Confidence

The police recovered the purse, but my wallet and cell phone are still missing.

I thought I did this on a previous occasion, but looking through, I noticed my ASK button was not enabled, so I enabled it.

I've mentioned that my family has major medical issues, what I haven't mentioned is what those medical issues are. I tend to keep those on the down low, but I will tell you this:

My father is blind. Not from birth, but through a degenerative disease called keratoconus, which is a slow deterioration of the cornea. This means that he's got a very hard time finding work. 

Until yesterday, my dad was working as a food prepper/manager at a local Subway shop, making barely over minimum wage and nowhere near close to 40 hrs a week. For reasons that can't be discussed, the business as we know it has closed and my dad is out of work.

My mom was working for the state until about two months ago. Her office became such a terrible place to work (she was literally being persecuted by her co-workers) that she had to leave. Last week she found a new job, but seeing as it's a local business that's just starting out, she's working less than 40 hrs a week for just over minimum wage. 

I'm not working because of my stupid school. It's a trade school that has to follow government rules, one of which is that if a student is out of school for more than 10 days in a row, they're automatically dropped from the school. I used to have morning classes because it gave me the afternoon to work, but when I finished one series of courses and they wanted to put me in another, the break between the two would have been over 10 days. So, even though it was not my fault, they couldn't put me in those classes and instead moved me to afternoon classes.

It takes me between 1-2 hours to get to school, 1-2 hours to get home from school, and my class is 4 hrs long (from 1-5pm). So, for 7-8 hours a day, smack in the middle of the day, I'm gone. Which means I can't work. 

My older sister is still in school and works part time.

My younger brother is away at school right now, with a job that makes him enough to live by.

My younger sister is away at school, without a job, and my parents pay her phone bill and send her monthly expense money that they don't have.

In short: we're broke.

I finished drivers ed, but finding time to get the 60 hours in is really hard, and I've seen what happens to people who lie about the 60 hours, so I'm not doing that. I've got just under 30 hours so far, which isn't too bad, but it will be a while before I can drive on my own.

That's not even including housework, schoolwork, and finding time to decompress.

I have personal art projects that have been ignored. I have no way to afford anything. I have no time to do anything. I have people who want to set me up with guys so I can get married already, but I don't think that solves anything. Before I get married, I want to make sure I can contribute something and at the moment I can't contribute anything other than myself.

And myself is a wreck.

My hair is still super thin, though I think there's definitely some super-fine additional growth. I've been going to bed between 2-5am because I have stupid school projects that I don't have any other time for. I've been waking up late, skipping breakfast, grabbing coffee, whitefish salad, two kelp tablets, one folic acid tablet, a swig of vitamin water zero, and bolting out the door, getting to school late because of horrible public transportation and bus drivers that see me, but keep on going. Then I get home and it's dinner with the 'rents, housework, and back to stupid school projects. 

Story of my life.

Hey everyone, I know it's been way too long since my last post. I'm so sorry I've let you all down, but I've had way too much going on with my family, school, party planning, school, personal stupidity, and school.

My sleeping and eating schedule has gotten so bad that any update I give you on how the shampoo is treating me won't be accurate, because my hormones are out of whack for sure. 

I'm on my 5th bottle of the stuff, about halfway through. I really like it - it gets my hair clean, and gives my hair some texture that other shampoos don't. 

The one CON right now is that because of the texture, my hair tends to get tangled easily during washing (and I've found out that I'm not the only one this happens to). 

Since things are so crazy right now and I really want to give you guys a good review of the product, I'll let you know that I finish school at the end of January and will try to keep you all updated on how it works once my body has hit a plateau and has stopped climbing and falling this crazy mountain that is my life.

Thanks for sticking with me.

Remember when I told you about the little girls that "did" my hair? Yeah, it hasn't really cooperated since then. It's just starting to fall somewhat nicely again, but as you can see, it's taken a bit of a while. 

I think it also may have something to do with my horrible sleep schedule (which is getting worse... I have no self control) and my abysmal eating schedule (totally not getting the right amount of vitamins and minerals every day).

I know I need to start taking better care of myself, but when I have so much other stuff going on, other people to take care of, school assignments that require a lot of time, a teacher who gets upset when I have WORK-work to do instead of her schoolwork, family drama to deal with all the time, and practically no appetite ever (until I'm dehydrated and then my body thinks it wants food when it really wants water), it makes taking care of myself very difficult. 

