Unspoken

The main thing that connects us is art

She was one of the only reasons I got out of the house when I wasn't working. She said she's not dying, so it's no big deal, but I'm not like her, I don't take well to being alone.

She left because there was no way she could do life on her own. I'd prefer her create a future for herself rather than create an end to her life.

I just wish I knew it would have hurt this much to see her go without a good bye.

I still have her cake pan and her butterfly clips, and I get so sad that I couldn't give them back to her.

What I realized is that my parents worked a lot, and spent less and less time with me growing up. My mother was also very controlling and judgmental. She was hyperfocused on losing weight and didn't have a healthy relationship with her self esteem. I was criticized for how clothes looked on my body, and for how much and what food I ate. She could be encouraging, and loving, but a lot of the time she was quite suffocating.

They worked so much because they needed to, and I'm grateful for everything for me. I had plenty of ways to entertain myself while my parents were gone, but I was lonely and didn't have a way to spend time with people when they weren't there. I liked being away from my mom, but I didn't like being by myself. Being alone in my room for hours was either heaven, or hell. The older I got, the more depressed I became, and being alone in my room was miserable.

Any time I EVER confronted my mom about a problem, the situation quickly became very hostile. She would come up with any excuse not to talk about it, or stop talking to you and walk away, usually to another room. When she came back, we'd act as if the conversation never happened and continued with our day.

There are some arguments from my youth that I had to forget about or forgive her to even speak to her kindly. She once told me that she knew I'd give up my faith in Christ, that I'd be the child to do it. She doesn't remember saying that to me.

To this day, she doesn't know me, and it's difficult to say if I ever will let her know me.

She has thyroid problems, so her memory is poor, maybe I can use that to wipe my side of the slate.

idk if I can forget all the times she has told me to do what she wanted instead of what I wanted to do. I wanted my walls green when I was kid, so i could paint trees and jungle cats on the walls, she strongly disagreed and told me to choose pink.

This is one of those things she doesn't remember.

I did a lot today and now that most of it is done I feel a bit empty.

You got to see me sad and empty

We don't live the same life anymore

When you're off I go to work, when you work I get off.

I don't see you or feel you in my life as much anymore

I feel like I'm living with a stranger that I don't spend enough time with to know

There are so many things you are interested in that I don't care about

My suicidal tendencies make me wonder terrible hopeless things, like do I even love you anymore? Or do I have the ability to be horny for you anymore?

I feel so ungrateful.

I like food and smoking, but those are things that make me apathetic and lazy

I'm not the energetic, go getter, happy excitable person anymore.

I'm not even cute or girly anymore.

I'm just fat, and lazy, and I don't work out or have the urge to work out anymore.

I don't see a point in doing a lot of things halg the time

I just don't feel like anything good will come of them

Maybe the real problem is just a bunch of stuff I won't admit to myself.

I don't feel loved anymore

I don't feel like I'm in a relationship that I want

We don't connect or love like we used to

I don't feel a sense of comradery or teamwork between the two of us

I feel like we are two different people living different lives and that we don't live our lives together

It feels MISERABLE, and I have no idea or solutions to fix it

Saying that: "We aren't good for each other." Just isn't true, we were good for each other before and we haven't changed much at all.

We don't do a lot of stuff together. It feels miserable.

When I grew up with Marisa we would do everything together. That's the real reason I miss her

It's hard to tell anymore.

Because of all of this, I don't know if I ever want to make friends with coworkers ever again. I don't trust or expect anyone to admit that they dislike me. People are liars because they hate confrontation.

A lot of my friends have moved out of town or leaving the state, so I've been isolating myself. Depressed? Yes. Lonely? Yes. Empty? Yeah.

I don't trust individuals anymore, sometimes not even those closest to me.

I can't speak my mind, it's too sad.

I don't talk about what's happened to me.

I don't tell everyone how sad I am.

I smile, laugh, and act like a snarky punk to get through the day.

I don't know if anyone would guess that I'm devoid of any conviction or core beliefs.

I go along with what's happening around me, I have no direction, I have no purpose.

I'm drifting; I'm fading.

I feel like I need a reminder that I'm okay.

I'm so fragile and sensitive that I tone of lot of it down.

No one likes a baby.

No one likes a wuss.

No one likes to see your emotions.

"You talk too much."

"You're annoying."

I have these moments of weakness and self deprecation less and less, but when the intrusive thoughts arrive they hit me HARD.

I've been so good at becoming callous and indifferent to what strangers throw at me, until they catch me in that weak moment.

People are unpredictably mean and cruel. They don't even realize how easily they could be hurting someone.

I need sleep

But sleep won't come

I need rest

But I can't shut my eyes

I don't believe in anything that could help me, and a lot of the time I forget what brings me joy.

I showed you the message because you said didn't see it

Then you needed more explanation

That makes no sense

I said I was fine even before I sent the message

So even though I fixed my behavior and EXPLAINED why I was annoyed, it still wasn't enough for you. You argued with me and said that showing you the message wasn't letting go of me being angry.

BUT YOU DIDN'T SEE IT

You called me naggy and a Karen for caring about my fucking cat

I was only mad when you talked to me AFTER seeing the fucking message

Cool you were having a good time then you said something to me that I took as an insult.

Wow I'm so sad.

I was depressed af already, and now it's worse because I fucking upset you by EXPRESSING MY FEELINGS JUST LIKE YOU TOLD ME TO.

IT MAKES NO GODDDAMN SENSE

BEFORE YOU WALKED INTO THE ROOM I WAS LAYING IN BED TRYING TO DECIDE IF IT WAS WORTH SHOWERING

Like sometimes I struggle to even make myself eat, clean, speak, or do ANYTHING

Writing that fucking message was supposed to help because I CAN'T verbalize how I feel, and it made you UPSET.