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dive into the ocean (let yourself be loved)

summary: Love is an abyss. You're afraid of jumping in. You think you'll only find pain and suffering on the other side, and that is something you don't want. So you don't jump. But when you're heart is set on a certain swordsman, you're on the ledge, having to decide whether to jump or not. You have to decide if Zoro's worth it, if you're deserving of love.

a/n: still having a rough time (mentally anyways), but i had the sudden urge to write fro zoro, literally it was just 'head empty, zoro only' so my brain went on autopilot and wrote all this. no editing btw so sorry if you see any mistakes or anything, i just had to get this out of my system. im also aware of the asks i have to get to in my inbox, please be patient with me. ill get to them when i can and when i feel better. for now, i hope you enjoy this fic, it's pretty much 10k which is absurd. also this is posted on ao3 too under the same username! (my ao3 is linked in my bio)

~~~~

For someone who is deathly afraid of the ocean and can't swim, joining a pirate crew and thus practically living on a ship sailing the seas was really not the smartest decision. You normally wouldn’t agree to being a pirate or being anywhere near the sea. But Luffy had this magnetic pull to him, his beaming smile and free spirit made it impossible for you to keep refusing him. So you gave in. You’re not exactly sure why Luffy was so adamant on recruiting you. You were no devil fruit user nor were you absurdly strong like some of the other members. You didn’t have any specific talents besides being a good brawler and handy with a needle. The crew is plenty strong as they are so it’s not like they need a brawler and what good would a sewer do? And it wasn’t like you were the adventurous type. You were content with your peaceful and uneventful life at your island, not worrying about falling into the ocean at any given moment.

The Strawhats were like a tidal wave, uprooting the life you had and bringing you out to sea. Regardless of what you thought, Luffy wanted you and the crew welcomed you. You still find it hard to believe that you’re actually a pirate now, sailing the seas. But sometimes you ask yourself, what are you doing here?

The crew enjoys traveling (not so much the trouble that Luffy inevitably launches himself into, but they’ll follow him no matter what) and adventures, especially Luffy. Your Captain, despite being a devil fruit user, absolutely adores the sea. To him, sailing the ocean means being free. The ocean holds so many secrets and adventures and treasures that captivates him.

But for you, the ocean is terrifying.

The ocean is the unknown. It’s deep and dark and cold. The ocean would swallow you whole and drag you further into the abyss. It is unforgiving and cruel. It’s where you have to let yourself, to be so open and exposed. It is the place where ships sink and dreams die. You could die. When you look down at the sea, you shudder.

You can’t bring yourself to take that jump.

~~~

The crow’s nest is your favorite spot on the Thousand Sunny. It’s high up where you’re away from the water, it’s nice and quiet, and it’s the place where you can work out. Normally Zoro would work out by himself, but he doesn’t mind sharing with you. In all honesty, you enjoy working out with the swordsman. You admire his dedication to strengthening his body and it motivates you to keep yourself in top form, though you would never think to do the exercises he does, that was too extreme.

From the corner of your eye, you watch as Zoro holds himself up with just one finger, moving up and down with a dumbbell laid across his feet. It really is impressive, but you remind yourself that you’re not here to watch but to train. Resuming your one handed pushups at a steady pace, you mentally count the reps in your head. A while later you slow down, your muscles aching, begging for rest. Zoro looks like he isn't stopping anytime soon and as much as you would like to continue with him, you know your limits. It’s always like this, finishing your work out before Zoro.

You release a sigh as you sit back against the wall, catching your breath before drinking some water. Faintly, you could hear the crew down on the deck. Luffy’s signature laugh reaches your ear which turns into a loud whine mixed with Nami’s scolding. Ah, Luffy was up to some mischief, as usual. You couldn’t make out the words, but Usopp was narrating some sort of story while Chopper listened intently, evident in the way the doctor exclaimed excitedly now and then. There are the familiar sounds of Franky tinkering away in his workshop and Brook’s violin. Sanji’s loud and smitten voice rings out in the air, bringing something to Robin. Closing your eyes, you smile. It’s comforting, hearing them.

Suddenly a loud thud makes you jump and your eyes snap open. Zoro was up, wiping away the sweat on his face with a towel. Catching your gaze, he takes an extra towel and throws it at you.

“Thank you,” you say, wiping away the sweat on your body. You receive a curt nod in response. You and Zoro hardly talk after a workout, but the silence wasn’t uncomfortable. It’s nice knowing that someone is there even if there isn't active engagement. The presence alone was enough.

The sound of wood creaking and your name being called prompts you to turn your head. Nami was here with a shirt in her hands.

“Do you think you can fix this?” She asks, distressed. “It’s one of my favorite shirts and Luffy,” she hisses as she says his name,”messed it up! That idiot, I swear.” She shakes her head.

A look over the shirt tells you that yes, it was messed up, but you can fix it. You tell her so, and Nami perks up. “Really? Thank you!” Leaning down, she gives you a hug before recoiling back, cringing.

“Sorry, I just finished a workout.” You smile sheepishly.

“Well, at least you don’t smell as bad as him.”

“I’m right here,” Zoro mutters.

