maxine

was brushing my teeth recently and wrote in my notes app "the fear of fear like it’ll strike strong, unbearable, abrupt, inconceivably large and deafingly loud." i have since pondered this a little because i have realized this is a constant fear i have, consistently in the back on my head primarily once its night. not to say its my only fear. i still have fears im gonna see jeff the killer or some shit when i look behind me like im 9 years old. but i strangely have this bizare feeling this feeling that something will jumpscare me HARD. like my monitor is gonna blast a scary face on fullscreen with a deathly loud scream. golden freddy fnaf 1 style, if you will.

its not exactly a jumpscare per say either! i can handle jumpscares. id say more subtle, slower, and even less visual horror and scary faces can scare me more. it is specifically something i fear could just happen to me in real life at night. like at my computer or something. even happening near me.

when i was younger and super into fnaf, i had this very bizare dream. it was perhaps one of two, but i cannot remember the second and i could be mixing it up with my friends story. it was a clip from a real game theory fnaf video that i dont feel like finding but it has matpat originally going "he's here he's there he's everywhere, who you gonna call, fazzy fun fredbear!" in my nightmare, it was almost exactly the same (the animation/visauls were even in it), but when he got to the "fazzy fun fredbear part," it was a DEATHLY loud distorted noise, undescrible but similar to a loud distorted garble. this woke up me up hard, almost as if it really had happened. still remember it to this day. pretty sure its exploding head syndrome but its my only example. reminds me of when i watched a troll cod zombies video of a secret der riese easter egg when i was kid on my ipad. it ended with a LOUD exorcist girl jumpscare that i stonefaced with a VERY elevated heart rate.

one other unrelated dream i had was me exploring a gas station with some very distorted ps1 graphics. a sense of gore on the textures was present. i remembered the song playing very vividly but i have since forgot. very odd feeling nightmare i couldnt even recapture. honestly i think this is related to my fear of death, which also spawns a fear of getting hurt. obviously we all fear death, but i have had this very strong fear ever since childhood. ive eased up to it since, but it haunts

my ear is missing it must be beating something and it might miss me for i bring much warmth to its cold heart i cannot even hear its heart beat for me in lust for it brought me the gift does it hear my cries? will it follow me home? do you know who i am? speak for i cannot listen and i am going insane

when the train arrives, who will meet you there? will she care enough to join you? what says you, blood bag ? approach the greyhound.

march foward and bleed.

smokes have been in my life since day zero. my dad used to smoke a lot, even in the home. black and milds if i recall. he would later move onto e-cigs and then vaping. my uncle worked at a vape shop and i would be babysat in the back when i was a pre-teen. they all smoked a lot. both my aunt/uncle and dad would vape so much and smoke such fruity flavors that they would cling to my clothes after leaving. it seeped into the couch, everywhere.

my grandmother also smoked. she was a (moderate) republican gay woman that had to leave my mom and her family after coming out. i do miss her. she got lung cancer from smoking a lot (there was a cig place near her) and she later went on remission. after that, she still smoked like normal and then got throat cancer. kinda awesome in a fucked up way. she got chemo and lost her toe, then her health deteriorated and she died. it was not my first death and i was not the closest to her, but her death hits harder and harder as time pasts.

her death is kinda why i justified trying a cig. she got cancer from smokes, went on remission, then kept smoking and died from them again. second chance used up on smokes. they MUST be that good. i tried my first cig at my friend's party. i think it was my first time i had a full alcoholic drink too. and my first party in college. plenty of firsts. i was not the biggest fan.

i have only had about 3-4 total cigs in my life, all in the last 2 years. that seems pretty good. one of them was two days ago, same house. i only bum them off someone.

i find myself weirdly attracted to cigs. they look cool! very silly reason though. they are appealing for all the reasons they appeal to other people. stress relief, physical action of blowing smoke, coolness factor, flavor. all that shit. i have, unfortunately, found myself more tempted to buy a pack. i have thought of it since turning 21, not actively, just thinking about how i could do it. trying another one did not help. im stressed from college and i could do it. i am hoping that typing this out will help me not do it. my grandmother died from them and it would fuck with my estrogen intake. it would also make me smell like cigs and my teeth rot and my nails and teeth would yellow. i could die and ruin my hrt! that is really bad.