i loved & i loved & i lost you
"you're going to ace it, lance."
lance stares into bright grey eyes, full of confidence and belief.
he knows he's just overreacting but can you blame him? he's about to take the exam to be a fighter pilot. shiro and lance studied together for days and last night crammed more than enough. 4 in the morning training sessions everyday since lance confirmed his appointment for the exam.
"i know your nervous right now, baby. i'm going to be right here when you get back. no matter what happens." lance's eyes water slowly.
"stop, you're going to make me cry." he whines softly, pressing his head into shiro's chest. shiro wraps his arms around lance and laughs lightly.
"you better go." lance sighs, but pulls away and pouts.
"you'll be here, right?" shiro nods, raising his hand mock saluting at lance.
"right here, sir." lance smiles, leaning up to press a short kiss on shiro's lips.
"at ease, commander." lance moves away from shiro quickly, laughing at his blushing face. he walks to the door, he stops as the automatic door slides open. lance looks back shiro a small smile on his face. "i love you."
"i love you more. good luck."
"this isn't going to work. you know it's not. i didn't pass. i didn't get into your team. cargo pilots get different training. i'm a cargo pilot."
shiro, watches lance pace back and forth.
"lance c'mon. being a cargo pilot, isn't bad. you can try again, it's not the end of the world-"
"i know that shiro!" lance snaps, glaring at shiro. lance's face softens abit and he sighs. "i just, wanted it so badly. i wanted to give my family good news for once." he drops into a whisper, hugging himself, hiding. shiro stands from his chair walking to lance, pulling him into a hug. just holding him.
"i just wanted to be closer to you. so this could be easier on you. so you won't have to make up an excuse when i want to see you. i wanted to make you proud." lance says, a sob finding it's way out of him. shiro holds him tighter.
"why are you even with an idiot like me?"
shiro stops his hands moving away from lance completely.
"you are not an idiot, lance. you are so incredibly smart. i'm with you because i love you. i'm in love with the way You treat me. how you treat others with nothing but kindness. i am so proud of you. proud of you for, trying, studying, staying up so late you pass out. i'm proud of your dedication to this. you're not an idiot. sure, testing isn't your strong suit but that does not make you an idiot." shiro lifts lance's chin up. "uderstand?" lance nods, wiping his eyes with his sleeve.
shiro smiles, hugging him again.
lance stares at himself in the mirror of shiro's connected bathroom.
"c'mon mcclain, you've faced scarier things than this." he checks himself once more before placing the large white tshirt he borrowed -stole, from hunk, on. lance takes another deep breath before opening the door and seeing shiro laying on his bed, reading.
upon hearing the door open, shiro looked up from the paper. he smiles lightly.
"what took you?" lance moves towards the bed, straddling shiro's waist. he takes the paper out of his hands as shiro places his on lance waist.
"dunno, just wanted to look pretty for you." lance, smiles brightly.
"you always look pretty." he mumbles, fingers gliding under the shirt touching lance's thighs. his breath hitches, leaning into his touches.
lance can feel shiro's fingers brush against the frabic.
"lance." lance looks at shiro's face. his eyes are wide.
"you're leaving tomorrow. and i just wanted to give you something..." shiro stares at lance. then he frowns.
"are you sure? you're not doing this just beca-" lance cuts him off with a kiss.
"shiro. i've been sure for a couple months. i would have done it earlier but with those surprise exams and you having interviews and constant health test...." his voice drops into a whisper. " i really want to." shiro stares another few seconds at lance before pulling him close and pressing lance on his back as he turned them.
"i love you." lance says, smiling softly up at shiro, confidence and reassurance written all over his face. shiro's hands graze over the lightblue frabic that's shown now, that the shirt lance is wearing rides up abit.
those words have been splattered on every screen of the garrison for weeks.
classes have been canceled to give students time to grieve.
lance hadn't cried. he should have. but he knew, before anyone. when sergeant jameson called him into his office before word got out. father mccarthy was there aswell.