*sigh*

Growing up in my family was incredibly stressful for personal reasons. I thought it might get better as I got older, but sometimes it's just too much to handle. And now that I'm considered an adult and given tons more responsibility..... yeah. It doesn't work out too well.

But I'm keeping my fingers crossed that this shampoo will help at least a little bit.

Right now I'm around day 65 of using the stuff! It goes by so quickly. Geez. 

I know I promised you all pictures, but I'm feeling extremely self conscious and I haven't had time to edit the pictures I have to blur out my face or whatever. Hope you can all forgive me for that. 

So, there are two things I wanted to mention today, and by the title, you can probably tell what they are.

1. Stress. 

They say that major stress can cause hair loss, and while it may not be the exact reason for mine, I do believe it's a huge factor. 

The stress level in my life is extremely high, mostly because of family, family drama, family stupidity, and family medical issues. And lately it's gotten even higher. *sigh*

2. Stupidity

I've always been a very easy going person, especially with little kids, and while most people I know have always been obnoxious about other people touching their hair, I've never really cared too much if a little kids wanted to "style" mine. 

So, last night, we went to dinner at friends of our family, and two of the little kids wanted to do my hair. I said I didn't care if they wanted to, but after having my hair "braided" and "twisted" and "brushed", I think I may have changed my mind. 

And it occurred to me that while I'm trying to regrow my hair, having little kids pull on it is probably not the smartest idea. 

Just a heads up to y'all. 

I had a thought I wanted to share with you all, but I can't remember what it is...

I was hoping that if I started typing it would come to me, but it still hasn't and now I feel like a total idiot. :P

So, I guess I'll just leave you with this: 

I sleep with my hair the same way that I dry it - pinned up on the top of my head - and this morning my brother saw it and was like, O.o

1. I got my computer back! This means I should be able to finally get those pics up and post more often. Well... if I actually have anything to post. ;)

2. I started my second bottle of shampoo. I thought the first one would only last one more wash, but it was actually enough for 2.5 more. Either way, I've started the second of four and it's been over 40 days. About halfway there!

3. My sister saw my shampoo in a catalog and was like, "huh? i've seen this around here... whose is it?" then she went on to make a comment about how my hair looked fuller, but I don't know if it actually does or if she was only tuning into it because she now knows I'm trying to grow it back. 

If you couldn't tell already, I've been keeping it on the DL (down low) just in case it doesn't work or whatever.

Then, today, my mom made a comment about how my hair looks fuller, but I think that may only be because (a) she heard my sister mention it and (b) I've been drying it a little differently, which makes it look fuller.

*shrugs*

I personally think it looks a little fuller, too, but I'm not 100% sure. Either way, I think the hairs themselves are a bit thicker and stronger, so if anything good came out of this, there's that.

Fingers crossed! :D

----- For those who are interested in how I've been doing my hair:

Wet

Shampoo and massage into roots

Let sit about 3 minutes

Rinse well

Flip head forward and wrap hair in a towel, turban style

Let sit several minutes

Remove towel and brush hair (should be starting to dry at the ends)

Flip head forward and roll the hair from the ends up to the top of head

It should look like a big bump right at the edge of your forhead

Clip in place (bigger clips let the hair breath better and don't mash it down and leave marks), bobby pins work too, if you place them right

Let sit a while - go about your chores or whatever

Remove clips and style hair. 

For styling, I've just been pinning my hair back on both sides with bobby pins (sometimes twisting slightly for a prettier look) or using a banana clip. Anything that's non-destructive to the hair is good - whatever you're comfortable with.

----- I haven't used styling products in a little while. The last time I did was about 2 weeks ago and only hairspray and it was because the day was super humid and it was my sister's graduation night. Just wanted to look my best. :)

For sleeping purposes, sometimes I do a loose pony, other times I make a "loose" bun and pin it with bobby pins. Every once in a while, I'll roll my hair up the same way I dry it - just to the top of the head - and pin or clip it in place in a way that the clips won't hurt in my sleep.

I kinda' broke my computer, so I haven't been able to get on.

