ℹ️M’A🃏 ℹ️’MA 🚬

books

unexpected kindness in strangers

the rest of the world to travel

languages to learn

animals to take care of

volunteer work to do

the power of a good night’s rest

the changing of seasons

infinite things to learn

billions of people to meet and possibly love

So tonight was my friends birthday dinner with her foster family, extremely boring, we fucked around the entire time. I took pills, I broke my one week of being sober. I’m still out of it but I’m waking up, I remembered what my therapist told me.

“It’s a choice. You choose what you do. You want to be a drug addict? That’s your choice. You get to choose your life.”

For some reason the idea of me having control of what I do is really waking me up which doesn’t make sense because it’s common sense to know that you’re in control like duh.

But I remember thatsnd immediately got up, while being out of it, and worked out. 35 minutes, cardio, toning. I did it while wanting to crash on my floor. What I do is my choice. I have to choose my future. I don’t know but tonight I’ll paint.

You know what’s not easy? Having your parent force control of your life via emotional abuse, threats, shame, humiliation, violence. Your parent getting into your own head and  gaslighting your senses until you feel worthless and insane and like a monster, until you don’t dare to feel your own feelings, until you’re ashamed of the pain you feel and can’t see yourself as anything other than a horrible burden and nothing you do can ever change that or make you good enough. You know what’s even harder? Still believing that your parent “meant the best” and not even daring to blame them and still being forced to draw the conclusion that it was after all, all your fault, for existing as you do, for being who you are, for not ever being good enough! And then, on top of all of it, hearing the rest of the world agree with the parent’s view, pressuring you to never blame them, to forgive them, to never hold them responsible, to “be better” and understand them, to not ever try to place blame on anyone but yourself because then you’re the monster.

It’s 4:40am

All I can think about is what I haven’t done. And before I dwell on that I stop and realize I’ve never done this in my life so far. I’ve never planned for the future, I’ve never wanted something so bad that I convince myself it’s possible even if it’s far from it.