Nami leaves you to fix up her shirt. Zoro reaches for his swords so he could clean them while you look through your bag for your supplies. Your sewing bag is always with you, after all you never know when you need to fix something. Now you could have gone down to sew up the shirt, but you decide to stay. Humming to yourself, you sew up Nami’s shirt, content to spend your time here.

~~~

What was supposed to be a simple afternoon gathering supplies for the ship turned into a battle with the Marines. Ah well, that’s what you get for expecting a “simple” day with the crew. Might as well throw that word to the bottom of the ocean because you’ll never get days like that again.

The Marines were more of a nuisance than anything else. They were no match for you and for everyone else of course. With your reflexes, you easily dodge attacks before swerving around and hitting them, hard. With the brass knuckles Franky made just for you (you had to decline the option for built in cannons, much to his dismay), you packed an extra punch.

Nearby was Zoro who was effortlessly slicing down his opponents with his three swords. Green bandana wrapped around his head, the dangerous glint in his eyes, and his swift movements, he was like a demon. You’re glad you’re on the same side as him. You kind of feel sorry for the Marines for being on the receiving end. They don’t stand a chance.

As you handle a group of Marines on your own, you catch a glimpse of a couple of men charging at Zoro’s back. Your body moves before your mind could think. On pure instinct, you race over to intercept the men and knock them out easily. Zoro looks over his shoulder before focusing on what’s in front of him.

“You didn’t have to do that, I can take care of myself.” He says, a twinge of irritation in his voice. Maybe he thinks you underestimate his abilities so you had to swoop in, but that was far, far from the truth. Who in their right mind would underestimate Roronoa Zoro?

Of course you know he can take care of himself, you’ve seen him fight. Zoro probably sensed the Marines behind him. You know he takes great pride in being a swordsman and that means not getting struck from behind, so of course he would always be on alert. But your body moved anyway.

“I know you can Zoro,” you pause to take a swing at an approaching marine before continuing,”But I’ve got your back, just like you’ve got everyone else’s.”

Zoro says nothing. After the Marines are defeated, you and Zoro walk back to the Sunny to reunite with everyone else.

“Chopper will get mad if you don’t get those checked out.”

The swordsman nods towards the bruises and scrapes on your arms. There was also a deeper cut on your leg where a Marine managed to swing at you right as you dodged, but it wasn’t too serious.

“You should get checked out, just to be safe,” you suggest, eyes flickering over to him.

“I’m fine.”

It’s a phrase you hear all the time. Now he does look fine, the battle wasn’t difficult after all, but you think about the times when he had injuries that needed to be looked at straight away and yet, he still had the gall to want to train.

“You should make Chopper’s job easier,” you sigh. “And take better care of yourself.”

“Or what?”

“Or I’ll knock you out.” To emphasize your point, you hold up your bloody brass knuckles.

He smirks. “Sure you can do that?”

You shrug, though a small smile paints your lips. “Won’t know until I try.”

You’re joking of course. There’s no way in hell you would be able to knock him out. But you find the banter to be entertaining, and it looks like Zoro does too.

~~~

Zoro and directions were like water and oil, just two things that did not mix at all. Honestly, you’re baffled at how awful his sense of direction is, but sometimes it was funny.

“I’m not lost!”

“Mhmm yup.”

Looking over his shoulder, he scowls at you which does little to wipe the smile off your face. You and Zoro were tasked with picking some stuff up for the ships. It wasn’t the first time you were paired with Zoro, mostly to keep him from getting lost. Though now and then, like today, you decide to let him take the lead just for fun. The route to the shop was straight, and Zoro somehow is at a completely different part of the island. It’s amusing to see Zoro deny his directionally challenged ass and attempt to find the right path. Mentally, you apologize to Nami for taking longer than it should to get her the things she needs.

“If you think you know the way, then just go,” the swordsman huffs.

“Then how about you head back with me?” you suggest.

A scoff leaves his lips. “I’ll get to the damn shop myself.”

Stubbornness and Zoro do go together, and it’s tough getting him to follow you when he’s hellbent on proving that he is going the right way when he is not. All you can do is trail after him, making sure he’s in your line of sight so he doesn’t disappear suddenly. You can hear him grumbling under his breath, making you chuckle. There was the option to take another jab at him, but you let it be. It wasn’t so bad, taking a walk with Zoro.

“See, there’s the town.”

He has his chest puffed up, pleased with himself. Except, the town is on the other side of the island, which is not the town that you were looking for. But, perhaps there was a similar shop with the supplies Nami wanted, so it couldn't hurt to look around.

“Not exactly, but at least you found a town,” you giggle, walking ahead.

As you and Zoro look around, you see three kids up ahead running around and laughing together. With how fast they were running, they couldn’t stop themselves in time from crashing into you. Quickly you check them over to see if they were hurt, but thankfully they weren’t. What did catch your attention was how tattered their clothes were. Sure there were supplies to buy, but you and Zoro took such a long time already, it wouldn’t hurt to prolong the task.

“How about I make you some new clothes?” You ask with a smile.

The children are ecstatic at your offer. You take note of the colors and designs they want for their clothes and take their measurements. After that, you look through your bag to find the right fabrics. Next to you, Zoro unsheathes a sword. The arch in your eyebrow shows your confusion which he notices and answers your unspoken question.

“It’ll be faster if I cut them.” He gestures to the colorful fabrics.

“With your sword,” you respond bluntly.

“Got a better idea?”

Well, Zoro is skillful and precise with his sword, so it should be fine. You hope. You mark where he should cut the fabric and thankfully, he didn’t completely shred your fabrics to pieces. With the newly cut fabric, you find a place to sit and take out your sewing machine.

“Do you always carry that around with you?” The swordsman points to the machine.

“Of course I do, never know when I need it.”

It was a special sewing machine, gifted to you by your mother. Before settling down, she was an explorer. She found this sewing machine during one of her travels and it’s the same sewing machine you saw her use as you were growing up. Still a mystery on how it powers itself, but you’re not gonna question it when there are islands in the sky and a talking skeleton.

Zoro takes a seat next to you, arms crossed over his chest and eyes closed. Taking a nap, you presume. This man can nap anywhere. You get to work on making clothes for the kids and you end up making some extras because why not. When the kids returned, they were beaming and hugging the clothes close to their chests, as if it was something precious to them. The action makes your heart warm and eyes soften.

“Thank you Miss!” They wave before running off.

It’s gotten a little later and you know that by now you really should be getting the supplies for Nami. Packing up your sewing machine, you look over to find Zoro staring at you with one eye open.

“Finished?”

“Yeah, let’s get going before Nami yells at us.”

As you both get to your feet, a voice calls out.