:(

Just to update those who are interested - 

I still need to get those pictures of my hair up, with newer pics too, but I'm not sure if there's a huge difference yet. I feel like it's not as thin as it used to be, but there's still not a major visible change.

I'm not giving up hope yet, though, because it says that I shouldn't see anything until the 90 days are up and it's only been about 34. (Yes, I've been counting! :D)

I haven't been washing my hair EVERY day, and I also haven't been doing the "lather rinse repeat" each time, I've been trying to keep up on it. I've almost finished my first bottle (I bought 4 to start, which was probably a good idea, though I'm still not sure how it's working); I can probably get one more wash out of it.

At the moment, I'm working on getting my computer back up in running condition so that I can get those pictures on here.

I know I just posted that other update, like, just a few minutes ago, but I had to post this. I washed my hair a little while ago and I'm letting it air dry. I was just running my fingers through my hair and along the scalp, by the roots of my hair, and I think I feel new, short hairs. 

This can't be real, right?

Although I bought and I'm using this product, I'm very skeptical of it.

This is my mind playing tricks on me, right? I mean, it hasn't even been a full week...

It feels almost like hair plugs look like, if that makes any sense.

I'm going to look in a mirror...

Ok, so, I just looked in a mirror and after contorting myself to try and see what I think I feel, I have found the following:

I have hairs on the top of my head that are definitely newer (some are probably just over a couple of centimeters, and others are over an inch long), but I can't tell if they're from the shampoo or just life. Although my hair has been thinning over the years, I'm not completely balding at once - I do grow hairs, I just don't know how many or how often.

The truth is, though, that I've never felt or looked that closely at my scalp before, and now I'm hyper aware of it. 

So, it could be nothing or it could be the shampoo really doing it's thing. 

I'll definitely let you guys know in due course what's going on.

Day 2 - Washed my hair (lather, rinse and repeat), no conditioner

I noticed that my hair felt stronger, but again, I don't know if it's all in my head or if it's actually working.

Day 3 - I didn't wash my hair. I just had too much going on.

But my hair did look pretty all day.

Day 4 - Washed my hair (lather, rinse and repeat), no conditioner

Day 5 - Washed my hair (lather, rinse and repeat), no conditioner

Last night, I brushed my hair, something that I hadn't done in a few days. After washing my hair that morning, I had just put it in a clip, and it was like a birds nest. It took me several minutes to workout the major mess that my hair was, and it occurred to me that I should probably use conditioner to make it a little easier.

Day 6 - Washed my hair (lather, rinse and repeat), used my own conditioner on the ends of my hair to try and avoid split ends.

No real noticeable change yet, but it hasn't even been a complete week yet, so I don't expect much.

For some reason, I convinced myself that 90 days was a month and a half. I don't know how that happened, because it occurred to me today that 90 days means three months. So I probably won't be seeing results for a while.

I'll still keep you posted, though.

So, I washed my hair with the shampoo this morning, before I went to school. 

A lot of the comments I saw on the site I found the shampoo on said you should definitely use conditioner with it, but I couldn't find the tonic conditioner, so I figured any would be fine, but just to see what would happen, I didn't use any conditioner at all today.

I don't know if it's all in my head, or if it's actually the shampoo working, but my hair felt stronger.

It doesn't really look much different, though. Still really curly.

I also didn't brush my hair today, which may or may not have been a stupid thing to do. On the one hand, it didn't really bother me too much, and spent the whole day "flying free", but it felt kinda' tangled before I put it in a clip.

My hair made it through the day without becoming oily, which I was definitely concerned about when switching to a new shampoo. My hair is naturally on the dryer side (though, I think that may be because I don't drink enough water -- I'm definitely dehydrated and my skin and lips suffer for it), but sometimes when I use a new shampoo, my scalp doesn't like it and my hair gets greasier faster.

Either way, I didn't expect too much of a difference on the first day.

The shampoo has a mild smell to it, similar to that of a tea tree oil shampoo my mom used to use. It also had a very slight tingly sensation when I let it sit for three minutes. Not really tingly as much as cool. You know? Almost like it had a hint of peppermint in it. 

Just wanted to give you all the product information:

This is all straight from their website.

