“To study in Paris is to be born in Paris”

My Erasmus in Paris is over, I am home now. Back in my little town, which seems incredibly small now, and all my adventures in Paris have a weird, dream-like feeling. Like I have never left. Everything is the same, and still, everything is different.

I have so many challenges ahead of me, so many questions, so many things that would have been easier if I stayed here. But I have all these beautiful, magical memories of this city, the city of Love, Lights, and Culture, which are priceless ( and please, remind me of that when something goes wrong and I'll freak out).

I miss Paris. I miss my neverending walks. But it was time to come home, and there are so many things ahead of me. An old chapter is over, and a new one has not begun yet. Curious, this time of change. But also exciting, frightening, and the key to development.

So, I decided I'm gonna be quite honest this time - now that I have declared how awesome my Erasmus was, let's be fair and write down all the things that kind of make it even - the things you should prepare for if you decide that you want to do Erasmus - which is absolutely great.

1. No one cares if you live or die.

Sorry to break it to you like that, but c'est la vie. I've been to other projects (EVS, Youth Exchanges) organized by the EU, and there is always people who are responsible for you there. Coordinator, organizations, there are always at least 2 people who are responsible for your well-being and can be expected from them that they help you if you need it. Yeah, you can forget that on Erasmus. You have two coordinator, each at your home and your university abroad, who have at least 200-300 other people. They will not help you or be there for you. If they answer your e-mails, that is a great thing.

2. You need to stand up for yourself.

But there is always hope. The coordinators might be unavailable most of the time, but they usually have assistants, or interns, who are more likely to be available. You need to be pushy if you need information or help, for they will always make you feel like you are just one of many. Which you are. But you still have every right to get all the information and help with administration that you need, and no matter if they're acting otherwise, they  are paid to help you. Don't hesitate to make them work for it, your whole project depends on it.

3. Ask, ask, ask

Everyone knows something that you don't. And no one knows everything. Don't be shy to ask, people are usually a lot nicer that you would suspect. And if not, so what, at least you tried.

4.It is never too early to look for apartments

If your university does not offer you student appartments, that means you are going to a busy city where they cannot afford that. Start looking, nothing wrong can come out from being a little more prepared.

5. Stop waiting for things to work out

You can forget the word 'certainty' on Erasmus. Nothing will ever be certain: housing, scholarship, courses, exams, everything change all the time. You have to jump. Jump!

6. Time is precious.

You don't have as much time as you think. If you want to do something, do it, don't let yourself be persuaded with 'I'm gonna be here for a few month, I can do it later.' There will always be something to do. So do it while you have the chance.

7. One way or another, but it will worth it.

No matter what happens, remember that every time you go out of your comfort zone, you grow. And that's what matters.

8. Administration is a b****.

You will have problems with administration.That's just part of the Erasmus. Do yourself a favor, and while waiting in the long-long lines either read a book or try to speak to the other students, don't play with your phone. You'll miss out on a lot if you do.

9. Teachers are people too

Don't be afraid to ask them for favors about courses you have to match, or get done in special ways. They are ordered from above to be supportive with Erasmus students. Maximum they will say no. But it cannot hurt to try.

10. C'est la vie

Erasmus, in my opinion, is the closest experience you can have while you are a student that vaguely ressembles Life itself. And when it does not ressemble to life, it ressembles to a dream. And the coctail of this two is something that can make you very dizzy, but in an awesome way.

+1. It is an experience for a lifetime. Try it ;)

So, it is really over. One more day, and then home sweet home. Who am I kidding, I loved living here, it was a real journey, and my heart breaks when I think about leaving Paris. And at the same time I know it's time, that's right, but still, it is hard to leave a place where you have been so happy, where you have experienced so much. So, to make it easier, a little overview of my semester in Paris.

I came here in the beginning of September, hardly speaking any French, not knowing whether my university will accept me or not, having a very expensive room to stay in, one and a half hour from my university. I did not get any financial help from my university for two month, I had a hundred and one administrational problems. And I was falling in love. I was dicovering this whole new outer world, which was Paris, and this whole new internal world, which was me, in contact with this culture, this ancient yet modern, buzzing, rich, colourlful culture. I visited (without the need for a full list) the Louvre for 10 times, the Musée d'Orsay, Musée de L'Orangerie, Musée Rodin, Hotel des Invalides, the tomb of Napoleon, La Tour Eiffel (and, as a Christmas present, I had a romantic lunch in one of the restaurants of the Tour Eiffel), L'Arc de Triomphe (going up 3 times, nice workout), Notre Dame (3 times to the top, another reason for my leg to have more muscles), Le Champs Élysée for countless times, Le Jardin des Tuileires, Le Jardin du Luxembourg, Le jardin des plantes, Musée Quai Branly, Pére Lachaise cemetary, Montmartre, Sacré Coeur, Moulin Rouge, Centre Pompidou. I had the pleasure to visit Normandie and to see des plages d'embarquements, the cemetery for the soldiers, to see the sea. I was lucky enough to travel to Lille as well, where I could have seen a very different France than what I was used to. I tasted many different food and drink, countless cheeses in countless formes (yes, now I can speak about them a little bit if someone asks), cider in Normandie, traditionel foods of Normandie, crépes, fondue, baguette, petit beurre. I had many wonderful walks around Paris, discovered street art, gardens, small, magical streets, cheap and great bookshops, French perfumes, I discovered my taste in art,  my favourite painting and sculptures in the Louvre that I could stare at for hours, the French people in general. I discovered that we find the most beautiful things by getting lost - literally. I had friends who visited me, I had my parents and my Special here as well. I met my Brother and my nephew. I learned to make myself understood in French and to read French books. I learned to take the iniciative, to be persistent. And without realising, I learned to be in a good mood despite of anything. I learned to live with the thought that nothing is certain, and I learned to enjoy every moment because of it.