“Oh there you guys are!” It was Chopper in his walking form, trotting over to you and Zoro. “Nami was wondering where you two were.”

“I was doing a little errand of my own, that’s why we haven’t gone back. Although…,” you trail off, grinning. “Zoro, you could’ve gone back if you wanted to, seeing that you knew the way and all,” you tease.

“Needed a nap,” he deflects, trying to play it off.

He didn’t really need to nap, you think. But he stayed with you regardless, and you appreciated it.

~~~

You never thought you would be washing Zoro’s hair and back, yet here you were doing the exact thing. The tub was filled with bubbles so the only part of Zoro you could see was his head. Leaning over the tub with your hands lathered in shampoo, you begin washing his hair. Your fingers glide through his green strands, grimacing when you see dirt and grime coming to the surface. It only urges you to make sure you thoroughly clean his hair. Zoro’s quiet, except for the few grunts here and there when you scratch his scalp.

This turned into a routine in a way. Well, you would have to remind Zoro to bathe and he would look away, grumbling under his breath, clearly would prefer to do something else. You make sure to keep on schedule to ensure his cleanliness. Despite his complaints, he obliges. He was a lot more compliant with you compared to before. Thinking back to when this all started, you chuckle.

“What’s so funny?”

“Just thinking about how much you used to stink.”

Without warning, you dump water over his head and he sputters. “What the hell!?” He shoots a glare over his shoulder. You’re hardly fazed, continuing to wash his hair. It wasn’t enough to just wash his hair once.

You were shocked when you learned that Zoro bathes just once a week. You couldn’t believe it. There was no way he should just get away with his poor hygiene, and so you decided that you would take matters into your own hands and demand that he would bathe more often. In addition, you would be there to help him wash properly instead of just dumping water on himself and calling it a day. You knew he probably used bar soap for his hair and that was a crime. Of course, Zoro refused you at first, but when you threatened that he would never have a single drop of sake again, that got his ass moving. The terror in his eyes at the prospect of never drinking sake was hilarious.

“You really only have swords, training and booze on your mind, huh?” you speak, this time tapping his shoulder to signal that you’ll be dropping water on him.

“What’s wrong with that?” he asks, pushing away the wet strands on his face.

“Nothing, just seeing that you’re simple minded. Like Captain, like first mate.” you grin.

“You-” he turns around quickly, water sloshing out the tub. You frown, twisting him back around.

“No moving, you’re getting water everywhere.”

There’s a scowl etched onto his face with the way he talks. “Thought this was supposed to be relaxing.”

You chuckle, but as an apology, your hands move down to squeeze his shoulders. Immediately he groans, sinking further into the tub. Your fingers press into his muscles, feeling the stress as you massage him. His shoulders are broad, able to carry so much. You’re deeply moved by his loyalty to the crew and Luffy, but he ends up feeling responsible for so much. He deserves to relax now and then. Even if you do tease him, you hope that he is feeling relaxed during these times. With the way he is sighing, his eyes closed, you think you’re doing a pretty good job.

“Don’t fall asleep,” you murmur, gently pushing him forward.

“ I wasn’t.” he grunts.

Moving onto his back, you take great care in scrubbing his back. Unlike his front, his back is free of any scars. You’re touched that Zoro trusts you to wash his back, letting his guard down and being vulnerable in this moment. He doesn’t let anything touch his back, always on high alert, which is why you’re careful to preserve the trust he placed in you. You don’t ever want Zoro to regret trusting you.

~~~

You roll the spool of green thread between your fingers. It is the same green thread you used to fix Zoro’s bandana. The bandana was fraying at the edges and there were some holes, so you offered to patch them up. You remember how Zoro untied the bandana from his bicep and handed it to you without any hesitation. A sigh leaves your lips, your eyes lifting to the starry sky.

It’s a lonely night. You miss your family. Images of your crew disappearing right before your eyes at Sabaody still haunt you at night. And when you wake up, you can't move your body, as if someone pinned you down. Shadowy figures of your crewmates would float across your vision and no matter how much you screamed at your body to move, you couldn’t do anything. You were helpless, just like you were at Sabaody. Luffy’s screams and his body stretching as much as he could to save you all echoes in your mind. Your heart constricts and you shut your eyes, breathing deeply. The last thing you saw before you were blasted away was Zoro reaching out for you. Even when he was heavily injured, he yelled for you, desperately tried to protect you.

The bright side, you’ve gotten Luffy’s message and it fills you with hope. You’ll see your family again, though you wish they were here now.

“Mind if I sit with you?”

Opening your eyes, you look over to see a short woman with graying hair in a braid, her gaze kind. You smile, gesturing to the spot next to you. “Not at all, Korin.”

Korin was the one who graciously brought you to her home when you landed on this island. She didn’t have to feed you or put a roof over your head, but she wanted to. You’re in great debt to her, and you make sure to help around as much as you can. Not only that, she was training you to become stronger. She was one hell of a fighter, even though her appearance says otherwise. You’ve learned a lot, and there’s more to learn.

She takes a seat next to you on the cliff overlooking the ocean. “Missing your crew?”

“Yeah.”

She nods in understanding before shiting her attention towards the ocean, her eyes glazing over. You wonder if she’s waiting for someone and if so, for how long. Or did she want to go out to sea and go meet someone? She has years of experience over you and they settle in the lines on her face. They’re the most prominent when she smiles at you, crinkles under her eyes and around her mouth. She has seen and heard many things and spoken with all kinds of people. You ask her about her travels when you take breaks from training. She speaks about her travels as if it was a past life, her eyes light and dreamy. Her stories were captivating, but they had an undertone of…sadness? Regret? You couldn’t tell, and you don’t ask about it. It wasn’t your place.

Pulling your knees up to your chest and wrapping your arms around them, you rest your head on top. Your heart feels heavy. “We’re always together so I never thought we would be apart.”