"now, lance. i want you to listen very carefully. because shirogane is a dear friend to me, and i'll continue to keep my word but father mccarthy and myself know what your capable of." lance doesn't know what to even think What this is about. every second his sitting here, creates a new wave of nausea.
"you're well aware of the kerberos mission, shirogane, holt and dr. holt are on." lance nods not taking his eyes of jameson, fist griping the chair under him. "but what you don't know is that we lost contact with them a week ago. there was no signs of life on kerberos. not even the ship was recovered." jameson sighs furstratedly leaning back in his seat.
lance's shoulders shake slightly. his breathing growing harder with every intake. father mccarthy seems to notice and comes over to sit next to him taking both of lance's hands in his.
"deep breaths, son." lance's listens but his heart is beating so loud in his ears he barely catches jameson's words.
"they're going to claim it as a pilot error. i wanted you to hear it from me that it's not true. alright?"
lance nods. then finds his voice.
"why are you telling me, though? i'm not-"
"i'm aware of your status, but that doesn't apply and by the looks of it. you'd be next of kin." he says waving a hand towards his neck. lance let's go of one of mccarthy's hand twirling the silver ring that hangs on a chain, securely around his neck.
"he said we would when he comes back." lance tells them, "if it wasn't a pilot error. then where is he?"
jameson sighs looking at lance sadly.
they sit in silence for abit until jameson tells lance, he would need to take shiro's belongings. lance wants to but he can't.
"give them to keith. keith grew up with shiro. keith should have them." jameson nods without another word. father McCarthy placed a hand on lance's shoulder.
"if there's anything you ever need, lance. please don't not hesitate to come to me or sergeant jameson." lance nods, almost numbly.
he found him. he found shiro.
a whole year, without him. and he found him. he's okay. he's safe now.
the scars visible to him make lance's heart clench. but he's breathing and he's alive.
he also was so glad to see keith.
after he got kicked out, lance hadn't known where he'd gone. he was worried on shiro's behalf. shiro would have wanted keith to stay at the garrison. lance tried to interact with him, but without shiro it could have been masked as a one sided rivalry between him and keith.
when they reached the small shack, hunk tried to convince him to go back. pidge demanded that she'd speak to shiro about the other crew. keith wanted them all out.
"pidge just wants to ask him some questions. once he knows, then we'll be out of your hair. lance tried to reason as calmly as he could but keith just glared at him. then turns to pidge.
"the minute he gets up, you ask him and get out."
lance's hand subconsciously go to the necklace around his neck, twirling it as he sits beside hunk on the small couch. pidge taking the small beanbag. keith goes into the other part of the shack.
lance wakes up, hours later with his arm tangled behind his back half draped against hunk. lance moves off of him, stretching his joints. he gets up and stretches his back. he notices movement outside and moves toward the window.
shiro and keith are talking. about what lance doesn't know.
he wondered why shiro didn't wake him. a spike of fear rushes through his brain.
what if he doesn't remember you?
lance closes his eyes tight, hand reaching to twirl the ring.
no, shiro just didnt know how long he'd been out there. there's no way he forget him.
lance couldn't believe it.
lance watched as keith turned away from shiro and started back toward the shack. shiro followed not to long after. lance turned away from the window, moving toward hunk to wake him.
then he wakes up pidge and shiro and keith are already inside.
keith was explaining the strange engery force in the desert. written things on the walls of a blue lion. lance felt a soft shiver run up his spin.
shiro turned to face keith more and lance caught confusion written all over his face. lance couldn't blame him. then shiro looked at him. and lance's heart stopped.
"i'm sorry. lance, right?" the twirling stopped as lance looked at shiro's face. his fear proven correct.
lance feels himself reach for shiro's hand but stops staring at the metal. he takes a deep breath and presses his hand in shiro's, then sends him a soft smile.
lance let's go of shiro's hand, then immediately moving to the ring.
right there, lance decides that maybe it's best if shiro didn't know him. doesn't know about all they went through. lance grevied. he doesn't need to grieve again.
in the moments that he found him. lance lost shiro all at once.
