t e m p o r a r y f e e l i n g s

It has been three years today.

We were supposed to have made it to a full three years together, but we didn’t. We have been apart since the end of November, and even before that, it was always on and off—so many fights, so many exceptional circumstances that felt life-changing at the time. It was turbulent, toxic, and exhausting. I am glad it is over. I am glad I finally have the chance to find peace again.

But I still miss that person in a way I cannot really explain. Maybe I miss the version of them that existed in the good moments. Maybe I miss the closeness. Maybe I am afraid I will never meet someone like him again, because he was simply different.

And maybe that is okay.

I want to remember the good parts kindly without pretending that the bad parts did not hurt me. I can be grateful for what was beautiful and still know that it was not a place where I could stay. It still hurts, though.

I just have so much disgust inside of me.

Ever since the breakup, I’ve been trying to learn how to spend time on my own and make peace with being alone. I’m also trying to use my phone less because my screen time has gotten way too high. I’m trying to work on myself. I’m trying to reflect on everything. I’m trying not to repeat the same decisions I made in the past. I’m analyzing my own behavior, taking responsibility for it, and learning from it.

And then, on the other side, you see someone who seems to have learned absolutely nothing.

I invested so many conversations, so much time, and so much emotional energy into trying to make him understand that taking care of his future matters. That taking responsibility for your own life matters. That staying away from substances matters because they can destroy so much.

He knows exactly what substances have done to my life through people I love who became victims of them. He knows the pain I’ve witnessed because of it. And despite knowing all of that, he still chooses to keep doing it.

Letting yourself go is one thing. But consciously choosing it simply because it feels good in the moment—that’s disgusting to me.

At the end of the day, I don’t care what he does with his life anymore. But every time I’m reminded of it, I’m also reminded that all those nights, all those endless conversations where I genuinely believed I might have reached him, were for nothing.

It makes me realize that I spent so much time trying to bring out something in someone that simply wasn’t there.

The break up was the best decision that I could probably make for myself! IT GETS BETTER!🫧

But I’m still here.

Relentless. 🤎

Everything is possible.

Stay positive.

Let it all work out.

but

was I really that stupid to believe that was love?

It was so hard to leave, and now I see him like everyone else.

I thought that i was dreaming when you said you love me

It was completely unexpected, and all I could feel was how fast my heart was beating. You acted as if nothing had ever happened, as if you were brushing everything aside or weren’t even aware of what had happened between us. And even though I wanted it to leave me cold, it did affect me.

The following week, you managed to bring us back into daily contact and then suddenly, no contact again. You even made it into my apartment and overwhelmed me with gifts, gifts whose value I appreciate but that don’t change the situation or what happened. Yes, I am someone who is willing to forgive, but that forgiveness is not for the other person, it is for my own soul, for myself, and realizing and experiencing that is definitely a gain for me. But then I noticed that you became too comfortable again, the effort faded and things became taken for granted, but for me, being in contact with you was never something to take for granted. It was important to me in every meeting and every small interaction we slowly rebuilt to show you how much you hurt me, and even though I didn’t reopen the topics, I kept trying to make you feel that you couldn’t be completely comfortable with me because of what you had done in the past.

And then came what I think was the turning point, when you said

„that was already three months ago“

In that moment, 2 things became clear to me, first, you are not aware of what you did, and second, you do not respect my pain or understand the impact it had on my life.

You don’t know how deeply you affected me during that time and how much it still influences my life now, and honestly, I don’t know what’s worse, being hurt or being hurt by someone who doesn’t even understand what they did and isn’t aware of it. Every conversation only led to frustration, it felt like a one way street, like talking to a wall. You can’t explain colors to a blind person, and you should never have to explain to someone who hurt you what they did wrong because if they had known, they wouldn’t have done it in the first place.

No matter how many apologies he gave, I know he only partially understands what he did wrong, and that was the decisive point for me to cut off contact and move forward on my own.

And honestly, it’s not that hard anymore, I think I’ve already gone through the worst of it. Of course sometimes the thoughts come back, why, how, what for, and then the anger, the disappointment, the frustration, but in the next moment they pass again.

You should never judge someone for how long they need to heal, if a person is willing to heal and take that step, they deserve to be supported, but I also realize now that I didn’t know what I was expecting, the person who broke me cannot heal me nor support me in that process, I thought he could and that was my mistake.