BENEFITS

 86% natural ingredients

Helps revitalize hair follicle, strengthens and nourishes thinning hair with lupin, laurel, ginseng, vitamins, trace elements, neroli and clary sage

Cleanses in depth without irritating scalp with system of mild surfactants and saponaria

Moisturizes hair and soothes scalp with honey, aloe, lavender

Bio Cotton Protection System (cotton+oligosaccharide+arginine), an exclusive innovation of APIVITA laboratories, works to strengthen hair texture and improves elasticity, forming a protective shield against environmental damage

Ideal for cases of seasonal hair loss, especially during spring and autumn

Exclusive innovation: APIVITA replaces water in the PROPOLINE range with rosemary infusion to offer antioxidant, toning, antiseptic and anti-irritant action.

Excludes synthetic ingredients that may pose harmful effects to your health and the environment. Free of: Parabens, Silicones, Mineral oil, Propylene glycol, Ethanolamines, Colorants, Phthalates, Polycyclic musks and Nitromusks.

USAGE

Massage small amount into wet hair and scalp, work into a rich lather and rinse thoroughly.

Avoid eye contact. For external use only.

**I read on another website, though, that you should let the shampoo do it's thing for about 3 minutes before rinsing, and a comment I saw by a lot of people said that you should lather, rinse, AND REPEAT. Though, it didn't say how many times a week you should wash your hair...

INGREDIENTS

PROPOLINE Women’s Tonic Shampoo for Thinning Hair has a rich formula and contains 86% natural ingredients

WITH: Lupin, Honey, Probolis*, Aloe, Lavender, Ginseng*, Trace elements (Zinc, Copper, Manganese), Saponaria, Vitamins B3, B7, Laurel*, clary sage*, lavender*, neroli* essential oils, Bio Cotton Protection System (cotton+oligosaccharide+arginine), Rosemary* infusion instead of water 

WITHOUT: Parabens, Silicones*, Mineral oil, Propylene glycol, Ethanolamines, Colorants, Phthalates, Polycyclic musks, Nitromusks 

*from certified organic cultivations

Recycled PET bottle

Aqua** (Water**), Aqua (Water), Sodium Laureth Sulfate, PEG-4 Rapeseedamide, Cocamidopropyl Betaine, Lauryl Glucoside, PEG-60 Almond Glycerides, Coco-Glucoside, Hydrolyzed Lupine Protein, Cinchona Succirubra Bark Extract, Panax Ginseng Root Extract, Lavandula Angustifolia (Lavender) Flower* Extract, Rosmarinus Officinalis (Rosemary) Leaf*, Mel* (Honey*) Extract, Thymus Vulgaris (Thyme) Flower/Leaf* Extract, Propolis Extract, Saponaria Officinalis Leaf Extract, Gossypium Herbaceum (Cotton) Extract, Glyceryl Oleate, Panthenol, Butylene Glycol, Citric Acid, Hydrolyzed Wheat Protein, Niacinamide, Glycerin, Arginine, Alpha-Glucan Oligosaccharide, Dehydroacetic Acid, Phytantriol, Hydrolyzed Wheat Starch, Sodium Phytate, Sodium Chloride, Potassium Sorbate, Biotin, Salvia Sclarea (Clary) Oil*, Lavandula Angustifolia (Lavender) Oil*, Citrus Aurantium Amara (Bitter Orange) Flower Oil*, Laurus Nobilis Oil, Aloe Barbadensis Leaf Juice Powder*, Copper Aspartate, Sodium Hydroxide, Guar Hydroxypropyl Trimonium Chloride, Benzoic Acid, Sodium Benzoate, Zinc Aspartate, Manganese Aspartate, Phenoxyethanol, Parfum (Fragrance), Linalool, Limonene

**Rosmarinus Officinalis* Leaf Aqueous Infusion = Rosemary water  * from certified organic cultivation

When I was little, one of my mom's friends made a comment, "wow! the girl is two, but her hair is sixteen!"

And by the time I was sixteen, my hair was two.

That is to say, when I was little, I had a head of really thick, dark, gorgeous hair, and by the time I graduated high school, my hair was already thinning.

Before senior portraits, my hair was down to my waste, and a few months later, I decided to cut it and donate it to Locks of Love. When I went to the hair cutter, the lady said that my hair was very thin and it was probably because it was so long, so it was a good thing I was cutting it.

