walks off without a care, satisfied enough with the interview.
MANNY
*sigh* Now what do I doβ¦
BELLA
I donβt know what youβre planning Manny, but it better not be something stupid.
Bella walks off too. Skull looks at her, concerned.
SKULL
Mr Pig, why donβt you keep him some company?
CAPITALIST PIG
I donβt want to.
SKULL
Well, you should. Even if youβre both rivals, there must be some sort of mutual understanding, that should come to shine in moments like this. Where no one else is by his side.
CAPITALIST PIG
No.
SKULL
(Annoyed)
Mhm, no one else sees the potential of a good storyβ¦
CAPITALIST PIG
But I suppose it would be funny to see him suffering. Iβll stay then.
SKULL
Good! You shall tell me all about it later. For now Iβll see how Bella is doing.
Before leaving, Skull turns to Val, who was awkwardly trying to walk away during this whole exchange.
SKULL
And you, Val! It is an honor to have you here! Can I have an autograph?
VAL
(Nervous)
Uhβ¦ wellβ¦ Um Iβm just going toβ¦ Okay.
Val walks off awkwardly, but Skull doesnβt seem to mind.
SKULL
Of course! See you later!
Skull walks off, leaving Pig and Manny alone, even if theyβre not talking to each other at all. We finally go back to Sam and Max, who watched and heard that entire conversation. They look very uncomfortable.
SAM
Wow.
MAX
Sam, suddenly Iβm really glad that youβre my main social circle.
MAX
Thatβs really sweet, Max.
Sam notices Hope, she seems like a good person to have a conversation with right now. Thatβs usually how a case for this duo goes, just talking to random people until something happens. Sam frowns at this description of his life work.
SAM
Hi. That must have been a bit uncomfortable.
MAX
A bit? I almost cause a scene just so they would shut up.
SAM
What would you have done?
MAX
Iβm naked, Iβm already causing a scene.
HOPE
It wasnβt so bad, you have no idea the things I have seen.
MAX
Ooh like what?
HOPE
One time I saw two freelancers, one a dog and the other a rabbit, stalk a food critic for a children snack. I heard it got so bad the food critic left the country.
MAX
Hahah!
Max smiles silently for a few seconds until he realizes what he just heard.
MAX
Oh waitβ¦
SAM
You know us? I didnβt think anyone here would recognize us.
MAX
Especially our incriminating memories, you were right Sam, this feels like a high school reunion.
HOPE
You guys are a bit hard to miss, a lot happens in New York because of you. It would be kind of ridiculous to NOT know who you are.
MAX
Then how come our local pizzeria doesnβt recognize us?
HOPE
I think that means they are pretending to not know you.
MAX
That makes sense, but Iβm still holding on to my multiverse theory.
SAM
So, you work in the fashion industry?
HOPE
I have an independent fashion brand, yeah. Kind of popular, not popular enough, Iβm getting there. Iβm also a journalist, itβs no biggie.
MAX
I feel like Iβve wasted my life, Sam.
SAM
Itβs 8pm, thatβs how you always feel at this time of the day.
MAX
Oh, right.
SAM
But hey, this is a big party, a good opportunity for you, right?
HOPE
Yeah I guess, but itβs all what I expectβ¦ I wish there was something interesting in this party this yearβ¦
SAM
Like what? A robbery?
MAX
Oooh someone stealing from a celebrity, creating a big commotion!
HOPE
Thatβd be cool.
MAX
We can make it happen if you ask us to!
SAM
Maybe later, Max.
MAX
Ooooh what if there is a murder?!
SAM
Donβt scare the nice lady, Max. Forgive him, heβs always like this, so Iβll keep him away for a while-
HOPE
No, thatβd be cool too! You know a bit gruesome, I would not want to see the body, but Iβve read a couple of mystery books lately so, you know, itβd be a fun coincidence I guess.
MAX
Letβs cross our fingers and wish really really hard.
HOPE
(Smiles sweetly)
Looking forward to it!
SAM
As long as it isnβt me, sure.
MAX and HOPE
(Rolling their eyes)
Spoilsport.
SAM
Yeah yeah. Anyway, how much do you know about Manny Money?
HOPE
As much as anyone. He inherited his fatherβs toy company, the company was successful for years but lately itβs getting close to bankruptcy and for whatever reason Manny keeps making more and more toys, even if it will probably be his downfall. Really weird, but I do like the companyβs mascot, itβs cute.
SAM
Well, we didnβt know any of that.
Hope stares in silence, with her usual little smile.
MAX
Stop giving her perfect set-ups for insults, Sam.
HOPE
Itβs fine, I wonβt say anything.
MAX
β¦ to our faces.
HOPE
Yeah, you might not want to check my blog this week.
SAM
One more question, just for fun, you wouldnβt know anything about a mysterious document hidden in this mansion, would you?
HOPE
Not really.
SAM
Well, thanks anyway.
MAX
You know Sam, asking about this top secret document just like that is not very detectivey of you.
HOPE
Yeah, heβs right.
SAM
Alright alright, Iβll be more subtle. See you.
MAX
Hey, what fashion advice would you give me?
HOPE
β¦ Wear clothes.
MAX
Noted!
Sam and Max decide to approach Manny next, but he is distracted trying to fix the mic, he doesnβt even look at them. Pig glares at the duo.
SAM
Greetings, Mr Money.
MANNY
Iβm really sorry, folks, but I donβt have much time to talk now.
CAPITALIST PIG
(Smiles evily)
Itβs okay, I can answer their questions for you.
MAX
How old are you, Mr Money?