You found your place with the Strawhats. They’re precious to you. Though you were unsure of your place in the beginning, you feel as though you belong with them. Luffy and his goofy, carefree self never fails to make you laugh. Nami with her quick wit when it comes to stealing and sharing her exploits with you. Sanji, although flirty, is oh so very kind and makes you your favorite snacks when you’re feeling down. Chopper always takes great care of you when it comes to injuries and he’s fluffy to cuddle with. Usopp and his fantastical tales amazes you and he was someone you could confide in when your doubts and insecurities get the best of you. Robin recommends such great books and you get to learn history from her. Franky always welcomes you to his workshops and lets you test out his inventions. Brook is more than happy to take song requests from your home town whenever you’re feeling a little homesick.

“Missing someone special, perhaps?” Korin asks, resting her cheek against her palm.

Zoro flashes in your mind before you push the image away. “Every member is special to me,” you remark.

“Is that so?” She hums.

“It’s true, really!” You lift your head, defending yourself a little harder. Then, you glance away, whispering,“I don’t want to be in that position anyway, having someone close to my heart.”

Korin grows quiet for a moment before speaking. “That you cannot decide, the heart can put you in that position regardless of what you may think. She chuckles, perhaps reminiscing about something. Her tone shifts with what she says next. “What you can decide is whether to pursue your heart. To follow or run away.”

The waves crash against the cliffside. Your eyes watch as the waves recede back into the ocean. “Then maybe I’ll run.”

“And if you have to run away from your crew?”

You hesitate. You’re not sure why Korin’s poking and prodding you so much, it’s not like her to pry. It’s like you’re a lock and she’s fiddling around to see what gets you to open up, to find out what you’re hiding. The thought makes you narrow your eyes.

“I’ll decide what I have to do,” you retort, your prickly defenses keeping her away. The guilt rushes in when you realize how harsh you must’ve sounded. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have spoken like that to you.”

Korin waves her hand in dismissal. “No harm done. Feelings are complicated, especially when you try to understand them.”

“What about you? What option would you choose?” your eyes flicker to her.

The words slip about before you could stop yourself. You know for a fact you’re dredging up something from her past with the way Korin sighs, but you want to know. What would your mentor do?

“My answer won’t help you sort out what you’re feeling.”

You deflate, but it was to be expected. She has her own locked box that you weren’t privy to. And well, she was right. Even if Korin did tell you, it won’t sway your decision.

“But there is one thing I can tell you. Don’t take the middle road, do not wait. Either stay or run.”

Her eyes hold deep longing and sorrow that it makes your heart ache and renders you speechless. What happened? What did those eyes of hers see? You won’t get any answers to those questions, so all you do is nod.

~~~

You could hardly breathe with Nami hugging you so tight, but you return the hug just as fiercely. Finally, you were reunited with everyone. Two years was a long time, but in that time everyone grew stronger, including yourself. Honestly you were amazed at how much everyone grew in two years. There were changes, but it was still familiar. It felt like coming home.

It feels so good to see everyone in person instead of seeing them in your dreams. As you catch up with your friends, your eyes occasionally dart around, searching for green hair. You spot him, leaning against the ship’s railing. Your feet move on their own, taking you to him. Upon closer inspection, you’re shocked to see just how muscular Zoro’s gotten. You don’t even have to see him in action to know he’s even stronger, if that was even possible. The aura rolling off him tells you all you need to know.

“Hey.” you greet him.

His lone eye looks you over. “Hey,” he returns the greeting, pushing himself off the railing.

Your eyes focus on the scar over his left eye. Like your feet, your hand moves to touch his scar but you think better of it, your hand falling down to your side.

“Looks like the two year training did you good,” he notes.

“Thanks. Oh look, see all these brass knuckles? They’re laced with different types of poison.” Opening your bag, you show him your new weapons. Peering into your bag, a puff of air flows from nis nostrils as he smiles, seemingly pleased.

“That’s gonna hurt a lot.”

You return the smile, though it wears off as soon as you focus on the scar on his eye. Though his vision is impaired, he is still a force to be reckoned with. You have the urge to touch it again, for whatever reason. “Does it hurt?” you ask, concerned.

He shrugs. “It’s fine.”

Typical Zoro answer. And you are relieved to hear it after not hearing it for so long. Your gaze moves over to the bandana on his arm. The swordsman follows your eyes, hand touching the green fabric. Was his eye just a tad softer? Must be imagining it. “It’s in good condition. Made sure it didn’t get torn or anything.”

Warmth blossoms in your chest. “Good, but you know I’m here to patch it up anytime.”

Zoro studies you for a moment. The intensity of his gaze causes you to shift your weight from one foot to another, fingers toying with each other. You’re not sure what he’s trying to find, but it feels like he’s seeing right through you. Finally, he turns his head away.

“I’m sorry I wasn’t able to reach you.”

You blink blankly until you realize what he was referring to. Was he actually feeling guilty for what happened back at Sabaody? It wasn’t just guilt he was harboring. You notice how his eyebrows were furrowed and his jaw was clenched. Is this what he was beating himself up about? When it wasn’t his fault at all?

This time you do reach out to him, laying your hand on his arm. “Zoro,” you say in a hushed voice,”There is nothing for you to apologize for. It was inevitable. There wasn’t anything anyone could do back then. So please don’t be mad at yourself, it’s not your fault. What matters is that we’re here, together.” Realizing the implication of your words, you quickly add,”The whole crew is back together and we’re all here now.”

Zoro turns his head to look at you, about to say something when you lurch forward from the force behind you, rubbery arms encasing your torso. Luffy happily shouts your name, rubbing his cheek against yours.

“Hello to you too, Luffy,” you laugh, letting him squeeze you.

Zoro’s off arguing with Sanji after the blond cook took a jab at him. But you’re still thinking about his apology. Did he think about that all this time? About…you?

