Limitless

That promise to a healthy life to be the best version of myself.

Yesterday I was sad because I miss my old life, I miss my gym, I miss my body, I miss my job, I miss my purpose... but then I hold them and they giggle and laugh and snuggle and drool and it’s okay. I just wish he was around to see it. I wish he could see how much his son looks like him. I wish I wasn’t so ashamed for people to know that I fucked up that the shame of what I did makes me push him away, because I have this image to uphold. This good Christian wife... who fell in love in an affair... who felt happy with someone who wasn’t her husband...

Maybe with enough suppression the screaming girl will die... or she will rise... I guess we will find out...

Someday I hope all that I hurt will forgive me too.

Well... since I’ve been gone.... 2017 was a year of big Change for me. My family grew from 5 to 7. My body grew from carrying those two adorable babies... and the stress of having twins/c-section took its toll! However I am back on the path to a healthy life with the goal of being at my prepregnancy weight before their 1st birthday!

When I first joined tumblr there used to be gun show Thursday's And sexy calf Friday's...well I have been up since 5, so you get a gun show on a Friday... And a recap of my workouts for the last two hours...

My weekend. Fun. Friends. Family. Murph. Hiking. Running. Scouts. Honoring. Fallen. I'm not ready for this week. It's coming at me anyways.

I need this

This life though.... Teaching your kids that you are just one small piece in this huge world... We hiked, we laughed, I took my dad to a place that he needed to be. It wasn't easy for him to make it, we rested a lot, we monitored his oxygen levels (which was a lot of work) he made it to a perfect rock. I refuse to tell him he can't do something (unless it's really unsafe) his stroke won't define him in my household. This life. Ps. Tomorrow I start my new job. So nervous! I have the whole week planned as far as picking up kids and getting them to school, my workouts will be super early, I keep telling myself that this is a good move. Change is scary.

Because when your dad who has survived 19 years sobriety, a massive stroke, lives on 3L of O2, and 2 divorces says he wants to play ball... You do it. It's the little moments that I treasure the most with him. My boys will remember these times... And little walking thick... He was so proud he was walking him. Yes my dog out weighs my 5 year old by almost 3x... But he's a damn good dog.

Becomes sometimes you just need a #gymselfie #romwod and #prince in your Friday... 78 and beautiful out... I start my new job Monday. I'm having a hard time walking away from Walmart, and I have no idea why... It could be because it was my first real job since I had kids, I made friends, management likes me, and I feel like I am letting all of them down... Is that weird?

My morning.... My afternoon.... I got the job... Walking out of Walmart best decision ever. Now I get to work from home and be with my kids. A huge thanks to @rachaelfightsback for the tip about the job and putting up with all my questions! tumblr can be an amazing place...

Look! These jeans didn't fit a month ago! In the last (almost) 21 days of no sugar... I have lost 6lbs, and 7.25" off my body in various spots. Interview is in 2 hours... I am a little nervous.

I've had a busy week. I have an important interview tomorrow on google hangouts and I'm kinda freaking out. Please send all positive juju my way!

Today... I went for an early morning run. It was about 6:15 when I left. I have been running and walking when I need the rest. Today I made it about half miles before needing to rest. My legs felt heavy (thanks coach for a leg dominant week) Then I took a friend to lunch, and did some errands, then came home and made kiddos cake for tomorrow. I think it turned out well and I hope he will be excited about it! It's suppose to snow like feet or rain inches... It's why I ran today instead of tomorrow. Week one training done.

Today in training... All this. The sled drag killed me... .75 in 75 degree weather and that's 100lbs... Too tired to write more See you tomorrow friends!

Today in training.... 1.5 mile run.. It was slow. 3 days of running = lead legs. I think I finished right at 23 minutes. Then I went to CrossFit, scaled the t2b to hanging knee raises and the ring muscle ups to hand release push ups. I also did my stick jumps at 20" not 30" and finished in 10:38 I spent some time after the workout working on squat cleans... Ya know cause I've had these weight lifters and haven't used them At.All! 3@65lbs 3@85lbs 3@105lbs - I got stuck in the bottom but forced myself out. It felt pretty awesome. Then I did power cleans 3@115lbs 3@125lbs 1@135lbs - watched my video I made and felt strong, need to be quicker on the elbows though. I've been really reflecting on my life and journey today. I finally feel like myself, after months of being in a dark place. Depression is real and it often steals the hope, and life out of those who suffer from it. It's like a dark hole that keeps getting darker... And smaller... Like your the only one in the world and you can't get out. Here's where the choice is ours... We choose to dig, to fight, to get out of the hole.. To find the happiness we know is at the top... Or to continue to slide farther and farther away from that happiness. The fight is hard, it's a daily effort, it's finding places that let you struggle, it's finding people who push you when you need it most, a positive outlet, it's a conscious choice to make an effort to not fall deeper. To look at your life and say "bring it" instead of letting it eat you. I realized today when I get depressed I run away from the things that make me who I am (CrossFit, running, cooking, my family) and run into the arms of alcohol, relationships that are distractions, the attention of other men. Everyday the choice gets easier, the self love gets stronger, the hard spots in my marriage get easier, my smile gets bigger, and I finally feel like I've found myself... And I couldn't do it without the constant love and support I have... Especially from my husband and my Coach. Neither of them have ever given up on me when I give up on myself me and I am the luckiest girl in the world to have them for that.