thoughts.

08/ 09/ 2023

a screen shot that popped up today. i hope you’re doing well if you see this.

- Thiele

Do not read further lmaooo!!!!! do not read beyond this line, do not pass go, and do not collect your 200. below this post lies the remains of a fucked up, immature high schooler. i literally cringe. this is literally the mind of a depressed af, depersonalized teenager who has trust issues from past friends and absent father. literally embarrassing to have this account. do not read further.

hey. i’m drunk and you just left my house and the whole hand is over. i’m drunk and i love you, and tomorrow i’ll wake up and i’ll still love you with all my heart.

Love, I am here for you and I will always be here for you. You are my world and you say your heart is breaking for your girl, and I don't want to see you hurting. It breaks my heart to hear you on the phone like this. I want you to know that she loves you, your family loves you, your friends love you, and I love you. You are so full of love, your heart is so huge. I’ll love you forever, I’ll like you for always, as long as I’m living my love you'll be. Don't be sad love, though I understand it’s hard right now. She will be okay, just stay hopeful because she's not ready to go yet. She loves you so much, and you love her more than I’ve ever seen anyone love their dog. You are her whole world, love. I understand that she was there for you when all went to shit, but she will be okay! Just know that when times get tough, you don't have to deal with them on your own. You don't have to hide your feelings, you don't have to pretend like everything is okay because it’s okay not to be okay. You can call me at any hour if you need to. Whether its 4 pm or 4 am, I will always be here for you, always. You are so loved, you don't even know. I love you with my whole heart, please never forget that. Sunshine may come and go, but you never forget what brings you happiness. She’s always going to be there, even if she's not. Get some goo sleep, my love. I love you, goodnight. 

i blocked you from my phone, but just my phone. not my facebook, or email, or instagram, or anything. just. my. phone. you could email me, or dm me on instagram, you could message me on facebook. you could call me from your wife’s phone, or one of your three daughters phones... you could have told me you moved away. you could have told me about your new cat. you could’ve called on my birthday or christmas when the boys were here. you could’ve called their phone to talk to me. you could call me from mom or allen’s phone. you could’ve at least tried. why didn’t you try? why didnt you send me a birthday card? why didn’t you call me on my birthday? you don’t even know my braces are off. you don’t even know who joe is or that blue and i are back together. i blocked you at my lowest point, a point of brokeness, which is when i needed you. no. i needed you in 8th grade and you knew that, only after it was too late. after everything had happened. how did you not blame yourself? how did you not care to call your own daughter? you’ve never flown out to see me in the past 5 years i’ve been off that island. you could do so so much more, yet you don’t. you don’t try because you don’t want to try. you don’t want me. you don’t want me as a daughter. what did i do wrong? why doesn’t my own father want anything to do with me? why dad? you won’t be there to see me go off to prom, or graduate, or see me go to college, or graduate from college. you will not be the man to walk me down the isle when i get married, you won’t even be invited. you did this to us. you did this to me. you made me into a girl with “daddy issues”. you made my trust issues and bad relationships with guys and myself and loving myself. you’re the parts of me i hate about myself. i should hate you with every part of me, but all i want you to do is hug me. if i think about it hard enough i can still remember the way you smell. do you think about your own daughter as much as she thinks of you? no, i didn’t think so. just tell me why. why don’t you care about me?

perfection. absolutely perfection you are. you are my sunshine, but not my only sunshine anymore. you make me happy when skies are grey. please never go away again. your heart is so huge, so soft, so lovable. so so so much love to give. i’m only 17 and i still have so much love to give you. words aren’t enough. i appreciate every little thing you do for me. i appreciate everything you did for me the first time we were together. words aren’t enough. words aren’t enough to describe how feel about the way i mistreated you before. look at the beautiful love we have now, jesus. no pointless arguing, no forcing you to love me every second of every day. we’re just doing us. it’s absolutely beautiful and magical. all beauty...allllll beauty. you’re such a beautiful person, such a beautiful beautiful person, boo. don’t ever forget how much i appreciate, adore, and love you. goodnight love. i love you lots. i love to love you, please let me do it forever.

our first sleepover. just cuddling and talking and love. so so so much love, i adore you with everything in me. you woke me up by wrapping your arms around me and pulling me toward you. let me tell ya... that was the most precious thing ever. like. ever. you’re heart is so big and it has so much to give and just know i love you and that i’m so very happy we got to have a sleep over. i’m so happy i got to wake up next to your handsome face and just cuddle all morning and shower. allan may not want you over right now, but i’m gonna talk to him and my mom and try to find a way to get you back over here because big boy misses you and i know you miss him. i love you so so so much blue, you have no clue.

i’m dumb. why am i still thinking about the stuff that happened. it’s a new year and i need to just leave everything in the past w a clean start. today is the day blue and i first kissedans hung out and i met his family. it’s a special day in my opinion. god i love him so much. i owe him everything. i treated him so awfully for so long and now he came back and i owe all the love that i have to offer. so i’m gonna forget about all those things in my head bc he apologized and he’s sorry and now i’m just the one who needs to move on from it. i love you jesus. it feels like when we first started dating, and it feels comfortable. thank you for coming back love. i hope you stay this time.

- Jesus Antonio Rios IV

my birthday wish, my christmas wish, every which has come true tonight... perhaps my work has not quite finished yet

the end.