~~~

While you were fighting your share of Marines, you felt someone’s gaze on you the entire time, like they needed to watch you at all times. It didn’t send any alarms off, so it couldn’t have been an enemy stalking you. As you swerve and pivot around attacks, your eye catches Zoro who decimates his opponents as usual. You see it for a split second, his eye darting over to yours before focusing on his battle. You thank Korin for honing your perceptiveness because you would’ve missed it. Although, why was Zoro looking at you? A sword swinging close to your face reminds you that you have to focus now.

Once the Marines are all taken care of, you and Zoro naturally start walking back to the ship together. Zoro acts like nothing is out of the ordinary, but clearly he was staring at you throughout the fight. You want to ask about it, but the words wouldn’t just come out.

“If you got something to say, just say it.”

Startled from your thoughts, it takes a moment for you to recollect yourself and shake your head. “It’s nothing,” you lie and you know Zoro would pick up how lousy your lie was. But, he doesn’t push.

You meet up with Usopp and Luffy on the way back to the ship, the latter whining about how hungry he was. When he sees you and Zoro, he comes right out and asks,”So are you and Zoro together?”

The question causes an awkward and strangled noise to emit from your throat, caught off guard by your Captain. Always so straightforward.

“Luffy!” Usopp hisses, clamping his hand down on his shoulder. “You don’t just ask that!”

“Why not?” He tilts his head.

A sigh escapes Zoro. “Just don’t ask it again.”

Luffy pouts, crossing his arms over his chest. “But you haven’t answered the question!”

“Luffy.”

Zoro’s aggravated now, his tone firmer. But it wasn’t as if that would deter Luffy, he’s stubborn. Usopp tugs on his sleeve, pointing towards the ship that was coming into view.

“Look, I bet Sanji’s already cooking some meat!”

For as stubborn as Luffy is, he is equally distractible, which comes in handy. With the mention of meat, he quickly launches himself towards the ship. You release a sigh of relief, grateful for Usopp. Though the question posed by your Captain made the air awkward, so you make the excuse that you’re hungry too and speed off. You still feel Zoro’s gaze on your back.

~~~

It was hard to see in front of you with the snow blasting into the face. The freezing wind picking up speed doesn’t help either. Snowy islands were not your favorite with how cold they were and how easily one could get lost. You and Zoro already got separated from Usopp and Chopper as you were traversing steep and slippery terrain. At the very least no one was alone and in the end, you know you’ll meet up again, just not so soon.

Squinting your eyes, all you could make out was snow in front of you. No houses, no landmarks, nothing. There was not a single structure where you and Zoro could take shelter in to wait out the incoming blizzard. A sudden gust of strong wind slams into you and it makes you lose your footing. Just as you were about to fall backwards, a hand grasps yours tightly, pulling you back on your feet.

“You okay?” Zoro asks.

“I will be once we’re out of the cold,” you respond shakily, teeth chattering.

His lone eye scans the surrounding area, his hand slipping away but you immediately grab on. His hand was warm and engulfed yours entirely.

“We won’t get lost if we’re like this.” you explain. Of course the hand holding has a logical conclusion, nothing more.

“We won’t get lost,” Zoro assures you. Looks like the two years hasn’t done much to his denial of his broken sense of direction.

“With you as our guide, I might as well dig a hole and take my chances.”

He scoffs, tugging you along. “I’m not that bad.”

“Zoro, you are absolutely horrendous at directions. I think I’d rather let Luffy guide me.”

“Maybe I’ll leave your ass out here to freeze,” he mutters. He says that, but he tightens his grip on your hand, ensuring you won’t let go.

The banter keeps your mind off the cold for a bit which you appreciate, but there’s still the problem of finding shelter. You don’t know how much longer you could walk, your feet sinking into the snow even more with each step. Zoro keeps you grounded, pulling you forward.

“There’s a cave up ahead!” Zoro shouts over the howling wind.

At long last, shelter. Quickly, you and Zoro head into the cave, safe from the snow and wind. You’re still cold, but at least you aren’t not out there. As you breathe, you see your frosty breath. Sitting down, you pull your coat closer to your body to keep yourself warm. Zoro was patting off the snow on his clothes, unfazed by the cold. With his battle hardened body, you wouldn’t be surprised if the snow just slid off his body.

The blizzard seems like it’ll last a while, so you and Zoro are stuck here. Unfortunately, there was no materials to make a fire so there was no way to get warmer faster. You sigh. Well, good on Zoro for finding the cave. It must be a blue moon or something tonight since he managed to actually lead you in the right direction. Or it was just a fluke.

You blow into your hands, rubbing them together. Shivers trail up and down your spine. Your cheeks are so cold that it feels like you’re burning. If only there were some branches or something to burn, even just for a bit, to warm up.

“Come closer.” Glancing over to Zoro who sits a few feet away from you, he has his head turned away and his arm outstretched. “It’ll be warmer.” You think you see the tips of his ears turn red.

You have no excuse to give him. You’re freezing your ass off and you need warmth right now. Huddling for warmth is necessary. So you scoot over, pressing your body into his side. His arm comes around you, keeping you in place. He clears his throat, still looking away from you.

“So this fine?”

Immediately you melt against him, feeling the warmth radiate off his body and washing over you. It feels like a blanket was wrapped around you, warm and comfortable. You couldn’t help but snuggle a little closer, greedy. You need more warmth, that’s all. Your head ends up resting against his shoulder and you sigh softly.

“Yeah…yeah this is good,” your speech slurs, eyes half lidded. You struggle to stay awake, but it was a losing battle. Zoro’s warmth lulls you to sleep.

You’re conscious later, but keep your eyes closed. You want to savor the warmth a little longer before you have to go back out into the snow. There was no howling wind so the blizzard must have passed. But if Zoro wasn’t making you get up, you won’t get up yourself. Though soon, you hear a familiar voice that disturbs the peace.

“What are you doing, marimo!?” Sanji’s voice rings out, no doubt pissed over something. “Why are you next to her!?”

“For warmth, twirly cook. Not everything has to be perverted.” Zoro scoffs before adding,”And shut up, you’ll wake her.”

“I’m already awake,” you grumble, pulling away from Zoro.

“Oh swan, are you alright? Did the mosshead do anything?” Sanji swoops in, looking over you in concern.

“I’m alright Sanji, thank you,” you smile at him before getting to your feet. “We should meet up with the others.”

The three of you start walking, but of course Sanji and Zoro start bickering as usual. Later the swordsman is next to you, his hand brushing against yours now and then. You have the urge to grasp his hand, but you don’t. At the same time, you don’t pull your hand away, letting it brush against his, his warmth fleeting.