I am grateful beyond imagination for all of that, And I thank you all, who have shared this incredible journey. I thank you, you have helped me, listened to me, were walking, talking, laughing with me in the street of Paris. Thank you.

It's past 2am and I'm getting light-headed from exhaustion. I am going home this Saturday. It's time to say my goodbyes to this beautiful city, to the beautiful people I got to know here, and try to hold on to the beautiful person I got to know within me. All of these are challenging, I am not great with goodbyes. Not at all. I am not sorry that it is over, I feel like I had a great time here, but it is time to move on. Paris still has a magic that is calling me, but its force is not the same anymore, and my passionate love for this lovely city is becoming the love of habits - strolling alonside the Seine, looking at the Notre Dame, speaking in this beautiful language has lost the chill of something new and now I have the security of 'I have been here before', which is great as well, but it is not the time for this in my life right now. I got to know so many parts of this beautiful city, I am in love with it still, and I know it will always hold something new and exciting for me. I am so grateful for the time I got to spend here, for the revelations I made, for the lessons I learned, for everything. I am overwhelemed with all these emotions right now, ans I'm afraid if I plunge into them, I'll lose my keen to go home. Something new is waiting for me at home, and, as usual, it scares me just as much as it challenges me - -that's how I get my inspiration. But now, Paris is my safe place, where I know how things work, how an I succeed, which strings should I cut and which should remain intact. And this fact makes me want to go further, just as much as it makes me want to stay here forever. Life is beautiful for all of these controversy.

My journey is coming to an end, it is time to say the things I have not said before. like that The Notre Dame and the latin quartier are my favourite places in Paris. Because of the petit streets, because of the birds, because of that majestic building that celebrates her 850th anniversary. I like to stare at it while eating my lunch or feeding the birds, I like to sit in it while listening to the mass and the lady singing those beautiful songs. I like how they pray with their hands stretched out, palms up, as if they were receiveing something through their hands while they pray. I like the gargouiles, I like that every statue on the church is different. I like the rose windows. I like the Pancake shops next to it. I like that it looks so much as it does in the Disney movie.

So I decided that my approach towards my French final exams will be to make the profs who are reading my essays think something like this:

'I really have a feeling that this one wanted to tell me something so bad but she just could not find the right words. I am going to let her pass, for trying.'

While we were descending the many hundred stairs of the tower, suddenly she turned towards me. It made me stop so suddenly, I almost fell down. She looked me deep in the eye, and said:

'You know, the problem with this old, profound love is that if you stand by it, you'll realize at the end that you have made a mistake. And you will wish you have had broken it a long time ago, while you still had the chance of finding something new, something wonderful.'

I'll spend this Christmas with my chosen family, a person whom I got to know way back when we were both young, stubborn, and not at all meant for each other. Now he is the closest relative I have to whom I am not related by blood. Life has many tricks, he is one of the most beautiful I have in my life. I have been staring at his face while he is sleeping next to me, and I could do this for days, always discovering new parts of his face, and know every inch of it by heart at the same time.

I write post cards for Christmas to my loved ones every year, since I moved away from home at the age of 19. I write them because their faces brighten up when they read it. I like it, because sometimes a little entity whispers into my ear the exact words that they need to read, and when I write it down, and see the joy echoing in their eyes, it is my Christmas gift each year.

It broke my heart to write this years' Christmas cards. They made me realize that for the first time in my life I will not spend Christmas with my family. I will not be there when these letters will arrive. I will not be there to decorate our enormous tree, to see the joy on the childrens' face when they see all the presents, to see the happiness of my brothers and parents watching the children. I won't be running around cleaning, shopping, fixing organizing things until I feel like I've had enough of Christmas.I won't be there to run around all day thinking about how much I dislike Christmas. I'll be here in Paris missing each and every bit of those day that I usually find amusing, touching, annoying, unnecessary and important at the same time.

I was so afraid. All kind of things were coming back to me. I was just sitting there, mumbling 'Don't go into regression. You are not nine anymore. You are an adult. Educated. Modestly intelligent and blessed with a high amount of empathy. Channel that. Love. Understanding. Not fear and pain. It is up to you to choose.'

I always lost the thought somewhere there, but the moment was coming. And when I saw him standing there I just knew what to do, how to react, how to be.  It was written in the cells of my blood.