CAPITALIST PIG
46.
Manny glares at Pig in silence.
SAM
Is the microphone broken?
MAX
Donβt you have like 15 back-up mics or something?
CAPITALIST PIG
Just because we are rich doesnβt mean we have everything at all times.
SAM
Huh, Iβve never thought of it like that.
CAPITALIST PIG
(Smiles smugly)
Just kidding, we have it all, itβs just that Manny organizes garbage parties!
SAM
I feel a very warm friendship here.
MAX
(Confused)
Um⦠I love you too, Sam?
SAM
Maybe we can help, what do you need?
MANNY
Wait, really? Youβd do that? Thanks, fellas, thatβs awfully nice!
MAX
Awfully convenient for us at least, in some way.
MANNY
If you could give me a microphone, any kind of microphone, Iβd be able to tinker it a little and make this work.
SAM
Any kind, huh? Sure, letβs look around.
Sam has an idea, but he sees Val in the distance and decides to talk to them first.
SAM
Hello there.
VAL
(Confused)
Oh, hi. Who are you...?
SAM
We are Sam and Max.
VAL
Oh.
MAX
Well? We are famous!
VAL
(Nervous)
Iβm sorry, I donβt think Iβve ever heard of youβ¦
SAM
I guess technically we WERE famous.
MAX
Maybe βfamousβ is being too kind. We have fans, thatβs all.
SAM
We donβt know that many people here ourselves, but weβve seen you in a couple of movies.
MAX
Yeah you are an actual celebrity!
VAL
Oh thanks, thatβs very nice of you. Now I feel bad for not knowing who you areβ¦
SAM
Itβs alright, nobody really does.
MAX
Except that journalist!
VAL
(Horribly guilty)
Ah how inconsiderate of meβ¦
SAM
Please donβt worry so much, really.
MAX
Yeah, people are usually way meaner to us.
SAM
Being unaware of our existence is almost a compliment.
MAX
Just how is it like being a celebrity anyway?
VAL
β¦ Stressful.
SAM
Yeah, I guess most jobs are.
VAL
Most things are for me.
MAX
But itβs worth it if you have fame, right?
VAL
Oh no, I donβt really like being famous.
MAX
What? I always thought the main objective was fame! And the ability to be a complete jerk with no consequences!
VAL
Not me, I just really enjoy acting. And making fans happy is nice tooβ¦ Iβm not great at talking with fans but Iβm not that good at talking to crowds in general. Iβm just glad to inspire people or make them feel emotions with my performance.
SAM
Thatβs nice, kid.
MAX
If I was famous I would ask my fans to make an altar of me and pray every night to give me enough power to become a god.
VAL
(Concerned)
W⦠why?
MAX
I need to have something to do after I retire!
SAM
See? Itβs a good thing heβs not a celebrity.
VAL
Maybe...
SAM
One last thing, do you have any idea where to get a functional microphone?
VAL
Not really, Iβve mostly looked at the ground, avoiding eye contact, so I havenβt really paid attention to my surroundings.
MAX
Sounds like Sam on his first dates.
VAL
(Awkwardly)
Hahah. Sorry I just assumed that was a joke and I had to laugh.
SAM
You never have to laugh at his jokes.
MAX
Says the guy who I always βcrack upβ.
VAL
(Smiles)
Hahah. That was a sincere laugh.
SAM
βSeaβ you.
MAX.
(Annoyed)
Awful.
VAL
See you...
Sam and Max walk away to the door they came in.
SAM
I like Val, they seem nice.
MAX
They?
SAM
Geez Max, itβs 2026, donβt you know about this stuff already?
MAX
No, yeah, itβs just not fair that everyone but me gets to have interesting pronouns.
SAM
You know you can choose that, right?
MAX
(Shocked)
β¦ Wait, really?! Just like that?! I have a lot to think about then!
SAM
Glad I could help, little buddy.
INT. MANNY MONEYβS MANSION (MAIN PARTY ROOM ENTRANCE)
Sam and Max go back to talk to the kid, who has a working microphone for his toy car.
SAM
Say kid, your uncle needs a new microphone, and yours could just work
RICH KID
So?
MAX
So, have you learned to share these last 5 minutes?
RICH KID
No!
SAM
I at least had to ask.
MAX
Maybe if we keep asking heβll change his mind.
SAM
Not a bad idea.
RICH KID
I wonβt!
MAX
Can we use your mic? Please please please? Please please please lease please please-
The kid uses the car to hurt Maxβs leg again. That makes Max shut up.
RICH KID
Youβre even more annoying than all those other kids!
SAM
Other kids?
RICH KID
Yeah, they are all in the kidβs area over there.
The kid points at a door with a big sign that says βKidβs areaβ.
MAX
How have we not noticed that earlier?
SAM
Well, this format makes noticing visuals a little difficult.
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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Nearly blocked someone for a vaguely annoying reply they made in 2017 then remembered 2017 was 9 years ago. They will live. We can change *opens their blog* nevermind they got worse. Guards
This was written out in real time btw. I typed out the first half, paused, saved it to my drafts, went back to open their blog, then came back to type the rest
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
β Live Streamingβ Interactive Chatβ Private Showsβ HD Qualityβ Free Actions
Free to watch β’ No registration required β’ HD streaming
if they're gonna remake The Princess Bride, it should open with a kid sick in bed scrolling on his phone. his grandpa arrives with a gift--it's a DVD player with a disc already inside. grandpa hooks it up to the TV and presses play. and we all just watch the original 1987 film again.
gummygunk
izzy806
areudirty
gamechangershow
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