~~~

The waves are merciless, roughly throwing the Thousand Sunny around. The winds roar, angry and ferocious, demanding for the ship to sink. Lightning streaks across the dark sky, thunder booming in the air. The rain comes down hard, like bullets pelting your body.

It was absolute chaos.

You could barely hear your crew’s voice over the powerful winds. Nami’s yelling something as Franky attempts to steer, fighting the currents. You move all over the deck due to the violent rocking of the ship. Lurching forward, you grip onto the railings as you look down. The ocean looks dark, like an abyss, ready to consume you. Your heart pounds against your ribcage. Dread courses through your veins. Terror fills your eyes. You move backwards, but lose your balance when a large wave crashes into the ship.

You fall overboard.

You hit the water, coldness enveloping you. Gasping for air, your arms flail around and your legs kick frantically, but you are no match for the waves. They easily overpower you, dragging you further and further away from the Thousand Sunny, away from your family. You start sinking, the ocean yanking you down and keeping you hostage. There was no way out. Darkness clouds your vision as you sink lower and lower. Is this how you’ll die? Alone and cold as you float through the ocean? Will your body be eaten by sea creatures, bones and all, so nothing is left? You could barely make out a shadowy figure approaching you.

I don’t want to die.

That’s the only thought running through your mind. You don’t want to die. You don’t want to die. You don’t want to die-

Suddenly, you feel a pair of muscular arms wrap around your body and you feel yourself moving up instead of down. Breaking through the surface, you cough and sputter, expelling the water from your lungs. You heave deeply, your body still paralyzed with fear.

“Hang onto me.” a familiar voice reaches your ear. It was Zoro. He came for you, saved you.

Clawing at his back, your fingers dig in deep, taking root. Your legs tighten around his torso and you bury your face in his neck, squeezing your eyes shut. You’re safe. You’re alive. Zoro’s here. He’s your anchor. You don’t even think about the chance that Zoro may swim the wrong way. He’s here, and you’re safe. That’s all there is to it. You sob. As hard as you try to muffle them, they burst through your lips. Tears run down your cheeks. Your arms and legs squeeze him hard, the back of your mind telling you that you’re probably suffocating him. But Zoro says nothing. He keeps one arm around you, his arm solid and warm against your wet clothes.

Soon, you don’t feel any water rushing past you. Peeking one eye open, you see that Zoro’s at the ship, hanging onto a rope as he is being pulled up. Your friends call out to you, worry evident in their tones. When on the front deck, Zoro’s arm begins to slip away but you cling to him, shaking your head. “Zoro,” you whimper. You know you’re on the ship now, you’re safe, but you can’t let go of Zoro. If you were to let go, you’re afraid you’ll sink again.

“You’re safe,” he murmurs in your ear, his voice low and comforting.

You release a shaky breath, slowly peeling yourself away from his body. His face is so close to yours, you can feel his breath warming your skin. It feels so…intimate, vulnerable. In his arms, being so close, his warmth spreads through your soaked clothes. His eye scans you before meeting your gaze. It’s like he can see every part of you.

You shove Zoro back, hard. His eye widened, surprised to say the least. Turning away and rising to your feet with trembling legs, you stumble before Usopp catches you. Sanji throws his suit jacket around you. Chopper beckons you to come to the infirmary so he can check you over. You don’t look back.

~~~

You would be a fool to say that there was nothing brewing between you and Zoro. There was undeniably something, and you knew that. You always had this feeling, but never wanted to entertain it. Or really, you look the other way. You pretend there was nothing. But, what you and Zoro have becomes more real to you, especially after the way Zoro looked at you after rescuing you. You did feel bad for pushing him away after he saved your life, but you felt like you had to get away.

Too bad you can’t really avoid people when you’re on a ship in the middle of the sea. So you pretend even more around Zoro, but you were a lot more curt and kept your distance. You weren’t outright avoiding him, but the dynamic has significantly changed. It was hard, the way you have to act around him, but it’s the only way you can protect yourself.

(There was one other option, but you shove that to the back of your mind. Maybe you won’t have to go that far. Or maybe you will. You don’t know yet.)

Docked on an island, you quickly get off the ship and start exploring the island under the ruse that you were excited to buy more fabrics. You would love to buy more fabrics, but you’re not in the right mindset to go shopping for them. Instead, you find yourself walking around, not really having a destination in mind. Your feet take you where they want to go while your mind wanders.

And somehow, your feet lead you to Zoro.

Frozen in place, your eyes lock with Zoro’s. He’s equally as surprised to see you, but then his eye narrows. “What the hell is up with you?” His voice is frigid. “Why are you acting so differently with me?”

Of course Zoro wouldn’t let your change in behavior slide. He’s perceptive, of course he would notice. And of course he cuts to the chase, demanding answers. Any lie or excuse you come up with would be brushed away. Your eyes glance to the ground, your heart heavy.

“You scare me, Zoro,” you confess quietly. You miss the stunned look on his face as you continue talking. “Not in the way you’re thinking, not that.” In a physical sense, you know Zoro would never hurt you and you need him to know that. Considering his muscular build, his strength, and skill in swordsmanship, anyone would be terrified of him, but you’re not afraid of him for that.

“Then what?” Zoro finally asks. You pick up a slight strain in his voice, as if he needs to know badly. “What did I do?”

You hug yourself, feeling so small. “I’m scared of what you feel for me, it’s too much. I can’t handle it, Zoro, I can’t.” Choking out the words, you shake your head. Rejection comes off from your words, and he takes it as such.

“Okay.”

That’s it. That was his response. You hear him walking away from you, his footsteps growing fainter and fainter. It was just you. You got your point across, but you don’t feel any better. Foolishly you thought some weight would be lifted from your shoulder, but no. You feel even worse.

