Idk what I'll title this because IDK what the hell I am feeling. like I feel fine but numb at the same time and like I am failing. But at the same time I know I am just doing my best. I know that I am failing though. I am failing not the world but my God. I fail him every day but he still loves me even though I am so undeserving it's not funny. He died but he didn't just die, he suffered he was so scared going to the cross that he was sweating blood. Imagine being so stressed and scared that you sweat blood. he asked God if there was any other way to do this without going to the cross. There wasn't another way. So he went to the cross for me. But before that he was beaten so badly that his spine was exposed, his organs were exposed, he was losing massive amounts of blood, and they beat him so badly that he was unrecognizable, not last I am sure but they beat him so bad that you could not tell weather he was man or woman. think about having your spine exposed organs exposed beaten so badly that your friends could not tell if you were man or woman. Imagine losing massive amounts of blood while having to pick up a 200 plus pound cross and having to drag it for miles up hill in the heat. imagine falling on the gravel while your legs were torn up close your eyes and imagine it, being beaten more each time you fall. Now you are on the mount now they drive rail road spikes through your wrists between the two bones where thousands of nerves pass through into your hands searing unimaginable pain. next they drive those spikes that they may have used in the last crucifixion into the tops of your feet, the feet have several tiny bones in them as well as many nerves again searing pain. and remember that his spine was exposed? now its pressed against the splintering wood of the cross. Now imagine having to hoist your self up on your extended shoulders using your peirced feet to push up and having to sag to breath. Imagine not being able to get oxygen in and you suffer from Co2 poisoning, sweating ,rubbing your exposed spine just to breathe, imagine now that your shoulders dislocated, now your diaphragm is failing your mechanism for breathing IE your shoulders just dislocated, imagine the terror of that slowly suffocating and eventually going into cardiac arrest. Being so scared that you ask your father why have you forsaken me. That was the only thing Jesus cried out. He didn't cry when they beat him when they drove spines through his hands and feet. One time. He cried. And then in the middle of this on the cross in pain exhausted suffocating he asks his father our god to forgive the people who did this to him. So no Jesus didn't just "die" for you . He suffers unimaginable pain anxiety and fear for us. We won't know what he was thinking until we get to meet him. every time I sin I think of this that he went thought that for me and I am doing this thing I am not supposed to and I feel sick.
