the open book.

In the early morning darkness,

A false sunrise

From the fog and industrial lights

In the distance

It cannot pretend

To be the sun,

But it tries.

somewhere in my heart,

i wish for a place far

Far away

from industry

and business

and progression .

some days, i think

our best work is behind us

though i know

nuance is necessary.

We can’t pretend

To be the sun,

Another year

My own place

I’m still trying

To find Christmas

In this place.

Wondering where

The magic went

Wondering how

To cultivate it

Wondering why

It’s so easy

To forget.

Nothing feels right

Nothing hits home

Everything is heavy

And I’m not alone

“I’m pulling all the pieces

I’m holding on so tight

But nothing feels completed,

Not even the night—“

I’m turning on the lights.

They twinkle blue and white

I’m reminded of the past

And it does not fix anything

But I’m turning on the lights,

And the ones in the tree.

I put up as much garland as I could.

Every time my heart

Goes dark

I linger, in thought

And soberly

Turn on the lights.

Maybe it will

Bring some life back

Maybe it will

I remember

Unwashed hair

And the smell

Of human,

Not a bad kind

Of body odor, just

Un-perfumed

And the stuffiness

Of your apartment.

There was a certain stagnation

In the air as we sat

At your table in the kitchen

By the window

Drinking coffee

In silence, or little words,

Watching the parking lot.

In the moment

I thought it was peace

But now I think

It was just silence.

Not a good one or bad one

But a silence nonetheless

A space I couldn’t fill

A pain I couldn’t heal

A scar I couldn’t see.

If I start by believing

He’s a good man

Instead of assuming he isn’t

Then he’ll rise to the occasion of being one

Because faith is powerful

And we all want someone

To love us

And believe in our best

Instead of point out our worst

He already knows his worst

And so do I.

who am I

To point at the specks in his eye

As a plank-eyed saint?

So if I believe

He’s a good man

Instead of assuming he isn’t

Then he’ll rise to the occasion of being one

Because he IS a good man

I don’t feel like I’m enough

For any of the things

I ask of me

But I keep asking

Because it seems worth giving

And I keep giving

I don’t want to come back

Go over it again

Read it again

Type it again

Look again

Do again

Look again look again look again

Is it the same?

Are you sure?

Did you say the right thing?

What did they say?

What did they say?

What did you say?

What did you say?

Read it again

Go over it again

Look again again again

Is it the same?

Did it change?

Listen to your thoughts

Think again

Think again

Think again

Play the thought over

Again like a song

On repeat, flowing

One time to the next, repeating

Repeating repeating repeating

Seeking comfort in the knowing

But there is no knowing

There is only madness

In repeating repeating repeating

And despite everything

I loved with all my heart

And didn’t read the signs

It hurt so much to grow

That I couldn’t recognize

All the ways the people around me

Were changing and evolving

I was deciphering

My own language

So I couldn’t read theirs.

Everything revolving

Around my emotions,

My thoughts,

My spirals

How did I survive

The endless spiral?

I was always dizzy.

I still harbor this silent fear

Of your judgement

Afraid of being too much

Because once

Upon a time,

I was.

…

But within these moments

We are learning who we are

And what it means

To be friends

The voice of that fear

Is so much quieter

Than it used to be

It’s not as heavy

Because your character

And time

Have stripped it

Of credibility.

..

I just want to cherish

The miracle it is

That we can share this life

With mutual respect

And care

That we can look across the table

And not see the past,

But just another person

Another friend.

You are just

The world turned white

So suddenly, as I was just content

With orange

So I put out the tablecloth

And the wreath

And all the lights

To bring some kind of warmth

Back in.

We’ve hung the garland

Decorated the tree

We aren’t singing the songs yet,

But soon we will be.

And every day I look out

From my heated cage

(Of my choosing)

It’s whiter and colder than yesterday.

I’d like to hide away

Take me under

The covers

And don’t let go.

If I let it take me

This mundane sadness, I fear

I will drown

Without moving

A single limb

In protest.

The snow has won

I lay down

I do not get up.

I do not get up.

In someone else’s life,

I left such a mess.

In someone else’s life,

I was so selfish.

In someone else’s life,

I was a terrible friend,

So in yours I will be

The person I wasn’t

In someone else’s life.

I cannot make up for what I’ve done

I know you don’t believe me,

You look and see the flower

When I didn’t used to be this pretty.

You think I’m so gentle

You think I’m so kind

But you weren’t there for the lessons

That shaped this mind

I’m flattered by what you think of me.

And shattered by the past when I see

I have learned to trek past

The last

Telephone pole.

Where the signals can’t reach me

Leave me alone to dwell in what could be

The sweetest moment

I’ve ever had

Of self-acceptance.

It has always begun with me.

I avoid eye contact

Like an Olympic gymnast

And it’s pretty naive of me

To think no one notices

It’s utterly ridiculous

How afraid I am

To look in a stranger’s face

For fear of looking too long

For fear of their thoughts,

“Why are you staring at me?”

I thought that’s how it’s supposed to be.

It’s a problem when

I’m supposed to check their ID and

I have to consciously tell myself

“Look at their face”

I can’t remember that customer’s face

Because I never saw it, I just saw

From the neck down. Maybe I saw hair

Looking at a point beyond them to their right

Or left, unable to bring myself

To see the eyes of the person

I’m talking to, unable to

For what reason?

What reason do I have

To work this hard

To avoid someone’s gaze?

But the closer I am to you

The more likely

I will look you in the eye, unfazed,

Is it an intimacy thing?

Do I require closeness

To dare knock

I want to help—

I don’t want to hurt.

I want to advise—

But I know you know this,

But I’m here to remind you

I don’t want to chide you—

Validate and console

But let’s focus on the practical—

Running from the problem?

Shutting them up because it’s hard?

No, just trying to focus

On solutions not problems—

But the problems need a moment

Did I give it a moment

To breathe?

Let’s acknowledge this is hard

Hard, so hard,

I’m so sorry.

Now let’s move on

To ideas for improvement

Without condemning

Or belittling

Or invalidating

Or blaming

The books fill my backpack

I’m bent over from the weight, still typing

An hour later, trying and fighting

To tell you all the right things

And comfort you with the love that I know

You can feel but now I’m tasked

With demonstrating it

Properly.

This is the weight I carry

The weight it takes to love someone

In storms as often

As clear skies.

I don’t believe in empty platitudes

I don’t believe in false hopes

I don’t believe in hollow promises

I want to get out my calendar

And plan things with you as soon

As I think of it, not

Later when I forget.

I won’t tell you “it’s all gonna be okay”

Unless I mean it, unless

I know it truly will.

And if your mind is lying to you

I want to tell you the truth

I want to tell you the truth

Till the Lord takes us,

If that’s how long it took

For you to believe it

I want so much