~~~

You’ve packed your bag and are ready to go. It wasn’t easy packing in the middle of the night, careful not to wake Robin and Nami as you moved around, but it was done. To think you were actually doing this…well there was no going back now. Slipping the bag strap over your shoulder, you cautiously walk towards the cabin door, though not before taking one last look at your friends sleeping peacefully in their beds, blissfully unaware of what was happening, just like the rest of the crew. You could never say it to their faces, so you decided to leave at night. Then they’ll find out in the morning that you’re gone. No note, nothing. Just gone.

It hurts that you’re betraying them, but you still go through with it.

You can’t linger much longer. Quietly, you exit the cabin and walk across the front deck. It was a good thing Luffy decided to dock at the island for the night (miraculously, the townsfolk didn’t kick you out). Once you’re on the island, you’ll steal a boat and sail away. You’re not sure where exactly, but you’ll figure that out later. Right now you need to get off the Thousand Sunny. You need to leave your home.

Your feet stop by the railings. Lifting your head, you gaze up at black canvas sprinkled with shining jewels. You stare and stare and stare, like you’re waiting for some sign to tell you to turn back. Compared to the numerous stars in the sky, you are nothing. You feel like nothing. Worthless. Pathetic. The longer you stare, the more the pressure builds inside your chest, expanding with each second. What are you still doing here? Why won’t you move?

You need to move. You can’t be wasting any more time. You need to go.

You break.

Slapping a hand over your hand to cover your sobs, tears fall from your eyes. You want to leave. You want to stay. You can’t leave the Strawhats. You have to run. You want to let Zoro in. You want to keep him out. You don’t want to leave Zoro. You have to leave him behind and never look back. You don’t know what to do.

Conflicted emotions throw you into utter chaos and tear your heart into pieces, stuck inside a storm that swirls and swirls around you with no way out, doomed to drown. Pieces of your heart lay scattered. You’re good at mending things, but you don’t know if you can mend your own heart. It hurts, it hurts so much.

Something brushes under your eye and you jolt. An arm was attached to your shoulder, its hand wiping away the tears on your cheeks. “Robin…,” you whisper, whirling around to face the raven haired woman. Just seeing her makes you cry even more.

Her eyes land on your packed bag, but she says nothing. You wish she would be angry at you, but she wasn’t. Instead, she comes over to wrap an arm around your shoulders, bringing you closer to her. “Robin, I-,”you don’t even know what to say. What can you say?

“Let’s go to the kitchen,” she says gently. You don’t refuse, allowing her to guide you. Feeling like you could collapse at any moment, you lean against the devil fruit user, sniffling and wiping at your tears.

The light was on in the kitchen, most likely Sanji cleaning up or experimenting with food. Upon entering, Sanji turns his head, about to greet you both but stops when he sees the state you’re in. No doubt there were questions he wanted to ask, but Robin swoops in.

“Sanji, if you could make some light snacks?”

He hesitates for a moment before smiling. “Of course.” Turning back around, he focuses on his task while you and Robin take a seat.

The archaeologist doesn’t say or ask anything, simply rubbing your back in soothing circles. It makes you feel even more awful for trying to leave. Ashamed, you bury your face in your hands. Your ear picks up on the clinking of a plate setting down on the table. There was also the sound of a chair scraping against the floorboards. Through the gaps of your fingers, you see that Sanji made your favorite snacks. It was all too much, the words rushing past your lips.

“I feel like I had to leave, but I don’t really want to. I’m so sorry, I’m sorry for even wanting to abandon you,” you apologize profusely, but you know an apology for what you tried to do was not worth much. “I’m just so scared.”

“What scares you?” Robin asks gently. She doesn’t fault you for wanting to run away and leave everything behind. She wants to understand you.

“Love,” you struggle to get the word out, your throat constricting.

“What about it troubles you so much, swan?” Sanji inquires, his tone soft. Both Robin and Sanji were handling you with such care, like they were holding glass.

“There’s just…there’s just so much you don’t know. I don’t want to feel it, but I do when I’m around Zoro and Zoro,” you pause, taking a deep breath, hands sliding off your face. “I-I know he feels the same about me, which is a lot. I never thought Zoro would love me, me.” You emphasize, as if it were absurd. “And I should be happy, that’s what everyone else says when it comes to love. But it’s scary and painful. I can hurt Zoro without meaning to, and he can hurt me. I don’t want to be hurt and I don’t want to hurt Zoro, I don’t want to take that chance.”

You don’t want to get in a relationship just for it to crash and burn in the end, could you even handle a heartbreak? After you’ve given your everything to someone?

A sigh comes from Sanji. “Well, mosshead is not romantic so he’s clueless about a lot of things. But, his heart is loyal and he means well…most of the time.”

Coming from Sanji, that’s the nicest thing he has ever said about Zoro. It was honestly surprising hearing those words. What he says about Zoro is partly why you’re so fearful, which you express. “That’s the thing, Sanji. The fact that Zoro has so much love, that he has all that love for me, I think about how I’ll do all the wrong things. I think about how I may not be good enough, that he’ll wake up one day and realize that he wasted all that love on me.”

Your head leans against Robin’s shoulder, sniffling. Her fingers thread through your hair as she talks. “If you think about the what ifs and all the bad outcomes, you’ll run around in circles and end up losing your time in the present.”

Sound advice, but your brain does acknowledge it, but it also simply decides to keep doing what it is doing. You just can’t shut it off.