This weekend was a gift to me, for I got to know someone who has been close to me all my life but I never actually knew him. It took me many years to realize I have no memories of him, I only see him from how others have described him. This weekend, I left that behind me. And with that, like magic, I left behind a great weight as well. And I gained a brother. Do you understand? A brother. What a wonderful, unbelieveable gift of life.

'-Wow, you're intelligent.

I'm going to spend this Christmas in Paris.

I know it will be The Christmas in Paris :).

And I will not be alone. Thank You for that.

'Look down, and see the beggars at your feet,

Look down, and show some mercy if you can.

Look down and see the sweepings of the street,

Look down, look down upon your fellow men.'

There are countless beggars in Paris, there always have been. But it can really struck the people at first sight. For most of them are not sitting on the streets, but going around doing different acitivities for getting money. Almost sound like a job. I'll describe the different kind of beggars now.

1. The usual beggar: sitting/ lying on the street, with a little cup that says 'SVP J'ai faim.' Many of them are on the rue de Rivoli.

2. Beggar with animals: dogs, cats. Wrapped in big coats, sitting there with  from one to three animal.

3. Beggar with children: just like the above, sitting there, wrapped in blankets, but there are children in the place of the animals. In most of the cases, more than one child.

4. The walking beggar: You'll find them in the metro. They are walking in the cars, and all your realize while riding the metro is that there is a hand in your face. Yes, it's them.

5. Shouting beggar: they get on the metro, and start shouting, that they are unfortunate, have x children, no job, please help with 1 euro two euro or a restaurant ticket (this is the common text)

6. The beggar with the little flyers: while riding a metro, you may see a person coming and posing a piece of paper into the seat next to you, or if it is taken, into your lap. There are many people, but always the same text: I hae no job, I have two children, please help my family survive. One or two euros or a restaurant ticket. May God bless you and your family. Thank you. Always the same. Really.

7. The musician beggar: it's curious to watch how the people try to pretend that they do not hear the music, when this kind of beggar enters the metro car, and starts to play his instrument. I like them, I have been listening to many types of music (Spanish Indian, Mexican, French, Arabic) while travelling.

8. The random beggar: For him, anything will do. He declares that even 1 centime would help him. Or a cigarette. Or whatever the people can give. I like this type as well, for at leiast he does not demand what he wants, he takes what he gets because he needs it - or because he is clever enough to know that that there is a better chance if he asks like this.

Paris has a fairly good social system, so most of these people have a place to go for the night, but not all of them, If you are around here, buying things for many thousands in the butiques of La Fayette, you could look down for a sec, maybe someone would be more happy than you with that 5 euro you got back from the cashier at Hugo Boss.

I am not the first, nor I'll be the last to write about this programme, about it's flaws and problems, about the procedures. It may seem like I am complaining, and maybe I am, but I feel like I should write about the darker side of this project as well, for you could experience it, and I feel like I owe you a heads up.

Erasmus will certainly develop your problem solving skills, show you new horizons, open the door for you to step through and experience. Personally, it gave me Paris, and a university that agreed to host me for a semester. So what is this post is talking about?

Everything else.

It gave me Paris, but did not give me a place to stay in one of the most expensive and most crowded cities on Earth.

It gave me a university with an international coordinator who do not understand English, and a coordinator at my own university who never answered any of my e-mails, calls ( it took the students five years of complaining, but she finally got fired a month ago).

It gave me Paris, but it did not give me money. For two month, I was living in Paris from my own money, where they rent is 540 euro and the bus pass for a month is 105 euro - I have not eaten anything yet, and I am already at 645 euro - a middle-class payment in my country. And I am a student. But they had some adminsitrational problem at my university, so they let me go on my own, my classmate was living  on the streets of Coppenhagen and so on. By the time when my scholarship arrived, I basically had no more than 10 euros. You cannot even buy a decent meal from that here, but I managed to live from it for quite a long time.

No support whatsoever before my arrival here. That was the fault of my host university, I know that some university send a full dossier with all the things (housing, courses, activites). Well, my international coordinator told me and every arriving student in a mail that if we do not stop sending her e-mails with questions, she is going to report us. That basically sums up the helpfulness of my university in Paris.

The ECTS system is a joke. Some universities want you to have 20/ semester, others want 30/semester, others do not need any at all. At some universities, you have courses for 5-8 ECTS, at others there are no courses above 3 ECTS. And yet, they expect you to have the same amount. Which for one student can mean 4 course, for the other it can be 10-12 course per semester - only at the host university, for you have to do courses at your home university as well.

My host unviersity got one thing right: it offers us to take French lessons for 9 ECTS (3 courses). It is great, and very exeptional. Look up your own university, for at most of the places, if you want to learn the language, you have to find a way for yourself.

And now you can have a basic undestanding what the EU means when it says "personal development". It is right, though. I have developed many skills here, and I am grateful. But I also think I am resistent and stubborn, and it helped me a lot.

All my classmates who are doing Erasmus somewhere else are eager to return home. I will be here for another 5 weeks. But that is okay, that is what I signed up for. I did not know it would be so problematic, but it gave me Paris, so it was worth it.