maxine

the skies are much more beautiful

a woman i know walks with her child and tells me that i look like something is weighing on my heart and mind like it does on my brow

there’s always three planes flying overhead flying in fake v formation within the Heavens when you look up, drowning out the ambience of rain falling amongst grey clouds and amber sunsets where a purple sun sits and casts its shadow upon you as you walk in its darkness

so what if i know they aren’t behind me? they’re real to me at this hour just like yesterday i know they could be screaming either with eyes or none at all waiting for me to stare back in the noise of the unlit and unseeable. they don’t even wish to speak, to see, to hear, to watch, to stalk, to take form they only exist to do whatever i believe they could do and they can only meet me when my leg is outside the covers and the gap between my blanket and pillow is open like my eyes staying alert

and oh the things we could discuss after!

and so the lights start to flicker upon dim heads with faceless bodies all from various angles the lights flicker on the side of a barn to the tune of “i love you” and a tin can connects the fire to the waves so they can bear witness behind the barn sits a windmill burning brighter than illuminated celluloid yet present in both broadcasts the man behind the windmill with a bright, faceless body begins to ask you again “do you remember me?” and you cannot speak you cannot remember you can only witness

think i might believe in reincarnation and karma. dont know about buddhism as a whole because i have Not Looked Into It but i could get behind reincarnation as a former catholic current mostly atheist/sometimes agnostic.

yes this is a diary esque rant

like i guess i couldnt really understand the concept of heaven when i was a catholic. what do you do up there? do whatever you want? stare at god all day? watch people from above while they jerk off or whatever? all that once? when i was younger (around 7) my mom said you could play all the video games you wanted and see whoever you wanted in heaven. later in high school, my teacher told me that heaven is more "surrounding god and eternally witnessing him" or something of the sort; stand around and stare at god for all eternity sort of thing. that fucking terrified me. ALL eternity. FOREVER with no end? it must be the selfish human will thing in me but i refuse to believe that a possible god would design us with such desires for freedoms before creating a promise land of just staring at him doing nothing else. i think even the possibility of this, even if i misunderstood, was like the last straw for religion. eternity finally became a concept i realized, its truly Forever.

but like ive always had this slight belief that karma was real, even in a passive sense or perhaps even in a catholic sense. like if i did good, god was reward me or whatever. if i did bad, i would get some sort of punishment. a sacrifice could be a reward, a path of pain could be a gift. that sort of thing. but like i guess i just feel like my life has a sense of karma. i feel like equally, life sorta balances itself out. it is a privilege for me to say that compared to those who have suffered, but i don't know. it is the path that has presented itself in making sense.

reincarnation? feels likely in a weird sense. seems like the only afterlife concept i could believe in a sense. heaven just doesnt make sense to me because i refuse to believe a just god would create a plane much better than ours and force people that he designed to go through challenges to get there. for what goal? we are his creation and he is all powerful, why do we gotta suffer through the limits of life in order to live in peace for all eternity? why must we spend our time here to worship? if hell exists, why? why allow this. to this end, reincarnation feels like a balanced, efficient use of a soul or being. a way to continue life without a life in a realm too far beyond ours. of course, breaking free of the cycle is part of the idea of reincarnation in like buddhism if i understand correctly, so maybe the idea of a higher plane beyond ours is just simply an inescapable part of existence. that we must be rewarded in some way. i don't know. i will never know.