“I know I know…,” exhale. “That’s why it’s better this way, not being together. That way neither of us get hurt.”

“Aren’t you hurt now?”

Silence follows. You don’t have any response for Robin. It’s obvious that whatever you were trying to do, to “protect” yourself, was all for naught. Because your heart is in pieces regardless. To keep yourself occupied, you reach for a snack and nibble on it.

“Swan,” Sanji begins, looking at you. “This ground you’re on, knowing your love for the mosshead but pretending otherwise, it’s muddy. There’s nothing being done. It helps no one, and it’s already harming you. And he may not show it, but he’s affected too.”

“So what?” you say, exasperated. “I tried running away, didn’t work. Let Zoro in? To be open in that way? That’s a lot and I don’t…” You cut yourself off, covering one side of your face. “I’m such a failure.”

“You’re not,” Robin says. “You don’t have to be vulnerable right away. You can go at your own pace. You deserve to be loved. And yes, you can be hurt, but there are good things that can happen too. You’ll face a range of experiences, but you won’t get any of that unless you try. You won’t be alone, you'll have Zoro with you.”

“And if marimo’s an ass, you have us. I’ll kick him extra hard for you.”

“Now we wouldn’t want him to lose his other eye.”

That earns you an airy chuckle. Sanji and Robin smile. Truly, you were so grateful to them. The dark clouds start to clear away, allowing for light to stream in.

“Thank you,” you whisper.

~~~

You’ve thought about what Robin and Sanji said to you for some time. You hear your heart loud and clear, the way it aches for Zoro and the way your eyes trail after him. The fear was still there, but instead of drowning in it, you could wade through it. And you’ve decided where you wanted to go, what you really wanted to do.

You and Zoro were the only ones on the ship while the rest of the crew were off exploring the island. He was sitting by the mass, arms crossed over his chest and his eye closed, but you know he was awake. Taking a deep breath, you approach him slowly. With each step, you feel your heart pound faster and faster. Your shadow looms over him when you’re right in front of him.

“Would you like to come with me while I shop for some fabrics?”

Zoro opens his eye, looking at you in disbelief. “You want me to go with you?” He asks to be sure, and it makes you feel guilty for the way you behaved around him and the words you said, that he had to ask if you wanted him with you. He has always respected your boundaries, staying away because that’s what you made him believe was what you wanted.

“Yes, I want you to come with me,” you assure him.

The swordsman studies your face, perhaps to see if there were any lies. After a moment or two, he rises to his feet, silently accepting your invitation. Showing a smile, you lead the way and Zoro follows after you. The marketplace was packed so it was hard to get through easily. People push and shove, bumping into you. A sudden hard shove makes you stumble backwards when you feel a hand rest on your back to steady you. Your back instinctively stiffens and the hand pulls away.

“Sorry,” Zoro mumbles from behind you.

You shake your head, looking over your shoulder. “It’s fine, thank you. I was just caught off guard. I don’t mind if you guide me around like that, this place is crowded.”

Now he’s skeptical. His eyebrows furrowed together. “You don’t have to force yourself-”

“I’m not,” you interject, eyes resolute. “This is what I want, really.”

He couldn’t argue with that, so his hand returned to your back. Your body relaxes, allowing Zoro to maneuver you around. It was comforting, having a sturdy wall behind you to catch your fall. You find the fabric stall and your eyes brighten, surveying your options. You choose the ones you want, paying the seller and putting the fabrics away.

“Let’s go to a quiet place so we can sit down,” you suggest.

Away from the crowd, you and Zoro explore around until you find a cliff. It was peaceful here and the view of the ocean was beautiful, the water sparkling under the sun. You take a seat, stretching out your legs and placing your hands behind you.. Zoro sits down as well, though there is some space between you two. No words are spoken for a while, just listening to the sounds of the waves and the wind rustling the leaves.

“What I feel for you won’t go away.” you break the silence, placing a hand over your chest, your eyes focused on the ground. “I’m…I’m still scared. About us, about what we can be. It honestly really terrifies me, Zoro. I don’t know what’ll come next, but I don’t want to keep hurting myself or you,” you confess, your shoulders sagging. “Placing it all on you, implying it was your fault, I’m sorry. I’m the one who’s making a mess of things.”

“Then what do you want to do now?” He asks. You meet his eye. There’s a glimmer of hope in his eye and it makes your heart squeeze. Has he always been hoping? Hoping for you?

You bring your hands to your lap, squeezing them together. “ I want to experience things with you Zoro, the good, the bad, all of it. Even if I’m scared…I want this. I really do. I want you.” You’re willing to take that jump, to dive head first and see what comes next. Because Zoro’s worth it, and you want to be with him. “I want to try, that is, if you still want me.”

Zoro scoffs, offended. “Did you think there was anyone else?”

“Well, I didn’t know if I steered you away or something…,”

The swordsman sighs, moving closer until his shoulder touches yours. “It’s only you…,” he mumbles as he turns away, a little shy. His hand moves to rest on top of yours, giving it a gentle squeeze.

The brightness of your smile rivals the sun, your heart feeling so full. Feeling bold, you raise your free hand to cup his cheek, turning his head so he looks at you. Caressing his cheek for a moment, you then slip your hand behind his head and bring him forward so you can rest your forehead against his.

“O-Oi.” he says, the tips of his ears turning red. He can’t even look you in the eye.

Eyes softening, you lean forward to nuzzle your nose against his. That catches him off guard, sputtering at the closeness of it. You laugh at the sight of his flushed cheeks. Who knew the burly swordsman who cuts down foes much bigger in size can be flustered?

“You’re red, Zoro.”

“You’re seeing things!”

Ah denial, it only makes him redder. You move to nuzzle into his cheek, giggling into his skin. He grumbles half-heartedly, his arms coming around to embrace you. You settle into his lap, your head pillowed by his shoulder. Your heart is warm. You feel free. Closing your eyes, you snuggle closer to him.

It wasn’t so scary anymore.

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