But my hair has continued to thin.

I'm not a person who really likes talking about myself, but personal stuff like that is also something I don't like discussing. However, I feel that for this blog, I will need to divulge certain information. So, here goes:

I'm 22 years old, approximately 5'3", and about 240 lbs.

I know my weight is a problem. I've known that it was a problem since I was 5 and an obnoxious neighbor told me I needed to go to Jenny Craig. I didn't even know what Jenny Craig was.

I come from a family of overweight people, and while I've always been incredibly self conscious about it, I was bullied by my neighbors growing up, and disliked playing outside/exercising to lose the baby weight, which eventually became adult weight. 

I'm an outgoing person, but extremely reserved. I don't like telling people things about myself, and I'm usually extremely embarrassed when people find out things about my personal life. 

Being overweight in this society isn't SO uncommon, but being an overweight 22 year old who's losing her hair? Now THAT's uncomfortable.

There are various speculations for why my hair is thinning, but I've disliked doctors since my mom made me go to a creepy pediatrician until I was 18, so I try to avoid them.

I KNOW THIS IS BAD.

Oh, and to make matters worse, I never really got my period. 

So where are we now? Oh, yes. I'm a 22 year old, overweight girl, who is extremely self conscious, hates doctors, is losing her hair, and has lady problems.

My mom researched my symptoms and came to the conclusion that I have PCOS, also known as Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome. So, we found a specialist, I was tested, and told that it was inconclusive. Probably not, but we don't really know...

Wonderful.

It was also decided that my testosterone levels may just be too high. That was also inconclusive.

Now, they say people usually know themselves better than the doctors do, so let me tell you what I know about myself:

I know that while I try to always have a smile on my face, I have anxiety issues. 

I live with people who will blow up over little things and freak out easily, so I'm always walking on eggshells around them, and that causes me stress. 

I come from a family that has no money. So I have no money. So I'm always worrying about money.

I know that there is a history of depression and other mental illness in my family. Oh, joy.

I don't drive, which causes additional stress, seeing as I have school from 1pm to 5pm, and it takes over an hour to get there and back on public transportation, which also means I don't have time to work a real job yet.

I know that I have issues with eating, because while I don't fit the anorexic category, I've always been self conscious about weight, and I don't use food as comfort. It's more like the thing I forget about until someone reminds me. I don't get hungry when I should be, so I skip most meals, therefor, my body goes into starvation mode and holds on to every calorie I eat.

I know that I don't keep normal sleep hours. I'm writing this at 1:20am. Oh, and I have to get up at 8am. 'Nuff said.

I know that I put major strain on my body and it doesn't appreciate it.

I also know that I get stressed out really easily, especially when I don't have enough time in the day to do anything.

And the last thing I know is that for a year, I lived in an apartment with 6 other girls, was less stressed out, walked everywhere I went, ate 3 meals a day at the appropriate times, lost about 60 lbs, and actually had my period once a month.

The only thing that didn't change in that whole situation, was the state of my hair. It still got thinner.

So, why did I create this blog? 

I created this blog, because I want to make a change. 

I may be back up to 240 (actually, I think I was bigger than that before I lost the weight...), I may have a higher stress level again, and I may be a horrible eater, but I'm taking this one step at a time.

I rode my bike the other day. Now my butt hurts (TMI, I know), but after googling it, apparently that's normal and I just have to keep going at it until the pain subsides. It's gonna' be a slow process, but I love bike riding, and I'm hoping to get out there more.

But the real purpose for this blog, is to hopefully catalog the regrowth of my hair.

I'm not one to really jump on bandwagons, and I don't believe most "testimonials", but when you look like me, you want to change something, and I found a product that had a LOT of good responses, so I'm trying it.

The product is a shampoo by APIVITA in the PROPOLINE line: Womens Tonic Shampoo For Thinning Hair.

This is not a paid testimonial in any way shape or form, but I don't want to lose any more hair. I'm so embarrassed every time my mom points it out, that I'm willing to try anything, and this thing seems like it might actually be legit.

According to the directions I read, I should start to see results in 90 days, and it's 86% natural ingredients.

So I want a place to count down to day 90 and let everyone know what exactly is going on with my hair. Who knows, maybe it'll help someone else out there.