My Name is Mudd

The resentment I've built up in me?

I have begged your to stay before

I wouldn't if you tried to leave again

I'm over it

I'm done

But the coward in me can't say it out loud

The fear of stepping into an unknown

And I felt better in those three days without you

Then I could be justified to leave

I cheated

Emotionally

I actually felt something good about myself for a month or two

Then I told you

We said we'd fix it

Why did we lie like that to each other?

Nothing has changed

That's the truth of the matter

We have food

A home

Two cars

Pets

Its a dream that some people will never get

But yet, I'm not happy

Your stuff fills the house and suffocates me

But I dare not ask you to get rid of it for fear that its more important to you than me

Which, I get it

I'm not the greatest person to be with

Yet, the house is a mess

The attempts I have made to fix it don't stick

I've given up

I want to throw it away

But you, you won't let happen

You don't beat me

You don't try to pull the "marriage requires sex" card

We haven't touched each other since, what?

March?

I'm not even sure

I asked for a budget

You scoffed

Your way, you say, is just fine

Its not.

I asked you to keep the car we bought you clean

You did not

I asked for my own space over a year ago

I gave you back your spot in bed for it

I still don't have that

I offered therapy and found a counciler

I gave you the card

I said, "call"

I'd make the time work

You didn't

Because you don't care

You don't want to change

You want the same old status quo

And I stay

Because that is what I am told to do

Stay

Because I don't have it that bad

The kids have a father figure

And im not raped

Or beat

Or listened to

Or loved

Or cared about

Here I am... again...

Guess things don't change

Well, they do

I'm not talking to him anymore

But you're still in my bed

The things I asked for only half done

If that, if I am being honest

You've taken up more space and give me none

But what can I do?

You've asked for me to change and I have not

Why should I when you don't?

Yet I stay

And nothing changes

Nothing

I don't think you particularly like me

I think you liked the comfort

the stability

I think you are comfortable

I think you are content

I don't think you love me

With kind word and held back truths to real one in

You are a spider

Entangling me in a web that kept me stuck

You are a wolf

Devouring my heart, leaving me empty

You are a monster, a beast, a man

It was perfectly fine

But I don't want the occasionally fine day

Gave up and was over it before you even knew

Apathy was my play to keep for being hurt

Said I would try but didn't really mean it

Didn't want to try and fight

But I need to

Need to give it a good attempt before breaking it off

Pushed down the nausea and my self doubt

Allowed a moment of vulnerability in which I'd risk hurting myself

You shut that down

Didn't even let me share my part

Of how we both needed time to fix ourselves

That I knew it wasn't a good time for either of us

But I couldn't even get that far because it wasn't a good time for you

Well, now's not a good time for me

I travel north, hoping distance and company would distract me

Distract me from your shadow that constantly hangs over me

If anything, you've settled over me like a weighted blanket

The additional time I now have caused you to wrap around me like a cocoon

It's hard to sleep anymore

Anxiety, Depression, Self Loathing, and more keep me awake as I lay here trying to figure out what's wrong with me

And it's probably not me, it's you

Yet something has got to be wrong with me if I want to be tied up with you

Maybe it's just that you make me feel again

That you break through the numb and ypu put me on highs so high and lows so low

Because then you know how much space and time you take up in my head

How I can't stop thinking about how I want to talk to you, to see you, to simply be acknowledged by you

But what if, just what if, you are thinking of me too?

That the thoughts I have of you are thoughts you are also having of me

That's its an inter connected loop of reverberating inner wants that neither of us dare to express

Maybe then I would want it to be true

That as you lie in bed, you too can't sleep because you are thinking of me next to you as I think of you beside me

Things need to happen here and now, right when I want it to happen

Patience is not what I do

Implusive and Rash

Quick to rush in without a thought of what next

But I'm trying to control that

To get a grip on myself that I've never had before

But it's so hard when I could just type your name in and send a text

When you are constantly on my mind

Maybe if we lived in a less digital world this would be easier

What could make things more simple would be to delete your number

Block off all communication and move on

I can't do it though

Implusive

Rash

You reflect all the same pains and flaws and troubles I find in me

It draws me to you; attracts in its small distortations that make me want to look closer

If I can fix you, then maybe, just maybe, I can fix myself

Fix all my issues by fixing the ones I relate to in you

But, to do that, I would have to burn down the world around me

The one built with the comfort of the known, and the safety of consistency

And I don't know if I can set a match to what I have to risk a chance of being hurt another way

Iced out by your coldness or burned by your touch